Gay: Sex, Masturbation addiction recovery. Day 25-ish

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by 630, May 19, 2019.

  1. 630

    630 Fapstronaut

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    Okay, this feels good to start and continue this process. I'll try to keep this brief, and use this thread to inspire others hopefully.

    I'm 31, and have had compulsions with all sexual outlets (porn, masturbation, sex). I've suffered from porn induced ED for years, and have unsuccessfully in the past tried to rewire on hard more.

    I'm in an open relationship and over a month ago got an STD from some very permiscuous sex, that was a scare and wake up call that I cannot go on living like this and need to make changes. I went 14 days hard more (no masturbation, pmo, etc.), but for the past week or so, have slipped back into masturbation. No porn, have tried hooking up but fortunately have no yet, because I want some celibacy and have a month away from my partner for work and think it's a good time to reset.

    So, I'm sitting here, after feeling like I made the best progress of my life, only to backtrack and feel like I'm starting again, but really it's the 25th day and I'm committing. Thanks for sharing all of your stories.

    I felt more confident than I ever did going without anything and know I can again and will.

    I've had to delete dating apps/grindr as I realize that's been a catalyst and the slippery slope back into mo.
     
  2. Welcome to teh Nofaps! Great intro post mate, good to have you here.

    The fact that you've deleted dating apps shows you've got the right idea and you're moving in the right direction. I've never used them, but I've never heard of anyone having a good time with them. Nothing but heartbreak and pain. For me personally, the most important thing was giving up porn. I thought I was going well but relapsed after 12 days... Following that I made the decision to join this forum, go for full no PMO and make sure that this is pretty much the only webpage I visit for the foreseeable future.

    You'll find some genuinely awesome support here; unfortunately as with all places though there are some people who are severely misguided about homosexuality as well- thankfully they're in the minority. You might read some shit that offends the absolute hell out of you (I do, and I'm hetero...) but please don't let that dissuade you from coming here.
    Be active in the community, and you'll surely find the support you're after in meeting your goals.
     
  3. Hey friend congratulations on your 25th day that's a big accomplishment. Stick with it. What will be your strategy moving forward to keep you clean?
     
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  4. Congratulations 630!
    You’re inspiring me!

    BB
     
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  5. 630

    630 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for these replies. Today (day 26), is the first full day since relapsing with M a week ago, that I've gone the full day clean.

    I'm working remotely, away from friends, family and my partner for a month at a time, so I notice the urge to get on grindr just for the social aspect, but it's a slippery slope. I did download it briefly this evening and quickly deleted, as fortunately, there's not much around here, working to my advantage. I'm feeling re-inspired.

    What is different for me this time, compared to times in the past, is navigating the emotional side of rebooting. Particularly, not slipping into a disappointed, frustrated, depressed spiral after relapsing and just binging, etc. I'm seeing this long-term and have chosen to make a powerful choice to regain my sexual power, to a stronger state than I've had before.

    My plan to stick with it, is to visualize myself as healthy and powerful and in charge of my sexual energy everyday, and focus on the benefits when I want to go backwards (which is feeling significantly more confident, social, powerful, and focused).

    Also, to navigate the evenings, when I've tended to go backwards in the past. Thanks for reading :)
     
  6. Heheh, going on Grindr for the social aspect = reading porno mags for the articles :p
    Being largely alone for a long period of time can be a potential hazard BUT solitude is something which is highly underrated and undervalued in today's society. People are often afraid to be alone with their thoughts which is fair enough, but in my opinion that's the best part! It can be torturous but I definitely feel that being alone puts one in a position that they can safely and directly confront themselves and make significant progress in getting to know and forgive themselves. I live by myself and love it, though there's a constant battle to do things like keep my living space clean and organised because I don't have many visitors, sometimes 6-8 weeks between visits, but I have the advantage of being able to create a safe space for myself and do all of this inner work and meditative stuff that can be derailed by interruptions.

    I'm VERY glad to hear that you've considered what you're going to do differently this time. It's often overlooked in recovery attempts and to me shows that you've had the necessary realisations that will allow you to progress in the long-term. When I attended AA meetings, I learned a lot of their little one-liners and still apply them to this day in order to stay sober. In this instance, the first thing that came to mind was 'nothing changes if nothing changes.' There's a tendency for relapse to be met with 'so, what's the plan? What are you doing differently this time?'
    You've addressed that question very nicely, and your goals are admirable. Long-term vision is a very realistic and healthy approach.

    Great to have you on board, once again! Look forward to reading more from you.
     
    acquasalata and Freedom_from_PMO like this.
  7. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    Hey, you may need longer celibacy to fix your habits.
     
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  8. 630

    630 Fapstronaut

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    Great points about grindr. Today is going strong again. I feel my anxiety returning, but really it's just extra energy. I got so much valuable stuff done at work today.

    I also meditated which I'm realizing needs to be every single day during this reboot.

