Gay: Sex, Masturbation addiction recovery. Day 25-ish

Excellent post and response and very true. Focus on tactics and techniques for when triggers I didn't even realize arise, arise. This is what happened to me the other day when I MO'd (instead of meet up with someone). I went somewhere I don't usually go, with a higher concentration of people to possibly hook up with, and the urges started as soon as I got there. I downloaded an app, which led to urges, etc.

I go back to city life in two weeks. This is going to be a real test, and I'm grateful for the post in preparation of that. I live in a place with a lot of possible sexual encounters (and also a lot to do other than just chasing sex). I'm curious some strategies, as in a way, I feel like I'm walking into a trigger going back there and am nervous, but also feel I'm coming far enough along that my mind is changing and with this progress, this can be a big success.

My 'why', is a more fulfilling and confident sex life, social life, work life, financial life, and health and energy. I also am excited to be able to get rock hard erections naturally. I also had the thought today in meditation, that chasing sex and PMO has made me 'thirsty' in my energy of seeking, wanting more. It does not feel confident, attractive, or good, and I notice when I sustain and contain my sexual power, I'm more confident, attractive, and clear.

Any good tips for going back to a place associated with triggers are welcome! Thank you. Another successful day and I'm feeling excellent and grateful to be on track and sharing this.

 

Okay, I've made it to 30 days. It's not been perfect, the last 3 have been consistent.

What is different this time, is I'm getting to the roots of this much more than in the past. I think when you get past the behavior (which is still a daily challenge), you get more to the roots of why we use PMO and/or sex as a copin mechanism. It's a behavior to fill some sort of void. I'm getting more comfortable being alone, feeling my feelings, understanding triggers, believing in myself to change for the better etc. But damn, in ways it's easier to just numb out, give in to our vices. However, the heaviness and defeat and feeling disempowered from this, is worse than going through your emotions to heal.

Today is the third day in a row with no porn. Really, the last week has been a success. I had one day where I downloaded grindr, almost met up with someone and MO'd instead, but I've stayed on track. The mornings and evenings are the hardest. This morning, I woke up exploding with sexual energy but managed to distract myself, and am back on the keyboard.

Does this get easier? In ways, it doesn't feel sustainable to be this horny, day in and day out for months/years, etc. At what point does this settle a bit more? Thank you. I'm feeling powerful as fuck and I'm also noticing people are checking me out much more. Even girls (I'm gay). But I notice I feel more magnetic to people (even just friendly social interactions) and comfortable socializing, which I've needed, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I'm in a more rural area for work and often feel isolated. I'm realizing now this chapter is a blessing, and a window to really work on myself, embrace solitude, heal some shit, etc.

I want to be prepared for when I go back to the city, as this is a massive trigger, but I'm confident, I can keep this focus and growth there. Tips are welcome on changing environments and going back somewhere that is a trigger. Thank you!

 

Correction: I've not looked at porn at all in 30 days. I meant 3rd day in a row with no grindr, or MO, but a majority of the past 30 days have been no PMO (a week of slipping up a little bit, but letting it be a one off instead of a binge which is what used to happen in the past).

 

Okay, here I am a few days back and forth on this.

Setbacks:
1. I slipped out and had 4 days where I MO'd at least once.
2. I met up with someone for sex.
3. I've not been able to successfully not download grindr for 3 consecutive days since about day 20. Weekends, too much free time, etc. seem to be a massive trigger for me. I actually think this will get easier when I get back to the city as I have a more bustling social life and people to connect with. The trigger here seems to be all the free time and some slight loneliness.

Progress:
1. I've gotten back on track again.
2. I've avoided falling into deep shame and giving up still. I had hints of this, but am not allowing myself to fall victim to setbacks.

Next Steps:
1. One week hard mode, before I meet up with my boyfriend
2. Ideas, strategies, developed for going back to the city and staying strong and firm.

Overall, doing my best. Stayed off this forum because of some shame and disappointment, but really, on track and sexually doing better than I've ever done and need to keep perspective on this.

 

Very kind response and thank you for saying that about sharing, even when struggling.

So I'm noticing when I cut off PMO again, my anxiety comes back. Something else, is I'm also addicted to marijuana. Like, everyday smoking type deal. Still manage to excel at work and in my career, but I've struggled with dependency on things like masturbation and weed.

I've been noticing that weed isolates me too. I'm curious on thoughts of giving up one vice, will letting another persist. For me, the thought of giving up weed right now is too much and much scarier than giving up porn and masturbation. Plus the payoffs don't seem as obvious to me. Giving up PMO, I get more confidence, attention from men, energy, etc.