Fun story about relapse

[Deleted Account]

So fun story…
I relapsed last night by masturbating for the first time in almost 10 years. The difference this time was I wasn’t going to hide or lie. I called my AP today and we met and talked about it. I don’t feel an guilt or shame at this point because I was honest. Porn was not involved, just some wicked stress and I woke up in the middle of the night and I was already starting to M I think. Hard to remember. But I could have stopped and I didn’t.
Wife has asked me not to share anything about my recovery or relapses or anything. But if she ever does ask I will be honest. I will also be able to say I handled the relapse appropriately. Honesty is the big thing. Masturbation doesn’t define me but my honesty does.

 

[Starling]

Sorry, I don't think it is a fun story. Rather sad story.

 

[Deleted Account]

I guess I was a little glib in my first post. It’s not that I am ok with relapse or am proud or am less determined than before to avoid PMO in all its forms. It was just the epiphany that the actions are far less the issue than hiding and lying.
I went from feeling shame, guilt, fear, and hopeless to feeling self-respect, confidence, hope, and peace all by being open and honest.
I spent many years rationalizing why I didn’t need to disclose to anyone my weakness Antoine PMO. Even when I was sober for years, I felt the shame and guilt and hopelessness of not being an honest man.
When I got honest with my wife and some friends and got a support system in place in case of relapse I felt so much better. But this is the first time I have tested it with a relapse with masturbation.
I was nervous but I didn’t allow myself to rationalize not disclosing it.
It was scary and it took a lot of courage to call my AP and ask to meet.
But I told myself I was going to take care of this within 24 hours no matter what.
It worked out and I felt such relief. It helped me appreciate the guilt wasn’t so much from touching my penis as from not being the honest man with no secrets that I want to be.
I think a lot of the SOs would agree that they might not like it if their husband said, “I’m gonna look at some porn and masturbate now cuz I’m feeling disconnected or stressed”
They would probably say, “I’m not ok with that.”
There would be some stuff to work out if he said, “Yeah, well I think I’m gonna do it anyway.”
But it would be better than him pretending he’s not. Lying when asked. And blaming and negative affect on the relationship on her.
The relationship might end but it would probably result in less trauma.
So, I’m not thrilled that I relapsed, but I’m ecstatic that I was honest about it. And I think that doing this has kept me out of the cycle of the past and I may never relapse again.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

I guess I was a little glib in my first post. It’s not that I am ok with relapse or am proud or am less determined than before to avoid PMO in all its forms. It was just the epiphany that the actions are far less the issue than hiding and lying.
I went from feeling shame, guilt, fear, and hopeless to feeling self-respect, confidence, hope, and peace all by being open and honest.
I spent many years rationalizing why I didn’t need to disclose to anyone my weakness Antoine PMO. Even when I was sober for years, I felt the shame and guilt and hopelessness of not being an honest man.
When I got honest with my wife and some friends and got a support system in place in case of relapse I felt so much better. But this is the first time I have tested it with a relapse with masturbation.
I was nervous but I didn’t allow myself to rationalize not disclosing it.
It was scary and it took a lot of courage to call my AP and ask to meet.
But I told myself I was going to take care of this within 24 hours no matter what.
It worked out and I felt such relief. It helped me appreciate the guilt wasn’t so much from touching my penis as from not being the honest man with no secrets that I want to be.
I think a lot of the SOs would agree that they might not like it if their husband said, “I’m gonna look at some porn and masturbate now cuz I’m feeling disconnected or stressed”
They would probably say, “I’m not ok with that.”
There would be some stuff to work out if he said, “Yeah, well I think I’m gonna do it anyway.”
But it would be better than him pretending he’s not. Lying when asked. And blaming and negative affect on the relationship on her.
The relationship might end but it would probably result in less trauma.
So, I’m not thrilled that I relapsed, but I’m ecstatic that I was honest about it. And I think that doing this has kept me out of the cycle of the past and I may never relapse again.