    Curious on your comment on needing more celibacy. After this month, it'll be 30 days without any sex with anyone. When I see my boyfriend again, I'm sure we'll want to have sex, but I do see the point, as this can be a slippery slope. That said, my long term goal is both a healthy sex life and sexual power and control.

    Anyhow, not worth worrying about at this point, as I have two more full weeks solo. Thanks for the insight on solitude. I'm in Thailand on a beautiful island, but it's very remote. I've been embracing it very much and you're right, takin advantage of the space for more real healing is why I'm here.

    Much love, thanks for the support! Today's been another good one.
     
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  9. 630

    630 Fapstronaut

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    I'm writing to stay on track and resist some urges. I'm feeling in control today and really grateful. I mentioned this before, but this is the first time I've gone backwards a few steps, but didn't lose sight I was going forward, and I'm now finishing my second day.

    I do notice just how much sexual energy I have.

    I'm curious if other gay dudes have a link and some unique blend between both porn, masturbation, and actual sex addiction?

    For me, they all complement each other. When I dive back into porn, I'm actively seeking more anonymous sexual encounters, masturbating more, and it becomes this vicious cycle I've repeated in my past many times. If I'm not in a city or somewhere where it's easy to get laid, it becomes more the porn and masturbation. I love sex. I love the adventures it's taken me on. However, I don't like feeling porn induced ED, social anxiety I think is related to porn and masturbation or over sexual stimulation, or feeling out of control. I've spend entire days, seeking hookups, or hooking up, or jerking off repeatedly and it's the bizarre defeated out of control empty feeling. I've also had promiscuous adventures that I felt were good for my soul and satisfying. So I'm curious if balance is every attainable. I'd love to be a human that has a high sex drive, and is in control of my life, and feels sexually liberated, satisfied, and free.

    I really think for many of us on these forums, an underlying shame (sexual or otherwise) is one of the roots of PMO addiction. Part of this healing process, has been me letting go of shame for every person I've ever slept with. Instead, I've for the first time, felt grateful for each experience. I think especially for gay guys, there's been shame around sexuality from a young age, and now as adults, sexual shame shows up in other ways (like feeling shameful for binging on porn, sleeping with people you regret afterwards, etc.). If I stop feeling shameful, and start feeling accepting and optimistic and healthy and in balance, I think this pattern will naturally and easily fall away.

    Anyhow, keep up the great work. Forgive yourself and release shame for every single time you've fucked up or made mistakes or relapsed, or gone backwards. Really, let it go, and you'll be one step closer to this burden being light and gone :)
     
  10. xvtc ctvx

    xvtc ctvx Fapstronaut

    Agree - it is good to be honest, reflect on mistakes and importantly forgive yourself for those mistakes. Sharing and helping others is a great way to heal. Thanks.
     
  11. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    I don't know of this is your case, but porn have massive impact on sexual preferences and during reboot many discover that they want diffrent things from sex than they liked before. I think the most extreme case of this was a guy who after a year long celibacy discovered that he was of the different orientation he previously think he was. But for most it is about kinks and fetishes, top or bottom etc.
     
  12. 630

    630 Fapstronaut

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    I'm definitely gay. Not questioning that. Curious about the other preferences because you may have a point. Group sex, sneaky hook-ups, etc. could be motivated by their pornographic nature.
     
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  13. 630

    630 Fapstronaut

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    I've been reading more about Sexual Transmutation as well, and really believe containing this energy allows us to channel it into other things if we use it wisely, and reach other goals. I'm already feeling that, letting go of some energetic clutter in my life (a mean business partner I hated working with), and have room for new ideas to come to fruition in good ways, I'm excited about.

    My goals are increasing my passive income by 5 times this year and my remote income doubling this year. These motivate me, and with this extra energy I have the motivation and belief it's going to happen.

    I also feel a close-ness with my partner because of his support during this. Wondering if anyone has had a mix of feelings, as I have. It's swung back and forth between resisting him, feeling less attracted and into it (I think it was my brain confused as fuck about sex in general), to feeling this unconditional love and support. I'm incredibly lucky.

    The last time I really dove into this stuff, was 2 months before I met him. I discovered the cause of my porn induced ED, found a forum like this, was writing, staying on track, and then the best relationship of my life appeared effortlessly, during that time. Could be coincidence, but I really feel energy and life works in mysterious ways and when we radiate something different (i.e. more confidence and self-empowerment), things show up for us.

    I'm excited to see what shows up as a result of this. Right now, it's been more social comfort (I've become a hermit in ways and especially have struggled around men as I'm often thinking about sleeping with them), confidence, optimism, energy, and getting into the best shape of my life.

    I'm a full 4 weeks in! One week in there was a bit messy. No porn, but some masturbation, but I'm really on track. I also love writing, so hopefully the ramblings have some coherence as I'm doing it for me, and if it helps someone else, awesome! :)
     
  14. 630

    630 Fapstronaut

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    Okay a new day and another minor fresh start. Yesterday, I was very close to meeting up with someone for sex and I

    I realize, I use sex, MO, weed, grindr, etc. to fill a void. I'm here to learn to be with myself, feel my feelings, and not let these things act as my 'happy pill' to fix all my problems. It's tough because they've been helping me cope for a long time.

