Get educated, get tools, and learn to love withdrawals

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by William, Dec 16, 2013.

  1. Wanting2BeAbetterMan

    Wanting2BeAbetterMan Fapstronaut

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    I have been thinking that I could control it for years. And for a while , I was. But I started faltering during my wife's pregnancy. Eventually, by my son's second month of age...well I don't need to tell you guys. Gary Wilson's video is incredibly explanatory.
     
  2. William

    William Fapstronaut

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    I am 7 months free today. The 17th is always my lucky number. I wish I had something wise to say. I don't. Quitting porn is a bitch. I admire the others that have done it and respect their methods. Porn is not an option. When it gets to that place that it inevitably gets to, say that to your self. Porn is not an option.

    Good luck on your journey.
     
  3. Let me be the first to congratulate you an achievement to be proud of!
     
  4. pursuitofchocolate

    pursuitofchocolate Fapstronaut

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    THanks for the Ted lecture. It was very enlightening.
     
  5. alexs

    alexs Fapstronaut

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    good one mate
     
  6. William

    William Fapstronaut

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    Hi alexs, thanks for the kind words, and let's turn that 6 day streak into a 60 day one.

    Peace.

    By the way, anyone wanting to understand withdrawals better, you can find a great post here at yourbrainonporn.com:

    http://yourbrainonporn.com/what-does-withdrawal-from-porn-look-like

    Withdrawals suck. Anyone quitting needs to understand what they are and be ready for them.

    Good luck on your journey.
     
  7. Milkyway

    Milkyway Fapstronaut

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    Great post! I think it is really important to remember that porn is more than meets the eye. Thoghts and fantasies alone can give the same dopamine rush. That being said, abstaining from porn makes it easier to get pornrelated fantasies out of the system. So start with abstaining from porn, then continue with mindfullness and cognitive rewiring!
     
  8. johnf

    johnf Fapstronaut

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    Very interesting
     
  9. climbthehole

    climbthehole Fapstronaut

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    Hi William thanks a ton for sharing the science behind Porn and addiction to Masturbation. I have been thinking of getting rid of this for long... I do feel more informed (atleast a little to begin with) about my addiction.

    But My addiction is not porn as such ( I fap even to non naked infact i like non naked).. I'm addicted to chatroooms I fap for hours here... I have spend tons of my time last few years in room searching for women to come online...it involved lot of desperation n frustration...

    Once I came across a women who actually took control of me...in private chat room n it was best O i had... Ever since that I have been going on rooms searching for for a similar women I chatted before..who tells me to do things in cam... I use to paste in rooms " I will do anything on cam if u are a gal" And sane ppl in room would reply to me " Why don't u tell that to ur mother or family" ...(Sorry I sound pathetic).. I'm done with this kind of stuff now!
    But now my brain doesn't know what it needs while visiting chatrooms...I feel confused but I still waste all time there faping... Now I'm in pursuit of quiting fap I've tried and failed many times...

    But seriously your post is v helpful for starters Thanks
     
  10. William

    William Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for all the positive posts.

    @ climbthehole, on this journey I have learned alot about porn addiction. One of the things I have learned is that porn is not just porn. It can be any hypersexualized trigger that releases dopamine. In fact, I am not actually addicted to porn; porn is just the button I push to release dopamine, a great little drug/molecule that exists in all of our heads. It's not a bad thing and is associated with a lot of good, healthy habits and feelings. One of the things heightened dopamine release is associated with is novelty or newness. It is also associated with the hunt, with curiosity, and with searching. One of the things I notices about your post is that you spend a lot of time "searching" for a certain thing online--it is not just finding what you are looking for that is part of the dopamine release/abuse system, but looking for it. That is why I and many other porn addicts can spend countless hours clicking, clicking, clicking, searching to some hypersexualized thought that triggers us.

    Anyway, thanks for posting; reading posts and replying are part of my recovery.
     
  11. climbthehole

    climbthehole Fapstronaut

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    Thanks William for sharing ur thoughts on my doubts...yea may be that's the way my brain is (got) conditioned n perhaps keeping me feel good with dopamine release.
    Perhaps I was searching for newer & even better means & even as u say the act of looking for new ways endlessly was by more release of dopamine...
     
  12. hurting_wife

    hurting_wife Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys, I've been talking to William, he thought it might be benefical to post on his thread...I wrote all this about a month ago. Please be kind, my spirit is broken right now.

    Hi everyone. I joined a different forum when I found out about my husbands porn addiction. I am having a hard time with all of this. I love him deeply and we are working thru it. But its constantly on my mind. I can't think straight, in fact, I'm just copy/paste my post from the other forum bc honestly my brain hurts from thinking so much, and I wanted to post here too, for a couple of reasons, 1. because I need support and 2. to help others who are in similar situations. So here it is;

    o I just found out last week that my husband of nearly 14 years has been using porn for many years of our marriage. I posted a couple replies on a thread, but thought I should make my own bc I don't want to highjack someones thread. I'm just going to copy and paste what I've put there because I am having a very hard time with this, I don't even know how to put it all into words right now. And honestly I'm really scared to post all this anyhow. I need support right now, if you have nasty comments, please have a heart, I am broken right now.

    just reading the first part of your post and i so relate. I just found out my husband of nearly 14 years has been addicted to porn for years. I'm still reeling in my head, and have so many different emotions I don't know how to talk about it yet. We love each other deeply, and I actually feel like I love him even more now, I guess because he's admitted it. I always knew something was wrong, but I bought into it must be me. I made excuses. I thought I was CRAZY! I so get that feeling you are talking about.

