I was never really looking for my 'why' or my 'purpose' on this journey, until it came to me. It took away my grades, my friends, potential love interests, I couldn't even look people in the eye! Two filthy bastards- one of them called PMO, the other called caffeine. Together, they help constitute to an inborn genetic defect; anxiety. Usually, this skill would help me in life. Studies have found people with anxious personalities or those who worry to have higher IQs. It helps with not putting things off/getting work done. A lot of anxious people go on to be successful because of their ability to think and plan ahead. Some of them even become 'gurus' or masters of the art of meditation. A lot of great councillors are anxious. You can still connect to people and be anxious, they might even admire you for your eccentricity. But what pisses me off is the fact that this motherfucker won't let me sit down in peace for 5 minutes without asking me what other people would think. 'Oh, you're taking lessons online now? Well what will the neighbours think? They'll judge you, mock you, tease you. You stupid little fucking prick, do you ever think that you'd get anywhere in life?" I now know why I must do NoFap, why I must work-out, why I must eat enough protein, why I must read, why I must study. If I don't, this bastard will fill my head full of regrets. I'll only get more anxious, I'll only stagnate more if I don't face this head on. Fuck social anxiety! I'll dedicate my whole life to this journey, to destroy this bastard once and for all! I'll do whatever it takes to make myself feel uncomfortable so that I can grow as a person. I'm going to kick this negative cycle in the proverbial nuts. No more social anxiety, no more procrastination, no more brain fog. Like I said, some anxiety is good. My body is in a constant state of cortisol and oestrogen production. My body is fucked. I need to accept that, man-up and grow a pair of balls. I can't do that without NoFap. I need every single positive habit that I can think of. I need to make it so that I don't have time to be anxious. It isn't a choice, but how I chose to deal with it and how I 'self-medicate' is. This is reality. That is a human female. That is a human male. That is a pain below my rib-cage. It's all nothing, one day I'll die. No one will care how good or bad my life was when I'm dead, so why should I care in the present? If I'm cremated my ashes will be blown away, washed upstream or left in a dusty urn. If I'm buried I'll be torn away by pupating maggots that burrowed underground and then my bones will slowly dissolve. Life isn't fair. Fairness is a concept. Concepts give us meaning, but meaning doesn't matter. Form does. Porn is not form. Porn is not maintaining frame. Porn can go fuck itself.