FREEDOM IS POSSIBLE - I AM THE PROOF (7300+ days PMO over; 365+ days PMO free)

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Todor, Mar 30, 2018.

  1. Todor

    Todor Fapstronaut

    ”I started masturbating at the age of 10. At the age of 14 I discovered porn. I grew up as a teenager and a young man, sinking deeper into ever more pervert, distorted and corrupted porn genres and twisted sexual imaginations, masturbating and ejaculating sometimes 5-6 times per day, which led to many negative effects on my mental and physical health, including: self-rejection, self-hatred, self-humiliation, dreadful fears, inner and social anxiety, awful moods, physical fatigue, bad concentration and memory, irritation, painful emotional conditions, obsessive thoughts, disconnection and separation with my family and friends, total confusion about my sexuality, avoidance of interaction, low self-esteem and low self-confidence, periods of severe depressions...”

    (If you want to download the complete material as PDF file, here is a link to it:
    https://drive.google.com/file/d/14CjGEm36_Tz4cXbAP78M3M6Ru-YudMDz/view?usp=sharing)


    My name is Todor and I am 34 years old. In the last 20 years of my life I was addicted to PMO (Porn Masturbation Orgasm) and shameful sexual imaginations, which made my life extremely unpleasant, painful and often truly horrible experience. 20 years of sexual addiction! I was so addicted to PMO that I thought this is how I’m going to live for the rest of my life. I had no hope...

    Today I celebrate the freedom from that addiction. I am here to share with you my journey and discoveries on the topic of being a porn addict for so many years and how I got to where I am now. I hope my story can help some of you to understand better some of the causes of this condition or at least to be inspirational and motivational tool to find your own way out.

    I speak only from personal experience and what works for me. Your case might be very different from mine and my methods might not work for you. Still, my dearest hope is you can find something here, which will accelerate your progress in healing from the slavery.


    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    TABLE OF CONTENTS

    PREFACE

    PART I. FALLING INTO HELL
    INTRODUCTION TO MY STORY
    CAUTION: TRIGGER WARNING!!!
    MY STORY (IN DEPTH, UNCENSORED)

    CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS /NON-SEXUAL/
    SEXUALITY IN MY CHILDHOOD
    1994. DRAW INTO MO
    1996.
    1997.
    1998. DRAW INTO PMO
    1999-2001.
    2002-2003.
    2004-2008.
    2009-2015.
    2016.
    2017.
    SUMMARY OF MY STORY (CENSURED)


    PART II. THE TRANSFORMATION
    HEALING THE PAST – UNDERSTAND, ACCEPT,
    FORGIVE
    MY FAMILY
    THE OTHERS
    MY NEIGHBOR/FRIEND
    PAST LOVE RELATIONSHIPS
    REALIZATIONS ON THE THOUGHT AND PMO
    DEVELOPMENT OF THOUGHT CONTROL
    ALL I HAVE ARE THOUGHTS

    THE BREAKTHROUGH
    HEALING FROM HOMOPHOBIA
    THE FIRST WEEK OF NO MO – THE NIGHTMARE
    MY NEW DEFINITION OF SEXUALITY
    BEYOND THAT POINT IN TIME


    PART III. MY ANCHORS FOR SUCCESS

    CONTEMPLATING
    WRITING
    BREATHING

    HOW DO I PRACTICE IT IN MY DAY?
    HOW DOES BREATHING WORK ON PMO ADDICTION?
    SUGGESTIONS FOR A WELL-BALANCED START
    EMERGENCY RELAPSE PREVENTION TECHNIQUE
    WHY SHOULD YOU TRUST ME?


    PART IV. ADDITIONAL INFO
    HOW DO I FEEL AFTER QUITTING PMO?
    WHAT DID PMO TEACH ME
    OPENING UP FOR THE WORLD
    STAY WITH THE DISCOMFORT
    MY APPROACH TO THE PMO CRAVINGS
    NoFap AS A WAY OF LIVING
    ACTION STEPS
    CLOSING WORDS



    RESOURCES
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Abbreviations:

    P – Porn
    R - Relapse
    M – Masturbation
    O - Orgasm
    MO – Masturbation Orgasm
    PMO – Porn Masturbation Orgasm
    IMO – Imagination Masturbation Orgasm

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    PREFACE

    The addiction to PMO is affecting our lives, but the events in our lives are also affecting how we react on PMO. These two have a complex relationship which I’ve been trying to understand.

    The results I have achieved and the realizations I have come to are the fruits of many years of struggling with the consequences of the addiction to PMO. The pain and suffering this addiction caused in my life was the driving force for me to search restlessly for answers. And I’ve looked for them in so many places.

    As I dig deeper and deeper, gradually over time, I gained the knowledge and experience, which enabled me to understand the situation holistically. I realized that is not one single factor that caused my addiction, but rather the summary of the effect of many.

    My journey began with exploration of my mind and how it functions, and it ended back there, but on another level of understanding. I explored the nature of the thoughts and how they affect all activities in our lives, including the addiction to PMO.

    I also made an investigation on the influence of the environment I was raised in (my family, my friends and my ‘friends’, love relationships, hate relationships, the society, the TV, the Internet, the computers) on my body, brain, belief system, habits and reactions to certain stimuli.

    I found a link between the traumatic events in my childhood and early life and the addiction to PMO. Furthermore, I investigated the childhood of my parents and grandparents, which led me to understanding what has caused their negative behaviors towards themselves and towards me, as well as the susceptibility in them for addictions.

    Emotions like shame, guilt, embarrassment, pain, loneliness, rejection or fear of rejection, have further enhanced the probability for me to get addicted to PMO. Since I was unable to deal with the overwhelming thoughts and emotions, the PMO offered me a quick temporary relief to my problems, but at a price I didn’t know back then – my freedom.

    In the course of the last 10 years, through serious mental analysis and careful examination of my life from early childhood up to now, using the powerful tool of writing, I was able to achieve profound understanding of the core reasons of my addiction. With the help of the practice called ‘mindfulness of breath’ I was able to calm down my mind, let go of thinking and focusing within me, where I was finding peace and stillness.

    Despite the significant progress I had made during the years, still, until recently, I was unable to get away from the grip of the addiction. The impulse to PMO/IMO was so strong that when it was coming in my mind, it was overriding everything I knew; all the realizations I had come to and my ability to remain present. It was temporary blurring my thinking and was weakening my willpower. After I was reaching O the only thing I was left with was shame, guilt and emptiness.

    About 3 months ago, in the end of 2017, it all came together – all my efforts to understand the cause of my addiction, together with the practices I’ve been doing during the years and with some help from the Universe... I found liberation.

    In the following lines I describe the whole process I went through and the realizations that changed my life.

    Welcome!
     
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2018
  2. Todor

    Todor Fapstronaut

    PART I. FALLING INTO HELL

    I’m not religions, and I don’t know if there’s hell after life, but I think I might have got an idea about it already in this one. Let’s have a look in my dark secret past...

    INTRODUCTION TO MY STORY
    The reason I started writing this story is because I read another stories from people on the NoFap forum and I got inspired. I saw that I wasn’t the only one going through this condition and I felt like I finally belong somewhere. I wanted to share everything I went through and connect with other human beings, who had suffered like I did and with those, who are still suffering at this moment.

    When I started writing my story the first time, I did not realize I wasn’t completely opened; I wasn’t completely honest with you. I was giving facts, which were absolutely true, but they weren’t the whole truth as it was running in the back side of my head. In other words, my story was being very mentally shaped; as a grownup would tell, it was reduced by my analytical mind, and it lacked my inner emotions, feelings and thoughts, which I had back then when I was a kid. I wasn’t completely honest with myself, thus I couldn’t be honest with you.

    The reason I filtered my story was because I felt so scared that somebody might learn about those embarrassing, shameful and sinful thoughts in my head and things I did to myself, which I promised myself NEVER EVER to talk about with anyone on earth. I decided I will not write directly about the pain I experienced from my parents and brother, as this would put them in the position of the ‘bad’ people. As I was going back in the past and writing about it, I had to push away the pictures of that crying kid I was still seeing, who literally wanted to die instead of feeling that pain; and those seductive desires in that young teenage boy, which had made him feel less than worth living. All that was arising in me as I was writing and the past was still there, so alive, like it was yesterday. I couldn’t comfort that child and I couldn’t accept that youngster for what they had gone through, so the only option I had was to ignore the memories and try to avoid visiting them again – I avoided facing the pain.

    I was completely ready with my story and I was writing the next parts, when something I had never expected happened: I had a chat with somebody on the forum, who shared similar story like mine and who I felt really quickly very close to my heart. But the conversation didn’t go the way I planned it, because this person somehow questioned the validity of my experience and my story. In response I started giving facts and details about my life, but I was a bit angry and annoyed, because of the lack of trust between us. I kept writing, and writing, and I felt like more anger and rage were growing in me, as I was expressing those forbidden to talk about moments of my life, which I was try to forget. I gave in and expressed all my pain in the writing; said everything I thought I would never be able to say. I was shaking and cursing; and in the end I cried a lot...

    It was such a shocking, yet cathartic moment, which helped me see that I hadn’t healed completely the pain from my past. After 80 day of no PMO, I faced a side of me I thought had already dissolved.

    In this moment I knew that I have to write my story again, but this time allow myself to be vulnerable. I started writing from the very beginning, only keeping the framework of the years and expressing myself in a totally new way.

    The second (current) version of my story is not moderate at all - it is extreme and outrageous. I’m using vulgar language, I’m cursing, I’m angry, I’m weak. But it is the real story, uncensored and raw.

    I have no intention to cause harm to anybody who is reading this material, so I need to put this message:


    CAUTION: TRIGGER WARNING!!!

    IN MY STORY I USE LANGUAGE IN EXPLICIT SEXUAL MANNER TO EXPRESS MY FEELINGS, SENSATIONS, URGES, THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS, WHICH CAN BE TRIGGER FOR RELAPSE!

    TO AVOID RELAPSE, SKIP DIRECTLY TO THE END OF PART I FOR CENSURED SUMMARY OF MY STORY.

    CONTINUE READING AT YOUR OWN RISK!
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2018
  3. Todor

    Todor Fapstronaut

    MY STORY (IN DEPTH, UNCENSORED)


    CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS /NON-SEXUAL/

    Even from very young age (5-6), I had one quality that was helping me get all the presents I wanted – I was begging my father until I got it. I never stopped begging, I would repeat over and over again, day after day – sometimes the whole year until Christmas comes – and I would get what I wanted.

    But this got me in a lot of trouble, because my mother wasn’t happy about the situation. And the reason she wasn’t happy was because she was jealous of me getting what I wanted, while she would never get what she wanted. I remember how she was talking to herself (never at me directly) how she had this old washing machine for her entire life, while I’m getting a new piano, which is so expensive. I was very little, so I didn’t even know how to respond to her own frustration and anger. I just witnessed it. And that made me feel sorry for her, but what could I do? Back then I would already start feeling some subtle conflict between us, even though it was never expressed directly at me from her side.

    I remember how weird was the way I had to thank my father for the gifts I received from him. I remember that every time I was getting a present, which I was super excited about he was pointing at his cheek and inviting me to give him a kiss. His beard was weird and I didn’t enjoy that feeling much, but I had to, because I was a kid and I listened to my parents. I don’t remember when this stopped, but I was old enough to have this vivid memory of kissing him and not being happy about it.

    My real painful memories begin when I first heard them fighting. And it’s not just a fight between two equally strong partners, but an aggressor and a victim. My father was the aggressor and my mother was the victim.

    The first painful memories I have are from their fighting at the dinner table. My father was angry to my mother for some reason, he would throw the food on the floor, he would break dishes. It was happening constantly. I knew that as soon as I hear my father’s voice raising up, even though I was in my room, I knew the fight for tonight begins again. And I would the pain in my body, like everything was happening to me; all the violence was against me.

    I will never forget that night when I was lying in my bed, just before falling asleep when I heard screams and hits through the wall, from the bedroom of my parents. I was shocked. I froze. But the fight didn’t stop so I got out of my bed and run into their room and I yelled at them to stop. I saw how my father was beating my mother and she was crying. I hated him.

