Getting Out Of Hand

GMiester1130

Fapstronaut
I’m gonna put a TRIGGER WARNING out here for anyone who needs it. I’m going to recap the behavior I just went through in semi graphic detail, but tl;dr: 25 M, in a relationship, trying to abstain in general but M habits are ridiculous.



So, I just went through a terrible day for my M habits. I’ve done it at least 4 times this evening, and I’ve gotten in the habit of using Cetaphil to enhance pleasure. Each time I went, I used more and more of it, until eventually, less than an hour ago of writing this, I did so with an entire small bottle for the thrill of it. Left a big mess on my dime-a-dozen rug, which I used my dirty clothes to mop up, which there’s still some soaked in the rug a bit.

It’s here that I realize that something has to change. For innumerable reasons, first and foremost to stay pure for myself, for God, and for my girlfriend, I need to work at finding a true method for containing my urges that works. I take Adderall for ADHD, and it gives my thoughts a sort of checkpoint to stop and consider the action I’m thinking about. Yet I still chose to do it even when it does nothing but make messes literally and mentally, and even when the Adderall is reducing my sexual desire and pleasure, making it feel less worth it. I’ve also developed a bad habit of lusting after people I know on Instagram. I’m a sucker for a pretty girl, and it’s not that my girlfriend isn’t attractive to me, but she’s not there when I get those feelings, and even if she was, she wouldn’t always be able to satisfy me anytime I needed it, so my self control needs some serious work (and I should probably let get the eff off Instagram).

P has become much less enticing to me since starting my Adderall, oddly, so I feel as though the weak link here is keeping my sexual energy in check. Something needs to change. I can’t keep spilling bottles of lotion on my rug, I can’t keep treating other women with more reverence than my God and the woman I love, and I can’t keep letting my impulses control me. I keep having thoughts now that I’ve gone too far, that this is never going to work out for me, that I’ll never cut this habit, but I know that isn’t true, since my immediate thought after that was to come here. I don’t inherently doubt I can change, and I will change. But I feel the first step is not just acknowledging my issue, but doing so in the midst of people who can relate and understand it.

I’m a pretty open book, so feel free to ask anything. I wrote about my most ridiculous experience with PMO yet, so I have no shame at this point anyway. I could use all the insight I can get. Thank you for reading.
 
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