Getting it out of my system

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by SyrusDrake, Nov 19, 2016.

  1. SyrusDrake

    SyrusDrake Fapstronaut

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    Yea, that's exactly how I'm feeling too!

    This reminds me of @Frühlingstimme's comment. Sure, if I had the choice, I'd choose connection. But for me, the choice between pleasure or connection doesn't really exist. Pleasure is all I can buy for money, so...

    During the first two weeks, this really helped me. I felt amazing and was like "Even if it doesn't get better after my reboot, it will still be worth it!"
    But since then, I have fallen back into depression and anxiety and can't see any improvements at all. So It's difficult to see what could be after...
     
  2. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Remember that time when it brought you excitement. Please know that there will be low times when you may want to give up, that's natural. Any war will be draining but that's where we, your brothers come in and carry you until you are strong enough to walk and then able to to fight again.
     
  3. badeae1

    badeae1 Fapstronaut

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    No you can buy better options for yourself. Ask yourself why can't you get connection? What is really holding you back? Take a good hard look in the mirror and start listing them. When I had a steady job and money this is what I did:
    1. Get a guitar tutor
    2. Join cross fit
    3. Take swimming lessons
    4. Buy a sick setup for the guitar
    5. Buy more products for my healthcare
    6. Get a better haircut
    7. Start wearing better clothes
    8.Bought some electronics that alert me on steps, calories and even posture.

    The list is endless. That was my all time high and I am positive to restore it. and women??? Abundant

    My friend don't worry about your virginity, it is just something society made up to give you a craving. Again heck, bold now so it comes across. If you really must go ahead but don't do it with a paid service. There's plenty of women that settle for one night stands. I feel like its a cigarette, once you do it, you give yourself the power. Meaning, if you go through with an escort what is to prevent you from doing it again?

    Best of luck to you
     
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  4. lordram17

    lordram17 Fapstronaut

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    Hey @SyrusDrake , I completely understand your situation. I am a 21-year-old virgin with no possibilities of sex in the near future. I am around 110 days into NoFap and it has proven successful for me to a great extent. I have some advice for you based on my own experience:

    1. It's going to get better : I remember when I was at your stage (3 weeks in), it was the toughest phase for me. From this experience, I can tell you that if you can hang on for a few more days, things are going to get WAY better. You'll thank yourself and be immensely proud of yourself later if you can be courageous and stick to your principles in this phase.

    2. Involve yourself in your work : This is something that has also worked very well for me. I started staying back in in the library until 9-10pm so that I am not alone at home which used to be the phase when I was most prone to relapse. In the library, I used to work on an app that I was writing at that time. The work was challenging and immersive which makes it very easy to give up on NoFap. You will also realize that good work gives you a lot of satisfaction.

    3. Masturbate without porn or mental images : This may sound weird (and a few people might disagree) but if you feel that you have a lot of sexual energy built up and you are looking for a release desperately, just stand up in your bathroom and shake your dick till you finish. If you have sexual energy built up, this will not take longer than a 30-60 sec. However, if it's taking longer than that, it implies that you don't need to do it, and you are only doing it because of a cue. I do this once or twice a week and it keeps me away from porn, without feeling desperate all the entire time. I am trying to reduce the frequency even further.


    The only thing that you truly need to know apart from this, is that sex is overhyped and it's not something that you must be chasing all the time. When it's going to happen, it will happen. In fact, staying away from porn will make you better with girls. The logic is that since you don't indulge in pornography, your mind starts motivating you to actually talk to girls, hence improving your confidence. This may not sound plausible right now, but you will know when it happens to you. Till then focus on building yourself and your work.

    Stay away from porn, it's the a highly destructive habit that will take over your life if you allow it to.

    Have a nice day.
     
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  5. SyrusDrake

    SyrusDrake Fapstronaut

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    Let's hope so. I've been feeling a little better the past days.

    I'm usually too tired and lethargic to do much of anything after lectures ^^'

    I will probably do this in the future but I feel I should try to stay completely "clean" for those 90 days or maybe more.

    I don't really have the time to keep waiting for it to happen though, at least that's what I feel like :(

    Trust me, the part of my brain that tells me to look down when walking past a girl and not to bother her when I see one I find cute is FAR stronger than any part of my brain that could ever convince myself to talk to girls...
     
  6. AndySky180

    AndySky180 Fapstronaut

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    An excellent point!!! i sometimes cringe at well-intentioned "advice" that simply does not understand that point. Someone can put far more effort to into their record four-day streak than I might in my present nineteen day streak that hasnt needed much effort at all. Who we are, our make-up, our circumstances, are all different. Comparing yourself to someone else is ultimately pointless.
     
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  7. lordram17

    lordram17 Fapstronaut

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    Man, I am telling you. I totally get what you are saying. I was like this for a long time. But trust me, it gets better. Its difficult to believe this right now, but if you go down this path, it will happen with you.

    I know what its like being shit scared about talking to girls. But you will get over it, trust me. I was exactly like that. But things happened, I focused on work and got praised for it. I made goals in life, I found a purpose to focus on. I realized that these things are far more important than chasing girls or thinking about talking to them. And the magic really happens when you dont give a shit about girls because you know deep within that your purpose is much greater than sexual gratification.

    Girls also see this. You will also feel it. Girls will not appear to be scary beings that will always ultimately reject you, because you wont give a shit even if they did. And that is when you will truly become confident.

    Focus on your work and on building yourself. Thats the only thing that should be on your mind.
     
