FREEDOM IS POSSIBLE - I AM THE PROOF

Fellows, it's time to recap Year 2018.

I consider my journey with PMO to be now over as I'm about to reach 365 days free from the addiction. Not only am I free by the number of calendar days, but also I don't feel any urges to go online and PMO anymore. I'm just not attracted to that idea. I have all the opportunities to do it - Internet access, privacy, free time, but I'm chill the way I am right now.


RECAP YEAR 2018 (ONE YEAR PMO-FREE)

In 2018 I've been through a lot of emotional ups and downs, not much related to PMO directly. There were only a few times when I faced intense urges, but I survived them.

The facts important to be mentioned are:

= SLEEP - I found out that sleep is very much related to how I feel about MO. The less sleep I got, the more intense the urges to MO were, especially as first thing in the morning. I found a scientific proof of that in one lecture, here's a link (Skip directly to 6:23 where the important stuff starts):
So, in my case, it really is like the scientific data shows - when I was getting enough sleep, I was feeling way stronger in my ability to focus, to control myself and to be present. In fact, right before I quit PMO, I was sleeping about 10 hours and I was doing mindfulness meditation, so I guess that helped really a lot. It is also important to go in bed in a reasonable time. I know that it is tempting to stay up until 2-3 am, but the quality sleep we get only if we go to bed not later than 11 pm. Every time I've had taken the decision to stay late, even though I enjoyed it, I dearly regretted it in the morning.


= ADDICTION TO THE PAST

In 2018 I had to revise the way I look back at my past relationships with girls and one in particular, to which I was so stuck with, that even though I had quit PMO, I came back to MO and fantasy-MO using old images in my head of a time long gone. The experiences that I had with that ex-gf of mine were pulling me back. She appeared many times in my sleep and I realized I had a problem on a very deep level, on a subconscious level. So I did a lot of "let go" meditations and I released her image from my head, from my being. I can tell you in more details how I did it, so it doesn't sound to superficial or fancy to you: I sit back in a chair, in a quiet room, undisturbed, eyes closed, taking deep breaths and then mentally going back to that time when I was with her, which was my trigger to MO. At that moment, when I imagined vividly the past, as it was happening in the present moment, I changed the scene in my head by mentally saying to her: "I'm going now. We are separating. We are no longer together. It's all over. I don't want to do this anymore and I'm letting you go from me as well." Then I imagine how we physically separate, our bodies separate and as there are a few meters between us, I feel myself as me, as a separate being, without the urges, without the need to be with her.

As I came out of this meditation/visualization I cried a lot. I cried over something that happened over 13 years ago, but I never let myself grief on our separation at that time. That night I had a weird dream in which a sad girl that was trapped in my home turned into a cat and then, as I was holding the cat gently, it died in my hands. The soul of the cat wanted to leave and it did go through me, through my legs and through there it released my body and merged with God. It was such a powerful message to me.

= SOCIAL ANXIETY

I've been having social anxiety since my childhood, because of traumas at very young age. I had a mild for of dyslexia as a kid, which the teacher didn't know about, but I knew that when I read out loud I'm making a lot of mistakes. My schoolmates were very "helpful" correcting everything I was saying wrong, so I quickly realized that I'm being exposed to criticism from all sides of the school room - right there I started to feel the world as a threatening place. I was only 11 years old.

Another traumatic event that never took place, except in my head, was a school performance, which I escaped from two hours before the event, which was supposed to be a 2 min. easy song, which I was playing on a keyboard synthesizer while two girls of my class were singing. I used to do one stupid mistake at the end of the song, which I considered as unacceptable and humiliating. I got so scared that everybody (about 100 parents of kids) will look at me, laugh or mock me about that mistake, that I just run home and locked myself in my room.

The third event was a rejection from a girl at age of around 13 and public humiliation from my schoolmates, judging my awkward dealing with that girl. It got me so traumatized that I did not allow myself to show interest to girls for many years, although I had opportunities. The thought that I'm unworthy of a relationship with a girl pushed me towards P and soon towards gay content, with which I justified my inability to get girls - such a wrong path!