    The fights between my parents continued throughout my entire childhood, my teenage years and even after I left home at 20. There were so many times when my mother was in the bathroom crying and I was hearing her from outside. It was awful to listen. She had bruises on her body – on the back, on the chest, on the arms. I was seeing them when she was undressing, she was looking herself in the mirror and suffering for how she looked like and I was worried about her, me and my brother.

    And so many times she couldn’t take it anymore, she would pack the bags and take me; we would go out of the house, we would walk 50 meters and then she would stop, think for a little bit and said: ‘I can’t do it. We have to go back.’ We had were to go, she had a job, but something in her couldn’t take the decision to move out. And I begged her when I was older (14-15) that she has to do it, she has to take this decision because she was living in hell. I really wanted them to split up, only to stop this madness of fighting.

    And when I was really pushy to her, she once said, that I was going to cause her marriage to break down, that I’m threatening her future and she put the blame of what was going to happen to her on me. It felt so bad, because I was trying to help her, but she turned against me. Then I decided to run away from home, because I didn’t want to be the one to blame for her suffering. I was away from one night, I went in the forest, and they had freaked out so much, they were about to call the police when I came back, so she never dared to talk to me like that again.

    The first memories of my father beating my brother are horrible. I was too little to be blamed for anything yet, but not my brother – I remember that my father was persistently asking questions to my brother and he wanted answers. The more he was asking, the louder his voice was getting, the more my brother was bending and crawling before him. He would only say: ‘I don’t know’. And that was the phrase my father hated the most. He hated to hear that so much, that he was going insane. After my brother had answer ‘I don’t know’ to a certain question several times, my father would violently beat and kick my brother. I was watching this, I was in the same room and I was crying for and with my brother. I was experiencing his pain as it was done on me. I still see these images and I hear both of us crying. That wasn’t one time event. It was the way of teaching my brother not to say ‘I don’t know’, but to study more, do better at school and have answers to everything.

    I will never forget – one day in such situation of ‘I don’t know’ answer, my father, in burst of anger, hit my brother in the head with the hammer he was working on repairing something. It was enough to cause me painful experience at the age of 5 which hurts 30 years later. It didn’t get my brother to hospital, nor it damaged his head, there wasn’t even blood, but the mere fact that it happened created a huge gap between me and my father.

    (I had to make a pause here, because the emotions that came as I was writing were strong and they made me cry and relive the past. I have to let it all out).

    I remember I feared the moment when I would start going school, because I knew my time was coming. And I was right. I don’t remember what expectation of my father I didn’t meet the first time when he kicked me. The only thing I remember was that it hurt and it was humiliating. I froze and couldn’t move, standing in the middle of the room, tears run out of my eyes, as he was sitting on my bed, look at me with all his rage. I was 1/3 of his size. I felt like I had done something horrible, even though I knew I didn’t deserve it.

    There were so many times I was not good enough for my father no matter how much I tried. The only good enough was ‘perfection’. The only time he would accept what I did was if there wasn’t a better way to do it. For example: if I was brining an A+ at home, he would be fine, but that’s all. ‘Fine’ was the way he expressed his satisfaction from my results; no hugs, no smile, no acknowledgment, no appreciation. And that of course made me sad. What made me even sadder was when I was bringing an A after a very important test for me – even though I had put so much effort in preparing and I was so happy with the result, my mood was taken to the ground after his comment: ‘And why is it not A+?’ I hated him.

    Specifically traumatic for me was the time when I was learning to read. I remember that it was around 4-th grade and my father was forcing me to read out loud at him. I was so embarrassed, because for some reason I couldn’t read smoothly, I was having difficulties understanding the long words and often I was misreading them. It was embarrassing, because I wanted to read well and I felt there is a problem with me. Regardless of the fact that I was crying and trying to tell him I don’t want to read out loud, he was forcing me to do it. I was reading and crying. And I was only calming down when he was falling asleep, because I knew that I could reread the words many times, until I did it right, without him seeing that I do mistakes.

    And exactly at the end of 4-th grade I got one of my biggest traumas in school. At the age of 10, I was forced to read a text for certain amount of time in front of the whole class. And the teacher was standing next to me, with a stopwatch as I was reading – it was a standard procedure from the school system that proves that you can continue to the next class if you cover the amount of words that you pronounce. As the teacher was examining the kids before me and was approaching my desk, my heart was going to come out of my chest. I felt like the sky is about to fall over me, I was in panic. Nobody could see it, only I knew what was going on inside me. The text was from a book that each kid had brought from home, but the page was selected randomly by the teacher. A true horror experience.

    As my turn came and I started reading I knew that I’m not pronouncing some words right, but I had to keep on reading, afraid I’ll lose time if I did reread. I passed the test, but it left a scar on me which I’m still carrying.

    Nobody knew about dyslexia at that time, not my parents, nor my teacher. I found out myself I suffer from this condition when I was already out of high school, around the age of 20. But until then I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I was only suffering the immense stress from public reading which I was forced to do many, many times from different teachers. This is one of the reasons I started to sit at desks where the teachers couldn’t see me so well – I was hiding, I was afraid to be seen.

    And my schoolmates didn’t help me in any way to overcome my trauma from the reading out loud. Quite the opposite – as I would start reading, already in a full-blown panic, every voice that was coming from left, right, front or behind, which was correcting my mistakes was making me feel even worse. I could see myself in front of 20+ peers and the teacher exposed to the fact that I’m not good enough, because I’m flawed.

    (If anybody from you, the readers, has gone through similar situation, you know exactly what I’m talking about and how much pain I’ve gone through. To be rejected at such young age from everybody that you are looking acceptance from, is very helpful for falling into the hands of the addiction to PMO, as you’ll see later as I get to this point).

    The first time I thought about suicide was when he forced me to help with the renovation of the house. I was probably 11 or 12 when I had to do manual work that was causing pain in my muscles. I couldn’t bear the pain and I didn’t want to do that job, so I sat down on the floor and started crying. This is when I imagined how I tide up myself with wires and put the plug in the wall. I wanted everything to end right there. I would probably never dare to do it for real, but I imagined it so vividly, that I can say I went through it in my head. Nobody understood me. Nobody cared for what I was going through. I had nobody that listened to me. My parents were the worst people that I knew and they had power over me.

    My brother was bullying me a lot in the age between 12 and 17 and it’s completely understandable, since he was suffering from the aggression of my father. My brother used to tease me in every possible way he could. He would attack me verbally by telling me he is smarter than me and I am the stupid one. He would mock me about the way I looked, the habits I had, about the way I talked. I would get so frustrated that I would literally start stutter, cry to such extent that was unable to breathe and I would do anything, ANYTHING for him to stop. But it was not only verbally – he would torture me physically, put me on the ground, sit on me, hold my hands on the ground with his legs and use his hands to poke me in the stomach (I am very ticklish and this can cause me lose my mind from pain if somebody do this for long) squeeze my hears, ridicule me... I hated him.

    This was my daily routine for years – he would torture me for 1-2 hours just before I have to go to school and I would run out crying, with red eyes and nose; run towards school and I hoped that nobody would notice that I had cried so much.

    This affected my behavior at school – even though I was a gentle and kind kid, I would often go into fights with stones and broken glass against other kids and I was considered as the leader of the pack, just because nobody dared to face the aggression I was able to express. That got me in a lot of fighting with older kids later in the school.

    At the age of 15-18 my inner aggression was constantly growing and I started involving myself in some serious troubles, which lead dealing with the police. My life was threatened several times by people I dared to provoke seriously. Around that age I started stealing, and a bit later became a part of the Nazi circles, I shaved my head, I started doing body building as this was my way to withstand the aggression from my brother and from the rest of the world I was is a huge conflict with. I was trying to protect myself with the big muscles and to show everybody that I’m strong enough to fight them off. I was fierce...

    A sobering moment, which helped me stop stealing and going into more trouble, was the first (and until now the biggest) love of my life; a relationship based on mutual respect, devotion, attraction, harmony, beauty, giving and complete merging. I was 18 years old. (More about this relationship later).

    At the age of 20, after a huge brawl between me and my father I moved out, cutting connection with my parents and brother completely. The reason was that he put the blame for the splitting up between me and the love of my life on me, as he said that she left me because I was selfish. As he was so far away from knowing what I was going through and the pain I was experiencing at that moment after the break up, I went completely mad, (I’m glad I didn’t hit him) took all my stuff and moved out.

    I didn’t contact them for two years. Meanwhile I fall in love with another girl and she helped me realize that I need to make the step towards them, so I called them and we were together again. But this didn’t last long and soon fell apart again. On and off – between 20 and 30 years old I’ve been more time in fights with my parents than in a good relation.

    Me and my brother, we never talked about what happened in our childhood, so the communication between us has been awkward ever since.

    After I left home my life changed a lot. I was not witnessing the constant fights between my parents and that was a big relief, but the traumas I went through were yet to bring events in my life that I didn’t know how to deal. Now I was causing the repetition of the models of behavior I had experienced in my childhood and adolescence.

    What changed significantly in my 20’s is that I started looking inside me more, looking there for what was happening on the outside. I gradually became interested in human psychology, religion, karma, God, the human mind and the reason for my painful experiences. I was looking for answers everywhere.
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2019
  4. Todor

    Todor Fapstronaut

    SEXUALITY IN MY CHILDHOOD

    I grew up in a family where the topic about sexuality was forbidden. It was something we all knew exists, yet nobody ever talked about. And this was so traumatizing for me. I simply couldn’t get it – why is everybody acting like I such thing doesn’t exists? Everybody’s acting like we don’t know about it! Why nobody asks me or tells me anything about this huge topic?

    We could talk on any other topic freely, but in the moment kissing people on the TV appeared, or even worse – a couple showing affection to each other in bed – everybody in the room would become silent, I could feel the tension in the air, and my mother or my father would take the remote and switch to another channel pretending there is something more important to watch. If the remote wasn’t around we would sit embarrassed, looking at the table, hoping the scene will end sooner. So uncomfortable feeling!

    My father was never available on the topic of sexuality. He was too busy controlling me and my brother in the development in school and had no idea of my needs to talk to someone. The rare occasions he would ever talk about sexuality was in form of jokes about me, calling me sissy when there was something I couldn’t do well or just because of my sensitivity, which is indeed, part of who I am. That was a big hit my self-confidence and made harder the process of finding my true sexual preferences in the most important years of my development (between 14 and 17).

    But the thing that hurt me the most was the distance between me and my mother, on the topic sexuality. It was so absurd, because she was spending so much time caring and worrying about my clothing, my stomach – feeding me, my physical health, and she was always there for me when I was ill (she was really worried and overcaring mother), yet the fact that we never opened up the topic was so alienating for me. I had such a huge need to talk to somebody about the girls that I was in love with, about the attraction I felt towards them and about the things I discovered at the age of 10 and so on. She was the closest person in my life and in the same time the person I could never connect truly with. Such a painful experience.

    I remember one time, as we were all together – my mother, my father and I – we were chilling out and I was telling them some story about school (I was about 7-8 years old) and there was one word I said which sounded like ‘dick’. My mother jumped and asked my father what I had said. I felt threatened, like I was accused of saying something unacceptable when I was just sharing so openly and cheerfully. My father stood up for me and she let go, but I could see how suddenly she could become angry if I were to share something sexual with her.

    There’s more: the topic about HOMOSEXUALITY. As you can imagine, homosexuality, just like heterosexuality was part of the forbidden, of the taboo. But this specific part of the human sexuality was even more scary to talk about, because of what I was involved in during my 15-17 years of age. (Read on for the whole story).


    1994. DRAW INTO MO
    I was 10 years old. I was a kid. I had a neighbor-friend 3 years older than me, who one summer day approached me carefully with questions if I have played with my penis and what the feeling was for me. I didn’t know much and I just said I’m not sure about these questions, so he said: ‘let’s go to the roof of your house and I’ll show you.’ I got excited and after a little bit of planning we went there.

