Found out SO addicted to webcams

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Thrillisgone, Aug 12, 2019.

  1. Thrillisgone

    Thrillisgone New Fapstronaut

    Hi, looking for advice. I met my significant other a few months ago, told him about my past of catching my ex talking to girls online ( I don't know if my ex watched webcams or not) and made it clear that I ddint like people I was with talking to girls on the internet. He said then that he used to watch webcams but I didn't know the extent, did not mention that he was spending over a hundred dollars a month for three years on this. I didn't even know it was such a widespread thing, interacting with webcam models.
    I found out because I had a dream where he showed my panties and himself to someone else on the internet, woke up and asked him about it and he mentioned chaturbate. I did not know what this website was, he pulled up the main page and showed me but didn't explain it all. He had been broadcasting himself for the past three years and a few times that I know of while we were together. I asked him to give me his login info and saw that there were 11 people he followed, 339 following him, his title was 'girlfriend at work all day :( ' which hurt me really badly. He didnt have tokens and said he spent the rest of them right after we started talking, I could see in his history that he had given someone 100 tokens for something. He said he didnt want to keep doing this but was really lonely before he met me. I know he shows traits of being a sex addict because I used to be one. I feel cheated and betrayed, and can't help but wonder if there are more times or websites than I know about. Upon reading some of the articles on this site I am so afraid that he will continue this behavior without letting me know about it. I am very concerned because the part he seemed to tell me he liked was when people would watch him. He told me most things honestly but I had to trick him a couple of times to get the truth out. Does this mean there are more lies?

    I also found that many other sites had been using his pictures without his permission, leaking nude photos of him without his consent but I wonder if the addiction makes him not care because random strangers seeing him masturbate is what turns him on? Our sex life is good, I thought, but all of this is making me dreadfully insecure and uneasy about my future with him now. I do mot want to be in a relationship where I feel I have to watch him or monitor his actuvity. I feel like he knew he was cheating the whole time but kind of acted like he just realized that it was once we talked about it.

    What is the likelihood that he is still doing this? What is the likelihood of relapse without him talking to me about It? I have tried to be really understanding but can not tolerate disrespect or disloyalty
  2. ad vera amoris

    ad vera amoris Fapstronaut

    A male, brief 2 cents, since I also am have struggled with Chaturbate addiction. But may be a very unrepresentative.

    1. Any good relationship ultimately depends on honest, open communication, including uncomfortable stuff. That he is opening up about it is a good sign; perhaps let him know you can forgive depending on his full honesty.

    2. Unfortunately, males are wired for novelty, youth, so it always will be a challenge and understood even men who love you and find you desirable will still be inclined to look. However, webcams are worse than looking in real life, and he should consider blocking software.

    3. I think the more you judge, and accuse, the more he may shut down and hide. Bad for both of you. So compassion would probably be best first step. Further, discuss what he prefers sexually, and consider that, and also share what your needs are in that way (and other ways).

    4. Your feelings and insecurity and betrayal are understandable. But it is still different going online vs. a real relationship. If it is meant to be, yours will satisfy him more than any of the online stuff.

    5. It may take a process to help him to resist and abstain, since he got conditioned. Read about Accountability Partners, and perhaps consider offering to be his. No, the onus shouldn't be on you, but it probably will make him appreciate you even more.

    I don't know if any of that is good advice, and again, the onus is on him. But seems worth trying to work it out for both of you. The sites are VERY addictive, especially if one is lonely.
  3. Emileo Delcarme

    Emileo Delcarme Fapstronaut

    Sounds really hectic.
    Does he want to leave his webcam life behind him and start to work on your relationship?
    You have to consider your own happiness as well. If he can't be open and honest with you and show an attempt to want to quit his webcam lifestyle...and you told him how it all makes you feel and he still doesn't at least try to leave it. Then you should leave and focus on your happiness. Cause it sounds like you not happy at all with his activities.
    No matter how hard we want to help people. If they can't help themselves. How can we help them.
  4. Thrillisgone

    Thrillisgone New Fapstronaut

    He says he wants to help but then I see things about the relapses and really dont know if I'm in any kind of place to help someone with that or to be able to handle getting hurt again. I was really calm upon finding out and tried to understand. He says he doesn't want his life like that and I hope seeing pictures of himself online that he didn't put there would scare him straight but I really don't know how far his brain is hooked.

    I'm upset because if he knew he was doing something I didn't like, and kept doing it, addicted or not it shows a lack of respect for me and our relationship, right?
  5. Emileo Delcarme

    Emileo Delcarme Fapstronaut

    You actually told him his activities makes you feel betrayed and insecure? He knew how it made you feel but kept doing it secretely behind your back?
    He says he wants help but hides what he does from you?

    A lack of respect towards your relationship and you if he doesn't want to work on his addiction. Even if it means being apart for a while. If he really cared about you...he would work on his addiction. Be honest with you and physically show you that his at least trying.

    I have known and seen many types of addiction. The only way an addict will stop is through his own determination and will power. Even if it's a small step at a time. If something or someone means more to him than his addiction he will do whatever he can to overcome it.
  6. Shy_1990

    Shy_1990 Fapstronaut

    ok I dont pretend to be an expert here
    But my girlfriend found my porn stash and about all my weird online habits ect including talking to girls online and almost left me over it.
    In my opinion there are some absolutely essential things that must be done.
    1. A completely open conversation. The truth can be embarrassing and uncomfortable but its absolutely necessary
    2. Make your intentions very very clear to him. I was basically told by my partner "If we don't fix this, I'm leaving you". Its important that the stakes are known. You will have your own intentions, but make sure they are known.
    3. Words are cheap and easy. What ACTIONS is he willing to undertake in order to give you confidence that he's not being loyal? For example, I allowed my partner to install tracking and blocking software on all of my electronics. I also started seeing a therapist and I get a note each week to prove I actually showed up and in some situation I've even gone as far as wearing a chastity device.

    You can come up with your own measures or ways that you think the situation can be improved. All I am trying to say is that I think you need to get him to commit to some solid actions that he can start taking straight away. Because its way way too easy for an addict to make empty promises.
  7. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    It is impossible to know. From what you describe he sounds like an addict. Even then he may have stopped. I found porn almost impossible to stop, but I quit camgirl sites much earlier, I think that was because they felt much more like betrayal and because I recognised that they were more dangerous for me (in terms of their addictive power). I managed to stop using camgirls before I found NoFap, but to stop porn I needed this place.

    Perhaps ask yourself a different question: what will you need in place in order to trust him?

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