From Chastity and Fantasies of Cuckolding back to Vanilla?

Hello my friends. A little about myself...

I am in my late 30's, married to a wonderful wife for almost 13 years and I have two daughters.

I recently had the epiphany that I am addicted to pornography. I have known it has been an "issue" for a while but it finally made the transition to "problem".

My relationship with my wife started amidst a lot of drama that I don't have the energy to get into. She was in an adulterous and abusive relationship and I removed her from it with my charm and dashing good looks...oh and I'm almost a decade her junior.

Porn was never really something that we were concerned about. It was an occasional way to spice up our romance or a way to pass some time when I was bored.

When things started we could both be considered pretty vanilla. Things progressed.

I am naturally submissive. The age difference I suppose added to that. My wife is not really into D/s very much but if I had to label her natural preference it would also be submissive. She would humor me.

At one point we got into Male Chastity, tease and denial, and orgasm control. We did this partially as a kink, but also as a way to try to balance our libidos...mine being very high, hers very low. We had a lot of fun with this, but as anyone who has participated knows, the mood swings are aplenty and sometimes you just drop it, not to pick it up again until months later.

So we did this for a while...and it morphed into us starting a blog...then a sex toy review website that we ran for about 2 years until boredom made us shut it down.

It was during all this that my porn use increased. When you are teased and denied, it gives you an intense high that makes you obsess about sex. Without the release, you don't come down, which really messes with your mind. Sometimes I would be permitted to masturbate without orgasm, other times I would not be allowed, but I would watch it to turn myself on.

Then between cycles, when orgasm was permitted, I would use porn to get off. Frequency would vary. Sometimes once a week. Sometimes every day. Just depended on the mood. I would not hide it. Often I would be lying in bed next to her. I would make sure she didn't mind...and away I went.

We got further and further apart in terms of kinks. As the porn use increased, the nature of the porn did as well. Cuckolding, which was not a desire whatsoever when we started chastity, became an obsession for me. I would ask my wife to talk about it during sex and I would seek out porn where if I squinted, or didn't see the woman's face, it could possibly be my wife. I knew the cuckolding fantasy bothered her, and I tried to let it go but I could not. It got to the point it was almost required for me to get off.

Last week she confessed to me that she had a fantasy about vanilla sex with a colleague. Instead of making me jealous, the sex we had gave me the biggest rush I had ever had. I did not orgasm because we had started our first denial session in a long time. It was amazing...it also made me realize I might have a problem.

We discussed things and the next week things escalated. We opened old wounds and in the end, I found myself struggling with what would be my ultimate taboo...being turned on by thoughts of my wife and her ex (who I hate more passionately than anyone else on the planet).

We decided to take this thing to the limit and see what happened. She told me stories of some of their sexual encounters while we were lying in bed with the intentions of me masturbating. I couldn't do it. I was kind of relieved to be honest. At least I have a limit. However I have replayed her stories in my mind since.

Anyway, all of this led to her talking to her counselor about it and getting me a referral for a sex therapist.

I am not going to blame all of this on porn but I do know that it was a huge contributing factor. I long for more pure sexual encounters where I can get off naturally without the guilt and self loathing after.

So here I am.

I have not watched porn since Feb 14th (how romantic). I have no intentions of watching it ever again.

 

Thanks everyone. The main struggle for me has been filling my sex crazed brain with other thoughts now that I’m not allowing myself to obsess about sex.

The positive effects so far have been lack of the brain fog that I had been in so often, and easier and harder erections. I had some borderline ED going on and I though age was to blame. I know now that it was just that the poor guy (and more importantly my brain) were just tuckered out.

I’m not ready to give up sex for any length of time. We are holding back until therapy guides us but we aren’t abstaining. So far once a week or so seems like a good compromise.

However with the plentiful erections and not so plentiful orgasms, I’m struggling with blue balls something awful.

 

No P no M for me right now. Having done the chastity thing quite a lot I am very in charge of the mental. Will power is not a problem. It is the physical and chemical I need to fix. The sex that we do have I’m working on it being focused more on emotional than physical...and no mind drifting.

 

Progress!

We had planned intercourse last night.

It had been 6 days since my last orgasm. That encounter had been started with intercourse and after her orgasm, I used my hand. It took a long time and it required reminiscing about some of our exciting sexual encounters from the past. At least it was us and not me being cuckolded.

This time I was able to stay completely in the present. We were both tired and things were not hot and heavy, just slow and loving. I came during/immediately after her third orgasm. To be able to cum inside her and when she is still “in the zone” was a huge relief and I think a confidence boost for us both. Now I’m anticipating less pressure and more natural feelings.

Next time I would really like an orgasm that isn’t painful. These natural erections that I’m getting throughout the day now are probably the culprit. I’m sure my body will adjust.

 

That I don’t know. What I do know is that porn addiction has made it difficult for me.

I am also below average in size so I’m sure that doesn’t help.

 

So when doing tease and denial, I think it is a combination of edging and backing off so many times, the built up pressure and amount of semen, and the body not experiencing an orgasm for an extended period that when it does finally cum, it is overwhelming. The longest I ever went was around 60 days and it hurt like hell. I’ve found that cycles as short as 6 days give me pain.

I was actually suprised by the pain of this one because for the most part we were hands off. But ever since I quit the porn and put my heart and soul back into cherishing my wife, I have been getting much more frequent erections which may have contributed.

It honestly seems like it has been longer than 17 days. That number disappoints me but it is what it is.

 

No problem.

Has your husband delved into cuckold porn? How does the thoughts of you with someone else affect your dynamic? Is it something you are ok with or something he is trying to let go of?

 

So I went for therapy intake. It went ok. My wife was there. The therapist recommended supplements for the chemical imbalance and to keep on doing what we are doing.

i have noticed a severe lack of closeness with my wife over the last couple days (since I went to therapy). She says that she blamed herself all these years for her sex drive not being as high as mine and for her not being into the things that I am into and now that she realizes that it wasn’t all her and that I had a problem she is upset. I feel like all of the blame for everything has now been shifted to me and that definitely isn’t what I need right now. I’m doing everything I can to make amends and to heal and now I’m being blamed. This couldn’t have come up when I was lying next to her masturbating to porn so many nights because she couldn’t be bothered. It couldn’t have been an issue when I would tell her that I was worried that I was becoming a sexual deviant and I didn’t know why. When I hated myself every time I had an orgasm. Now is a better time for it to be an issue.

I’m just so upset and pissed right now, I just need to go to sleep.

 

Holy fucking mood swing Batman. I have never experienced anything like that before. I was feeling it most of the day. I came home and did what I could to try to kick it. I made dinner, I did laundry, everything I could so my wife could have a relaxing night. Then I just broke.

She said I was having a panic attack. I have never had one before. I was lying in bed and the room was spinning. I don’t know if it is withdrawl, the effects of an orgasm a few days ago or what.

i have no porn urges at all. The desire for an orgasm is there but I recognize it and can avoid it.

i just feel totally crazy.

 

I can't even believe the psycho I was yesterday. That was nuts. I've never felt like I was trapped in my own body/brain like that before and I never want to feel it again. I'm better today thank God.