Frustration with PIED

O

ookouachiti

Fapstronaut
This morning, a lady that I've been seeing for a few weeks and I decided to break it off. The reason? Largely, it was my erectile dysfunction. It's so frustrating and discouraging because she was always a big supporter of me and my music career, and I met her through seeing her at my own shows. She was noticeably attracted to me and would always say such nice, supportive things. We got along really well and supported each other while it lasted, and there was literally nothing else coming between us. Everything else was good, but I just couldn't properly fuck her. I finally achieved an erection but then backed off when she brought up that I needed to use a condom (which is obviously totally sensible and respectable) because I wasn't sure I could even stay hard long enough to keep it on. She told me she worried that I didn't find her sexually attractive. I admitted that I was desensitized to filthy porn and that my past sexual relationships were similarly filthy, and I couldn't be aroused by normal, nice, romantic vanilla sex anymore.

The reason I decided to look up NoFap and reboot was because I wanted to fix myself for her, so I made it a week without cumming, and almost a week without jerking off. Today I caved on both. The only strong erections I get now are when I wake up and find myself hard. The plan was initially to do one week, which I practically managed, but it didn't fix my life, which I hardly expected after such a short phase, but it is still very discouraging. When I jerked off today, once again the only thing that could affect me was the rough, disgusting stuff. How long will it take for me to be re-sensitized? How many more failed relationships? I plan on seeking therapy for this, as well as working out more and making sure I meet my nutrient targets (although my problem seems more psychological, so therapy is the big one). Just a progress report. I am not giving up, but I am feeling down. If you have any similar anecdotes or words of encouragement or advice, I would love to hear them.
 
I am sorry to hear that, especially since you confessed your porn issues to her.

If you actually said with this choice of words that you
couldn't be aroused by normal, nice, romantic vanilla sex anymore
Click to expand...
that might have been a little harsh. The truth also is that it doesn't arouse you as of now, but it can become better in the future. NoFap combined with healthy intimacy has cured my PIED at least. Well to be honest I sometimes need to fantasize about a certain more "filthy" past affair of mine to climax with my long-term girlfriend, but I would say that we generally have a functional sex life. May be telling her that
I was desensitized to filthy porn and that my past sexual relationships were similarly filthy
Click to expand...
was a little TMI as well.

On the other hand, she also could have showed more understanding, and especially understand that this really is not about her but about you... or *possible plot twist* is it? The question is: Was it mainly about having fun together, a "situationship" at best, or if the two of you were actually interested in a lasting and committed relationship. In the first case, it would be understandable that she wasn't satisfied enough with you. In the latter case, she may be wasn't the right one yet.

Anyway, it is normal to relapse in this situation. A week is a beginning. You are now at a point where you have realized your problem, started your journey and now faced adversity for the first time. You are saying yourself that you are not giving up, and I believe that because you are just starting out.
How many more failed relationships?
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...That is a useless question as of now. "None" would be the ideal outcome, of course. It has worked in my case: The first relationship I had after starting NoFap is the one I am still in six and a half years later. Compare to that my previous longest relationship of nine months.

That woman is gone. Focus on yourself now. You are just starting out.
 
step-by-step said:
I am sorry to hear that, especially since you confessed your porn issues to her.

If you actually said with this choice of words that you

that might have been a little harsh. The truth also is that it doesn't arouse you as of now, but it can become better in the future. NoFap combined with healthy intimacy has cured my PIED at least. Well to be honest I sometimes need to fantasize about a certain more "filthy" past affair of mine to climax with my long-term girlfriend, but I would say that we generally have a functional sex life. May be telling her that

was a little TMI as well.

On the other hand, she also could have showed more understanding, and especially understand that this really is not about her but about you... or *possible plot twist* is it? The question is: Was it mainly about having fun together, a "situationship" at best, or if the two of you were actually interested in a lasting and committed relationship. In the first case, it would be understandable that she wasn't satisfied enough with you. In the latter case, she may be wasn't the right one yet.

Anyway, it is normal to relapse in this situation. A week is a beginning. You are now at a point where you have realized your problem, started your journey and now faced adversity for the first time. You are saying yourself that you are not giving up, and I believe that because you are just starting out.

...That is a useless question as of now. "None" would be the ideal outcome, of course. It has worked in my case: The first relationship I had after starting NoFap is the one I am still in six and a half years later. Compare to that my previous longest relationship of nine months.

That woman is gone. Focus on yourself now. You are just starting out.
Click to expand...
Thank you for your thoughts. Yes, of course I need to focus on myself if I want the next one to go better. This isn't exactly a first, but now that I'm putting in the effort, it seems more disappointing. It's like a gamble...with some people, it works just fine; others, not so much. It would be nice if I could just have sensual, protected sex again. I can definitely be a little blunt with people, which might catch them off guard, but for me in a relationship, it is important that we are able to talk things through and have everything on the table. If that's too much for someone, then probably so am I. We agreed that it was too early for things to feel so complicated, and the parting was amicable and definitely the right move. It makes me sad, but would be worse if we had dragged it out longer.
 
