Fun story about relapse

[Deleted Account]

But to the partner it’s not. It’s so much pain that the addict never experiences unless their partner turns around and rejects them.

Yeah, getting rejected is incredibly painful. I’ve experienced that for years.
I know your experience was different from my wife because you desired to have sex often with your husband but he didn’t want it.
So he was choosing pmo over you. That would be painful.
I never chose pmo instead of my wife. I was always ready whenever wherever and attentive to her enjoyment. She has said this. But she just didn’t have that much desire. Getting rejected from having connection whether it was physical or emotional has been the #1 thing that has driven my addiction since forever.
It is why therapy has been so effective for me. Currently trying something new. EMDR. Being able to manage emotional pain, especially from rejection, is the thing that will keep me not only in recovery but sane as well
Maybe someday, I will get to the point where it doesn’t hurt at all anymore and I won’t care.

In any case, this is probably why my wife doesn’t really care that much about the pmo stuff. It didn’t result in her rejection. She didn’t feel like she was competing with images from the web. It was simply a moral thing where she judged it because it was porn. That it is simply morally wrong but didn’t judge it as personal or about her at all.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

Yeah, getting rejected is incredibly painful. I’ve experienced that for years.
I know your experience was different from my wife because you desired to have sex often with your husband but he didn’t want it.
So he was choosing pmo over you. That would be painful.
I never chose pmo instead of my wife. I was always ready whenever wherever and attentive to her enjoyment. She has said this. But she just didn’t have that much desire. Getting rejected from having connection whether it was physical or emotional has been the #1 thing that has driven my addiction since forever.
It is why therapy has been so effective for me. Currently trying something new. EMDR. Being able to manage emotional pain, especially from rejection, is the thing that will keep me not only in recovery but sane as well
Maybe someday, I will get to the point where it doesn’t hurt at all anymore and I won’t care.

In any case, this is probably why my wife doesn’t really care that much about the pmo stuff. It didn’t result in her rejection. She didn’t feel like she was competing with images from the web. It was simply a moral thing where she judged it because it was porn. That it is simply morally wrong but didn’t judge it as personal or about her at all.

I don’t think it ever doesn’t hurt to be rejected. You can cope with it better. You can understand it isn’t about you. But, your wife rejecting you is going to hurt. If it doesn’t, do you really care about her? Usually it stops hurting when you stop caring or detach emotionally. I was actually saying your experience with your wife is much the same as my husband. It’s doesn’t matter why you’re rejected, it hurts no matter the reason. Your wife is choosing her comfort over you. That’s essentially what my husband did, chose his comfort over me.

 

[+TenPercent]

I read this thread earlier and it hasn't been sitting right with me.

What I write might be upsetting to some. I just want to say that I love and value everyone who has participated in this thread. Each of you have helped me in my struggles to recover from porn and compulsive masturbation.

To the OP, yeah the word "fun" was a poor choice. But dang, good on you for coming clean on here right away and coming clean with your sponsor. That's what people in recovery do when they have a slip (and of course what they do before having a slip. And double dang wow, ten years!! That's amazing.

What makes me uncomfortable is to see others berating someone for masturbating once in ten years. And to see anyone berating themselves for masturbating once in ten years. There are probably millions of non-addicts who have masturbated more often than that! Once in ten years (I've never made it much farther than half a year) is impressive, as is the accountability and the follow up that was demonstrated here.

You can all tear into me if I slip with MO in the next year. Please do. I need it. I'm recovering from a daily habit and I need your reminders to help me stay on track. But if I slip after 10 years, I really hope that I will receive more praise and support rather than admonition. I know it's not okay to masturbate. But we are also fallible human beings.

I just hope we can focus more on the ten years of steadfast restraint rather than the one moment of weakness.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

I read this thread earlier and it hasn't been sitting right with me.

What I write might be upsetting to some. I just want to say that I love and value everyone who has participated in this thread. Each of you have helped me in my struggles to recover from porn and compulsive masturbation.

