Frustration because wife is never in the mood

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by requiem4thyme, Jan 3, 2020.

  1. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Thank you.

    Women don't "give" sex. Unless taken forcefully, you always have to pay, either with money or effort.
     
  2. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    I agree. There is another thread where we need your voice, will reference you.
     
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  3. muhagg

    muhagg Fapstronaut

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    You couldn't be more wrong it is said that it is genetic but the study also says "socially monogamous" which says male and female care the children but it also says that sexual exclusivity was not part of the criteria for monogamy which means that male is allowed to have side chicks.And this study was done on a lot of animals but there was never a study that found that genes are responsible for monogamy in humans ?
     
  4. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    What are you talking about? Of course the study was done in humans. You can't possibly draw any conclusions about human behaviour by studying a pack of donkeys... And sexual exclusivity IS the very definition of monogamy (not to be confused with social monogamy).

    https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.newscientist.com/article/dn14641-monogamy-gene-found-in-people/amp/

    Men and women don't differ in terms of monogamy. There is not a species on the planet where one sex is polygamous and the other is not. Men have side chicks about as often as women are getting porked by the gardener/bus boy/chauffeur and so forth.

    Yet extramarital offspring is rare among humans, even when compared to highly monogamous animals such as some birds, suggesting that there isn't as much hanky panky going on as we are (sometimes) led to believe.
     
  5. muhagg

    muhagg Fapstronaut

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    Read the study do you even understand how genes work.There is no such thing as a monogamy gene.If you are going to use a study then do the research first.And what is that claim that extramarital offspring are rare
    and yet 1-in-25 Dads Not the Real Father.
    Well yes you can if you are unaware we all have a single common ancestor?You know that a lot of studies about addiction where done in rats.Mice and men share about 97.5 per cent of their working DNA
    Are you kidding me man an women are different we have different biological needs main goal of men is to spread their genes.While women focus on finding a strong man(real life example which kind of man are most successful on dating apps)
     
  6. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Yes, quite, as it is my field of work.

    Which make it statistically somewhat rare. Or how was it, you were trying to say only men are polygamous? I don't quite follow.

    Yes, and that is helpful in cell biology. However, we have actually diverged into many species with a kaleidoscope of various traits. We can't fly like an eagle, dive like a dolphin or mate like a nematode just because we are all eukaryotes.

    Look at that little sign on my profile that looks like a crudely painted little person? It's the sign for "woman". There is your first biology lesson.

    It doesn't help to spread your genes if you can't raise your offspring to adulthood. Spreading genes is useful for animals like fish, who can produce thousands of eggs and invest no time in child rearing. Humans get on average two children and will spend virtually their whole life raising them and their subsequent children. The typical male wouldn't get to "spread" much (if at all) as he would soon be out conquered by a new, fitter male, who would kill his offspring and make all his genes obsolete. It's not a good mating strategy for long living, highly intelligent sociable mammals, which is why it's not practiced other than in countries where men have routinely gotten killed off by war, creating an unnatural surplus of enslaved women (i.e. the middle East).

    So all this spreading of the genes, where does it occur? In what developed part of the free world does a man have, say, 50 children? Or even more than three?

    Humans (men and women) practice serial monogamy with slight tendencies (in a few women and men) towards polygamy. To say that men are polygamous and women are not is inherently ignorant and have no bearing in the scientific community whatsoever.
     
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  7. muhagg

    muhagg Fapstronaut

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    That is incorrect one obvious example should be Genghis khan.There are also more modern examples.Also are you aware that people with low Iq produce more offspring then people with high iq Why is that?
    Also if you read the study you wouldn't make the claims you made.
    I never made this claim but keep making your assumptions.
    You should be aware that animals are used a lot in social sciences too not just cell biology.You should know this as that is your area of study
     
  8. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    yes, that's one example, but that's FAR from the norm. It's like saying people weigh 500 kilos, just because some individual in Mexico at some point became that heavy. Statistically it has never been common to have loads of children with loads of women.

    You made the claim that men have other biological needs than women, which is more of a popular anecdote than a scientific fact. Women do tend to choose a mate more carefully, since she takes larger reproductive risks. But when it comes to infidelity, both sexes are about equal.

    An animal study to explain human behaviour doesn't quite have the same bearing as a human study of humans, and would probably not get published in any major scientific magazine. We can and do draw certain parallels from observing mammalian relationships, but that's about it, and it is rarely about behaviour in itself but indicators of certain behaviours (such as finger length or presence of a penile bone).
     
