Fuck my life, I want to end it

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by bumpyhelodermatidae, Aug 1, 2018.

  1. bumpyhelodermatidae

    bumpyhelodermatidae Fapstronaut

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    I don´t get it, I do everything that is suggested: I take cold showers, I run in the morning and lift weights in the afternoon, I have made friends and go out with them. And yet I fap....... every FUCKING TIME I get home, even if I am at home for just 5 minutes to grab something or put the groceries in the fridge. Everybody succeeds after having done what I do but I have been consumed by it. My family want nothing to do with me and I don´t care, I am FUCKING ASEXUAL, I can only get a FUCKING boner whenever I watch or read pornography. NOTHING INTERESTS ME OR MAKES ME HAPPY EXCEPT PORN; EVERYTHING ELSE IS A FREAKING CHORE; INCLUDING ACTIVITIES LIKE READING AND SOCIALIZING: AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF MY MOM THINKS I AM A PERVERTED MONSTER; MY DAD THINKS THAT I AM TAKING DRUGS (I NEVER HAVE) AND BELIEVES NOFAP IS BROSCIENCE AND MY SISTER IS SUICIDAL AND MY FAMILY THINKS I AM PARTIALLY TO BLAME (THE FACT THAT SHE CAN´T GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL IS NOT FAULT). I just want to end this, I tried and I failed, perhaps I if I end it I will stop being pathetic, I lost the battle it´s over. fuck this world, fuck nofap.
     
  2. bumpyhelodermatidae

    bumpyhelodermatidae Fapstronaut

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    AND FOR THOSE WANDERING WHY MY COUNTER SHOWS 32 DAYS; I GAVE UP ON COUNTING BECAUSE I NEVER MANAGED MORE THAN 2 DAYS
     
  3. Gmork

    Gmork Fapstronaut

    Slow down, and take a breath @bumpyhelodermatidae
    I've been in the same place.
    Have a look at this.
    It helped me so much.
    Maybe it might help.

     
    Nuttynuge and Wario32 like this.
  4. Hello,

    I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling. Rebooting has its ups and downs, just like life. We see many people experiencing both the ups and downs during the reboot, and though it may be hard to see now, these feelings you are having won’t last forever. It will get better with time, if you are patient and wait.

    In the meantime, please seek professional help. I know the idea of calling a helpline might terrify you, but in times of crisis, we often need someone their to put our lives in perspective. So please contact someone who can help and don’t hang up on them. The International Association for Suicide Prevention[/url] maintains a list of suicide prevention hotlines for countries all over the world. Also, if you don’t feel up to actually talking to someone on the phone, unsuicide[/url] maintains a list of online Instant Messaging and chat suicide prevention resources.

    You are not alone in this. There are ways to treat depression. Please contact people that can help you. Being depressed often makes it feel like you don’t have any more options. But that is a lie. That is just the depression talking. These feeling you have won’t last forever. We are in this with you, and we will all be cheering for you to get through this!
     
    Jason_Tesla_19 likes this.
  5. Gmork

    Gmork Fapstronaut

  6. JouleTrader

    JouleTrader Fapstronaut

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    It took me 20 years, mate. Man up.
     
  7. Admiral Rusty

    Admiral Rusty Fapstronaut

    It’s always possible to make a change. Try to seek professional help for this situation.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  8. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    Hi! Soooo sorry you’re struggling right now. I know this feeling very well. I’ve been suicidal because of PMO addiction for a few years. I’ve been trying to quit on my own for about 10 years with zero success...

    Luckily this time I have been successfully sober (so far...), and also I’ve been suicidal thought free for about a month now!!! Which both of these are a miracle!, but not surprising according to a certified sex addiction therapist in my area who I saw. Here’s what he said...

    I told him all the work I’ve been doing on a daily basis to stay sober and then told him that I have had very few craving and he said, “I’m not surprised you don’t need have cravings, considering the work you’re doing on yourself.”

    You mentioned you’re taking cold showers and exercising as the core of your recovery plan. While these are awesome steps in the right direction and something I do daily, some people (like myself) need to do more than that. I think there are varying degrees of “addicted” and I am severe, so I need a more rigorous recovery plan. It’s important to do what you need to stay sober not what others need. Here’s a glimpse into what I do daily/weekly to remain not only sober but craving free (and as mentioned above, my list is verified by a CSAT).

    Daily recovery stuff...EVERY DAY!!!
    • Stay rigorously honest!!: I hold no secret inside. If I do it eats away at me!!! This means telling loved ones about my depression and letting them help me.
    • Sleep schedule: 8 hours every night and start sleeping at a similar time every night
    • Drink tall glass of water every morning
    • Hand written journaling: 10-15 minutes every morning and sometimes more during the day if I need to. I’ve written over 500 pages since getting sober.
    • Meditation: 10 minutes of zazen sitting meditation
    • Prayer: I’m not religious so this prayer time is to think about people who have helped me along the way, or remind myself to operate on love and compassion principles throughout the day.
    • Exercise: cardio and weights/yoga
    • Right before I go to bed: I check to see if I have any secrets (big or small) and if I do I write them down and share with someone tomorrow.
    • I cry very often: i have lots of emotional pain I’ve been running from. So in recovery I’ve cried nearly every single day. It shows I’m being honest with myself and my feelings. (The CSAT mentioned this and I was surprised cuz I’ve been doing this on my own)
    • I visit nofap often: talking with others like you about recovery is a big help. It reminds me I’m not alone and I can share my experience and gain huge wisdom from your experience. Suicidal thoughts seem to be common among us PMO addicts and before nofap I thought I was the only one who was this fucked up by PMO...
    Weekly recovery stuff
    • Therapy: once a week. I fought doing this for years. But now I do it and I’m still sober. She actually got me over my depression. I was sober and suicidal but going to therapy broke this and it went away.
    • Attend SAA meetings: sex addicts anonymous. I do this twice a week.
    • Work the 12 steps of SAA with a sponsor
    • CBT exercises: this is for depression and anxiety and it’s helping.
    • Being more social: not just being social, but having honest deep conversations with friends about my addiction and my suicidal thoughts and my recovery.