To the OP, yeah the word "fun" was a poor choice. But dang, good on you for coming clean on here right away and coming clean with your sponsor. That's what people in recovery do when they have a slip (and of course what they do before having a slip. And double dang wow, ten years!! That's amazing.

What makes me uncomfortable is to see others berating someone for masturbating once in ten years. And to see anyone berating themselves for masturbating once in ten years. There are probably millions of non-addicts who have masturbated more often than that! Once in ten years (I've never made it much farther than half a year) is impressive, as is the accountability and the follow up that was demonstrated here.

You can all tear into me if I slip with MO in the next year. Please do. I need it. I'm recovering from a daily habit and I need your reminders to help me stay on track. But if I slip after 10 years, I really hope that I will receive more praise and support rather than admonition. I know it's not okay to masturbate. But we are also fallible human beings.

I just hope we can focus more on the ten years of steadfast restraint rather than the one moment of weakness.

It’s because it’s part of a destructive addiction. If an alcoholic had a drink after 10 years he would get the same response. It’s not the one drink in 10 years, it’s the slippery slope of possibly returning to full blown addiction. I personally feel this addiction is much more sinister because of how easy it is to fall back to worse than before. The lie “ it’s only one time in x amount of years, or I deserve this for going so long, or it’s only this one time, or it’s only just once”. Addicts can’t risk the one time.

 

[PixelPrincess]

I don’t blame you for your view. I wasn’t thrilled either. But 10 years of sobriety wasn’t giving me anything special. It was still one more day. It’s the feelings of worthlessness and being unlovable that never go away. Honestly I don’t M because I know it doesn’t benefit me. But it’s just an orgasm. No more, no less. The being honest felt deep and different. The standing up and admitting what happened and being willing to own whatever that means, THAT made me feel good inside. It made me feel my worth. It made me feel I could be loved. There was no chaser effect or spiral into shame.

I feel like if I was ever single again, I could definitely find a woman that would desire me. I would just be honest about who I am, what I struggle with, and where it all comes from.
If she loves me it will definitely be for me and not some show I put on. If she rejects me it will be because she knows me and knows what she’s rejecting. Either way I will be honest about who I am.
But honestly if I was single tomorrow I don’t think I would be interested in looking for a romantic relationship anyway.

isn’t that the truth lol. At my age I always think if my marriage doesn’t work, I’m just heading out to the mountains and living amongst the trees.

 

[PixelPrincess]

So fun story…
I relapsed last night by masturbating for the first time in almost 10 years. The difference this time was I wasn’t going to hide or lie. I called my AP today and we met and talked about it. I don’t feel an guilt or shame at this point because I was honest. Porn was not involved, just some wicked stress and I woke up in the middle of the night and I was already starting to M I think. Hard to remember. But I could have stopped and I didn’t.
Wife has asked me not to share anything about my recovery or relapses or anything. But if she ever does ask I will be honest. I will also be able to say I handled the relapse appropriately. Honesty is the big thing. Masturbation doesn’t define me but my honesty does.

I’m sorry that happened. It’s great that you got the support you needed!

Not that you have to share, but do you know what caused it? Was the slippery slope very long and drawn out? I was a frequent relapser in AA for awhile and I’m always trying to understand my husband in relation to this issue.

My thoughts were like, “I’m probably not really an addict”, or “I’m so tired of recovery”, or “I’ll start over after XYZ (event, concern, etc) is done”.

Very rarely were my thoughts like, “I deserve…” or “I don’t care” or “I just really want the taste of vodka” (lol!).

Just curious about the thoughts behind this type of situation. I’m guessing it’s similar but alcohol is so different. P addiction has different roots, it’s a different demon.

Anyway, good for you on your response. That’s an amazing effort. It would be so easy to slip back in at this point. Do you have a plan for the next few weeks to make sure you’re not slipping?

Thinking of you!

 

[Deleted Account]

Not that you have to share, but do you know what caused it? Was the slippery slope very long and drawn out? I was a frequent relapser in AA for awhile and I’m always trying to understand my husband in relation to this issue.