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  8. Red Eagle

    Red Eagle Fapstronaut

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    I'm 23 and I'm in the same boat. I stopped putting myself down for being a virgin a long time ago. I don't hate me or think that I'm worthless or anything like that. I'm not interested in getting it over with. If I'd just have sex and that's all I doubt my problems would go away. But I crave intimacy and connection. I spend most of my time alone and don't have anyone to hang out with. It's not like people don't like me. I just have lots of problems making connections with people. I feel like I'm completely different and don't fit in. This has been going on for most of my life. I really need someone in my life I can spend time and have a connection with. Doesn't have to be a gf. But everywhere I go I just feel out of place.
     
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2016
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  9. Porn Free Wanderer

    Porn Free Wanderer Fapstronaut

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    I actually did this when I was 27, so I can speak from experience. It wasn't worth it. No, really, it wasn't worth it.
    For one thing, the sex with escorts is usually terrible. Oh, sure, there is the occasional one that you might have some kind of connection with (or are just really good actresses), but they are rare. Usually you're with someone who doesn't even try to hide the fact that they don't want to be there. And even when you find a good one, it still costs a heap of money -- made worse by the fact that you'll want to go there again and again, which runs up an even bigger tab.

    My first time was made even worse by the fact that I couldn't finish. Largely because the actual experience didn't live up to what I expected, and probably also the porn I was watching at the time. Even Neil Strauss said that it's not about the sex, it's about the relationship between the people having it. Do you want your first time to be with someone with whom you have no relationship at all?

    So in short, don't do it. If you want to "get it out of your system", go out and meet a real person who actually wants to be with you.
     
  10. SyrusDrake

    SyrusDrake Fapstronaut

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    [​IMG]
     
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  11. Rigel7

    Rigel7 Fapstronaut

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    I'm 24 years old and, before this year, I was a kissless virgin and now I wish that I was still a kissless virgin. I gave in to using paid sexual services this year and it is a huge regret for me and something I feel really ashamed about.

    You might think "Oh, it would be good to have someone hold me and kiss me" but honestly, the experience just leaves you unfulfilled and wanting more. An analogy I can think of is imagine you had a tasty looking burger (or dumpling, depending on your culture) but once you bite into it, it tastes crap, dry and unsatisfying. Things definitely don't match what they do in porn and, even though you use protection, you feel paranoid that you might have contracted something.

    If you find battling PMO addiction tough, don't make it tougher by throwing in a sex addiction as well. I kept going back to these places hoping the next time would be more fulfilling, but eventually, I just kept going back because it became habitual and was getting me into financial trouble. Don't kid yourself if you think "Just once and it'll be over with" because how often have we told ourselves that lie with PMO? I wish that I could have undone time and not have given in.
     
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  12. Some would say the only thing limiting you from getting the Tesla Model S is your own outlook.

    You would have to wait to find out. If there is a bonus, boy is your face going to be red for blowing it. Pun intended.

    The majority of prostitutes are drug addicts and sex slaves to human traffickers. You really want to perpetuate the abuse they endure simply to get your rocks off? How about you rather celebrate your virginity and the fact that you're a man of higher standards who would rather die a virgin than hurt another human being. Yeah, I think that sounds like a better path.
     
  13. Green_Tea

    Green_Tea Fapstronaut

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    Amazing comment, that's all I've got to say! I'm 26 and I have to agree, it is far better to uphold your values/integrity than to further contribute to the atrocities these women have to cope with.
     
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2016
  14. SyrusDrake

    SyrusDrake Fapstronaut

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    I guess there's something to this. Even though I don't know what there is to celebrate about being a virgin.
     
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  15. SyrusDrake

    SyrusDrake Fapstronaut

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    That's because if a kid does it, it's cute. If a random, adult loser talks to a girl, it's creepy.
     
  16. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    What is wrong with being a virgin? Please remind me.
     
  17. SyrusDrake

    SyrusDrake Fapstronaut

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    Nothing to a certain age. But if you've reached a certain age it means you're not socially competent enough to have connected with anyone. And it means that at your age, nobody will still put up with your inexperience.
     
    D . J . likes this.
  18. That's completely false. There are plenty of socially competent virgins and men who do not view their virginity as a limitation. Your view is formed by stereotypes which do nothing but contribute to the increase of man-boys who feel they need to drain their balls instead of building character and a love of virtue! Men who would gladly experience and bear discomfort in order to do what is right and ethical instead of men who are lead around by their dicks and stupid societal pressures which have done nothing but fuck up society, women, and the family.

    I personally look up to any virgin who doesn't bemoan their virginity and who would rather die a virgin than be a guy who sticks his dick into countless women, contributing to the problem with society and not the solution. There's a lot to celebrate about a man like that!
     
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  19. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Being a virgin doesn't determine your social competency. How do you know, how can you tell if someone who is socially competent has loss his virginity? Are you assuming that someone who you see as socially competent is no longer a virgin? If so, does that apply to everyone or those that you know? What is your proof of your statement?

    It sounds like you may feel socially incompetent and are blaming it on your virginity but in reality it is caused on your desire to isolate yourself. It is difficult to change that behavior but it is not impossible. It is a slow process to change existing behaviors.

    It sounds like you are blaming too many of your social issues on your virginity. Remember, no one knows you are a virgin until you tell them.

    PMO is robbing you of your self esteem. Work on one thing at a time. Work on healing yourself right now from that. As you may have seen from other journals, self esteem grows after that. Once you are at that place, then re-evaluate your next step.
     
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  20. SyrusDrake

    SyrusDrake Fapstronaut

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    I do though. And currently, it ruins what little confidence I have left.

    Anyhow...I'm absolutely blown away by the huge attention this attracted. I've seen a lot of amazing responses and pieces of advice and this thread will definitely go into my Emergency bookmark folder.
    But as much advice as I've read here, I think @D.J. is right. I first need to finish my reboot, no matter how long it will take. I doubt it can heal my ruined confidence but it's worth a shot.
     
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