    I realize my first hints of addiction were when my parents had a messy dramatic divorce when I was 15-16. It was then I began smoking pot every single day. Before, I had reasonable usage (once in awhile on weekends). I realize this never really changed. I thought the connection between those things did not affect me.

    Any addiction is really about using a behavior or substance to not feel our feelings. I'm ready to feel life, more.

    My goal from today, is to go 2 entire weeks without downloading grindr on my phone once. This is the start of my slippery slope and I realize a void filler and porn replacement. I instead, embrace solitude, meditate, spend time in nature, read, write, crush it at work, and make use of this time.

    So far, I'm doing well. Not perfect, but there has certainly been progress and more coming. I feel stronger and more in control of my life and honest with myself than I've felt in a long time. It's also been a catalyst to let things go that bring me down, like one business partner that I got fed up with and quit on (in a gracious way) the other day, instead of staying victim to their emotional abuse in work situations. Bye! Felt good too.

    I'm struggling to know if I feel the same about my partner. I've had a lot of uncertainties about our relationship of 4 years come up, as a result of this reboot (maybe not all because of it), and have had moments of struggle to figure out if it's normal, or if maybe I'm being honest with myself and it's time to let go.

    Anyhow, it's tough to feel more than I'm used to, but writing is medicine, so I'm going to continue to as much as I can.
     
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  15. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    During my reboot I discovered that PMO addiction was coping mechanism and sometimes when I have urges, I just say to myself "this is not going to fill that void" and that helps because I know that it will be pointless. It was especially hard in the beginning, I felt like if someone took painkillers away from me, buy now I can focus on moving forward.
     
  16. 630

    630 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for sharing that. "This is not going to fill that void." So good!

    I wonder what does fill voids in healthy ways?
     
  17. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    I think it depends on the person. I have many good friends and good relation with my family, but I lack a romantic partner and I feel lonely in effect, despite having people around. I went through period of depression and it crippled my social skills, so there was no chance to date back then. Now I feel good but I need some more self improvement. I feel like being in a relationship is the last piece of the puzzle. I've met here people in the opposite situation, they are married or they have partners, but they are lonely with not much human connection except with their partners.

    I believe that religion, spirituality, philosophy and in general search for a higher meaning may fill the void. But the trick is that it is not "magic pill". God/meditation/Aristotle are not here to entertain you and to go down that path you need to give up your expectations. It requires trust. Great mystics described state of the dark night, when despite spiritual growth you feel nothing, no positive emotion from spiritual practices. So pretty much this is not a way of instant gratification.
     
  18. Clay Bowl

    Clay Bowl New Fapstronaut

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    I am new to this. I find your post honest. I know I need help because I also find your post erotic and I am imagining engaging in PMO with every man on this forum which defeats the purpose. HELP!!!
     
  19. 630

    630 Fapstronaut

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    Sorry you found the post erotic, I don't know what, but I can relate, as I've found other posts to be that way for me too! Part of it. I'll be extra aware to keep it just in scientific terms.

    Does this shit get easier? I'm awake, full of energy, angsty. Like, is there a point you just chill into this and it becomes second nature? I'm noticing the big benefit is socially.

    I think I want to write a book this year. I realize when I'm not PMO'ing I have so much extra energy. I've written a book before, but it was one that someone started and I went in, edited, wrote sections, and became the co-author. It hasn't done much to be honest but we've sold some. Now I'm wanting to channel all of this energy, and newfound urge to be an entrepreneur, into writing a book and realize, this extra energy can help. Feels interesting to write one from scratch. I get stuck when I think about what it'd be about. Anyhow writing away. Have a wonderful day!
     
  20. bfdet

    bfdet Fapstronaut

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    Visualizing the future and focusing on benefits are good things to do. Think about your goals and objectives and the what brought you here. Writing them down sometimes helps clarify thinking. After you are clear about your goals and why's, work out a method to keep them fresh in your mind each day (maybe re-reading what you've written down). When we lose sight of our goals and why's, motivation weakens and resets and relapses often follow. So, have clear goals and keep them fresh in your mind each and every day.

    Thinking more tactically, what are you going to do when urges and temptations strike ?

    You've done some positive things to deal with triggers you know about (deleted social media apps). Avoiding triggers you know about is certainly the easiest way to get past them !

    BUT

    There are triggers that you don't even yet recognize as triggers. Think about how you will respond to those urges when they strike. Make a plan and include several things that you can do; sometimes its not always possible to use one technique (not always possible to go take a cold shower !) and sometimes you may need to use more than one tool to get past an urge. Develop a plan for responding to triggers now. Waiting until you face urges and temptations to begin thinking about how you will respond is too late; the urges and triggers will usually win.

    You've made a good decision to be here. Go make some more good decisions.

    One day at a time is how we all succeed.
     

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