I was asking myself about that. It was a tough week. A lot of stuff adding to my stress. Mostly it was my wife being extra disconnected. But also some new therapy I’ve been working on digging into childhood and bringing up a lot of feelings. That made it harder to tolerate the disconnection. I was managing the emotions pretty well, I just woke up half dreaming and feeling kind of hopeless. I didn’t have the brain power in the moment to make a good decision. I might have been starting to M in my sleep. Not sure. But I know I could have stopped before I finished but in that moment I just didn’t care and I slipped up. I didn’t really comprehend what had happened fully until I got up to get cleaned up. But then I resolved pretty quickly to just make sure I owned it and was honest. I don’t want any secrets.

Anyway, good for you on your response. That’s an amazing effort. It would be so easy to slip back in at this point. Do you have a plan for the next few weeks to make sure you’re not slipping?

I’ve been pretty successful for quite a while, so nothing extra different. I’m not really worried about slipping. I have a plan to process any urges without avoiding the feelings. But that’s been my method for quite a while. The internal feelings are hard to explain, but I am feeling so connected to my friends right now because of knowing that I’m not hiding anything. I know they can really see me. It makes me know that my wife’s accusations are false and I am worthy. It’s a really contented feeling.

 

[Deleted Account]

I read this thread earlier and it hasn't been sitting right with me.

What I write might be upsetting to some. I just want to say that I love and value everyone who has participated in this thread. Each of you have helped me in my struggles to recover from porn and compulsive masturbation.

To the OP, yeah the word "fun" was a poor choice. But dang, good on you for coming clean on here right away and coming clean with your sponsor. That's what people in recovery do when they have a slip (and of course what they do before having a slip. And double dang wow, ten years!! That's amazing.

What makes me uncomfortable is to see others berating someone for masturbating once in ten years. And to see anyone berating themselves for masturbating once in ten years. There are probably millions of non-addicts who have masturbated more often than that! Once in ten years (I've never made it much farther than half a year) is impressive, as is the accountability and the follow up that was demonstrated here.

You can all tear into me if I slip with MO in the next year. Please do. I need it. I'm recovering from a daily habit and I need your reminders to help me stay on track. But if I slip after 10 years, I really hope that I will receive more praise and support rather than admonition. I know it's not okay to masturbate. But we are also fallible human beings.

I just hope we can focus more on the ten years of steadfast restraint rather than the one moment of weakness.

Thanks for trying to defend me. I appreciate the concern. But I don’t feel piled on at all. I made a mistake. I took care of it. That’s it.
I totally understand how triggering it is to SOs though. They are seeing it through a very scary lens.
It makes sense.

 

[Deleted Account]

My thoughts were like, “I’m probably not really an addict”, or “I’m so tired of recovery”, or “I’ll start over after XYZ (event, concern, etc) is done”.

Very rarely were my thoughts like, “I deserve…” or “I don’t care” or “I just really want the taste of vodka” (lol!).

Just curious about the thoughts behind this type of situation. I’m guessing it’s similar but alcohol is so different. P addiction has different roots, it’s a different demon.

it’s amazing that you are working recovery from alcoholism. I wish my dad would have done that. It would have really saved me a lot of trauma growing up.
P is probably different. I detailed the feelings and process in the other thread. But I saw you posted there so you probably already saw it.
I don’t find most things to do with P desirable at all. Definitely don’t enjoy watching people have sex. I’m just interested in body parts really.
Comparing and the feeling that I don’t know what “normal” is. Some stuff to work out in therapy. Childhood to teenager stuff. Amazing how the feelings cling on even when you become an adult.
Anyway, yes there is dopamine when I see beautiful naked women. There is also dopamine from orgasm when I M. But they are separate for me. I don’t do either (except for this slip) but when I used to, they were almost always separate things. But both served to numb out feelings of worthlessness or being unlovable. So if I am triggered by being excluded or feeling like I don’t matter that is when I need to be on guard and process those emotions in a healthy way.

