Gaslighting/stonewalling, What do you think?

I'm asking for opinions and thoughts on how I should approach this situation. I'll try to keep this as brief and to the point as possible.

Last month I had a conversation with my PA boyfriend about boundaries and triggers. I had told him I no longer want to use accountability software because it was driving me crazy and he kept relapsing and using porn substitutes anyway. I felt that it wasn't really teaching him accountability and it was putting me in a position of taking responsibility for him. I told him that I need full honesty and transparency, that I understand there will be struggles and mistakes but I need him to come forward with it. I didn't want to go digging for answers anymore.

He told me he was not watching television because this has been a trigger before. He mentioned a few other things such as unfollowing people on facebook that are making scandalous posts, videos or pictures, etcetera.

Last week I discovered racey videos in his activity on Facebook. He said they were from a sports radio station he started following last month. So I went to the page and saw that there are a ton of posts featuring racey photos and videos. He told me the videos play automatically as you're scrolling. I unfollow the page for him.

I of course am suspicious from previous relapsing, previously using porn substitutes, lying, secrets, etcetera. I texted him with my concern, I asked him if he's not watching television because it's a trigger then how is scrolling past racey videos and pictures not. I asked him why he would put himself in that position, especially after our talk. He said I was right, that he shouldn't have followed that page. I asked him why he did it anyway and why he didn't tell me about it knowing that I layed out clear boundaries. He said, "Bye then. You are just starting a fight. I am in a meeting right now, and you are having an episode". I found this to be dismissive and wrong considering our history. Why not just say we can talk about it later? To me it's a lot like walking on eggshells. So I called him out on it. He said he wasn't avoiding anything, he was in a meeting, that he wasn't looking at that page, that I don't know how to communicate and that I was freaking out.

I feel like I shouldn't bottle up my concerns or suspicions. I am still questioning everything, including my own intuition. It can be an impossible position to be in and I'm trying to stay grounded. I get if he's busy, so just say so and get back with me later. Does this or does this not sound manipulating?

 

Well said, I need to be more aware of this and not let it distract me.

 

That's what I was thinking. I should be able to come to him and he needs to respect that. I think his defensiveness is what's getting in the way of communicating.

 

Can you please direct me to them. I'm new here. Not sure I'll find these videos.

 

Doubting my intuition is definitely out the door now. I found another porn substitute video on his computer. Even worse, it was on a day he wasn't returning my texts and said he was busy running errands. This time he couldn't say it was a video that automatically started when scrolling because YouTube shows you how much you watched. When I asked him about it again he denied it, told me I was trying to start an argument, started downplaying it by saying it was a 6 minute video a month ago(it was 2 weeks ago), and told me to leave. This behavior only makes him look more guilty. Who knows what else he's probably hiding. I'm very aware of his patterns and if he's leaving some evidence behind most likely there's a lot more going on. He's already lost all my trust and now I'm afraid I'm losing all hope.