    It was a dark dusty place, it was summer, so it was really hot. I still remember the feeling of being there. He told me to get my pants down and he took his down. I was exposed to the view of his penis, which was much bigger than mine. He started stimulating his and said I should do the same. Both got erected, but his was much bigger than mine.

    The feeling was so new and overwhelming to me. I never before had done something like this. As we were rubbing our penises with hands, he said that it’s much better if somebody else is doing it to you. So he got mine and started rubbing it. I was out of space. I melted with the feeling that was done to me. I immersed in the pleasure. After some time he said that I should do it to him as well. And so I did – I touched his big penis with my hand and started rubbing it. The feeling was unexpected. He was stimulating me and I was stimulating him.

    This repeated again after a few days. As we met again he asked me if I want to go to the roof again and I agreed. And so, the whole summer this was a practice that was reoccurring every so often.

    That was our secret. It was really something that nobody had to know ever! When we were meeting, we knew what we’re going to do. He even invented a secret word for it, which only I could understand. Also, when we went up in the dark roof, we were secretive, just like we are about to do a robbery or something else, which was forbidden. I remember once my grandma came up the stair and almost got us with pants down, but because it was so dark, we quickly pulled them up as she started to yell and ask us what we are doing there. My older friend quickly found a reason that we were looking for my old bike, so my granny didn’t uncover our secret activity.

    The next summer everything repeated. I was really getting used to that. I remember that I tried to imagine how he feels when I touch him, as he was older and his experience was more intense than mine (as he stated). I was rubbing his dick.

    In these two years I learned one way to get to orgasm quicker – I would do certain muscular straining, which would somehow bring me to the end much, much quicker than otherwise. This way I could come in about 30 seconds. I was rushing, because we could get caught and also I was able to experience the pleasure of O more often in less time. (This practice turned out to be a problem for me later in life, because I was reaching O too fast when I was making love with my girlfriends.)


    1996. At the age of 12 in school we started the practice of changing the classmates we were sitting next to. For some time I was sitting next to a friend, who was full of energy, almost restless and also mean in a way I couldn’t understand; a bit aggressive I would say. I don’t remember how we got there, but I remember that at one point, he had his hand touching my penis and balls through my pants and he was inviting me with a seductive look on his face to do the same to him. It was amazingly good feeling. But it had the sense of something forbidden, something not wrong, totally outrageous. And all that was happening in class! With 20 other kids around and the teacher in front of us.

    I will never forget: once the teacher noticed that we were moving our hands in a weird way and loudly interrupted what we were doing by asking what was going on; what were we up to. The feeling of being suspected of doing something like that; almost caught and exposed to everybody with your hand on another person’s genitals is public is something I can only describe as: extreme anxiety, dreadful fear, fully focused attention, and all that, in the same time as I was feeling the amazing sensation of my penis being touched...



    1997.
    At the age of 13, I experienced a really painful hit in my heart and on my self-confidence from my very first girlfriend.

    A beautiful girl moved in my class from another school and I fell in love with her immediately. I found a way to let her know I like her, through another girl. We somehow became a couple. I was with a girl!

    But it was weird relationship, because she was kind of cold and very haughty, so I never get to feel calm around her. She wasn’t letting me close to her.

    I had no skills with girls and I tried to offer my care and generosity as a way to please her... And this is such an embarrassing moment in my life, I can’t even tell you how I feel writing about it here...

    So, we were in a small snack bar, not far from the school, in the long break between the classes. We were a couple, but I was really nervous and acted awkward. Somehow I ended up buying her a sandwich and I wanted to give it to her, but the break was over, so she went back to the school without waiting for me – I was still on the line waiting for the sandwich. As I got it I run after her and I reached her as she was just entering the building of the school. I was talking loud, saying I’ve got the sandwich for her, but she didn’t turn back.

    On one of the windows was one of our classmates, who saw the whole situation and heard what I wanted to tell her. He burst in laughter. I saw him and I heard how he was making fun of me. He kept on repeating my words so loud that everybody could hear him. It was so embarrassed.

    Until I get upstairs and in the classroom, everybody already knew what I had done. The teacher came in right after me and everybody got quiet. It was the most awful silence I can ever remember. The smell of the sandwich was spreading in the entire room reminding me and everybody else about what I just did. I was wrecked.

    Needless to say, that she broke up with me in the school and I cried so hard in front of the whole class. It was humiliating. Some of my friends were around me trying to calm me down and I felt even more embarrassed.

    The story with sandwich was reminded to me in the next 5 years, until the end of high school, because it happened that after I moved in another class next year, the guy from the window moved with me and his first job was to tell our new classmates what I had done last year. I was watching him talking to the girls and as he was telling the story, they were looking at me, laughing mockingly.

    I wanted to disappear off the face of the earth.


    1998. DRAW INTO PMO
    I was 14 years old. A lot of things happened that year.
    It was summer time again, no school, and me and my neighbor-friend met again. This time he suggested that we do something different – to go in his apartment when his mother wasn’t there and he said that he has something to show me, that I’ve never seen before. I was thrilled to see what he was talking about.

    As we went there, he played a videotape with porn. This is the first time I was exposed to something like this. My mind was blown away. I instantly got an erection and he as well. We sat on the beds and started fapping. It was so pleasurable. It was incredible. I was completely immersed in what I was seeing on the TV screen and what I was feeling in my body. Sometimes I was having a looking at him as he was masturbating. His penis was much bigger than mine. He again suggested that he gives me some help with his hand and I did the same to him.

    We were watching for some time and meanwhile I was able to come not just once. But it was time for him to come and I was watching him, because he speeded up and got really tense. He ejaculated with sperm as I was witnessing all this.

    He told me later that when I got sperm the sensation will be much, much, stronger and nice. I couldn’t wait for that moment.

    Beside all fun that we were having back then, I noticed something weird in his actions – I noticed that he is asking me a lot of questions of how I feel when I masturbate – he was really interested to know my sensations.

    What else was weird was that when we switched to watch P on TV, sometimes there were commercials, so we looked for another channel. As he was switching through the channels and masturbating slowly, when there were men on the screen, he would speed up, but he didn’t stay on the channel, he was just switching. I noticed that and I was a bit confused, but I took no action.

    In the same year I got my 3-rd computer in life, which was rather fast for its time and even without Internet access yet, shortly after that moment I already had a collection of nude picture of attractive females (an older ‘friend’ of mine helped me with that).

    I couldn’t wait for the time of the day when my parents were at work, my brother at school and I was locking the door, very secretive, on high alert from any noise, afraid of being caught and I was fapping a lot.

    And I had absolutely no problem with PMO at that time. It was part of my intimate life and I enjoyed it a lot.


    1999-2001. At the age of 15 things went really wrong for me.

    I got Internet access. At this point I didn’t only have a collection of nude women, but I had access to the WWW and everything I could think of. And even though it started really innocent, my interest to explore new genre quickly got me far from where I started.

    I remember that at a certain point the ‘normal’ stuff didn’t give me enough blast to MO. I needed something stronger. As I was browsing through the galleries I was drawn by lesbian stuff. The fact that it was novelty and the fact that instead of one female I was seeing 2 at once, simply doubled the pleasure. I was attracted by the gentleness and I fantasized how it feels for them. I was connecting and identifying with the pleasure they were experiencing. But once this became ‘the new normal’ I went further...

    I was now browsing through all kind of stuff, which were more and more pervert, distorted, included slightly painful stuff in the pleasure – a bit of smacking, anal sex and so on.

    The more I was exposed to PMO, the stronger was my imagination of how the characters feel. I could imagine how it was for them, I was listening to their moaning, to the words and phrases they were using. Sometimes I just didn’t need to watch P, because my imagination was so powerful to create images on its own. I was quite far ahead for my time, sinking deeper...

    At school and the girls: despite the natural drive that I had toward girls, after the first very traumatic relationship two years ago, I couldn’t open emotionally for them anymore. I was afraid of being rejected and humiliated again. So I was really scared to approach any girl that I liked.

    But in my imagination I was far better! The PMO had already affected me so severely that in school I was getting urges to MO impossible to resist. I would go to the toilets in the breaks and fap thinking of a girl that I was just interacting with. As soon as I was back home from school I would immediately start IMO again. And then I would go for more PMO.

    I started blaming myself: Back then I couldn’t see the effects of the PMO and the trauma on my behavior with the girl, but I knew something is not right. So I started asking myself why some of the other boys in school were getting girls, but I wasn’t. And I went in a wrong direction...

    I started with examination of my physical appearance: my face. I was looking in the mirror and I was asking: ‘Is my nose too long? Is it because of my ears – are they too big? Or is it because of my eyes – they don’t look very attractive...’ So I started looking for the reason in me, but on a purely physical level. I started disliking my face, I could see the shadow of my ears as I was walking on the street and they looked really big and awful, I was unhappy with my teeth and I felt embarrassed when I smiled, so I tried to avoid doing that, and I started wearing sunglasses as much as possible, because I was ashamed of my eyes – I was going into big troubles.

    I went further: I thought it’s maybe because my body is not attractive enough. I took all my clothes off and started examining the shape of my body in the mirror. I thought my hips is too wide and that is the reason! I didn’t have the typical alpha-male body shape, so I thought this is why the girls don’t like me. I began feeling ashamed of my body. I stared hating it.

    As I was exploring my body I looked at my ass and I felt attracted of what I saw. It looked much like a female ass. I got arousal from the view and started to fap. My imagination was already very twisted by the huge amount of P that I had watched and it was easy to connect what I was seeing in the mirror with everything else on the screen.

    I went further and I touched my ass as I was fapping and soon after I got triggered by the idea to put something in it. It was the biggest craving ever. I felt the irresistible urge to do it and it was so pervert and sick, that I was shaking from fear and anxiety, but also need to satisfy my imagination. As soon as I reached O I felt really confused, ashamed, and guilty.

    This was the moment when I started to question my sexuality. I went online and started reading about homosexuality, about bi, about everything that I didn’t know before. I needed to find the reason why I did that to myself. And I need to tell all of you – the information on the Internet can be extremely misleading and bring you to totally wrong conclusion of who you are and who you’re not.

    After weeks of reading, searching and repeating the practice with MO and exploiting my ass, I was getting more and more to the conclusion that I cannot be heterosexual. I thought I’m lying to myself by thinking I’m straight and I am actually gay, who doesn’t want to admit this. That was the worst thought that made my life such a horrible experience.

    It got even worse: I got totally confused about my sexuality. I was so seduced by gay P and it was triggering me so bad. But it was so disgusting to watch. It felt totally wrong. As soon as I reached O I would hate myself, I would call myself a creep, a freak; I couldn’t look myself in the mirror anymore.

    Note: I also developed a strong homophobia - because I couldn't accept myself with my urges; I couldn't accept the homosexual people - I thought we are all twisted and sick; we should get treatment from this disease.

    The worst moment was when I had the misfortune to find sissy P. That was the bottom! I identified completely with the characters in those videos and my sexual identity was ruined. I thought that I’m a woman in a man’s body; I started thinking of surgery for changing my gender; I thought I’ll have to leave the country. It was insanity. I was devastated...

    ------

    Somehow I survived the next 3 years. Somehow I managed to push away these thoughts during most of the time. I was keeping myself busy with other stuff – this is exactly when I got involved into illegal stuff, stealing, violence, alcohol and others.

    Note: Regardless of all my secret practices, in real life I was never attracted by a male person. I was only interested and I was falling in love with girls. This was a huge contradiction, which my mind couldn’t bear.


    2002-2003. At the age of 18 I met the teenage love of my life. I fell in love with a girl that helped me get in the right direction – I stopped stealing, gave up bad habits and decided to continue studying in university. It was a mutual love, giving, sharing, respect, sex – everything I had ever dreamed of. We were non-stop together and non-stop making love. I was fast like a rabbit, but I could repeat, so it wasn’t a big deal. For about 6 months I didn’t even think of PMO, because I was high from the chemistry of love, but gradually after that, I began again. With the deterioration of our relationship I came back to my old habit.