You are putting in effort now, and I understand that your experience is demotivating. But it just doesn't seem to have been that long. Give it some time. And I am perfectly serious (not meaning to be cynical) when I say: At least you won't have to worry about any frustration with PIED or your performance in the near future.
 
ookouachiti said:
one week, which I practically managed, but it didn't fix my life, which I hardly expected after such a short phase, but it is still very discouraging.
Click to expand...
If it got you discouraged - you had expectations on some level. If you PMOed for a long time it'll take a long time to re-sensitize the brain.
ookouachiti said:
How long will it take for me to be re-sensitized?
Click to expand...
No one can tell you that, it's different for people. Do a 90 days reboot, evaluate results, proceed from there https://nofap.com/rebooting
 
Good on you for posting here man and exploring recovery. Your story is very similar to mine.
Some thoughts below from your post, hopefully some are helpful. I do challenge folks in their thinking sometimes, so heads up in case that is a trigger:

ookouachiti said:
The reason? Largely, it was my erectile dysfunction. It's so frustrating and discouraging because she was always a big supporter of me and my music career
Click to expand...

Soounds like a nice lady. What were her thoughts on the sex part? Was it a deal breaker for her?

ookouachiti said:
Everything else was good, but I just couldn't properly fuck her.
Click to expand...

Ah yes, the hallmark of every healthy intimate relationship - being able to "properly f*ck her." jk.
As a sex addict, I used to believe no relationship made any sense without lots and lots (and lots!) of sex. I was "hypersexual" after all, and I felt that the world owed me sex. Spoiler alert: it doesnt.

If you like this woman, why not try to be her friend at least without the sex? While you work recovery, things will change. But right now it sounds like you are in the consumption / objectification stage of the addiction. It's good that you told her about your challenges.

By contrast, healthy relationships have emotional intimacy, tenderness, vulnerability, sharing, touch without sexual goals, and trust.

ookouachiti said:
I couldn't be aroused by normal, nice, romantic vanilla sex anymore.
Click to expand...

Yep, welcome to the club, unfortunately. Before I got 100% PIED I could only get off to the crazyest sh*t.
That's your body killing you, btw.
It's telling you that you are destroying yourself.

ookouachiti said:
The reason I decided to look up NoFap and reboot was because I wanted to fix myself for her
Click to expand...

What about fixing yourself for you?

ookouachiti said:
the only thing that could affect me was the rough, disgusting stuff.
Click to expand...

Yep. Fortunately, this doesn't last once I started a serious recovery in 12 Steps.
Some reflections on that here, here, and here.

ookouachiti said:
How long will it take for me to be re-sensitized?
Click to expand...

It is different for every person. But you'll have a stronger shot at success if your goal is to change your life and be a happier person free of addiction, than it will if you just want your pp to do more things agian.

ookouachiti said:
I plan on seeking therapy for this
Click to expand...

That's a great first step. I recommend recovery meetings online as well, they are every 1-2 hours on Zoom. See links in my signature.

Also, here is a great video that has helped me a lot:

 
cleaningupmyact said:
Good on you for posting here man and exploring recovery. Your story is very similar to mine.
Some thoughts below from your post, hopefully some are helpful. I do challenge folks in their thinking sometimes, so heads up in case that is a trigger:



Soounds like a nice lady. What were her thoughts on the sex part? Was it a deal breaker for her?



Ah yes, the hallmark of every healthy intimate relationship - being able to "properly f*ck her." jk.
As a sex addict, I used to believe no relationship made any sense without lots and lots (and lots!) of sex. I was "hypersexual" after all, and I felt that the world owed me sex. Spoiler alert: it doesnt.

If you like this woman, why not try to be her friend at least without the sex? While you work recovery, things will change. But right now it sounds like you are in the consumption / objectification stage of the addiction. It's good that you told her about your challenges.

By contrast, healthy relationships have emotional intimacy, tenderness, vulnerability, sharing, touch without sexual goals, and trust.



Yep, welcome to the club, unfortunately. Before I got 100% PIED I could only get off to the crazyest sh*t.
That's your body killing you, btw.
It's telling you that you are destroying yourself.



What about fixing yourself for you?



Yep. Fortunately, this doesn't last once I started a serious recovery in 12 Steps.
Some reflections on that here, here, and here.



It is different for every person. But you'll have a stronger shot at success if your goal is to change your life and be a happier person free of addiction, than it will if you just want your pp to do more things agian.



That's a great first step. I recommend recovery meetings online as well, they are every 1-2 hours on Zoom. See links in my signature.

Also, here is a great video that has helped me a lot:

Click to expand...
I appreciate your insight. Just last night, she started talking to me again, and I had a chance to explain my problem to her more in-depth, and get her side of the story as well. As it turns out, she's been abstaining from sex for the past five years for personal reasons. She was all ready to jump back in, with a high sex drive, just as I was in the worst stage of my M addiction and completely sexually dysfunctional. The relationship was not built on shallow, sexual desires. We had been hanging out for a while, going to restaurants, concerts and dog walks. It was more personal than physical, and the physical side was mostly intimate and gentle rather than purely sexual. The problem was that she thought I didn't find her attractive when my body wouldn't respond. I explained this wasn't the case, but I don't think she fully understood until last night when I had the chance to properly break it down for her. I haven't indulged in PMO for about a week and a half at this point. We are planning on hanging out again soon without trying sex. She understands now that the defect was mine entirely and had nothing to do with her, and I have a better understanding of why it was such a big deal to her in the first place too. As to your question, what about fixing myself for me...yes, I always had a vague plan to confront my issues before ever meeting her. What I was getting at is, this was a moment of clarity for me: the breaking point that I needed in order to finally start taking action for myself. I have been reading and learning more about this condition every day with no plans on stopping. Thank you for sharing these resources; I will check them out as soon as I can.
 
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