These three events at age 11-13 established a serious anxiety issue of public performance, which in 2018 I've finally understood. I'm now in the process of facing my fears of failing to satisfy the expectations of the others and be fine with that. To get to this moment I got a lot of help from a YouTuber called Sasha Daygame. In his face, in his approach to women and people in general, I saw who I really am, who I really can be, if I am naturally me. His video of "Social Freedom" helped me tremendously to see that life can be fun and rejection is not a problem until you decide it is. Here's a few links to his channel:
- https://www.youtube.com/user/Sashathepua - official channel
- - powerful video to show how our own beliefs stops us from being who we can be and experience true connection with the others
- - Social Freedom

The first time I watched "Social Freedom" video I got very depressed, because I thought I'm never going to be able to act like that in real life. I thought that's simply impossible. But I decided that I'm just going to be kind in real life and talk to strangers whenever I feel it's fine to do it. Just starting a small-talk conversations when I go to the shop, when I go to the post office. And in no time I felt like my boundaries are breaking down. There was one beautiful girl that I had the desire to talk to, not necessarily to get her on a date, but just to talk to her and I had something to say, but then I felt that if I say it I might look awkward and be rejected by her and by the people on the line waiting. A that moment I felt the rush of adrenaline in my head, in my body; my heart started racing. And for a moment I said to myself that I won't say anything to her, I'll just do what I'm used to do to protect myself from humiliation, but then I remembered about Sasha and I simply let myself say the comment that I wanted to make. It went as a nice conversation and for the first time in years I was talking to a beautiful girl which I didn't know before. I wasn't pushing anything, I was just naturally me. Such a wonderful experience.

In 2018, before I got to know Sasha, I had terrible panic attacks as I was trying to build something on the street in front of my house, while people were walking by, watching me. I could feel I've been observed, I've been watched by so many people and from the neighbors through their windows. It was so terrifying, because I wasn't achieving what I wanted to do, so I spent a few hours re-thinking, re-planning and re-creating that simple woodwork. It was so intense, I can't even describe it. And now I'm sure it is due to those 3 events that happened in my childhood. Fortunately, I met Sasha, who inspired me to get out of my head, stop trusting that negative narrator in my head, who was telling me that I'm being watched and everybody's laughing at me. Now I'm much more opened to put myself into situations where I can look awkward, but that doesn't mean I'm less worthy of respect and I'm a stupid person.


CONCLUSION

There are models of behavior that we all have adopted at very young age, in order to cope with the traumatic events we were exposed to. As we grew up, some mild traumas could have got resolved without our conscious intervention - due to supportive parents, partners or luck in life; or we still carry the traumas in us without realizing them. As long as they are not too severe, they don't bother us too much, so we don't take any actions to improve.

But most of us, especially the people who got addicted to P or substances, could never make the transition form childhood to adulthood in a healthy way, because the traumas were too severe. We got stuck in the unhealthy repetitive models of behavior, which we reinforced over and over again, thus making it a deeply ingrained habits. Even as adults, we still act like the kids we used to be. We repeat the vicious cycle, because we don't know any better way. This is really sad.

Fortunately, the suffering is not only a bad thing, but it serves the wonderful purpose to make us awaken. In fact, the greater the intensity of the suffering, the greater the opportunity to wake up and realize the roots of the pain. The discomfort makes you more curious; it makes you search, look deeper, look closer, analyze, contemplate and ultimately understand. The moment you understand, you become free.

That's all I know so far.
God bless!

 

To all of you, who left a comment here: guys, I can't express my gratitude well enough on the feedback that you have given me! I am so humbled and deeply touched! I thank God for giving me this wonderful gift of freedom, which I can talk about with you now and I wish so dearly to be able to spread around.

I wrote my story with so much care and truthfulness over a period of 4 intensive weeks of daily writing and editing. I took everything that was in me and put it into words. It is really the most genuine story I have ever written about myself.

Some of your comments have brought tears of joy in my eyes, because my story has helped you heal, if only a bit. That is the best present for me and I could not ask for more.

Thank you, guys, really!

I wish you not only to become free from the addiction, but to become free sooner, because I don't simply believe it is possible, I know it is and it will become your reality! I'm 100% sure of that!

Have a successful New Year 2019!
Todor