    I never dared to admit anything about my dirty secret, but in the end of our 2 years relationship I decided I’ve got nothing else to lose and since she was the closest person I had on earth, I told her that I’ve had shameful fantasies. She accepted me and told me that it’s fine and I cried like a bitch. I felt accepted for the first time and that was so comforting.


    2004-2008. I was 20-24. It was going in another hard period.

    After a fight with my father I moved out of house and started working in a factory. The people there were vulgar and were making fun of me. Some were making jokes and called me fag. That wasn’t funny at all, because it was triggering me in a bad way. I was IMO about those who were humiliating me and right after I reach O I hated myself insanely.

    The situation was so ridiculous, because in the exact same time when I worked there, I was with a girl that I dearly loved. It was very elevated relationship, in total contrast of my working day. I was living two lives.

    I was with this girl for a little over 1 year and we never had sex. She didn’t want to. She hadn’t had sex before. It was so hard for me, because we were getting really close, but no sex. It was killing me. PMO was my escape.

    Note: This is the time when I developed a strong fetish about girls who looked like her, which turned into a mania. So I got stuck with the memory and dream for being with her again for over 10 years. This ruined a lot of other relationships.

    ---

    At that moment in my life I had developed such a strong habit of IMO or PMO, that only one single though appearing at the horizon of my mind was enough to make me MO. As soon as the though appeared I would become completely helpless in resisting it. I could do anything to distract myself, I could try my best to resist and push the thought away, but it would creep unnoticed some minutes after and torture me until it gets what it wants - MO. I was helpless, exhausted, irritable, depressed.

    I realized how bad the situation was, so I looked for help - at the time I was very religious so I gave that a try. I had some background already in praying practices, so I just got very serious about it for an year or so. I prayed day and night, but to no avail. I would achieve 2 weeks of freedom, I would be totally happy and then I would relapse suddenly.

    I tried psychological approach - I read forums where professional psychologists were talking about sexuality and I dearly wanted to heal from my condition. But I didn't want to necessarily heal from the P addiction, but just the addiction to homosexual content/thoughts. I didn't want to accept I was gay; I resisted this possibility.

    The thing was that I wasn't happy to accept the idea of me as gay. This idea had a tremendous negative effect over me. It completely enslaved me, inhibited my ability to be a self-respected human being, able to operate in this world in a harmonious - have a normal job, normal relationship, normal life. As I imagined myself as gay I would only see myself abused, hurt, humiliated, and in the same time I would extract pleasure from this, because I was MO just by the idea. This idea became my trigger. It was working flawless - I could always get MO from it. But I had to pay a very high price for it - my body was becoming weaker, my mind - restless; I would go into terrible, horrible, unspeakable depression. The further I was going with identification as gay, the further I was MO, the worse was my life becoming. There was no end to it. I've had days when I had myself locked in a room, MO so many times, I was crying for help. I was so empty and so alone, I felt I've given my soul to the devil. If there is such thing as hell, I think I know well how it feels there...

    ------

    Somehow I survived. Somehow life gave me another chance and I continued ahead, not resolving my addiction, but at least I started doing something else.


    2009-2015. 25-31 In these years things with PMO were on and off. Sometimes I got triggered really badly by something I see or hear, sometimes I'd get irresistible urges to PMO; in the rest of the time I would just follow the need to get a relief and MO first thing in the morning. This would be considered as normal lifestyle.

    I had many girlfriends in these years which was keeping me away from the heavy thoughts about my controversial sexuality. But no matter how deep I had pushed them down, there were times I would relapse really bad and I would hate myself more than I can express with words.


    2016. At age of 32 I went to work abroad. I went to a country, where the prejudice about sexuality were not as extreme as in my home country. This is where I went into huge conflicts with many other opinions for the first time. Whenever the topic about homosexuality was raised I was getting really aggressive and extreme. I stated that homosexuality is wrong, that it’s a disease and the humanity is deteriorating.

    Of course, I had a solid reasons behind what I was saying – so many years of suffering from gay PMO/IMO urges. Nobody was understanding what I was talking about and I wasn’t understanding them.

    These verbal fights continued for months. All the people I talked with helped me see a different perspective on the topic, but one person in particular helped me enormously to realize I have a serious problem. As I was discussing with her, over and over again, one evening I decided I’m going to speak about my secret. It was so hard, my heart was going to explode. As I was sharing my biggest fear I even got arousal and how else when there was so much repressed energy in me which I couldn’t deal with. That was a crucial moment, because I decided that I want to get on with the problem and solve it. I knew I would never be happy if I didn’t solve this issue.

    I started looking for real medical help – I wanted to see a professional psychologist. I send a request to the health care agency and started looking for the right person. But then something didn’t work out and this meeting didn’t occur. Still, I was showing signs I was ready to take actions now...

    2017. It took one more year before the big change in my life happened...


    This is basically what I went through in my life related to traumas and the PMO addiction. The important realizations and discoveries I made, as well as the end of the story follows in PART II.
     
  5. Todor

    Todor Fapstronaut

    SUMMARY OF MY STORY (CENSURED)

    (If you’ve read the uncensored version of my story, skip this summary)


    I was raised in a family with moderate to high degree of violence from my father towards my mother, my brother and me. My father played the role of the aggressor and my mother – the victim.

    I received traumas from the methods of my father was trying to keep me and my brother motivated to study at school; from the bullying from my brother; from the lack of ‘child-parent’ relationship between me and my parents, where I could express my needs and experiences, receive emotional support and feel accepted unconditionally.

    The topic of sexuality was forbidden in the family and we never talked about it. This created a gap between us and further separation.

    I was introduced to M by an older friend/neighbor at the age of 10. The practice to MO with him continued for 2 years and was enough to establish a strong habit in me. At the age of 13 I received a trauma from public humiliation and rejection in my first relationship with a girl, which affected my self-confidence.

    At the age of 14 I was introduced to P.

    At the age of 15 I got access to Internet and sank into PMO on a daily basis. The lack of success with the girls and the twist of the PMO, I went into wrong identification of my sexual preferences and identification. I gradually explored genres of P which were not my initial preferences. I reached the feeling of being into the hell. This affected my entire behavior in life in the next 3 years, including: stealing, violence, fights, alcohol abuse and others.

    A sobering moment to leave the negative practices was teenage falling in love and relationship at 18 years of age, which continued for 2 years.

    After the break up with my ex, at the age of 20 the problems with PMO got worse again as my life situation became complicated when I left home after a fight with my father. The period continued until I got around 25.

    From 25 to 31 things with PMO were on and off. I had some really hard moments, but in general I managed to keep myself busy and don’t think of the problem so much. I had many love relationships, which helped a lot.

    At 32 my views about the homosexuality changed due to intensive collision of my opinion with others. I decided to finally face my problems.

    But it wasn’t until the end of 33 (Dec 2017) when it all came together...
     
  6. Todor

    Todor Fapstronaut

    PART II. THE TRANSFORMATION

    And here we are, in the last month of 2017, which also happened to be the last month of my PMO addiction, as well as the time of my life with most intensive inner transformations and realizations.


    In mid Dec 2017, after quitting my job, I decided to step back and reevaluate my life completely. I rented room for one month, away from everybody I know (no friends, no family), where I had the privacy and the quietude I needed. There I was basically doing the following:

    - Reevaluating my past mentally;

    - Writing extensively in my diary;

    - Practicing mindfulness of breath (for about 2 hours per day);

    - Using Internet as a source of information for my transformation.


    HEALING THE PAST – UNDERSTAND, ACCEPT, FORGIVE

    The first step that I took to heal myself was to go over my past and do a serious purge. What I mean by ‘serious purge’ is: sitting still, mentally going back in time and looking for those moments in my life, that still felt painful and working to resolve the conflicts (understand, accept forgive), using writing where better understanding was needed and breathing consciously to create a calm and resourceful state of mind.

    Topics to think about were:
    - MY FAMILY – father, mother, brother
    - THE OTHERS who had caused me pain in my life
    - MY NEIGHBOR/FRIEND who I blamed for involving me into PMO
    - PAST LOVE RELATIONSHIPS which I didn’t end up properly


    MY FAMILY
    I began from the closest people in my life – my family. Even though I had already given them forgiveness many times, I was amazed to find out how much I was still blaming them for what they had caused me. I was blaming my father for beating me and not accepting; my brother for bullying me; my mother for not being able to create a deep ‘child-parent’ relationship with me. I was full with subtle anger against them, which was still there so many years after my childhood.

    At this point I knew that simply trying to convince myself that I forgive them wasn’t going to take the blame and the pain away so I had to bring the things to another lever: in order to forgive first I needed to UNDERSTAND what caused their actions; why did they treat me like that. And to understand I had to look as far back as possible in my family history. I had already gained a lot of information during the years through a lot of asking of my parents and grandparents, but now I had to put all pieces together.

    First I looked at the person that had caused me most pain: my father. I looked (mentally) in his entire life, looked in his actions and I tried to justify them somehow, but I couldn’t. I was still angry at him because of what he had caused me. But then I remembered that I had a conversation with him long time ago about how his father (my grandfather) had raised him and then I suddenly got it: my father once told me, that when he was growing up my grandfather used to point out to him his mistakes. He was basically trying to teach him by telling him where he had made a mistake. But that was so hard for my father, that he decided to become so good, that nobody could ever tell him he’s done something wrong. And this is how my father had become a perfectionist (which he definitely is). The little kid (my father) got severe trauma of constantly being told that he’s done something wrong.

    Now I could see why my father had this approach with my upbringing. It became clear that he wanted me to be as good as him (perfect in everything), so the world could accept me. He just repeated what he knew. Only then, after I understood why my father had acted like that, I could accept and forgive him. He did the best he could do according to his level of understanding of how to raise a child.

    Then I looked at my mother: I looked at her family when she was a kid. Sadly enough, she grew up in constant violence: my other grandfather was alcoholic and was constantly maltreat my grandmother. So my mother had adopted this model of ‘normal family relationship’ in her early age. I was becoming more aware of the inevitability of the conditions I grew up.

    Finally I looked at my brother, because I received quite a lot of pain from him: I quickly realized that everything he was doing was coming as coping mechanism with the violence against him from my father. My brother was just another victim of the vicious circle we were all part of.

    The conclusion: Before I looked from this higher perspective I couldn’t see that everything they gave me and the way they treated me was the ONLY thing they could do! I had no clue that they were acting out of their best intentions. Sure, their best intentions did not match my expectations and needs, but what else could they do, when they were taught this is the right way to raise a child? I couldn’t see that they were the product of the of their parents and conditioned by the society and its norms. But even the society is consisted of people, who were raised in a way far from perfect. Then how can I now blame anybody for anything when I know where it’s all coming from?


    THE OTHERS
    I went further – outside of my family – to those who had caused me physical and psychological pain and suffering. Here as well I saw that they were acting out from the level of their understanding of what is right to be done at those specific moments. And even when I thought they could act better, nicer, kinder, I needed to see that in order to treat me bad and to cause me pain, they were experiencing pain themselves, they were hurt by somebody else along the way and what they gave me was the only thing they could.


    MY NEIGHBOR/FRIEND
    I took a trip back to the moment when I first got at that dark roof with my neighbor/friend at the age of 10. I tried to see why this event happened. I spend quite a long time contemplating on that specific moment, because I needed to see the whole picture. And the more I observed, the more I understood why:

    1. My parents were busy working and making a living. I had freedom to do what I want during the day and it happened that I started MO at 10. But why did my parents allow this to happen? – The answer is simple: my father was only concerned about my grades, because that was important for him; and my mother could not pay enough attention to me because of the fights with my father and the fact that she is still ashamed to talk about sexuality, so she could not ask me anything in this direction.

    2. I reviewed the family situation of this neighbor/friend and guess what: he grew up with divorced parents and the father was alcoholic – another broken family, where the parents couldn’t take care of their children. His mother was working non-stop to cover the expenses and his father was constantly drunk. Growing up in this environment – no doubt the P/MO was his medication.

