Gay experience from gay porn ...but I'm straight

I am young guy 26 which identifies as straight I've only had girlfriends and currently have one right now.

Throughout my life browsing all the different porn websites I got the most interested in public nudity and exhibitionism at first. I've also gotten many compliments from girls on having a tall and slim body but having a nice round butt for a guy. Obviously my interest in exhibitionism porn coupled with the compliments of having a nice body has made me want to go out and be naughty and get naked in front of someone. Obviously I feel terrible about cheating on my girlfriend with a girl but for some reason I didn't feel as bad stripping in front of a guy.....

At first in university I found some chat rooms where there would be gay older men with really perverted thoughts looking for younger guys, the idea of getting naked for them was such a turn on that I eventually started turning on my webcam for the random older guy here and there. I ended up stripping and dancing for a couple of guys that were up to 3 times my age in their 50's and 60s. I'd get up and show them myself naked and eventually masturbated for them to, everytime I finished and came I would realize instantly "WTF am I doing, turnoff the webcam ASAP and try to forget about it"....

eventually this turned into me wanting to do it for guys in person so I started looking into public places and beaches where guys meet up to have fun, as usual I found older guys because they had the most interest in being a voyeur for a younger guy. So I've met up at a nude beach and forests during the day with older guys and getting naked and masturbating for them. Again after being done, feeling absolutely terrible and like i'm hiding something horrible from people and they have no idea who I really am or what my interests are. If I were to know some other guy was getting naked and masturbating for an older guy's pleasure I would think so little of them but for somereason I justify doing it myself than forgetting about it …..

Things eventually got worse and I startedgetting into pegging porn and finding the idea of a guy getting anal'd by a girl to be really humiliating and a turn on at the same time. Eventually I found a girl on Tinder who was into giving prostate massages and wearing a strap on as well. I convinced myself for a while I would be crazy to do something like that because it's so embarrassing and awkward but watching the porn just made me want it in real life. I eventually tried it with her and I enjoyed it because of the whole idea of it. we did it a few times and I was addicted to it but not proud of it at all and completely ashamed, I thought of it as gay because it was the concept of havinga penis inside you even though it was by a girl.

My urge for public exhibitionism didn'tstop at the same time so I ended up meeting a 50 year old masculine 6 foot 3 guy at a secluded beach. This guy was a complete stranger to me but I talked to him about my experiences with the tinder girl and the stapon, I eventually as usual teased him and got naked for him on the beach and moved around and rubbed myself for him and he enjoyed it a lot. I obviously got excited of this. This is when the final worse part of all happened, he started to talk to me about my experience with the strapon and if I enjoyed it. HE was telling me the girl must of loved it because I had such a beautiful bum . He said he'd love to strapon me but he doesnt have one and I just laughed cause I was thinking why the hell would a guy wear a strapon . Than he came behind me and started feeling my butt. He put his finger in and told me it will feel just like a strapon even better but I told him I'm not gay but he convinced me it's the same thing and not to worry about it . With some of the oil I had he put his penis in my butt , than after he got a little disrespectful and started calling me a slut and saying that I love it . Than he called me a faggot.....said that I shoidlbt label myself as straight if I'm taking it up the ass and getting hard from it , he laughed at me saying a straight guy doesnt bend over like a bitch , he wasn't violent just very verbal . Without my permission he came inside me and said "whoops well at least theres no confusion around whether you're gay or straight, a straight guy wouldn't have another man's cum in his ass" and laughed .

 

It was the submission and wrongness of it that made me want to so it , a part of me wanted to be fucked like a girl

 

I want to but knowing that I had another mans penis is my ass and he ejaculated in me and laughed at me makes me feel like I cam never be a man

 

Thanks for the advice man ! I get a little sensitive around homosexuality now or if someone makes a gay joke because I know I have no right to talk about that given what I've done . It's good to have someone to talk to about this given I can't talk to anyone in my life about it because it's a secret. I feel that I should share the complete truth, in addition to that first time receiving anal sex I've also performed oral sex on an older man before, and embarrassingly I did it while wearing women panties and shaving

 

Just everything, the guy I was with preferred smooth shaven guys so both my face and my private areas

 

Thank's man, I know it's weird and messed up but I just kept on looking for more and more fucked up porn until watching it wasn't good enough for me. I wanted to be in it and that's when I started finding people to act it out with me and there were definatley enough older guys willing....

 

I know...… It's hard to forgive myself since technically by not telling anyone I know about it I am still lying and hiding it. They don't define me but at the same time there are men that are way stronger mentally that would have never let themselves fall into this situation.

I am trying a full reboot but it is soo hard, how do I not jack off everytime I am alone? how do I not think about these situations and get horny

 

See I was in your situation where I just used to think about doing gay acts with a man but eventually it wasn't enough than I started to watch gay porn and than I wanted to try it with someone, I didn't meet up with him to try this but eventually he convinced me and a part of me wanted to do it.

 

I am somewhat ok, not trying to kill myself or anything like that , but I am just ashamed and embarrassed. Also, feel a little used. My desires have definatley been warped by porn because they are no where close to the sexual desires I have 10 years ago when I was 16 years old.

hmm i'm not sure what emotional issues from my past would have caused me to do this? any idea?

I will definatley check out the "your brain on porn" site, I've heard about it and I agree it's a real addiction