    I'm scared to talk about it. I am already convinced it's my fault. I got very sick with a chronic illness which has affected every part of my body, including hormones. I didn't want sex a lot 10 years ago, I had just had our two kids, my body was changing, and now I was dealing with a mystery illness. So he turned to porn. Fast forward a few years, I start feeling better (and btw i didn't "cut him off" we still had sex, just not alot), start feeling better and I want sex all the time. and I'm certainly not shy in the bedroom with him, or the bathroom, or living room, or basement... if you get what I mean... we seemed to have a great sex life then. He was 35ish and started having ed problems, we both started taking supplents from adult stores, stupid me, I bought into it all, thinking that it was somehow normal and ok to have to be taking pills to have sex! It got to the point where he could hardly get an erection at all, and the minute I'd touch him or he'd try to have sex with me, he'd loose what little he had. Of course this played all kinds of havoc on both our brains.

    Of course that's going to happen when you're practically getting sex every night, sometimes multiple times, and you're still going and jerking it to your computer. It hurts so much, I don't understand, I can't believe how crushed I am, I thought I was over reacting, and I start researching, and I see all these stories, and I just read them and sit here and cry, I just want to reach out to all these wives and girlfriends, I know what they are feeling, and it SUCKS!

    I know I'm far from perfect, and I know nobody is, and I know he is hurting. I'm just hurting so deep right now, I'm so confused, I just don't know.
    ----------------------------------------------
    Thank you LTE, I have read some of your posts and even sent a couple of them to my husband. You seem like a very supportive person. I am having a hard time putting things into words, yet I can't seem to turn my brain off!! I can kind of accept that when I was sick and not giving him enough sex that he turned to porn, even though at my core i feel like he abandoned me when I needed him the most. WHat I am really struggling with is how he kept doing it when I was wanting sex nearly every day. I know it's because the addiction had set in, its just hard to wrap my head around it. How did it never once cross his mind that it might be hurtful to me. He knows that every male relationship I've ever had was hurtful. From my abusive father who killed himself when I was a kid, to physically abusive boyfriends. And the kind of porn, he says he just watched women masturbating. THat he imagined it was me... I think I could wrap my head around it more if it was some fantasy porn, something I couldn't give him, but no, it was just ordinary women performing an intimate act for their lovers, the relationship went south, and the guy posted it online, and my husband watched it. WHen we first were talking about it he kept saying, it's not like I did it all the time... then it came out that it was several times a week, weather he was getting sex from me or not.

    I'm just so hurt and so confused. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't think straight. I love him so much, and he loves me and we both want to move forward. He's the only guy that I have ever truely reached an orgasm with, and multiple times thru the "session", and now we try to fool around, he says he doesn't want to have an orgasm right now, but he wants to pleasure me, and I can't get there. Always so close, but with me I guess there's a HUGE factor of emotional security and safety that comes with it. So then I am sad and frustrated, and angry. I want nothing more than to make love with my husband, and because he's done this we flat out can't! I feel like so much has been stolen from me, and at the same time, so much of the past now makes sense.

    I'm really trying not to cry in front of him, but I go outside or for a drive, or take a shower and the tears just fall, and its not so much of a poor me cry, its a soul cry, if you know what I mean, its so deep. I feel so empty, so alone. THe illness I have, we didn't have much support from family and friends, they all think I'm just crazy I'm sure. I have late stage chronic lyme disease....you will be seeing more about it , i've been on the forefront of advocacy for years, there's thousands of us suffering. but anyhow, my mom was our ONLY real support, if we needed help physically or financially or emotionally , it was always her...well two years ago she died at the young age of 52. I was crushed of course. And now, I feel so alone. I don't know if I would have talked to her about this if she was here or not, but I don't even have the option. Empty, that's a good word. But anyhow, I have no desire to shame him, or to keep hearing how sorry he is, so I don't want to cry in front of him. He knows that he hurt me and he hurt us. I guess it will take time for my emotional wounds to heal.
    ----------------------------------------
    and not to mention he seems upset with me because it's all I can think about right now. I'm online researching, finding validation I am not crazy. I just found out a week ago, of course I'm extremely upset and confused! He is a genieous (sp?), very smart man, he works on computers, and hes helped family members with computer issues....usually porn related.... my dead mothers bf always had issues with his computer, hub would fix it, to find tons of porn on it, he told me about it, and he saw how I hurt for my mom! How I struggled with, do I tell her about this, or do I not...I chose not to, and I don't know if I wish I had or not. I didn't want to hurt her. I knew she was having sex issues with her bf, that he couldn't get a good erection... yes my mom and I were close, my bio dad was very abusive as was my step dad, she and I had endured many nightmares together. Of course at the time I had no idea porn could be the cause of all of it.