    After I made these realizations it was so much easier for me to see that my habit of MO started because of the need to fill in the gap of the missing attention, love, care, acceptance and time spent together. I could not defend my habit anymore, because core of its presence in my life was showing that there is something else missing and P/MO was not going to give it to me.

    Note: In this process of looking from the perspective of the others and searching for the reasons behind their actions, a new feeling arose in me: empathy. This feeling helped me look deeper in their beings and find the pain that they were experiencing. Now I wasn’t just looking for excuse for my suffering in the past, but I was able to comfort their souls.

    To reach to this depth of understanding and empathy, I was blessed to find one great teacher – Byron Katie. ‘The Work’ as she calls her method of self-inquiry. I watched hours of her video sessions on YouTube and they gave me great insight. (See section RESOURCES for some links)


    PAST LOVE RELATIONSHIPS

    It was finally time to stop using my past relationships as a source of pleasure to MO. It had become a practice for me to do it and I was keeping the images of the past alive, thus I was never able to let go of these relationships – I kept them alive for my satisfaction.

    I was dreaming about them very often. They used to appear in my sleep, where I was with them, doing all the things I was still longing for.

    And even the P genres I was often watching was an attempt to repeat, to resemble the pleasure of my past. I was triggered by specific types of girls and I didn’t realize I was doing it before I spent the time to look inside me.

    Again here - I mentally went back in all those moments of pleasure and the girls I was attached to – the images, the feelings, the sensations – and I detached from them. I let them go; I let myself go, move on... and come to the present moment in which none of my imagination was real. I had to accept it as it is. It was liberating.


    REALIZATIONS ON THE THOUGHT AND PMO


    Another huge realization I made in the time I spent completely alone in the end of 2017 was on how the thoughts in my head were affecting my whole life, including the addiction to PMO. In fact the urge to PMO is a thought that arises in the mind and takes control over the actions. One single thought is able to create a cascade of chemical reactions in the brain and override the willpower of the person, thus MO becomes impossible to be stopped.

    But this realization didn’t come suddenly to me – it was a long way I had to walk; work that needed to be done. Let me tell you how it all started...


    DEVELOPMENT OF THOUGHT CONTROL
    I was 21 years old when I first became interested in the human mind. And my interest was born out of a need: I had a desperate need to take a break from my mind. See, at that time of my life I noticed how exhausting it is to have a narrator in your head, who is talking to itself, commenting and criticizing everything around, and doing that all day long and never stops. A constant chatter about all kinds of stuff – taking about the past and how unfair it was or worrying about the future and what it may go wrong – it was a misery! Some nights I couldn’t even fall asleep for hours, because of these repetitive thoughts and conversations.

    So I had to find a solution.

    The first thing that got my attention was a tiny little book with Yogic breathing exercises. I started practicing every day, but I expected the results to come too fast, so after a couple of weeks of no miracles I kind of gave up. I pushed the exercise aside, but at least I gave it a try.

    After a couple of years I found a book about concentration began doing the exercises in it. At one point I began to see changes in the way I was able to focus on specific subject – the exercises were helping me.

    Few years later I made a daily plan, which included 5 min. of Yogic breathing and 5 min. of concentration on a tiny little dot on a white piece of paper. I put high priority on this and I was quite diligent.

    And so, I was going through life and I had done some progress, but it wasn’t until I turned 28, when I was blessed to find one book that changed my life completely: I read ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle. There he was explaining about the thought processes, the human mind, the consciousness and many other exciting stuff.

    The moment when my life changed dramatically was when I read and tried one exercise suggested in that book called: ‘Watching the thinker’. That was the moment when I realized I’m not the voice in my head, I’m not my thoughts. I’m aware of my thoughts, but I am beyond that. So for a few seconds my mind stopped, the voice stopped and I was there just observing the ‘no-thought’ state. I was free of thinking! I had found peace...

    But, this didn’t last long and my mind kicked in. I was lost in the stream of thoughts again. At least now I knew that there is this new state of existence, which is available to me if I practice breathing and observing my thoughts. And from 28 on I was developing the skills.
    ---
    And there I was, 3 months ago, at the age of 33, sitting in stillness and exploring my inner world. It was so quiet and I was so calm, that I could register the moments when a though was appearing. Try to imagine it: it is complete silence, nothing is happening, only I’m there as presence, witnessing the blank canvas of my mind. And then suddenly POP – a thought appeared. I just register it, I’m not judging it, I’m not pushing it away, nor I start following it; just seeing it as an object.

    This was easy with relatively harmless thoughts, that didn’t require any action – like daydreaming, what I’m going to cook, a melody of a song I had listened a few days ago. The only thing they could do is distract me from being aware of myself.

    But there were those other thoughts with sexual content, usually coming from past events in my life or created from the tension in my genitals after a couple of days of continence. They were the powerful trigging thoughts that forced me to take actions – the PMO thoughts. These were hard to separate from, because of their super strong energy pull. I was still not able to withstand them.

    One night I had a sudden realization which I wrote down on my laptop. Here it is in its original form:

    ALL I HAVE ARE THOUGHTS

    In the empty space of my mind there are thoughts, which come and visit me from time to time. They want something from me. They want to do something with me.

    Some thoughts are relatively harmless and easy to deal with, but some are intrusive and take much energy out of me during their stay or in the end, just as they go away. They act upon me in a way that my body releases energy. The energy that comes out of the physical body may not seem a lot, but there is also loss of vital energy in huge amounts – that is harder to notice, but I have already began to see the results. The immediate effect is of pleasure, but the long-term is sadness, apathy, depression, guilt, impurity; they make me feel poorer and lower the sense of self.

    Specific thoughts have the habit to visit me repetitively. When the vital energy in my body is not strong enough, or there isn’t a big built-up of energy, then the visiting thoughts can appear in my consciousness, but they don’t have the power to take over my will and obtain full control. My will-power is greater and I can decide whether to follow the impulse of the thought or not.

    But in other instances, when my body has accumulated sexual energy for some time and I have dared to stimulate myself to bring the energy out, the impulse from the thought that can arise - from a physical sensation, thought, picture, sound, in association with past thoughts, memories, imaginations and experiences of pleasure (habitual activities deeply rooted in my daily life) – is so strong, that it can, in an instant, take full control over my actions until it achieves its task. In these moments I lose the ability to control my actions; I lose the sense of I. There is only the impulse of the thought and the pleasure. There is no I, no consciousness. I am completely identified with the sensation.

    After many years of exploration and observation, I can now see, that the thoughts are objects of matter, but a mental matter; anyhow, they are real and their presence is more obvious for me now, as it was years ago. I can register and observe a thought that comes up in my mind up to a certain point; to the point to which I can raise my awareness and keep it higher than the energy of the thought. In the case of explosive-like thoughts, I have very little to almost none presence yet. Their coming is sudden and hard to register.

    I sometimes let these thought grow from small harmless ideas; I even dare to stimulate them by letting them be present in my mind, thinking I will be able to keep control over them, but their energy pull is so strong, that from a certain moment on, I can’t find enough presence/awareness to say “No”.

    The task of practicing presence to the degree, after which there isn’t a single thought bigger and stronger than the feeling of “I am” is a task to be mastered in my life. It is the most important task that I can put on the List of my Ultimate Goals in Life.

    If I achieve freedom from the obsessive impact of the thoughts in my life, I will become free from the greatest obstacle to exist in peace.
     
  7. Todor

    Todor Fapstronaut

    THE BREAKTHROUGH
    The moment of the breakthrough for me occurred on the 28th of Dec 2017 after a lot of work to understand my past, to understand myself and to evolve to point where I could face the nature of the addiction to PMO.

    As I was sitting calmly in the bed, enjoying the sensation of breathing, a sudden thought about P appeared in my head, followed by a very strong urge to open up the browser and start PMO on homosexual content. A single thought, which came from nowhere, totally unexpected, was about to take my willpower and make me feel miserable again, but this time something went different...

    Because I was coming out of a state of deep relaxation and self-awareness, despite the overwhelming arousal I got from the P video, I didn’t engage immediately with M. I was able to slow down my reactions and have a bit of rationality, a bit of presence along with the urge.

    I remembered to search for those signals which were showing disharmony in the actions of the characters. I was searching for the motives behind the obvious. I was asking myself: Is this based on kindness, respect, love and dignity or it shows signs of trauma?

    The urge inside me to M was tempting me to put my hands on my genitals but at this moment I had stronger control over my body, so I just decided I’ll keep them flat on the bed. In this position I continued exploring what was making all those people to engage in brutal gay P.

    What I noticed was horrifying: suddenly I realized that there was so much pain, humiliation and maltreatment between the characters, which was not expression of pure joy of being fully connected with another human being! I realized I was watching people who were desperately looking for love; people trying to reach, to connect, with another human being, but it was all happening in a wrong way. The joy and the pleasure were mixed with pain and suffering.

    And all I was seeing on the screen was a reflection of my life – I had identified myself with the same emotions, same thoughts and beliefs about my sexual needs which were triggering me now. But there was no space for self-pity. I didn’t think of myself as a victim – I was just observing.

    My determination to go through the craving and understand it completely was huge. And I knew so well how I would feel if I’d relapsed again so I just said to myself: ‘No matter what happens, my hands will remain still.’ I promised myself that in any circumstances, I will keep my hands down – mindful where my hands are...

    As I was watching one video over and over again, I remember that I started to feel separation from the characters I was seeing. I began to dissociate from their pleasure and pain. In my mind I said: ‘You are free to do what you want and I want to be free to do what I want.’ I certainly wanted to remain still.

    Along with the craving I was experience, a part of me began to felt the deeper needs that the characters were trying to fulfill. In that moment I felt compassion and empathy towards them. I could now understand and justify their actions, but I did not want to engage in them anymore. I knew that this is not the right way to go.

    After the third or fourth time of playing the same video, a magic happened: I noticed how my attention shifted from the video, back to my breath and within that moment I felt like I’m back to myself again. I felt like the time I spent in mindfulness meditation – a whole happy human being, self-sufficient, joyful, yet calm and still. My thinking was clear I was free to decide what to do next, I was back to reality.

    And within moments my erection started weakening. I continued keeping my attention on my breath and within a minute my erection was gone. I was watching the videos, but I was completely calm. I felt the freedom to choose what to do and I slowly and gently closed the computer. I remained still for some time. That was my first time ever coping with P without MO!!! I cried! I knew I had won!

    Note: I had never ever before experienced such a shift, such a separation from the P in the middle of the act of watching it. It was impossible for me to go back to calm state of mind once I was triggered. During these 20 years of addiction, no matter how much I struggled, I would always relapse once a thought about P/MO.


    On the next day...

    HEALING FROM HOMOPHOBIA
    After the first successful restrain from fapping and the horrific discoveries of what emotions I was attached to in the gay P, I was now finally ready to face ALL my fears totally opened and disarmed.

    To resolve the conflict I had about whether I’m gay or not, I had to be brave enough to accept this idea. I had fought with this doubt for so many years and I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life in this secrecy, pain and misery.

    In the next couple of days (29-30 Dec 2017) I came up with the idea of watching anti-homophobic videos on YouTube (see RESOURCES for links), where professional actors, with a set up of hidden cameras in a cafe, were presenting children coming out to their parents as gay. The parents acted out as they severely reject their kids. As the parents stood up and walked away, random people from the tables around stepped in to give their support to the kid, who was just rejected. That touched me so much, because I recognized myself in that kid when I was little and I needed someone to talk to, I wanted to share my world with my parents, but I was afraid of being rejected. In the same time I identified with those people who stood up for the kid – I saw that I would do the same as they did, so I actually became the support for the kid that was still there, deep within me, looking for help, support, acceptance.

    I saw that I deserved acceptance regardless of my sexual orientation. And I understood that I am the first person who needs to give this acceptance to myself. Who else would do the same – would my parents and my friends accept me – that did not matter to me anymore, because I was self-sufficient. Now I was ready to stand for those who feared rejection due to their different sexual orientation and needed my opened heart. This was the end of my homophobia. I can’t tell you how hard I cried that evening...

