Gay porn or gay love?

[Deleted Account]

First of all thank you for accepting me on this forum, I had a 43-day streak last year and I stopped, now I'm on a 27-day streak because I'm too busy to fap 2 hours a day.
When I was 7 (2003) I found one of my sisters' books, it was a gay one, I read all of it, I thought it was gross but it did feel good down there. Then at 14 I was a mild fapper (straight), I got aroused watching several forms of kickboxing. It all developed into HOCD and gay porn addiction.
I've never felt like it was sexual desire, more like love, I wanted to hug them, kiss them, I've always been lonely, so it probably was part of a desire to have company. The focal point, today I was grappling and I got a friend in a body lock, I immediately got wood so I had to stop.
What do you think? Is there a cure? Should I come out as gay? My religion is not acceptant of homosexuality.

 

[Deleted Account]

Don't overthink it - just because you get a boner on a bus doesn't mean you want to have a relationship with buses.

The gay lifestyle isn't about love, it's about sex, and it's dark.

You said your attraction to kickboxers didn't feel sexual, so follow that instinct.

Love your friends as friends, and save sex for someone you feel you should be having sex with.

 

[Deleted Account]

Don't overthink it - just because you get a boner on a bus doesn't mean you want to have a relationship with buses.

The gay lifestyle isn't about love, it's about sex, and it's dark.

You said your attraction to kickboxers didn't feel sexual, so follow that instinct.

Love your friends as friends, and save sex for someone you feel you should be having sex with.

Thank you

 

[Maximus19]

First of all thank you for accepting me on this forum, I had a 43-day streak last year and I stopped, now I'm on a 27-day streak because I'm too busy to fap 2 hours a day.
When I was 7 (2003) I found one of my sisters' books, it was a gay one, I read all of it, I thought it was gross but it did feel good down there. Then at 14 I was a mild fapper (straight), I got aroused watching several forms of kickboxing. It all developed into HOCD and gay porn addiction.
I've never felt like it was sexual desire, more like love, I wanted to hug them, kiss them, I've always been lonely, so it probably was part of a desire to have company. The focal point, today I was grappling and I got a friend in a body lock, I immediately got wood so I had to stop.
What do you think? Is there a cure? Should I come out as gay? My religion is not acceptant of homosexuality.

I think you may be gay or bisexual, but then again, only you can be the one to truly know this (or accept this). Never ever let someone say what you are or aren't, as this is something that only you should be able to determine.

The reason I say that you may indeed by gay or bisexual is because instead of just sexual desire, you said you also had romantic feelings and attractions too. This is a big giveaway sign imo, and the fact that you got aroused by two men kickboxing is also a massive giveaway sign. A straight man may have a gay fantasy, but very rarely will get turned on my men in a non-sexual setting. I myself have questioned my sexuality a lot, however I haven't really had this romantic and softcore attraction to men that you have. Then again, I have had the urge to kiss a man before, but it is interesting to note that I was going through very low self-esteem and a lot of anxiety, and this I have found can sometimes be due to feeling emasculated. However, you getting an erection when grappling with a male friend isn't something a straight man would get.

I defo think the religious guilt is making it much more depressing and confusing (I know it well, my mum is a toxic religious fundamentalist who is very homophobic), so maybe spend time on improving your outlook on homosexuality, and how there is absolutely nothing wrong with it will help. It won't be easy, but once you are more calm and accepting that homosexuality is very much a normal thing, then you'll be in a much better place to determine whether you are gay, bisexual or straight. Sometimes overthinking and anxiety can make things more real than they actually are.

 

[Deleted Account]

I think you may be gay or bisexual, but then again, only you can be the one to truly know this (or accept this). Never ever let someone say what you are or aren't, as this is something that only you should be able to determine.

The reason I say that you may indeed by gay or bisexual is because instead of just sexual desire, you said you also had romantic feelings and attractions too. This is a big giveaway sign imo, and the fact that you got aroused by two men kickboxing is also a massive giveaway sign. A straight man may have a gay fantasy, but very rarely will get turned on my men in a non-sexual setting. I myself have questioned my sexuality a lot, however I haven't really had this romantic and softcore attraction to men that you have. Then again, I have had the urge to kiss a man before, but it is interesting to note that I was going through very low self-esteem and a lot of anxiety, and this I have found can sometimes be due to feeling emasculated. However, you getting an erection when grappling with a male friend isn't something a straight man would get.

I defo think the religious guilt is making it much more depressing and confusing (I know it well, my mum is a toxic religious fundamentalist who is very homophobic), so maybe spend time on improving your outlook on homosexuality, and how there is absolutely nothing wrong with it will help. It won't be easy, but once you are more calm and accepting that homosexuality is very much a normal thing, then you'll be in a much better place to determine whether you are gay, bisexual or straight. Sometimes overthinking and anxiety can make things more real than they actually are.

Yes, I'm trying to get a therapist right now but the ones "near" me are like 30km away. I got into nofap and semen retention because I noticed I was losing all interest in women, I wasn't even looking at them. I have to point out that ever since I was 16 the only way I could get a clean erection was with crosdresser porn, though I never did with gay porn.
I definitely have hocd but I don't think its that big of a problem.

 

[Maximus19]

Yes, I'm trying to get a therapist right now but the ones "near" me are like 30km away. I got into nofap and semen retention because I noticed I was losing all interest in women, I wasn't even looking at them. I have to point out that ever since I was 16 the only way I could get a clean erection was with crosdresser porn, though I never did with gay porn.
I definitely have hocd but I don't think its that big of a problem.

Well I wish you the best of luck. This is not an easy thing to deal with, so I just wanted to say that you are incredibly brave for dealing with it.

Try online video calls with a therapist, it's just as good as therapy in person

 

[SJD]

I'm not big on labels. But the facts are you are being aroused by men and less aroused by women and THATS OK! You could like kissing guys but having intercourse with women and wanna marry neither! You are YOU. You have no obligation to ride a "party line" with ur sexuality. Like what you like, try what you want, keep what works for you and stop worrying if it's called "gay, bi or str8"

P.S I'm sure whatever religion you're apart of has repressed homosexuals apart do the community that are doing a lot more harm to themselves and others by trying to deny the REAL truth about "God's will"

If God didn't want you to be homosexual, you wouldn't find men attractive. Just like God didn't want you to breath in water, so you don't have gills. If you have a God given drive, why let a subordinate human judge if that innate urge of urs is godly or not?

 

[Deleted Account]

I'm not big on labels. But the facts are you are being aroused by men and less aroused by women and THATS OK! You could like kissing guys but having intercourse with women and wanna marry neither! You are YOU. You have no obligation to ride a "party line" with ur sexuality. Like what you like, try what you want, keep what works for you and stop worrying if it's called "gay, bi or str8"

P.S I'm sure whatever religion you're apart of has repressed homosexuals apart do the community that are doing a lot more harm to themselves and others by trying to deny the REAL truth about "God's will"

If God didn't want you to be homosexual, you wouldn't find men attractive. Just like God didn't want you to breath in water, so you don't have gills. If you have a God given drive, why let a subordinate human judge if that innate urge of urs is godly or not?

Thank you. Welcome to the forum btw