TicLun
Fapstronaut
Hey y'all, this is no clickbait or exaggerating it. I found my father dead and now everything is different.
It happened 5 months ago. I was in school and got a call from my grandpa that my dad was not picking up his phone. So I went home and found him in his bed, cramped up position, cold and not breathing. I tried to resuscitate him and called an ambulance but it was already too late.
The next day, I went to my grandpa and sat him down to tell him that his son, my father, was dead. He cursed god, cursed everything, yet when I saw him, an old, kind guy just sitting there, destroyed, I just sat down and tried to be like a sponge to all those bad emotions. I don't know how to describe how I felt. Shitstorm then fell on me in the form of all the paperwork and running around and I had no chance to practically mourn my father's, and then my grandpa's death.
The worst was the combination of all these situations. My father died, had my driving license exams/finals (which I failed), and graduation exams (I was successful but there was a lot of stress), and unfortunately, even my grandpa died. And this mix of it all just destroyed me.
And of course, all of this led me to start PMO again.
You see I was PMOing from time to time even before my father's death. Because I'm in a relationship that is from time to time "unstable". And it's not only her's, but also mine's fault. So sometimes I just PMOed and boom. Yeah, not the best thing to do.
But now, after everything is almost done. Meaning all the things about my father's and grandpa's death, all the paperwork, running from hospital to banks, I just stopped and started PMOing again. And pretty hard.
You see, for example seeing my grandpa, lying in bed, in hospital, all drugged up because they don't know what to do with him. And when I go visit him, he's talking about something and he doesn't even know I'm there, holding his hand. It kind of changes your perspective on life.
Probably, one of the things that keep me in a shattered state, is that I lost him. I lost a guy who I walked up to and hugged him saying "Come here big man, a big man needs a big hug" and my relationship with my father started to get better again. My father cheated on my mother when I was 15 and I was the one who discovered it. So between 15 and 17, I didn't talk to him. And now, I understood a lot so I started approaching him and talking to him again. I started repairing my relationship with my father and now, I lost him.
I still manage to go to work, get some of my own stuff done, do some renovations on my flat that I inherited from my dad, and go to the gym. So on the surface, you could say that I'm dealing with it better than expected. And it may be true. But I'm afraid that something that I don't want in inside of me wants to crawl out. Actually reading this now, I remembered the "Shadow self" theory. Might look into it a little bit more.
But yeah, I'm just jumping from genre to genre, I feel how my penis is not getting that hard, just do business with "death-grip" and to the toilet to wash myself.
To those that don't know the term "Death-grip". Just means you're squeezing your penis so hard during masturbation that you won't orgasm any other way. You get used to it and even penetrative sex won't "get you off" - Basically a really bad thing. And since I have a girlfriend, I already feel some bad changes.
But yeah, there's a lot more to this, like fights with my girlfriend, seeking psychological help, tired throughout the day, money-related stress, work, and university...
It's rough to be a young adult, but it's doable.
Thank you for allowing me to pour my soul out. It helped a bit.
And guys, go hang out with your father, or at least, if you can, just get up and go hug him, NOW. I mean it, you'll see how he will embrace you. Even a simple hug will let him know and he will be much happier.
Go hug your dad. Because you still can.
Go hug you dad!
It happened 5 months ago. I was in school and got a call from my grandpa that my dad was not picking up his phone. So I went home and found him in his bed, cramped up position, cold and not breathing. I tried to resuscitate him and called an ambulance but it was already too late.
The next day, I went to my grandpa and sat him down to tell him that his son, my father, was dead. He cursed god, cursed everything, yet when I saw him, an old, kind guy just sitting there, destroyed, I just sat down and tried to be like a sponge to all those bad emotions. I don't know how to describe how I felt. Shitstorm then fell on me in the form of all the paperwork and running around and I had no chance to practically mourn my father's, and then my grandpa's death.
The worst was the combination of all these situations. My father died, had my driving license exams/finals (which I failed), and graduation exams (I was successful but there was a lot of stress), and unfortunately, even my grandpa died. And this mix of it all just destroyed me.
And of course, all of this led me to start PMO again.
You see I was PMOing from time to time even before my father's death. Because I'm in a relationship that is from time to time "unstable". And it's not only her's, but also mine's fault. So sometimes I just PMOed and boom. Yeah, not the best thing to do.
But now, after everything is almost done. Meaning all the things about my father's and grandpa's death, all the paperwork, running from hospital to banks, I just stopped and started PMOing again. And pretty hard.
You see, for example seeing my grandpa, lying in bed, in hospital, all drugged up because they don't know what to do with him. And when I go visit him, he's talking about something and he doesn't even know I'm there, holding his hand. It kind of changes your perspective on life.
Probably, one of the things that keep me in a shattered state, is that I lost him. I lost a guy who I walked up to and hugged him saying "Come here big man, a big man needs a big hug" and my relationship with my father started to get better again. My father cheated on my mother when I was 15 and I was the one who discovered it. So between 15 and 17, I didn't talk to him. And now, I understood a lot so I started approaching him and talking to him again. I started repairing my relationship with my father and now, I lost him.
I still manage to go to work, get some of my own stuff done, do some renovations on my flat that I inherited from my dad, and go to the gym. So on the surface, you could say that I'm dealing with it better than expected. And it may be true. But I'm afraid that something that I don't want in inside of me wants to crawl out. Actually reading this now, I remembered the "Shadow self" theory. Might look into it a little bit more.
But yeah, I'm just jumping from genre to genre, I feel how my penis is not getting that hard, just do business with "death-grip" and to the toilet to wash myself.
To those that don't know the term "Death-grip". Just means you're squeezing your penis so hard during masturbation that you won't orgasm any other way. You get used to it and even penetrative sex won't "get you off" - Basically a really bad thing. And since I have a girlfriend, I already feel some bad changes.
But yeah, there's a lot more to this, like fights with my girlfriend, seeking psychological help, tired throughout the day, money-related stress, work, and university...
It's rough to be a young adult, but it's doable.
Thank you for allowing me to pour my soul out. It helped a bit.
And guys, go hang out with your father, or at least, if you can, just get up and go hug him, NOW. I mean it, you'll see how he will embrace you. Even a simple hug will let him know and he will be much happier.
Go hug your dad. Because you still can.
Go hug you dad!