Being honest with yourself is the first step. Knowing you needed to tell someone rather than “ it’s only this one time, I don’t need to say anything.”
I want to correct something, most of the SO’s I know, would be so happy their husband came to them telling them he felt like looking at porn because he was stressed. If they actually did that, talking about the stress, that is causing the urge to look, many times kills that urge. My husband has said on many occasions just talking to me helps get rid of the anxiety. When he can’t sleep in the middle of the night like what happened to you, he either wakes me to talk or gets up and goes into the living room. He can’t just lay in bed. Or he will fail. And m is an inner circle for him as well.

 

[Deleted Account]

I want to correct something, most of the SO’s I know, would be so happy their husband came to them telling them he felt like looking at porn because he was stressed. If they actually did that, talking about the stress, that is causing the urge to look, many times kills that urge. My husband has said on many occasions just talking to me helps get rid of the anxiety.

I totally agree with everything in this statement. I would LOVE to be able to share my stresses and thoughts and challenges with my wife. I don’t want to blame or play the victim, but the reason I was stressed was because of a discussion with her where she said something that I felt was hurtful because I felt I was being told I’m not worthy of connection or love.
But you are amazing if you can hold space and be supportive of your husband. He has a real jewel. I think if I had that kind of support, my recovery would have been much different. In fact it has been much different since I accepted that I will have to find ALL of my support outside of my relationship

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

I totally agree with everything in this statement. I would LOVE to be able to share my stresses and thoughts and challenges with my wife. I don’t want to blame or play the victim, but the reason I was stressed was because of a discussion with her where she said something that I felt was hurtful because I felt I was being told I’m not worthy of connection or love.
But you are amazing if you can hold space and be supportive of your husband. He has a real jewel. I think if I had that kind of support, my recovery would have been much different. In fact it has been much different since I accepted that I will have to find ALL of my support outside of my relationship

That’s why I said most, but not all. And, most will give up if you continue in addiction rather than recovery. Which is unfortunately where most of us SO’s end up. The vast majority of porn addicts lie and betray and gaslight for years before they face the problem and it’s generally too much damage by that point. The ones I see that are having success face it right away, not years into the relationship. You can only hurt someone so much before they either turn on you, leave, or shut down( detach). Why do you think your wife stays? Do you know? Why do you stay? It’s easy for me to give my husband space because I view him as completely screwed up. Lol. Like, he has brain cancer. My value is not determined by him or his actions. He and I both know, if I wanted another man, I could replace him in a heartbeat. Lots of homeless men out there would love to live with me . Seriously though, I’m more concerned by his lack of morals in the lying department than I am with his struggle to stay sober. Honesty is the first step in recovery and the strongest indication of long term recovery.

 

[Deleted Account]

Wow 10 years, that’s awesome! Kudos for being honest and not letting it sit and fester in secrecy.

 

[Deleted Account]

Lots of homeless men out there would love to live with me

lol. Seriously I was laughing

 

[Deleted Account]

Why do you think your wife stays? Do you know? Why do you stay?

I can only guess at the first two.
Probably financial security and faith.
For me because of my faith and my vows.
My doing what I feel is right is not contingent upon it being easy or pain free. I don’t have to like it. But I’m sure lots of things in life are not pain free. To quote darkman. “I’m learning to live with a lot of things.”

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

I can only guess at the first two.
Probably financial security and faith.
For me because of my faith and my vows.
My doing what I feel is right is not contingent upon it being easy or pain free. I don’t have to like it. But I’m sure lots of things in life are not pain free. To quote darkman. “I’m learning to live with a lot of things.”