    That was indeed the BIGGEST relief in my life. After uncovering and sharing my secret with the world (my family, friends and all of you reading now) there is nothing left that I am afraid of. There is nothing else I hide, this is my scariest secret, there is nothing about me to be exposed which I fear. I am free.


    THE FIRST WEEK OF NO MO – THE NIGHTMARE
    After everything that happened at the evening on the 30-th Dec 2017, I felt at so much peace, I fell asleep and slept like never before. I woke up feeling amazing – totally at peace. I had a fantastic day!

    But what was about to come is something I had never expected: the following week was a NIGHTMARE!!!

    Note: I need to omit the details about my experiences – trigger precaution.

    Just imagine after 20 years of reinforcement of a habit like this and taking the drug away – the abstinence is a horrible experience. The energy of the addiction was with the power of a tsunami and once unleashed it was acting exactly like that.

    So, what was the problem? - I had opened myself to embrace the idea of me as homosexual, which I had rejected for around two decades, while the gay PMO/IMO was my worst addiction and it had irresistible pull over me. I was instantly turned on by it and the more I was going for it, the deeper I was sinking in exhaustion, depression, self-hatred and so on.

    In another words: the more I was identifying as gay (this time voluntarily), the more I was approaching the gay PMO craving. I wanted to embrace the idea of being gay, but I didn’t want to be addicted to gay PMO.

    THE PROBLEM was that in the first week of restrain from touching myself I didn’t see the difference between the real meaning of being gay and being addicted to gay P/I. My brain had full control over me, i.e. gay P/I pushing for MO. But actually the P wasn’t as bad as the imaginations I had created myself since childhood (with inspiration from P).

    If my observations are totally accurate, the gay P actually helped me because it gave me an insight of the negative emotions in me to which I was attached to. It served the role of a mirror for my flaws. BUT MY IMAGINATIONS WERE DEMONIC!!!

    If I summarize and extract the most valuable from the first 8-10 days after I stopped fapping, I can tell you that my brain used literally EVERYTHING possible to convince me I have to get to O. And by saying everything I mean it – I went through so many videos in different genre of P – the most pervert and twisted ones you can find; my imaginations were getting progressively more and more alluring, seductive and enslaving; the temptations made my body literally shake. It felt like I was fighting with a monster within me, while it was just my brain and body trying desperately to get the dose.

    The only thing I gave promised to was NEVER TOUCH MYSELF. That means I allowed myself to open up the browser and look whatever P came to mind. I allowed my imagination to go wherever it wanted. Every time the attack was over I was proving my brain and body that O isn’t going to occur. I was rewiring my brain and teaching my body to live without the chemical addiction.

    I had very intense wet dreams almost every night. Sometimes I was really close to relapse due to the fact that being in the middle of half-asleep and half-awake it’s very hard to have any self-control. I was reaching to grab my penis, but as soon as I realized what I was doing, I remembered my promise and let go immediately. It was obvious to me that whatever experiences I had during the day, they were coming in my dreams at night.

    At this stage I took responsibility only for my hands when I was awake. I knew that over time everything from the subconscious mind will be aligned with what I experience during the day.


    MY NEW DEFINITION OF SEXUALITY

    Even though I was withstanding all the attacks in that first week of no MO, the significant change didn’t occur before I made another big step ahead in my development, which required a new paradigm about sexuality.

    The decision to restate my definition of sexuality was the best move I could make. I came up with this idea, because I could see how physical, materialistic and objectifying my imaginations were, and how they totally excluded the need of deep meaningful relationship along with the sexual closeness. I knew I had to act.

    I went back in the past and tried to reconnect with my innate need in sexuality. What I found was that my natural impulse for intimacy was based on the genuine interest to know the other being, to connect with it, to become one with it. I was attracted from the aesthetic and harmony in the person, starting with the facial features – the smile, the eyes; but also the impression from the behavior – was it a kind and gentle person in the first place. The attraction was going from, let say “up-down” direction.

    Contrary to that, the more I was sinking in the addiction of PMO, the more objectified the people became. At certain point I wasn’t seeing people anymore – I was seeing only parts of their bodies, which were capable to deliver impulses in me to get to O. All I was doing was extracting pleasure for myself. Even outside of P, in the real world – I became seeing women as parts, as organs that gave me erection – shameful experience. The direction of attraction was “down-up”. And sadly, in those years I would rarely get to see the “up” in true colour - a major reason why I left from so many potentially beautiful relationships.

    As I was reviewing and updating my definition of what a healthy sexuality is I asked myself: when I imagine doing anything sexual with anybody I was seeing on the screen or in my imagination, was I really connecting with these people on a deep level, or it was all about my own satisfaction; about extracting pleasure for myself? Was there any emotional connection at all or it was purely physical, animalistic urge that I was trying to satisfy?

    THE BREAKTHROUGH here I came when I understood that I was justifying a paradigm that was distorted, flawed, corrupted. It was a set of beliefs which weren’t even mine! Yes, I called them mine, but they were adopted from the social pathology, which exists in our world anyway. It exists, in my opinion, because we have forgotten how to really love each other. It goes even further back from my personal life, to the lives of my parents and how they were raised. And back to those who raised the people who raised my parents... Somewhere along the way we lost the ability to be in touch with ourselves. But let’s be clear – I am free of blame at anybody, regardless how far back I can go with my thoughts. The only thing that mattered to me was to break the vicious circle NOW. Only I had the power to change my beliefs, to change my approach, thus the way I reacted to the future sexual desires and actions I’d eventually involve myself in.

    So I established my new definition of sexuality based on the decision to use my ability to be sexually active in only one way: to deepen my emotional, mental and spiritual connection with the any human being, regardless of gender, which may one day come in my life.

    I simply refused to use my sexuality as a means of delivering pleasure to myself when I am single, but I went even further by stating that I will not use anybody merely to satisfy my sexual urges. The latter is a bold statement and I have no experience how well I can keep this promise I gave myself, since I’m single now. Wish me luck if I go in a relationship!

    Note: A very important part in my new old definition of my sexuality and its purpose in my life from now on, played the German author Erich Fromm. His book ‘The Art of Loving’ inspired me and also helped me remind myself what I had forgotten.


    BEYOND THAT POINT IN TIME
    I can say that from this moment on my story can add very little to understand better the PMO addiction. I say that because by then the hardest part for me was over. Looking back, I can see how much work I had done, how much I had realized and evolved, how much I had changed my beliefs, so I could now finally find peace from the constant attacks.

    I’m not saying that the attacks disappeared immediately, but I knew that no matter what comes ahead, I had a solid ground, on which I was standing and I was calmly inviting every urge to come and try me (which they did).

    To go over my experience briefly: there were still moments after the first week, in the first and even in the second month when I had strong urges to watch P and MO again, but they were becoming rarer. I never refused to dive into any urge that was visiting me, because I wanted to give it a chance. I knew that if I suppress it, it will grow in me and the resistance will create a collection of energy, which will emerge in some form. I also wanted to see what was driving me to visit a specific genre of P; I was exploring without interacting, only observing. As I was watching I was reminding myself of my new definition of sexuality and my body was immediately responding with relaxation and fading out of the erection.

    I noticed that the content of my interest changed from the hard-core twisted stuff to ever more softer and softer. I became interested in nude female images again, which were giving me the same strong impulses to MO that the hard-core P did before. I kept in mind that I could easily slip and relapse if I were to tell myself that these P-subs were harmless and it’s not a big deal to M on them – after all I liked what I was seeing. But my new def. of sexuality was here to guide me.

    What became obvious to me was that whatever was happening to me during the day was reflected in my dreams at night – I had wet dreams right after a day of beautiful women on the screen. That was the way for the subconscious mind to deal with the unprocessed and unrealized desires.
     
  8. Todor

    Todor Fapstronaut

    PART III. MY ANCHORS FOR SUCCESS

    • CONTEMPLATING
    • WRITING
    • BREATHING
    These are the 3 components, which had helped me be here, as I am today. From these three, the contemplating and the writing have been the irreplaceable tools I’ve been using to resolve the more complex issues that I couldn’t tackle simply with action, while the breathing has evolved from just a ‘one-breath a day’ practice to calm my restless mind when I was 21, to the most powerful transformational practice of my life.


    CONTEMPLATING
    I define the process of contemplating on any subject as sitting still, in a quiet environment and asking one question and staying with it; staying quietly until an answer comes up. The first answer that comes might be very obvious and lack depth. If I don’t feel satisfied, if I don’t feel like saying: ‘That’s it!’, then I would proceed further with the research.

    The most important question I’ve ever asked is ‘Why...?’ or ‘What is the reason...?’. This question reaches out far beyond anything else I can ask. ‘Why am I addicted? What was the reason this to happen? Why was I susceptible to this addiction? Why did my parents treat me like that? Why did that friend of mine introduce me to masturbation at such young age?’ It is not a question merely to find somebody or something to blame for the suffering I’m experiencing or have experienced. It is a research for the answers which help me understand, accept and forgive.

    The next very important question is ‘How?’ The power of this question is that it brings me back in time. By asking ‘How did it all start?’ I allow myself to go back to the specific moment when it all began and when I say specific I really mean it – using the mind to bring the image of the exact circumstances, the surrounding, the sensations, the smell, the temperature – everything possible. The mind is truly powerful tool. If asked firmly it will do the job and it will rebuild the image of that moment so vivid, that you can explore each detail in it.

    But answering these questions is not a fast and easy process. It takes time to do it; it requires specific conditions and certain maturity of the person. It took me many years before I was able to focus my mind well enough to actually analyze deeply my PMO problem. Exposed to P at the early age of 14 I certainly couldn’t do well at sitting in silence and pondering over such a big topic. Back then my mental capacity brought me to shallow conclusions about the cause of my addiction and wrong assumptions about my sexual orientation.

    The first time I can recall significant ability of critical thinking is at the age of 25. This is the first time I looked at my past from the perspective of an adult. It was the beginning of inquiry process of my development as a child and teenager, as well as how had my family and friends affected me in the growing up.

    Note to self: Just now I understand how hard it may be for most adolescents to be able to make sophisticated analysis of their experience from the age of 10, 12 or 14 when they are only 15-16 or even 20. It really takes time and maturity for this. But I dearly hope at least more of the young people have access to information and are better prepared for what they are running into than I was at their age!


    WRITING
    The power of writing is outstanding! This has been such a helpful tool in my life. I started writing in a diary in 2009, at the age of 25, basically at the same moment I started analyzing deeper my past. Since then I’ve never stopped writing. That is 9 years, 9 thick notepads – a pile of paper where all my worries, problems, struggles and deepest secrets about PMO/IMO have found space to be.

    Writing has helped me in 5 basic ways:

    - Release my mind from the stressful thoughts I couldn’t speak about;

    - Find solutions to problems that seemed impossible to resolve;

    - Get and keep in save place new insights on the subject investigated;

    - Make a visual plans/statements, which I could follow easier;

    - Kept track of my history and development through the years.

    One of the superpowers of writing is that it guides my mind to go forward in whatever I’m trying to sort out. What I mean by going forward is that by using the straight lines of the notepad my mind is gently forced to express whatever thoughts, ideas and worries there are, but once that is on paper, the usual pattern of slipping back and repeating over and over same things is broken. It is obvious that I’ve written certain idea down – I can see it, I remember I just wrote about it few minutes ago, so the only way for the mind to continue is to ‘look’ for something new, which hasn’t been said yet. It’s very much like inventing new stuff. It’s a creative process. I love it.

    It is important to be on paper! Why? – Because writing by hand is much slower process than writing on a computer and way slower than just thinking. The whole idea of writing by hand is to slow down the mind. By slowing down and making brief pauses, there is gap of time, where new insight can occur; a new perspective arises.

    Let me give you an example: have you had experience to visit one place by car, by bicycle and by walking? I have. What I’ve discovered is that while driving a car, I’m so focused on the road, I have to pay attention to the traffic, pedestrians, etc., I simply can’t see much from what’s around. Riding a bicycle is much nicer experience, but only when I walk I’m able to observe the surrounding in greatest detail, stop and examine, discover unseen things and remember the road. When I’ve written about PMO experiences in my diary, I could slow down, explore all the sensations, look for circumstances I was in and so on – very much like in a meditation.