 

[+TenPercent]

@Psalm27:1my light @Thor God of Thunder @PixelPrincess

I'm a recovering alcoholic as well. I know that I can't have "just one drink". I appreciate being reminded that we really can't afford to have "just one M". I also appreciate what was said about the incredibly low success rate of sex addiction and porn addiction. I haven't had a drink in almost 20 years but I have spent over a decade trying to get PMO under control. I did better with total abstinence and I can resist M better if I refrain from O. But, as I have written in other threads, I really struggle with the urges to M after having an O during sexual intimacy with my partner.

But I'm working on it. Not the most impressive recovery report but: 4 porn slips in the last 3 1/2 years, learning to resist M and at 78 days now, and most important, starting to have regular weekly intimacy with my partner (a big improvement from every month or two).

So often on here I see young men and women, often single, aim for no masturbation at all and then slip within a few weeks or less. I try to encourage them to get back up and keep trying. Its so much better than doing it every day! And trying again and again after 2 weeks can turn into 2 months, 2 years . . .

I'm also in SLAA. 10 years is a rare and impressive accomplishment. And "many of us do recover if we have the capacity to be honest". I am impressed with the honesty that I have seen here. I am impressed with the SO's who support recovery by sharing their experience. And I love hearing how the OP is taking full responsibility for his actions and how he feels about being honest, truthful, accountable and connected. Connection is the counterbalance to addiction. Thank you all for your posts.

 

[PixelPrincess]

@Psalm27:1my light @Thor God of Thunder @PixelPrincess

I'm a recovering alcoholic as well. I know that I can't have "just one drink". I appreciate being reminded that we really can't afford to have "just one M". I also appreciate what was said about the incredibly low success rate of sex addiction and porn addiction. I haven't had a drink in almost 20 years but I have spent over a decade trying to get PMO under control. I did better with total abstinence and I can resist M better if I refrain from O. But, as I have written in other threads, I really struggle with the urges to M after having an O during sexual intimacy with my partner.

But I'm working on it. Not the most impressive recovery report but: 4 porn slips in the last 3 1/2 years, learning to resist M and at 78 days now, and most important, starting to have regular weekly intimacy with my partner (a big improvement from every month or two).

So often on here I see young men and women, often single, aim for no masturbation at all and then slip within a few weeks or less. I try to encourage them to get back up and keep trying. Its so much better than doing it every day! And trying again and again after 2 weeks can turn into 2 months, 2 years . . .

I'm also in SLAA. 10 years is a rare and impressive accomplishment. And "many of us do recover if we have the capacity to be honest". I am impressed with the honesty that I have seen here. I am impressed with the SO's who support recovery by sharing their experience. And I love hearing how the OP is taking full responsibility for his actions and how he feels about being honest, truthful, accountable and connected. Connection is the counterbalance to addiction. Thank you all for your posts.

Congrats on your recovery! It’s interesting to me how addictions can shift to another form. I see a lot of people in AA that need to recover from other latent addictions like sex or eating. I turned into a raging smoker which I’m working on now. I also really liked my nightly joint until recently. It’s maybe always something for us but my sponsor says that it’s all part of the process of healing and a really good sign which doesn’t feel true but is. I think she said something about unearthing spiritual disease and purging. Don’t really remember.

I thought counting days was really dumb at first. This is probably hard for spouses to reconcile (me too with p use!!) but fewer slip ups are amazing progress and sometimes in the beginning, counting days was more discouraging than anything. I still did it but the years I spent restarting was demoralizing. It was ultimately that discomfort that made me more committed to change.

I guess my point is that while it is discouraging to deal with relapse especially as a betrayed and hurt partner, I agree that the major reduction is an amazing feat. That’s why so far I haven’t asked for updates from my husband. I don’t want the pain of hearing about a relapse and I don’t accidentally heap guilt on my partner out of my own pain. He either has enough guilt on his own, or he’d probably lie anyway. I can’t do anything about either. But this is spoken from someone new to this and currently I believe things are well so take that with a grain of salt.

 

[Real Jerry Seinfeld]

Ten years is crazy, I've never gone above two. No shame, incredible innings, just got to make it eleven next time.