    Does this sound like a lot of stuff?? It is... could I get sober before without going all in? No... so am I upset I have to do all of this to stay sober? No! My current life is 100% better than the old PMO life. And breaking that cycle of pain that you describe so well is one of the greatest reliefs I’ve ever experienced in life. This disease is very real, so I treat it with respect! Otherwise it will devour me again...
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2018
  9. Gmork

    Gmork Fapstronaut

    @PSEIQuestionnaire - please exercise some tact.
    Posting questionnaire info on a thread about possible suicide is a really bad call.
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2018
    MasterRoshi, Lyfe and Deleted Account like this.
  10. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    Hey dude, you feeling any better?
     
    Gmork likes this.
  11. Jinkazama

    Jinkazama Banned

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    Hey, NoFap is just About not facking the fap up the lap with an Internet hole (a gap), Virus coming from the porn Homepage.

    Man, first of all cool down, you seem to be a nice guy.
    Ask yourself what your parents want from you… get a Job, a Girl? being happy and successful? I don't know. Ask them: What do you want from me?
    Probably they hoped you voted for hillary clinton or became a vegan, who knows?

    You are 22, man, don't worry… as Long as you do all those cool stuff in your day, who cares About 5 minutes fapping… when I was your age, I spent all day for Hours at a time home, masturbating to porn, doing barely anyhting else except of watching Horror movies…

    So just Keep going… as Long as you live the NoFap Lifestyle and try not to THINK About pornography all day, for your Standards that is truly a success.

    You are part of the Team, don't let anybody down.

    My sister doesn't talk to me since more than 10 years but I don't care. My parents said I do it wrong, so guess what I don't care. It all doesn't really matter if you believe in yourself.

    Go listen to Mariah Carey, or Whitney Houston, or even "The Worlds greatest" from R. Kelly.

    You can do it. It doesn't matter how often one masturbates, the good will is all that Counts. If you continue with your Lifestyle and do what makes you healthy and gives you pleasure besides of porn, you will lose your interest in porn.
     
  12. "Facking the fap up the lap with an Internet hole". Wtf does that mean? o_O
     
    Gmork likes this.
  13. Jinkazama

    Jinkazama Banned

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    I am a rapstar, itty bitty bird… how's this bird called? owl… now I remember.

    My rhyme meant that as Long as he wants to quit porn, even tough if not succeeding immediately, he is doing the NoFap Thing Right, cause good will is everything that Counts on the end of a given day…
     
  14. First, I am not an itty bitty bird.
    Secondly, don't write a cryptic rhyme you have to decode to someone that is suicidal. It may send him over the edge! o_O
     
    Gmork likes this.
  15. Jinkazama

    Jinkazama Banned

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    If he reads the rest, he will be save cause I built him up.

    But your profile Picture is.

    wow you are already on day 326.
     
  16. bumpyhelodermatidae

    bumpyhelodermatidae Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for all your posts, I am fine, nothing happened, I got high up but simply did not have the guts to jump. After I realized that I was not able to follow through with what I said I would do, I sat in a park for an hour and thought things through. My will to live simply overcame my will to end it. I got an appointment with a psychiatrist, I had my first appointment today and I talked to him about my problems. When I was done (I talked for what must have seemed an hour) he told me that porn addiction is a thing and the scientific community is just realizing how much they fucked up by writing it off as pure BS.
    Lessons learned:
    -Porn addiction is not broscience. It is only a matter of time before people stop treating us like perverted monsters and start treating us like people with a medical condition.
    - If you are thinking about suicide, chances are that you might have googled how to actually do it, like yours truly. But that does not mean that you have to end it when you are in front of that window or in front of those train tracks. Let your survival instinct talk to you, don´t shut it out.
    - Never think about battling depression on your own if you are suicidal, get a qualified professional to help you, you
    have a medical condition.

    Clarification regarding the last point:"But other people will think that I am weird for seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist" WHO CARES!!!! your recovery is about you, not other people!!!!
    Let me talk to you about my high school years: I was the weird kid in school who refused to take drugs and drink alcohol until I collapsed, the guy who nobody wanted to go to prom with, the guy who spent his time studying, sure this gave me a series of problems on a personal level, but it got me into uni. What did the guys that tormented me for not being cool do after high school? Nothing. They spend their time drinking, fapping and doing drugs while waiting for their unemployment cheques. I may be fucked up, but I at least I will be a fuck-up with hope because I will make money to invest in bettering myself. They will not.
     
  17. bumpyhelodermatidae

    bumpyhelodermatidae Fapstronaut

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    With regards to the last bit I meant to say, I took the hard route, but it got me somewhere.
     
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  18. fireblaster

    fireblaster Fapstronaut

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  19. Gmork

    Gmork Fapstronaut

    You mean R Kelly the child sex offender, misogynist & rapist?

    You are delusional.
     
  20. Gmork

    Gmork Fapstronaut

    I'm glad you're back.
    Excellent to hear from you, and read your perspectives.
     
    Tom_Corsi likes this.

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