Does she think you love her? Do you think she loves you? Do your actions show her you care? I do love my husband. I think he loves me now as well, but he hasn’t always. I’m pretty stuck though( personal reasons, but my choice) otherwise I would leave. I don’t believe it ever is over(10yrs and you chose to relapse? That’s discouraging to me! No judgement, just my thoughts) and I’m tired. I also don’t believe this was the life God planned for me, but he has turned it for good. Ironically, 5.5 years ago my pastor told me I should divorce because it absolutely was a covenant breaking behavior, abusive and he’s never seen a porn addict get better. Could have bowled me over. I thought he would encourage me to fight for the marriage, pray more, offer more sex,lol. He’s good friends with my husband too. But, he did give good referrals to csats not realizing I was already seeing one.

 

[Deleted Account]

Does she think you love her? Do you think she loves you? Do your actions show her you care? I do love my husband. I think he loves me now as well, but he hasn’t always. I’m pretty stuck though( personal reasons, but my choice) otherwise I would leave. I don’t believe it ever is over(10yrs and you chose to relapse? That’s discouraging to me! No judgement, just my thoughts) and I’m tired. I also don’t believe this was the life God planned for me, but he has turned it for good. Ironically, 5.5 years ago my pastor told me I should divorce because it absolutely was a covenant breaking behavior, abusive and he’s never seen a porn addict get better. Could have bowled me over. I thought he would encourage me to fight for the marriage, pray more, offer more sex,lol. He’s good friends with my husband too. But, he did give good referrals to csats not realizing I was already seeing one.

She might love me in her own way, but not the way I call love. I love her and care very much about her and want to have connection and build something with her. But she doesn’t have the capacity right now. She suffers from depression, menopause, untreated childhood abuse, the trauma from me, and various other things. But she won’t seek help from doctors either physical or mental because of fear I guess. She won’t talk about it and assumes every suggestion I make is to blame her and make myself look good. so I really can’t answer accurately.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

She might love me in her own way, but not the way I call love. I love her and care very much about her and want to have connection and build something with her. But she doesn’t have the capacity right now. She suffers from droresdion,menopause, untreated childhood abuse, the trauma from me, and various other things. But she won’t seek help from doctors either physical or mental because of fear I guess. She won’t talk about it and assumes every suggestion I make is to blame her and make myself look good. so I really can’t answer accurately.

Omg I’m looking up droresdion and realize u mean depression…. lol I’m like I’ve never heard of that . Yup, that’s hard. You can’t make someone take care of themselves. And menopause sucks!

 

[used19]

Sorry, I don't think it is a fun story. Rather sad story.

It is scary to me because it is straight out of my husband’s history assuming he didn’t lie about it (and given all he’s come clean about I don’t think this is one of his lies.). His story is that he had a problem while we were dating for a year or two. Got it under control after something popped up on his computer while he was showing his parents something (really great for me, I didn’t count). Was completely clean by the time we got married. He lasted a good 10-12 years and then after getting an iphone completely relapsed and had a problem worse than before. And now we are where we are. So personally, even though he’s at 5 years completely clean, I’m not gonna even breathe until he hits 15 years.

Good that you are being honest Thor, but just be careful if it is your goal to not eventually go back to addiction.

 

[Deleted Account]

Omg I’m looking up droresdion and realize u mean depression…. lol I’m like I’ve never heard of that . Yup, that’s hard. You can’t make someone take care of themselves. And menopause sucks!

Stupid fat fingers can’t type

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

Stupid fat fingers can’t type

I didn’t actually figure it out, my phone changed it!

 

[Warfman]

I want to correct something, most of the SO’s I know, would be so happy their husband came to them telling them he felt like looking at porn because he was stressed. If they actually did that, talking about the stress, that is causing the urge to look, many times kills that urge. My husband has said on many occasions just talking to me helps get rid of the anxiety. When he can’t sleep in the middle of the night like what happened to you, he either wakes me to talk or gets up and goes into the living room. He can’t just lay in bed. Or he will fail. And m is an inner circle for him as well.

I'm not refuting anything you said, but man this is just so different from my experiences.

