Gay porn affected thoughts came back stronger than ever

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Parasite, Dec 2, 2020.

  1. Parasite

    Parasite Fapstronaut

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    Hello everyone, since my previous thread I've been in an unsuccessful loop. My biggest PMO free record was 5 days. Anyway, I started again to think about be penetrated and used by some older stranger. I even thought about seeing him in person and do the work. But every time I think about it I get extremely aroused and jerk off on pictures he sends me, and after ejaculation, I feel disguised. I know I shouldn't think about it, but it's easier said than done. I'm like sitting there and thinking about how there's no way that I masturbate to that again... 10 minutes later I relapse.
    My question is how can I stop/block those thoughts?
     
  2. Forthey

    Forthey Fapstronaut

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    Hola

    yo inicie mi proceso de recuperación hoy, incluso leer tu mensaje me produjo morbo, lo que es un desafío para mí porque quiero deshacerme de él, sé que esta mal y estoy respondiéndote como aquel amigo que desea que también te recuperes, intenta de todo, nunca se acaban los recursos de ayuda, eso creó, eso debemos creer, intentarlo hasta el último palpitar. ¡Tú puedes!

    Escucha buena música, ejercítate, estudia, comparte con quien quieres, mira series interesantes, dibuja, pinta, baila, toca guitarra, lee, juega sudoku o ajedrez, voleibol o tennis

    animo soy nuevo pero aquí estoy...
     
    Parasite likes this.
  3. JoeinUSA

    JoeinUSA Fapstronaut

    You cannot block the thoughts, but you'll need to work through the thoughts. It sounds like a sexualized fantasy that really has nothing to do with sex. Rather, you may have some woundedness inside you from your past where your own masculinity was injured or you may have lost a nurturing father's love as a child or you may have been abused by a male or something else in your past. It is this wound that you're trying to make whole, the need for masculine nurturance and intimacy/love which ultimately is symbolized as sex in fantasy but is not really about sex at all. Many times, sex is symbolic of a need for relationship, nurturance, or love or an escape from loneliness even. PMO and other addictions are poor behaviors in which we try to sooth and self-medicate such inner wounds, but they do not do the job. You must come to a realization of what your sexual fantasies represent, why you have them, and what purpose they serve. You should be at peace with your inner need and not be shocked by the thoughts, even though you don't act on them either. You then need to grow in greater self-love and self-embrace of your inner wounds so that you no longer need addictions to unsuccessfully substitute for these. Does any of this sound factual to your experience?

    .
     
  4. Parasite

    Parasite Fapstronaut

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    Well, I had very good childhood so I don't think that's the case. But I remember when I had sexual intercourse and a couple of days later I wouldn't have to masturbate and didn't have problematic thoughts either. I think the best solution would be to find a girlfriend, but I don't want to because I would like to fix my brain and prepare for a long-term relationship.
     
    Timecop likes this.
  5. JoeinUSA

    JoeinUSA Fapstronaut

    Yes, it's good to think in the long term for a relationship. Being codependent (with broken neediness) in a relationship or imagining that a relationship will fix you would be the same addictive self need of trying to fix self with PMO or other addictions; it's not a relationship grounded on a solid foundation of personal wholeness from which you can give yourself to another. A girlfriend doesn't fix this. Many guys find that out the hard way. One cannot escape the inner work that one needs to do on one's own; namely, work through what your sexual fantasies represent, why you have them, and what purpose they serve. Fantasizing about being anally satisfied by an unknown older man is not a natural occurrence in the order of things. Something that's not on the table has brought about this fantasy in your psyche. I'm sure that watching porn greatly fed it, but why that fantasy and why that direction? It serves an unspoken need within you that's better discovered and dealt with (embracing oneself) before one can ever embrace another. Best wishes!

    .
     
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  6. Little Prince

    Little Prince Fapstronaut

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    I had the same issue, found a trans woman, set up a meet but luckily it was weeks away so by that time I had recovered enough to not go through with it. I have tried and failed for years, what eventually worked for me was giving up other things I was addicted to such as video games, memes, video compilations, then giving up porn videos and gradually other forms of porn.
     
    exsoldier, Parasite and PeterNF.01 like this.
  7. Parasite

    Parasite Fapstronaut

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    It's so sick especially when you're horny as fuck and start M. You think about that as something normal which you should try. It's literally like a fucking drug. For me, the most stimulating part is when I think about how humiliated would be during that encounter and how much pleasure would I give him. It's utterly sick because I've never fantasized about being submissive, not in that kinda way. I think I passed the last level of dopamine provocation on screen, and now my brain wants something real and more stimulating. Sometimes I ask myself what would I do if I did that. How sick would I feel after a real encounter compared to imaginary? I mean it's not something you can just forget as something that never happened. It will scar me for the rest of my life. I'm really worried about the next days and months. What if I relapse again and even decide to meet that old man who is just a few clicks away?
     
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  8. JoeinMD has some really good advice here. I would suggest giving it some more thought. And just because you had a “good childhood” doesn’t mean you don’t have deep emotional scars. I also had a “good childhood” but have been addicted to porn for over half my life, getting so bad that I have looked at porn at work, even with another person in the room. (And I’m married, so having a GF or some healthy sexually release isn’t an automatic fix).
    but I was never abused, physically or sexually. My dad was around and a good man. No significant trauma. I realized that for me it was likely just my dad’s use of shame to discipline me that scarred me so much. He wasn’t even a jerk about it, he was honestly trying to do the best he could, but shame as discipline was what he knew, so it’s what he passed on to me and my brothers (all three of us are porn addicts). I’m not saying that’s what it is for you; I’m just suggesting doing some real soul searching.
     
    determinedtoquit likes this.
  9. If it's a person, block, delete, and ghost them for your own sanity.
     
    determinedtoquit and Parasite like this.
  10. recoome

    recoome Fapstronaut

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    your brain/life will either grow or stagnate/decay. there is no midway. we can't just be. maybe try therapy. it helped me to some extent. i've started going for morning jogs. while it hasnt 'fixed' me or 'solved' anything, i'm glad i'm doing it.

    maybe do something you like to kill time. like gardening, cooking, dancing, learn some musical instrument, or join a gym, or go for jogging like me.
     
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  11. modernstore99

    modernstore99 Fapstronaut

    They're gonna be around for a while, especially during your reboot. You have to resist the urge to PMO, pleasure yourself, and even just fantasize. Going on a walk/run can help, as well as doing something like 5 pushups whenever you get an urge.

    To permanently get rid fo the urges, you need to do a 90 day reboot, then start having normal sexual relations with women.
     
    Parasite likes this.
  12. modernstore99

    modernstore99 Fapstronaut

    They're gonna be around for a while, especially during your reboot. You have to resist the urge to PMO, pleasure yourself, and even just fantasize. Going on a walk/run can help, as well as doing something like 5 pushups whenever you get an urge.

    To permanently get rid of the urges, you need to do a 90 day reboot, then start having normal sexual relations with women.
     
    Parasite likes this.
  13. Pot3bic

    Pot3bic Fapstronaut

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  14. dragonaire

    dragonaire Fapstronaut

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    Too damn triggering
     
  15. Parasite

    Parasite Fapstronaut

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  16. phwrancesco

    phwrancesco Fapstronaut

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    You can't block the thought. But you can't stop looking at that trash you're looking to.

    Until you decide is time to stop watching that trash, thoughts will hunt you. You'll probably act out too if you aren't fast enough.
     
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