Gay Man Wondering if Taking on PM challenge Will Boost Attraction and Poly Questions

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by trustwillcarryus, Jan 6, 2020.

  1. trustwillcarryus

    trustwillcarryus New Fapstronaut

    i have spent over a year overcoming addictions and compulsions. first, it was substance-related. i had large buy-in to knowing the detrimental risks that i was taking and it was definitely helpful in overcoming the substance issues. i also had to overcome a serious love addiction and exit out of an emotionally abusive relationship. a year has almost passed with a lot of success in those areas, but now i am troubled with the pm addiction. somehow, despite also being in the process of recovering from cancer and having had 3 surgeries this year, i also decided to try out a very healthy supportive relationship for which I am finding it difficult to keep a sense of physical attraction. Serious though, this guy sets a really high bar. Literally flying across oceans and sleeping by my bed in the hospital. I would ideally like to maximize my attraction to him. although i decided to tackle the substance and love addiction pieces, the jury was out on the PMO-related content and it still is.... Bringing me to question 1:

    Do any of you have recommendations for readings or educational videos regarding the true and deep value of taking on PMO?
    I mean more than what's on the reboot page. I need some serious buy-in to effectively make this commitment to self. Spiritual texts welcome (although probably not Christian one because I used this religion to shame myself growing up so I would have a hard time finding it sex positive). HUGE neuroscience/psychology junkie! These perspectives serve me!

    You see, I have been struggling with finding physical attraction with the new guy who treats me like gold. He comes from a monogamous background and I come from an open relationship mindset and we have agreed to meet in the middle in due time (ie playing with others together). That time is not here yet and I have finally navigated the monogamous pieces fairly well (took some therapy to get there too), but it has channeled a lot of my compulsivity into PM. Which also makes me wonder, do some find an increase in PM when entering a monogamous relationship?

    The relationship is very new and I am doing my best to try. And certainly, people find out as they date in a more committed way that sometimes they aren't a match for any of the reasons (ie physical, emotional, spiritual, goals, etc. etc). My physical attraction is almost entirely gone with him the more I feel a piece of me (yes, probably the addict piece) is being more suffocated. I use to get attention thru social media, my job, etc., and I have tabled all of that (for once!), but I don't like it. Yet, simultaneously, I know with this guy that I want to give my 100% before exiting. Even though, my PMO tendencies have never really burdened me in an unmanageable way, I find it difficult to even do an experiment of no PM for say a couple of weeks to see if it affects my attraction partly because something doesn't click in my head the way it did with substance or the love addiction. Admitedly, I have been celebrated by many men for my virility, which is partly a wound of masculinity - seeking literature on this theme too), and maybe that's part of the problem? Do you think me knowing that there are other men who would let me keep these compulsions, if not celebrate them, is part of my lack of attraction? Or is this part of addict thinking? How do I know for sure?

    i want to see this guy thru his character and the way he treats me - because it's pretty spectacular. like living a real life gay version of "Love Actually." And let's be honest for the sake of wanting good feedback, he is actually a good looking guy - this isn't a me settling way below my bar. Certainly different than the types of guys I have gone for in my past, but still good looking. He doesn't have quite a sex addict past like I do and his sex is a bit more gentle than what I am use to, but then again I have spent the last five years being part of the "Miami/NYC gets to sleep with whom he wants cause of his looks" crowd. frankly during that time I had plenty of sexy with pornstars and kind of went for that intensity over intimacy. So this kind of mental landscape (of not only watching pornography but experiencing a lot of my sex as such) is also part of why I wonder if I should experiment with a PMO reboot? Have you found that PMO reboots increased your physical attraction to your partners?

    Is there anyone here that has taken a PMO reboot and is non-monogamous and found benefit?
    Anyone with open relationship perspectives and NoFap experience please reach out.
    I am seriously interested about the sociosexual experience that I feel that's being lost in forming this relationship, but don't know how to differentiate that from potential compulsive and faulty thinking.
  2. primaljade

    primaljade Fapstronaut

    I've been non-monogamous for many years now.

    When I was monogamous, I did a ton of PMO. Now that I'm non-monogamous, I still do a ton of PMO. Still trying to do another reboot, but can't say that there's been an overwhelming change in how I felt about my other partners. With PMO, I haven't had any PIED issues, or felt less attracted to my partners (as long as they stay in shape over time).

    But, I have gotten very clear understanding of the types of women I know I'll lose attraction for after 3 dates, versus those who keep me lusty for years.

    I would not become monogamous again, that ship sailed long ago.

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