    Note: Writing and analyzing mix well together. They are complementary.


    BREATHING
    Note: I use the word ‘breathing’ or ‘breath’ to express the voluntary act of fully focusing the attention of the mind on the sensation that arises from the natural or altered breathing act. This process can be done as part of mindfulness practice, Yogic breathing exercises or as a continuous activity throughout the day when the conditions allow.

    Breathing is truly magical. I can’t even tell you how magical it is. But if you’re willing to give it a try, it may change your life, like it changed mine.

    It is so powerful, that it not only helped me heal from the PMO addiction, but also enables me to realize in real time (most of the time) my fears, my bad habits, my negative thoughts, which are trying to sabotage everything I dare to dream of. Due to this practice I now accept myself and my reactions. Regardless of what comes up along the way; regardless if I feel scared, or tense, or uncomfortable or if I raise my voice to someone – that doesn’t make me lose hope, nor it makes me a bad person. I just know I’ll manage every problem I’m faced with and no matter how bad I fall – no more self-pity, no more self-punishment. I see the flaws of my character, I register my thoughts, emotions and feelings and I face them with acceptance and understanding. Whatever I can’t control yet and say something bad to someone, then I am willing to look at my behavior through the other tools I have and get ready to be present next time I’m faced with the similar situation. This is how I grow each day and I love it.

    Note: To get to this point I really worked a lot and used a lot of writing and analyzing, but I give most credit to the conscious breathing practice.


    HOW DO I PRACTICE IT IN MY DAY?

    The beauty of the breathing practice is in its simplicity. And because of this it can be performed in so many situations, almost anytime, with no prerequisite. You can take it anywhere you go.

    I, personally, have turned it into a constant practice in my day. Whenever I have a free minute – waiting on a line, in traffic or simply resting on the couch, instead of thinking of anything, I just bring my attention to the breath. When I talk with friends, instead of thinking how to respond, I come to the sensation of the breath and I can listen more attentively and remain calm. Not only this practice isn’t hard work, but also it has become the natural state of existence for me, which nobody can see I’m in. People around me just see the benefits – the calm, the kindness, the focus, my humor becomes witty and many more.

    There are so many ways to practice conscious breathing and they all work the same way. For me, I have found that the easiest and most empowering way is focusing on the sensation I get on the end of the nose, on the inner side of the nostrils. I focus on the cooling effect it creates when the air comes in and the warmer air or the gentle tickling on the exhale.

    As I teach myself to know where my attention is pointed, whenever I notice my attention isn’t on the nose, I immediately ask myself: ‘Where is it now?’ In 99% of the cases I find engaged with a thought, which has visited my mind. Some thoughts just take my attention on a journey to the state of wandering/daydreaming, but others have a impulse of action – like the thought: ‘Let’s go for 5 minutes of funny cats!’. These are considered as normal and harmless thoughts, but they pave the way for the others that are much more violent, like PMO cravings. Yet they all act the same way – by stealing the attention from the person.

    As I look back, the first time I noticed I’m implementing the breathing as a way of grounding myself in difficult situations was in the summer of 2017. I was working a stressful job, which required my full concentration and often decision-making which determined the well-being of many people I cared about. Sometimes I had to take decisions within seconds. I clearly remember that in the most critical situations I was intuitively knowing that I have to come to my breath, to my nose and this is what was giving me the ability to take rational decisions. In the past, in similar situations I used to panic and totally lose the ability to go in the right direction.

    Now the calm state of mind is available to me through breathing.


    HOW DOES BREATHING WORK ON PMO ADDICTION?
    The great value of the breathing practice isn’t seen in the moments when everything is calm around you – this is the time to rehearse. The real moment when the breathing makes the whole difference is in the most difficult situations you can walk into, like the craving of PMO.

    The true power of breathing consciously comes once you’ve made the practice a voluntary act (with training) and you are able to tell where you attention is at any given moment. When you achieve this, you now have the tool that can interrupt the impulse of PMO by shifting the attention away from it, back to the breath, back to calm state of existence, back to sanity.

    To know where your attention is and to be able to choose where to point it, is the highest level of self-control I know. It is not in suppressing the impulse, but realizing it, being able to see it and not let your attention goes completely after it.
    --------------------------------
    The urge from the PMO/IMO addiction is a thought just like any other thought with the only difference that the thought about P has much, much greater pull towards action.

    I see PMO urges very much like the energy of anger – they both come suddenly and unexpected; with big intensity – like a bomb that goes off. So catching the right moment to act is vital. Once the hand is on the genitals, going to a calm state of mind is virtually impossible. (See link of great explanation how to deal with anger by Eckhart Tolle. Just change ‘anger’ with ‘PMO’ and listen carefully.)


    SUGGESTIONS FOR A WELL-BALANCED START
    If you’re just learning about this practice now and want to give it a try, here is my suggestion: start small. I find it’s absolutely enough to begin with just one single full cycle of inhale and exhale. I’m totally serious. One single breath cycle, but fully focused on it. Observe the sensation intensely. TRY IT NOW! Take a deep breath in, hold it for a couple of seconds, exhale fully. Now, do you see the difference? Of course not! It’s not going to happen immediately!!! It takes time and practice. But these 10 seconds can lead to a massive change after a short while.

    I dare you – take the challenge for 2 weeks to follow 5 complete breath cycles with you full attention, once in the morning and once – before bed. This is not going to take more than a minute, but it may change a lot.

    If you decide to start with 20, 10 or even 5 minutes and you have no previous experience, what is most likely to happen is you’ll find yourself thinking of something completely different after just a minute in the practice and after a few trials like that, you may conclude you’re not good at this, it’s never going to work out and you’ll just leave it, leaving all the possible benefits from it.

    Start small! During the day - if you remember about the practice – do full breath. Have a spare minute in the afternoon? – Do one more.

    REMEMBER! The mind will do anything to stop you practicing! It will give you all kind of reasons, from ‘This is bulls**t’, to ‘This is ridiculous; a total waste of time’ and so on. Why is it doing it? Because the state you bring your mind into is totally new to it and it doesn’t like it. It doesn’t like it because it doesn’t have control there. The job of the mind is to be busy and anything that makes it calm is like crime against it. And it will protect itself vigorously. You’ll then have to take a wise decision whether to continue what you do or...


    EMERGENCY RELAPSE PREVENTION TECHNIQUE
    If I was starting just now my journey towards becoming free from the addiction of PMO, my Emergency Relapse Prevention Technique would be the thought: ‘COME BACK TO THE BREATH’. This is a powerful anti-trigger to the PMO impulse. It aims to pull the attention from the thought that arises from the urge to PMO and regains the ability of self-control, self-awareness and calm decision-making, which has been developed during times of practicing breathing in calm situations.


    WHY SHOULD YOU TRUST ME?
    There is so much information you can find about the benefits of practicing breathing (mindfulness of breath). If you look online you’ll be overloaded with scientific researches, yoga and spiritual web-sites, vlogs and blogs, which all report similar positive effects from this practice.

    But if you’re like me, even after reading, watching and listening to the bold statements, you’ll be still kind of skeptical – is it really so magical as they claim? I completely understand you!

    And if you’re like me, then you’ll probably trust more at somebody who you can relate to, somebody who’s story reminds you of what you’re going through and somebody you can contact and get a reply from. Some average human being, not any different from you.

    Actually, you don’t even have to trust me, because I’m not offering a philosophy to be taken for granted. I’m suggesting a PRACTICE, which can only be tried out and understood personally.
    -------------------------
    The good news is the three tools I suggested above are available to anyone, free of charge and only with beneficial effects.

    I invite you to give them a try.
     
  9. Todor

    Todor Fapstronaut

    PART IV. ADDITIONAL INFO


    HOW DO I FEEL AFTER QUITTING PMO?
    I feel clean. My life is clean. I no longer have to lock myself and separate from my family, friends, anybody. I can let the door opened, unlocked, because I’m not scared that somebody will catch me in a moment I’m comfortable with.

    I feel like that kid a 5, which is natural, joyful, experiencing the world directly, without fear and worry. But now I have much more sophisticated mind, which also helps me take wise decisions, so I don’t end up (always) doing something childish.

    My sexuality is no longer in the way of my happiness. I’m single, but that’s fine with me. I no longer have the need to be with somebody at all costs. I’m not hunting when I go out, but I enjoy every communication I go into. Now, since I don’t objectify people, I can approach everybody open-minded, clear and clean in my intentions.

    I can enjoy going anywhere without the need to be with somebody. I can go hiking just by myself and completely enjoy the nature, without MO somewhere in the woods as I before. Yes, I was doing it.

    Before I quit PMO was feeling alone, now I enjoy the solitude.

    But don’t get me wrong – I love women, I love beauty. I’m attracted to women naturally, but that’s not a problem, because I don’t let this part of my being to take over and control my actions. I just don’t feel embarrassed that I’m attracted to a certain woman, it’s completely fine. My imagination is pure and I have not dirty stuff in the back of my head, which interfere with my ability to be present and cheerful.

    My energy is very balanced and seems endless. Now I can achieve so much more and I have much more stamina.

    I feel that my self-confidence has increased a lot, as well as my self-respect and dignity.
    -----
    There are many more benefits I can tell you, which are also reported by the members of the NoFap Community. I will not spend time repeating the what has been also said – it is all true.

    There is just one benefit for me that stands out above all others and I’m super excited to tell you about it – it is the freedom that you get. I’ve never known how good it feels to be independent from the cravings and the impulses; to exist in total peace and tranquility; to enjoy life to the fullest, free of secrets, fee of fears, cookies and malicious software.

    My real life begins today!

    I am thankful from the bottom of my heart to the WHOLE UNIVERSE for the gift of freedom!!!


    WHAT DID PMO TEACH ME
    Although I used to blame the PMO addiction for so much of the suffering and pain in my life, my understanding has shifted dramatically in the last months. I’ve realized that the PMO is merely a coping mechanism; a way for the fragile child I was to escape from pain it couldn’t bear.

    - The PMO addiction taught me how much pain and suffering one human being can experience from the total identification with a wrong thought and wrong beliefs about him/her-self.

    - It gave me understanding, empathy and acceptance to everybody who is suffering from any kind of addiction, so I cannot judge anybody anymore.

    - It surely had helped me develop more analytical mind and ability to look into myself, which helped me raise my self-awareness and know myself.

    - How else would I know the taste of freedom if I had never been a slave?



    OPENING UP FOR THE WORLD
    I’ve decided to take this bold step of sharing my darkest and most shameful secrets with the world, for two main reasons:

    1. This is the final step for my complete healing. As I open myself up for the world unafraid of being exposed, I’m finally facing all my fears of my secrets revealed. Beyond that point I am invincible. I am ready to meet everybody in this world, who want to criticize me, reject me, put shame on me, condemn me for what I’ve gone through... and regardless of all that, I remain untouched.

    2. I’ve decided to take this bold step, because I want you to know that you are not the only one going through this. It’s simply a human condition caused by the circumstances we were raised in and it has nothing to do with our true selves. Beyond the addiction, beyond the pain and the need of love, we are all marvelous human beings.


    STAY WITH THE DISCOMFORT
    Stress, anxiety, boredom, bad mood, self-loathing, hard times, misery, lack of sleep, avoiding thing I have to get on/stay with – I was consistently self-medicating myself with P/MO when I was facing with these difficulties. But I can assure you – this is not the way to happiness; this is the way to hell.

    When you start the attempt to detach yourself from the PMO, your mind will allure you to take the drug, especially if you face a hard time. But listen to me – stay with the discomfort no matter how hard it is. It’s worth every time you restrain to give in.


