Hello everyone, I have been on here for over a month now and have been reading posts, journals etc.. going to links for articles posted and watching videos. I have found a few people on here I can relate to and have been reading their posts which has inspired me. I now know I am not alone and like a lot on here have been given way too many chances as I have lied and PMO'd even after promising to never do it again. Way too many DDays. I did not understand the betrayal trauma I had created and thought my wife was just crazy, she was, because of ME! I have after reading other SO's posts and journals started to realise what damage I have done. My wife to me is an angel for the shit I have put her through. To me she is the most beautiful, intelligent, caring, sexy and supportive person especially considering all I have put her through. I knew all along that she was the only one I wanted, I did not actually desire sex with anyone else but still I PMO'd. I should have learned this a lot earlier and should have seen the pain and trauma I was causing. She tried and tried to get me to be more open and communicate with her more as she knew something was wrong. I thought I was doing ok as I worked and supported our family, helped out and had sex with her, what else could she want! What a bloody idiot I was. Here was a beautiful soul who was willing to share her life with me and I would rather look at a screen and M to it. I now can not believe what I did but am trying to make up for it by NEVER looking at P or M again and by being there for her. So from here on out I am being honest with her, talking to her daily, have been writing my daily intentions post and have been doing around 4 - 6 hours a week on working on recovery. This is just a start as I work on making these into habits. I have been wanting to write a journal, I did start but failed earlier on. SO from now on I want to write a journal everyday on how I am going and what I am doing to recover. I am currently over 60 days P free, my counter I reset as I M'd due to fighting with wife and us not having sex so I succumbed when the pressure got to much. She knew straight away and I honestly owned up, trying to justify as we were not having sex, what a cop out. We discussed this and I learned that this is not acceptable and since then have not had any issues, I have had some urges and thoughts but luckily not too bad. I am hoping with the support of the Nofap community and my wife I can become PM free.