Fucking trying again.

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by darth, Mar 16, 2015.

  1. darth

    darth Fapstronaut

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    I'd been good, and then I slipped, and started spiraling. I haven't hit bottom, but I know its coming, so yesterday I made a true effort to not use porn. It was tricky but worked. Now I think it's more important than ever to count days, because while I feel the good bit was good, I don't know really how long it was.

    I don't love posting here, don't like joining things, but this struggle is lonely enough.
     
  2. M123

    M123 Fapstronaut

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    Not sad bro all people can fall even some peopeo has 120+Day sterak can falldown
    Carry on man
     
  3. heyitshannes

    heyitshannes Fapstronaut

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    Keep posting dude. As you say, this is a lonely struggle, and none of us can do it alone.
     
  4. Ankur Sharma

    Ankur Sharma Guest

    I recommend you should post even if you don't love posting. I am not saying that you cannot do it without posting but we often need the motivation.
     
  5. darth

    darth Fapstronaut

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    Thanks people, I will take the advice and post. I'm on day 3 now, feeling good. Even one day away from porn makes me feel better about myself. Keeping on.
     
  6. wally_s

    wally_s Fapstronaut

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    For me I know I have to be here. I'm not a joiner, either, and I really don't like having to confess my darkest shit in front of people, but I'm desperate. Or well, I was desperate when I got here, ready to do anything to get well. Now I've got this hope going on inside me and I don't want to lose it. Thanks for checking in, darth. Your post is just another thing that's getting me through the day, staying on track.
     
  7. mijereah

    mijereah Fapstronaut

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    Yeah about around this time I end of falling again and relapsing. SO I am going to be on guard..
     
  8. darth

    darth Fapstronaut

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    Wally S - yeah, nice to hear that there are others like me. I'm still on track, but realized today it's feeling like I'm out of the woods and - like mijereah - "about this time" I fall off. So I'll try and post every day, or something close to it. It's only 5 days since I last betrayed myself and my ideals for a burst of temporary pleasure and of leaving myself behind. The further I get away the better.

    I don't like being addicted, though I am pretty easily addicted - but with sex, with masturbation added in, I wind up hating myself even more than I did when I couldn't stop smoking, because those things are already complicated and troublesome enough. Add to that my genuine respect for women, and for young people, and being involved in a machine that eats young, attractive people and spits out ruined junkies and humiliated humans bothers me in my core.

    Last time I slipped it was because I started revisiting this old idea: when i was young i was fully anti-porn, despite being a visual person (who isn't?) who used all sorts of images for wank fodder. Then I met this woman in school who had the other perspective: she said all humans and all sex (most) are visual, so what is inherently wrong about using images for masturbation? BUT = this was 1991, and nobody could imagine the impact of internet porn on our brains. From giving myself permission to enjoy porn imagery to feeling like a diaper-wearing slot machine addict is a long fucking slide.

    I'm off. 5 days and 3 hours off.
     
  9. darth

    darth Fapstronaut

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    Six days now, the first one with any temptation. Not a lot, but while yesterday it seemed strange, today I can remember how it feels to indulge and forget about my values. Happy I made it through with my self intact. Go me.
     
  10. darth

    darth Fapstronaut

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    Seven! Ta da!
     
  11. darth

    darth Fapstronaut

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    And failure. Couple days ago. I struggle with two minds. Here's the story for each.
    1. I hate porn for 2 reasons (at least). One is the industry of soul crushing, the toll on real people, and the sexism and anti-sexuality of it. Two is the addictive nature of internet porn, like a slot machine with naked people instead of lemons. So I sometimes think, there's nothing wrong with images; if I use cartoons, which I already like, nobody's being used, right? So fuck it. I'm desperate to come, desperate to see bodies, and nobody gets hurt - so fuck it. I even went to a trad porn shop to find images I could use without going online, but there was nothing there I wanted to buy or use.
    2. I try to quit, and find a way to rationalize the need that everyone else here feels and struggles with, find a loophole, and wank. Then I feel like a failure, loser, asshole, who still lacks a real decision.

    My partner is going away next week, and that has always been a struggle for me - loneliness sends me to porn ville. I would see it as a real victory if I were able to not indulge while she were away.
     
  12. darth

    darth Fapstronaut

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    And FAILURE. A total move into the rationalization and think i have it figured out, now, and that i wasn't thinking right when i quit. Fuck, how do you outwit your own mind? Restting the counter, trying not to fall into total self-loathing, and ...
     

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