    MY APPROACH TO THE PMO CRAVINGS
    My approach now is to stay present to what comes in my head as thoughts and impulses. I have taught myself to stay with the discomfort created by the urge and explore it. Instead of giving in to the impulse to PMO I register it and I become highly alert; I become present. I sense the change in my body – the blood pressure rising, the anxiety rising, the energy concentrating in the area of my genitals and the impulse to do something – either open a link, open up a web-site and start M.

    In the moment of the arising of the urge I pull my attention towards the awareness of the breathing, which I’ve developed through practice. That is what enables me to slow down my actions in the moment of explosive attack. A few moments after I regain my self-awareness I am also free to follow the link which initially triggered my reaction, but this time fully in control. When I open the actual web-site, not that I don’t get an erection – the erection comes, but I am witnessing all that from a higher point of observation. And I would stay like that, watching the video, exploring the sensations, not denying anything that happens, but not engaging in MO. In most occasions after some time my erection would fade out and my brain would receive a message: this trigger doesn’t work anymore. In a few instances I had to search for the underlying cause of my urge. As soon as I identified when and how it first started, the energy of the trigger dissipated. That’s what I do.


    NoFap AS A WAY OF LIVING
    I don’t expect to get to a state where there will be no more attacks. My goal is not a specific date or a streak. I don’t look into the future and I don’t dream to get to a certain day, when I expect to be magically free.

    The attacks are coming now and only now, so I need to be available now. I need to be present to what comes in my mind at this very moment. If I believe that after one or two years of restrain I’ll be free, but haven’t understood what causes my addiction, it is likely that I will fail when I’m faced with the temptation again.

    Nobody is protected from seeing sexual content in our modern world anymore. The world is full of it – on the TV, Internet, newspapers and magazines, billboards – there is no way to escape the moment when we’ll see a naked body which may trigger the urges. Living in constant awareness of what is going on in my body and my mind is a responsibility which is entirely mine.


    ACTION STEPS
    Here are a few thing I suggest for you to add to your daily routine which, can have beneficial effect with the healing from the PMO addiction:

    - Start a diary - write as much as possible, even though it might look silly
    - Find time to be with yourself and explore your past
    - Learn about mindfulness and start and continue practicing it along with the no PMO streak
    - Watch and read the next section (RESOURCES) with helpful information to get to know better the cause of the addiction
    - Give a little acceptance to yourself even though you may think you don’t deserve it. Don’t hate yourself for what you do, don’t hate the P, because the more you hate it, the more it’s pulling you towards it.
    - Stay comfortable with uncomfortable
    - Dream about the freedom and know you have the right to be free
    - Write me a message – I’m willing to hear you and do my best to help you


    CLOSING WORDS

    This material represents the work of my life. On one level it is about the topic of sexuality, which has been the most problematic in my personal life, but on a deeper level it is an attempt to go beyond this topic and find the root causes of all the pain and suffering we experience as humankind. Ultimately, it is a quest for the way to freedom.
    I wish you strength in your journey to and I want you to know:
    FREEDOM IS POSSIBLE – I AM THE PROOF!
     
  10. Todor

    Todor Fapstronaut

    RESOURCES



    ANTI-HOMOPHOBIC

    A gay couple social experiment in Spain

    Same Sex Couple Discrimination + Lesbian Couple's Baby Registry WWYD


    Son comes out to Mormon family WWYD


    Pastor Prays The Gay Out Of Teen WWYD




    BYRON KATIE

    http://thework.com/en

    The Work: The Power of Self-Inquiry, Byron Katie, Wisdom 2.0 2016


    Byron Katie Oprah Soul Series Interview part https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDsMYPjp8BY

    Your Inner Awakening (6 hours of wisdom) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dF6jvNtlL0U&t=2133s

    Mindfulness & Self-Inquiry, Byron Katie, Jon Kabat-Zinn Wisdom 2.0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8CgNlQ1zYg

    He Lied To Me—Is It True? The Work of Byron Katie https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bP_xX1CacEM

    No One Can Hurt Me, That’s My Job—The Work of Byron Katie https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYAHaCjBSIo

    I'm Afraid of Trump—The Work of Byron Katie https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulOFJB0AfLo

    I Want Mom to Be Happy—The Work of Byron Katie https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhFdeWLjf5k

    That Thing You Feel So Guilty Over—The Work of Byron Katie https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8WzV0u3T-g&t=0s

    The Cost of Seeking Approval—The Work of Byron Katie https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iur3eWKynqE



    ECKHART TOLLE

    - Book: The Power of Now

    -Eckhart Tolle Conscious Breath Exercise YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qHkXrFkQ8s

    -Wisdom In Daily Life https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RofybYVNCe4

    - Staying Present https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sKKubwN4vM

    - How To Stop Bad Habits Addictions (Addiction to Overthinking) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPZ5kEd8RPQ

    - The End Of Suffering https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Deq_1lg9Dlo

    - Eckhart Tolle Reveals How to Silence Voices in Your Head https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnZ83CSVWF8

    - Dealing With Anger, Resistance And Pessimism - I just tried to substitute ‘ANGER’ with ‘PMO’ and it makes so much sense to me. The whole video is amazing, but most important part to listen to is from min 3:53 to 8:47 as Eckhart suggests a practice, which if successfully applied alone, would give full control over the anger and I know personally it applies to the PMO impulse the exact same way. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqX5IFKYFWk

    - I’m Aware Of Fear That Is Almost Continually In Me https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4os0IxmGv8

    - The Best Eckhart Tolle Talk (1 hr 30 min) Power of Now, A New Earth https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VvBzsUesQ68

    - What Is My Responsibility? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DgPaoObetE



    MINDFULNESS (OF BREATH)

    - Mindfulness or Presence – these two terms are synonyms to me, even though they came from different authors and different teachings. ‘Mindfulness’ has been coined by John Kabat-Zinn and ‘Presence’ is used by Eckart Tolle. Both represent the idea of observing ourselves – our bodies, emotions and thoughts – and by being mindful or present – to be non-reactive to impulses like the urge of PMO.

    -The Long Journey to Becoming '10% Happier' Dan Harris https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4sXBEfIXUno&list=FL4q9TiJmRs52Z4Pc0eYaZkQ&index=19

    -The Power of Mindfulness: What You Practice Grows Stronger | Shauna Shapiro | TEDxWashingtonSquare https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IeblJdB2-Vo

    - "Does Mindfulness Really Work?" With Daniel Goleman and Richard Davidson https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBg2i7ZsXgk&t=723s

    -Short Compilation on Mindfulness (kind of introduction to the practice) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMxekI3tUrg

    - Settle Down, Pay Attention, Say Thank You: A How-To: Kristen Race at TEDxMileHighWomen https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Awd0kgxcZws

    -30 seconds to mindfulness, Phil Boissiere, TEDxNaperville https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ad7HqXEc2Sc

    -A 42 min. long movie on Mindfulness and its effect on people with health issues (with John Kabat-Zinn); this video basically wraps up my whole philosophy and experience with mindfulness. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sy0lAFemwLY

    - Come back to the breath –https://www.wildmind.org/mindfulness/introduction/background

    - ‘Breathe to Heal’ by Max Strom TEDxCapeMay– a sophisticated explanation of the importance of the intentional breathing exercises (breath work) on mental and physical health. Top quality talk! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Lb5L-VEm34

    - Breathing happiness | Emma Seppälä | TEDxSacramento https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uvli7NBUfY4

    - Next Generation Mindfulness: Reaching Across Ages and Sectors Jewel https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLZumNgcJ9A&list=FL4q9TiJmRs52Z4Pc0eYaZkQ&index=2

    - The Role of Mindfulness in Healing and Resilience, Jewel, Wisdom 2.0 2017 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvhMIBKzZt8

    - Pay attention: you can change your brain | Kitty Chisholm | TEDxLondonBusinessSchool https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCSS4f2beDY



    INSPIRATIONAL

    - Know your inner saboteurs: Shirzad Chamine at TEDxStanford, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zdJ1ubvoXs

    - Mind Control: How to win the war in your head, Owen Fitzpatrick TEDxTallaght https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBwQZv3_OXE

    - There Is No App For Happiness by Max Strom TEDxKC, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFjdog-ne9A

    - The secret to self control, Jonathan Bricker, TEDxRainier https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTb3d5cjSFI&t=2s

    - The Real Jim Carrey, YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsQJyKhmqkQ

    - The power of writing https://www.goalcast.com/2017/05/22/power-writing-heal-improve/



    HEALING AND FORGIVENESS

    - Pornography Isn't Your Problem, Jason Mahr, TEDxCincinnati https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIgWMzdgweI

    - On healing and forgiveness, Dolph Lundgren, TEDx Fulbright https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iNOE0dZpHcY

    - Forgiveness in an Age of Anger, Brant Hansen, TEDxHarrisburg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Rh8uywILZk

    - The power of forgiveness | Sammy Rangel | TEDxDanubia https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOzJO6HRIuA





    SCIENTIFIC/EDUCATIONAL

    - The Cycle of Sexual Addiction https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGeOeISnb6M

    - The great porn experiment, by Gary Wilson, TEDxGlasgow –https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU

    - Your Brain on Porn, a must watch video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oFVOJf0TzY

    - Mindfulness: A Vital Part of Sex Addiction Treatment and Recovery https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1PY65xChPHw

    - Mindfulness, The Most Effective Treatment For Addictions: A Masterclass with Dr Judson Brewer https://mrsmindfulness.com/mindfuln...dictions-a-masterclass-with-dr-judson-brewer/

    - The Science Behind Mindfulness Meditation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTA0j8FfCvs&t=0s
     
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2018
  11. Brother This really best story....u r fighting champ man.....i read thiss story really great.....u hardpays off...i respect u...and inspiration thnxx for this great story bro:D
     
    MusicMan505, Freeddom_Taker and Todor like this.
  12. Todor

    Todor Fapstronaut

    Fellows, I just talked with my parents and told them eeeeeeeeeeeeevrything that I went through. I feel sooooo relieved, can't even tell you. I've got no more secrets to them; I'm connected again. We all cried.
     
  13. TIMMY0110

    TIMMY0110 Fapstronaut

    Read your whole story except the part 1 (becoz of the trigger warnings). Great story.....Good Luck
     
  14. Leon007

    Leon007 New Fapstronaut

    2
    5
    3
    This is one of the most beautiful reads i have ever experienced! thank you so much, i feel like i know you, i can identify with a lot of what you have said 100 percent especially the part about eliminating and letting go of visions and memories in your mind of sexual encouters from the past! seriously thank you for this, your a good man with a good heart. I can only wish you well on your continued journey! big love :)
     
  15. Good going pal! I liked your story and it was just amazing! I liked your writing and the quality of the words. How did you write this long one. Is it the power of practice?
     
    Todor likes this.
  16. Immature

    Immature Fapstronaut

    Do you still do this?

    I liked almost everything you wrote, but this sounds like a risky activity. For myself, I know that once I spend any more than a few seconds looking at porn, I'm going to relapse.
     
  17. EliasGreen

    EliasGreen Fapstronaut

    10
    50
    13
    I literally just created an account to say that I'm happy for you! Your story really touched me and to see how you can reflect really inspired me! Keep on going! And don't listen to people who are trying to convince you that PMO is okay. Just keep going!

    Best regards from Germany!
     
    MusicMan505, Freeddom_Taker and Todor like this.
  18. Todor

    Todor Fapstronaut

    I gave everything I had inside me to create this thread (material). I knew I'm going to write it in the moment I first realized I have found my way out of PMO, on the 28-th of Dec, 2017. (By the way, just a couple of days before that I found the NoFap community.)

    I'm passionate to share my experience because of the impact that it has on my life. And I'm so grateful I get comments like yours, Elias! This shows me my honesty can reach the hearts of the other - this is such a great gift!

    I'm here to serve!

    p.s. Ich liebe Deutschland!:)
    Liebe Grüße,

    Todor
     
  19. Todor

    Todor Fapstronaut

    Thank you for your words, Praveen! The story took time to come out - it was a long process of letting it emerge. Life gave me enough time to focus solely on it and make it the way it look likes. Hope you can benefit from it!

    Love,
    Todor
     

Share This Page