fuck...

well, he relapsed... today... 4 hours ago. he downloaded apps so he could access it... i asked him about the downloads and if he watched P today. he said yes and then said "you couldn't wait to ask me huh". granted, he is at work, but that's not something i can just keep inside until who knows when. i'm shaking, i'm sick to my stomach. has he been hiding it this whole time again? we JUST talked about it and he told he was fine and didn't have any issues cause the sex has been more frequent. i'm dying inside right now... what do i do? how do i talk about this with him? we haven't made any lists yet, i'm too scared to bring them up to him. i'm too scared to follow through w/ consequences. please help me. :'(

 

how can i motivate him to find one? i have told him this... he knows... he's not motivated... he comes on here once in a while, but not active... just reads... i'm more serious about this than he is... he just texted me and said "it's my guilt... i will deal with it." what does that mean? deal with it? ugh... i hate this... things were going so well... sigh...

 

we're not church going people... and his friends are all douchebags and cheat on their women and laugh when my bf reached out to them... i don't have friends. we don't have the funds to go have a life as i'm the sole earner right now... he is barely just starting a job, but that started yesterday and ends today... he's looked for meetings, but no car, no bus money... we're in this vicious cycle...

 

yeah, that's what scares me the most... how many times will i be able to handle it?

 

i want to tag him, but i am afraid of offending him... why?!

 

is now the right time to tag him? or "talk" about it first?

 

he doesn't have other outlets... he has downloaded apps and stuff, but it's the keeping up with them.

 

well, i just tried to have the smallest conversation with him about it. i waited until we were both alone to make sure that the conversation could be had with "ease". i wanted to talk about it because i just wanted to know why and if he's been hiding it from me still. he snapped at me and made me feel like i was at fault. i said that it wasn't fair for him to talk to me with such attitude and he gets upset when i do the same thing. he said that he had an urge and watched all of a minute and then MO... if he's been fighting his urges this whole time then why give in now? he said he got bored... that's all... but to download multiple apps to find what he wanted? i forgot he switched phones so now that one has all the restrictions... who knows if they work... he never will let us have a conversation... it turns into a fight... which is why i just wanted to get it over with cause i didn't want to do it at home... i feel disrespected. sorry for rambling... i just let my thumbs go. haha...

 

now i don't have patience and bitch at everything he does. he's so fucking mad right now. what did i do??? "No dude fuck you you wonder why I don't fucking tell you shit cuz you always make a fucking big ass God damn when dealing every fucking thing there is"... his words...

 

i do everything i can to give him praise and show him he's capable... but he doesn't see it... why am i even wasting my time? everything is always my fault because i'm the one that wants to "talk"... how do we fix things if there's no "talking"?

 

no, no kids... we just live together and he'll be homeless... i can't do that to someone... i'm stuck