I agree that talking about it calms me too. I just can't to go my wife most of the time to find that safe place.

 

[Warfman]

So fun story…
I relapsed last night by masturbating for the first time in almost 10 years. The difference this time was I wasn’t going to hide or lie. I called my AP today and we met and talked about it. I don’t feel an guilt or shame at this point because I was honest. Porn was not involved, just some wicked stress and I woke up in the middle of the night and I was already starting to M I think. Hard to remember. But I could have stopped and I didn’t.
Wife has asked me not to share anything about my recovery or relapses or anything. But if she ever does ask I will be honest. I will also be able to say I handled the relapse appropriately. Honesty is the big thing. Masturbation doesn’t define me but my honesty does.

Sorry about the hard times. But you are doing the right thing here. Good job.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

I'm not refuting anything you said, but man this is just so different from my experiences.

I agree that talking about it calms me too. I just can't to go my wife most of the time to find that safe place.

I should have been more clear here-most of the so’s I’m referring to have sought help and have a pretty good understanding of porn addiction. The groups I’m in are generally people who are trying to heal themselves not just acknowledging their partners issues. I’m sure there are plenty of wives who refuse to admit they may need help. They will not be in a place to talk to you about this.

 

[Deleted Account]

I’m pretty stuck though( personal reasons, but my choice) otherwise I would leave. I don’t believe it ever is over(10yrs and you chose to relapse? That’s discouraging to me! No judgement, just my thoughts) and I’m tired.

I don’t blame you for your view. I wasn’t thrilled either. But 10 years of sobriety wasn’t giving me anything special. It was still one more day. It’s the feelings of worthlessness and being unlovable that never go away. Honestly I don’t M because I know it doesn’t benefit me. But it’s just an orgasm. No more, no less. The being honest felt deep and different. The standing up and admitting what happened and being willing to own whatever that means, THAT made me feel good inside. It made me feel my worth. It made me feel I could be loved. There was no chaser effect or spiral into shame.

I feel like if I was ever single again, I could definitely find a woman that would desire me. I would just be honest about who I am, what I struggle with, and where it all comes from.
If she loves me it will definitely be for me and not some show I put on. If she rejects me it will be because she knows me and knows what she’s rejecting. Either way I will be honest about who I am.
But honestly if I was single tomorrow I don’t think I would be interested in looking for a romantic relationship anyway.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

I don’t blame you for your view. I wasn’t thrilled either. But 10 years of sobriety wasn’t giving me anything special. It was still one more day. It’s the feelings of worthlessness and being unlovable that never go away. Honestly I don’t M because I know it doesn’t benefit me. But it’s just an orgasm. No more, no less. The being honest felt deep and different. The standing up and admitting what happened and being willing to own whatever that means, THAT made me feel good inside. It made me feel my worth. It made me feel I could be loved. There was no chaser effect or spiral into shame.

I feel like if I was ever single again, I could definitely find a woman that would desire me. I would just be honest about who I am, what I struggle with, and where it all comes from.
If she loves me it will definitely be for me and not some show I put on. If she rejects me it will be because she knows me and knows what she’s rejecting. Either way I will be honest about who I am.
But honestly if I was single tomorrow I don’t think I would be interested in looking for a romantic relationship anyway.

I actually should have worded that better, you slipped you didn’t relapse. A relapse would be you lying and hiding it. To you it’s just MO, and really as long as you brush yourself off and don’t go back to your addiction, no harm no foul. But to the partner it’s not. It’s so much pain that the addict never experiences unless their partner turns around and rejects them. Only when your partner chooses someone or something else do you get a taste of what you have made them feel. If you are sober, it hurts, if not you are just numb to it and still don’t understand. It’s just disheartening as the partner to see so many addicts choose the addiction over them. To see so few success stories. Like you, I will never be in another romantic relationship. I’m so glad you see the true value in honesty. Living true to yourself is self care and self love. It’s the best place to be and any never learn that.