Gay porn addict for 15 years, Turning a new leaf.

I've been a furry porn addict since I was twelve. I used to fap at least twice a day and would browse porn an roleplay with other users for hours, sometimes taking up a whole day of time. My tastes started out more tame and eventually got more twisted and novel as time went on. I've tried nofap before but it ended around 30 days and eventually relapsed into the same old bad habits.

I've decided to try again. Last week I was browsing and fapping in bed with my phone. At some point I froze and asked myself in my head how much longer was this going to go on. I stopped before orgasming and turned off my phone. I thought hard about where I would be if I kept this addiction for the next five years, and how miserable day to day life will be. I also thought about what I could accomplish if I stop wasting my time and energy on useless porn-watching, and decided I wanted to move forward again.

This time I would do it right. I would delete all my porn-related accounts to start, delete anything I made myself (I'm an artist and used to draw porn for myself and others until I realized that I was unhappy with it all). One most important thing I did was I cut ties with any porn-related connections immediately. Last time I quit fapping, I kept them in contact and it's what eventually lead to my relapse. This time I have to cut them out for good, so I don't get roped back in.

I'm gay, and I have a long distance relationship. I love my boyfriend a lot, and I'm not insecure about my sexual performance (though it could be better for sure). What I'm most interested in is taking back my day to day life, and return to drawing meaningful things without feeling insecure about myself. I want to get my career in order. I want to try and get back on track before I end up losing myself, my job, and my relationship to my addiction.

So far it's been seven days. I haven't looked at porn, masturbated, or had an orgasm once. I've been very careful to even block out any arousing fantasies as soon as they pop up. It's been tough, but it's much easier than letting my thoughts dance around in my head until I can't ignore my urges anymore. I think this is what they call 'Monk Mode'. The only time I've had them is when I'm sleeping, usually closer to when I wake up. It's tough in that instance but I try and let the fantasizes pass by as soon as I'm conscious.

My goal isn't to shame other for their kinks or feel ashamed of mine. In hindsight, I believe I've had strange tastes since I was really young. I accept that I'm weird in some substantial ways and always will be. My choice isn't to hate who I am, but to not let who I am determine how I should act in the future. And I don't hold a grudge against anyone else who is into kinky things and uses porn. This is a personal journey for myself, to become more productive and present in the world, to live with less fear in my daily interactions and confrontations. To rediscover the passion and love of drawing that I lost to my addictions. This is for good. I don't want to set a date where I start using again. I'd prefer to never use porn again. I'm sure there will be a screw up at some point, but the point is to remove it as a habit once and for all. I hope writing on here and sharing some of my experiences will help with the recover, and perhaps help with anyone else in a similar situation.

My username is Sneaking_Marley. I chose this because I have a tendency to sneak and rationalize my way back to bad habits. Before I know it, I'll have completely derailed from my good habits. Marley refers to Jacob Marley from the Christmas Carol. A man who cheated and swindled in his life, only to haunt Scrooge in the afterlife, a ghost burdened with the choices he made in his life. It's something to remind me everyday that I will strive to avoid a similar fate. Here's a quote from Marley to Scrooge that you can find online pretty easily with a web search, and I thought it'd fit well for me on this journey to recovery:

"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard; I girded it on of my own free will, and of my own free will I wore it."