Getting back on the horse

So this is my first post. I never engaged actively in any forum but now feel that it is necessary.

I have first encountered NoFap in 2018. Identified IP as a problem and am battling it since then. I started doing several streaks of hard mode since New Years of 2019. Suffered from PIED before but was able to reverse it pretty much. My longest streak was for roughly 10 months of hard mode. Since the pandemic I have been struggling with occasional relapses. After stopping porn I basically "healed" my depression and anxiety issues I never knew I had beforehand. Now that I have relapsed multiple times I have developed a depression that is not only related only to my PMO habits (basically just life/Covid etc.). This depression and self-loathing basically hinders me to find the strength to resist the urges. I feel like I lost this conviction that I developed in the beginning when I first identified IP as the problem.

The craziest thing is I experienced all the upsides of abstaining first hand. I basically turned around my whole life becoming successful in academic, social and fitness aspects. But it feels like with many relapses I broke down multiple walls in my brain and letting my addiction grow and become so strong that it created this crazy cognitive dissonance. I know the what I need to do and have even succeeded before. But subconsciously the urges have become so strong that I can't let myself slip once. Basically one bad mood or strong hangover is enough. I have turned extremely cynic and also struggled with this for way to long. I have missed out on relationships due to insecurities and guilt. It feels like I only keep going back to it in order to feel even worse. Especially since my porn use is not even linked to enjoyment. I only really enjoy intimacy and real connections and dont really value casual sex.

I am posting this in order to hold myself accountable and maybe also find a bit of support from this community.
Its so crazy that you can have the longest streak and feel amazing and then you just slip once and spiral back into bad habits.