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  9. muhagg

    muhagg Fapstronaut

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    I agree that animal studies on human behavior don't have the same bearing as study of humans but animal studies were used and published in magazines.Ex.Rat park .
    That is correct men are the ones who have to fight for womens attention not the opposite.
     
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  10. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    When I first got married, I am pretty sure someone told me I couldn't just jump right into sex, that I had to woo my wife a little first. You know... warm her up a bit. After more than 10 years of marriage, I can confirm that is true. BUT, I totally misunderstood what people meant by 'warm her up' for the first 8 years. I thought that meant... climb into bed and play with her boobs and rub her back for a few minutes before I poked her. Boy was I off the mark, at least for my wife. The wooing in my household has to start at least 8 hours earlier. I have to steal kisses in the kitchen, be a bit touchy in the hallway, ask her if she needs help with dinner. It is hard work. But... if I do that, the odds of sex that night increase 10 fold.

    Also, if you are looking for ideas on how you can woo your wife, I liked the first half of this book... the second half gets too religious for me.
    http://www.shenzhoufellowship.org/main2/files/old/SpecialTopics/TheLoveDare.pdf
    It is sort of a fun challenge to go through the love dare without telling your wife. My wife, after about 3 weeks into it, said "Why are you being so nice to me?" That was about 8 years ago during a really dark era of our marriage, and I was trying really hard to fix things. Having my wife say that to me, kind of made me sad at the time, knowing that we were in a place in our relationship where niceness was not common.
     
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  11. Slick Willie

    Slick Willie Fapstronaut

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    My wife has dozens of great reasons not to have sex.
     
  12. thelitfit1

    thelitfit1 Fapstronaut

    For starters, I'd recommend transmuting your sexual energy into other areas of life. Gym, work, art, etc.
     
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  13. sotiredofthis

    sotiredofthis Fapstronaut

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    I used to be in the mood all the time with my husband and anything and everything was fun until I discovered the porn and lies my husband did. It tore my self worth into shreds. Now I see him as a lying cheating dirtbag and he turns me off when he even gets near me. He’s trying to change that but having been on the lying roller coaster for 7 years now, I’m not sure it’s going to change.
    My guess is maybe you did this to her. Porn users don’t realize they ruin one of the main things they wanted in a marriage by being selfish and tearing their partner down.
     
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  14. sotiredofthis

    sotiredofthis Fapstronaut

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    amen!
     
  15. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    Great thread. There is this one point I am having a hard time reconciling.
    I know I'm the porn addict, and I am the one with sexual entitlement issues and caused betrayal. But putting that aside, I just can't believe I need to pay for my wife with cash or deed. Everytime I get thinking this way resentment boils up inside of me and my inner me screams "No don't do it, She is not a whore!"

    I get so turned off in thinking I am paying for her body/sex by acts of sweetness or kindness. It's like if I shower/shave put on a tuxedo and stand in the kitchen and do the dishes, listen to her, and give her chocolates and roses then somehow I've earned her body. Bull crap!

    I believe sex is a shared experience. Mutually gifted out of respect for the other. Not one party demanding a payment to relinquish goods. I agree it should never be taken. It should be freely given because the giver wants to. And the receiver should accept it in humility and gratitude.

    I've been in active recovery for 29 months now, and this mismatch in the bedroom is one of our primary frustrations, and the number one cause of my resentment and negative feelings.
     
  16. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    Thanks for sharing this insight into how you feel. Since I am not a woman, I will never know these things for sure. But, while agree in spirit with Lilla_My when she wrote "Women don't "give" sex. Unless taken forcefully, you always have to pay, either with money or effort.", I would have used a different word than 'pay', because 'pay' refers to a transaction in which someone is 'owed' something for a previous action. And, I don't think Lilla_My was saying you have to pay your wife, so that she owes you for sex. Although, I'll let her clarify and I'll try not to put any more words into her mouth.

    What I asked you to do in my previous post was NOT to pay your wife or give her something in exchange for having sex. Rather it was this... Trust that your wife married you for a reason, that she is a human being, human beings like sex, trust that she is attracted to you (otherwise why would she have married you), trust that she is excellent at her core. Truly trust in this.