    But now here I am , this is my life now. And its not helping the situation that he seems angry with me because I can't stop thinking about this bomb thats been dropped on me And I know what I'm thinking and feeling is normal! I thought I was over reacting, then I started reading stories like the OP and other wives and girlfriends, and it breaks my heart bc I know and feel what they are feeling, even though all our stories are a little different, the pain we feel is the same. So now the hurt is feeling like anger. Like you did this to me, to US, and you want me to just try to be normal right now? I think I'm entitled to feel how i do right now!
     
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  13. shamrocknroll

    shamrocknroll Fapstronaut

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    Good evening everybody I hope you are all well. Just decided to put a lot more effort in my reboot. I got a timer in my signature finally. Hopefully everyone can see it. I am also thinking I might go back to collecting war game miniatures. I am saying this since writing on a computer can be too tempting for me. I appreciate everybody's input on this great read. Thanks for inspiring me to have a better life as I have a new girlfriend to invest in. :)
     
  14. William

    William Fapstronaut

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    @ hurting wife, that you for reminding us that porn abuse can be degrading to the women in our lives. For most of us it is a solitary and selfish act that we have no idea could harm anyone but our selves, if even our selves. We view it as a harmless distraction. But if the women in our lives were spending hours alone in front of a computer fantasizing and coming to orgasm to pics of strange me, and being unable to have sex with us or orgasm during sex, I think we would be hurt too. I think our egos and self image of who we are would be damaged. I will say that in my opinion guys view sex as less of an emotional and intimate act than women do, generally. But I have learned that for women, that physical connection is an emotional connection, not just the event of having sex. I hope you heal and I hope your significant other heals too.

    Peace.
     
  15. hurting_wife

    hurting_wife Fapstronaut

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    You're welcome William. You're right, there's a definite emotional component to sex with women...unless you're one of those women who have sex just to get off. In my case, there's a huge emotional thing, huge trust thing, in fact I never had an orgasm with a man until I was with my husband... that feeling of safety since EVERY man in my life had hurt me, and so now this, the ONE person I never thought would hurt me, has hurt me the most. When we have sex...not always, but many times, its like the world disapears, and its just us floating thru space, its a beautiful thing, thats what I need, that connection , that closeness... I don't want to have sex just to get off, it leaves me unsatisfied in a big way. yeah sure, I could masturbate all day long if i wanted to, but its just not the same, I NEED that emotional connection, that trust where you can really open up, and explore eachother, and when you can do that, it really is amazing. and I did bring that up to him...how would you like it if I was looking at intimate videos that a guy made for his woman (that was his porn of choice, watching women masturbate, they made videos for their sig others, relationship went south and guy posted online), how would he feel if I was watching what was supposed to be an intimate moment between two people... or any porn for that matter... and what i dont get is I'm no prude in the bedroom, I'm into all kinds of stuff... its like that one song "Yeah" by usher.." I wanna lady on the street but a freak in the bed" , and no it's not always kinky, but I'm into fullfilling fantasies, so now I just have this feeling of failed as a wife, don't feel like a woman, don't feel sexy, I'm going thru the motions of life for my kids sake, my spirit is literally broken..TEN years he hid this from me! thing is I KNEW something was wrong... but I always put it off on myself, no hes a good man, he plays computer games with his buddy, he doesn't go out drinking , etc etc, it must be me... and to find out that his attitude changes n everything I've noticed thru the years weren't in my imagination... mind blower
     
  16. ChrisHaven

    ChrisHaven Fapstronaut

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    hurting_wife,

    Thanks for sharing. These sorts of revelations are devastating for women in relationships. I am working with my fair share of men who don't know how to handle their spouses when they find out about their addictions. Heartbreaking.
    I wish you all the best.
     
  17. freedomwarrior

    freedomwarrior Fapstronaut

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    hurting wife, I have not followed much of what you have written so I do not know much about you, but this last post could have been written by my wife, except for the masturbating part, she's not into that. Yes, I hurt my wife also, unintentionally, but nonetheless, I did hurt my wife, for 17 years. I am just so thankful it was not 18 or 20 or 30 or 40 or 50 like it so easily could have been. We continue to heal, and I pray that you and your husband continue to heal as time goes on. As time permits, I plan to read the first 10 pages of this post.
    FW
     
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  18. NateK.

    NateK. Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys, I need HELP! I've recently stopped porn and masturbation (day 1) and wanted to know how long the reboot would take. I'm a teenager that has only been on porn and masturbation for 9 months, so I was thinking 4 weeks, maybe two months tops?! Also, how do you know when your reboot is working and you're ED is gone or going away?
     
  19. janinx

    janinx Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the inspiration :)
     
  20. johnf

    johnf Fapstronaut

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    So I need to fight my primitive brain when I have a whithdrawal by saying that Im curing my self and it is in that perspective that I can start to love withdrawals.
     

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