Full of guilt, remorse, shame...this is killing me from the inside, out

Phil Humble

Fapstronaut
Outwardly, I play the part of a loyal family man: upper middle aged, hard working, moderately successful, dependable, faithful to wife, devoted to adults kids with partners and handful of grandchildren.

Inwardly, I feel rotten to the core, like a shiny apple concealing a nasty grub, eating away at its soul.

A wise old person said that one's true character is only revealed when nobody is watching. So...do you steal $20 from the unattended till? Late at night on a dark deserted street, do you drop litter? During opportune solitude, do you sneak a wafty crank to relieve the boredom?

I promise you, I am neither a thief nor litter bug.

My wife and I are sexually active, though her appetite is less than mine. When active, it's mutually satisfying. But I use the appetite imbalance as an excuse, to myself only, of course. But if I get the timing of PMO wrong - i.e. too close before our next intimacy - then performance impairment and/or anxiety arises.

Just as bad, or possibly worse, is the shame I feel about carrying my dirty secrets. In addition or as a consequence, this is fucking up my life in at least three important areas:
1) Family relationships - I am simply not authentic; quite the opposite, I'm a fraud, portraying Image A while privately living Reality B.
2) Health - I eat and exercise less than healthily, so am about 20 pounds overweight.
3) Work/business - I'm easily distracted and lack focus, resulting in sub-optimal performance and unexploited opportunities (not just financial, but fulfillment too).

So I'm looking to reboot my entire life, without anyone in my life knowing. This is one secret I'm happy with, especially as it's not exactly a secret having shared it here with you.

WHY: Because in 90 days' time (on 22 May 2016), I'll not only be a P-free zone, I'll be 20 pounds lighted, physically fitter, mentally cleansed, several thousand $/£ wealthier, gratifyingly fulfilled in myself, and much better company to family, friends and indeed strangers too.
 
Greetings Phil...I relate to you totally about leading the double life. Trying to look good on the outside but with the dirty secret on the inside. The more I've reached out to this forum and other places to get help and support, the more painful the relapses have been. But I take it as a sign that I'm moving in the right direction. May you move in the right direction with a series of one day goals. It's hard, but don't be discouraged too long. Keep at it. Hope to hear more from you.
 
So I'm looking to reboot my entire life, without anyone in my life knowing. This is one secret I'm happy with, especially as it's not exactly a secret having shared it here with you.
Hello, Phil, I think you made the right choice by coming here and deciding to reboot. Don't loose hope and don't feel guilty. Its the porn, that has messed up your life. You can be a better person than you think. We are all with you.
 
Many thanks to all of you. Only a few days in, reboot on track so far, the 'double-life' guilt/shame is easing and feels great, thereby maintaining motivation. Being here REALLY helps a lot. More posts in my blog in the Over 40's group.
 
Thanks for sharing Phil. I believe mindfulness and meditation will surely aid you in overcoming temptation. You will live in the moment and act in accordance to what really matters to you. When you are alone, go for a walk or to a local coffee shop - take in the world around you. Put up pictures of your grandchildren in the room where PMO used to happen, so that if an urge arises you will be reminded of whats important in life. Being mindfully aware will bring forth a sense of fulfillment and you will feel a higher connection to the world and people in your life. Seek mindfulness, and happiness will surely follow.
 
Just posted this in my reboot blog in response to some encouraging comments, and want to share these insights more widely:
Thank you all. Most encouraging. Like you say, @stopthebuzz, unwanted impulses arise unconciously and apparently out of the blue. However, careful thought suggests they arise from circumstances in which the old behaviour would happen: Trigger-behaviour-reward (then remorse...too late). One such trigger today was arriving home to an empty house, knowing that no one else would be here for quite some time. Fortunately, my desire to stay clean combined with consciously thinking in fast-forward mode to the remorse stage was more than enough to stay on the straight and narrow. Without this site, I fear that would simply not have been possible.

Best wishes.
 
Hi Phil,

The narrative about the "apple" analogy could have easily been written about/by me. The similarities are uncanny, the situation remarkably similar, equally the responsibilities….so I understand exactly where you(we) are, and hope this forum provides the platform for self awareness, and indeed collective support in doing what we can to rid ourselves of this "need".
I'm only day three….lots to go, but being able to log-in and relate immediately to like (compromised) people is hugely rewarding…
Best of luck, we need to feel good in front of our families and especially the Grandchildren.

RT
 
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