    Then, ask yourself, since I know she wants to make love with me at her core, then why doesn't she want to today? Can I help her so that the barriers keeping her from being in the mood are no longer present? My understanding is that women get turned off easily, turned off from stress, turned off because they don't feel beautiful, turned off because they are tired, turned off because they are worried about things they have to get done, turned off because they don't feel safe. Help remove those barriers and hope for the best, BUT do not require an outcome. Instead, if you trust her, you should be able to do all of those things and realize that sometimes it is not under your control, sometimes she is in bad mood or maybe just isn't aroused because of factors outside of your control. But, if you truly trust her, you will know that sometime in the near future she will be in the mood, especially if you don't sabotage things by getting in a fight over it, or trying to pressure her into sex.

    I hope that makes sense and I hope it was helpful.
     
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  17. sotiredofthis

    sotiredofthis Fapstronaut

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    I used to think this too. Until my husbands porn use showed me it has nothing to do with shared experience or respect by what he did to me.
    Apparently what you’re doing isn’t convincing your wife to either trust or respect you, have you signed up for couples therapy?
    It’s causing you resentment and negative feelings? How many years did you cause her resentment and negative feelings? That’s how many years she should be able to give it back to you at minimum.
     
  18. Haplymareed

    Haplymareed Fapstronaut

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    I understand your problem....here is what I did that changed everything. I hired a Sex therapist and we did our sessions via skype. She helped us in a myriad of ways but to make this short, she helped my wife talk through what her issues were. She allowed me to tell my wife what my issues were. We had a pretty good sexual relationship and my problem was that she wouldn’t initiate. I got tired of doing all the initiating all the time. There were many things that were discussed and a couple I will list here. We learned that it was ok to M in front of each other. That was a tough one but we learned. My wife was told by her that Men need their needs taken care of. My wife started listening to Dr. Laura, she is great. She teaches women about men and their needs. Game changer, because she started changing on her own. Finally, she suggested something powerful. We each take a week to be in charge. My week is every even numbered Monday. So if its the 2nd of January and that is Monday, that week is mine. The odd week is my wife’s. I have to plan everything for my week. Date night, how sex is going to happen, I have to light the candles and do things that my wife appreciates. Same thing happens on her week. Last, I started NoFap about 1.5 years ago. This changed everything, I also told my wife about it because prior to that we were communicating a “use it or lose it mentality” I am on the road a lot and we would both talk about whether each of us took care of our needs while I was gone. I stopped all that and told her that she is it! That I wait now and explained to her that men need Porn to M if they are away and that this behavior stopped. My sex life sky rocketed. My ability to “get it up” improved immensely and she finally became successful with oral sex. She never liked it but now that she is successful at it, she told me she is actually starting to like it. Thanks NoFap. I won’t go back to the old ways.
     
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  19. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    I realize that what Reverent posted can easily feel like a one sided selfish seeking for support. Because it is... that is how he is looking for help and he is being emotional and should not be expected to phrase things with clarity. But, no one deserves pain in their life, even if they caused pain to others in their past.

    There are so many hurt people on nofap, I don't understand the need to tell other people they deserve to hurt more.
     
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2020
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  20. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    First let me say I am sorry that so much of your life has been deception and he has caused you such terrible pain. We can't even begin to imagine the toll that must take on a woman, especially a loving devoted spouse. Betrayal is a wicked wicked selfish transgression.

    You are 100% correct I am not convincing my wife to trust me. I never want to convince her of anything, gone are the days of deceit, manipulation and gaslighting. Trust is earned by respect and authenticity, not by persuasion.

    And to answer your questions, yes we've been in therapy for years.

    Yes, I have feelings of resentment and negative emotions. I am a person and my feeling are real. I cant/won't ignore them anymore than my wife should when she feels what she does. This is reality. Betrayal truama is a messy hard thing.

    I can't speak for her but I'm pretty sure I cause her pain for 17years. If you are really interested, you are welcome to read my whole journals here. I've been honest and vulnerable during my whole recovery, you are welcome to see all my shortfalls, relaspes, and growth in this process, I have hid nothing.

    I understand you are hurt @sotiredofthis, rightly so. It must also be triggering when us PA respond on here with what looks like, or certainly feels like, we are making excuses, minimizing, or justifying our behaviors. That must certainly feel like another dagger inflicted in your heart by some headspinning blowtard. That was not my intention.

    This thread topic hits close to home, I was merely expressing my point of view, and am trying to be open minded.

    Best of luck.
     
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