Getting out of the old routine

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by J. Fylz, Dec 11, 2017.

  1. J. Fylz

    J. Fylz Fapstronaut

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    I want to get an opinion about this so honesty would be appreciated.

    I’ve been in a relationship for over 15 years and we have been married for a year now. Obviously when we started we were very attracted to each other and were constantly fooling around, touching, kissing....just being near him was exciting. But we have fallen into a pattern of sex on the weekends, I know that we are both exhausted because work has us stressed but how do I rekindle that level of attraction? I know my fapping habit definitely had something to do with it, but now that I’m 40 days in (and all other stimulation is out of the picture) I want to get us back to being intimate spontaneously. I need to feel like I am a part of a sexual relationship as well as being married to my best friend.

    I’ve thought of the idea of dating him again-if only in my own head. Returning to the constant need to be near him, to surprise him with small gifts or notes in the hope that this will spark mutual connection.

    This is not to say that my end goal is sex all the time....to be completely honest I would enjoy just cuddling or sharing intimacy. I can’t help but feel that things have gone off and I’m not sure exactly what (everything) it was.

    Suggestions?
    Thoughts?
    Guidance?
    Help!
     
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  2. Talk about it with them and be open to the possibility that they may want less physical intimacy tand you'll have to find new ways to be intimate. In other words: compromise.
     
    J. Fylz likes this.
  3. J. Fylz

    J. Fylz Fapstronaut

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    Thanks! I appreciate the feedback.
    Honesty and compromise should have been a part of my wedding vows. Because without them it’s not really a union but two ships temporarily traveling together
     
  4. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I tried to start a thread called the nice list to encourage people to be nicer and lovey and genuinely care about caring for each other again.
    It sort of flopped.
    But yes... Even if it's being so thoughtful as a cup of coffee every day... You never know what can turn the day around by making new habits!
     
  5. J. Fylz

    J. Fylz Fapstronaut

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    I love that idea for a thread
     
  6. Arohamystic

    Arohamystic Fapstronaut

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    Wow, brother - I'm stalking all your journal entries because your life mirrors mine in so many ways.
    I've been in a relationship for the same amount of time and my situation is similar. I want more romance and spontaneity in my relationship - I want sparks to be flying! (And also, I'd like sex to be more frequent).

    One of the problems I've encountered is that although I'm going through a reboot, my wife isn't - so she is used to and comfortable with the status quo. I tried talking to her about our relationship and it backfired... "You just want more sex because you're not PMO-ing anymore." So, I have decided to implement some of the suggestions you have outlined above. Gifts, flirting, complements, listening, playfulness - not having sex as the end goal. Things seem to be improving... slowly. I've come to realize this will not be a one-month fix. It is going to take some time...but love will win!
     
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  7. J. Fylz

    J. Fylz Fapstronaut

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    Sorry I didn’t see this response until just now! I’m glad you found something in my post that is helpful! You are correct, creating an environment where intimacy (and eventually sex) is more frequent starts with beginning to see your spouse as you did when you were dating. This means really looking with fresh eyes at all the things that drew you together to begin with. It is certainly not a quick fix because you are not only rebuilding your emotional response system but also your rewards expectations to include seeing her happy as enough of a reward for you. Another factor which you mentioned is your wife (obviously) you will need to rebuild the trust and connection between the two of you, especially when it comes to gratification but emotionally and sexually. It will take a while but it is quite literally a labor of LOVE! I look forward to your objective documentation of this process should you care to share any of this journey.
     
  8. Arohamystic

    Arohamystic Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your comments, brother. And I agree, it definitely will be a labor of LOVE to reconnect with my wife, but it will be worth it in the end.

    I was a little shocked yesterday - my wife saw me wishing friends on Facebook a Merry Christmas, and sending them love-filled comments - and she said, "Wow, you speak so lovingly to them, why do you not do that to me?" It was a wake up call for me. My wife is my romantic partner - I can't (legitimately) have any other. I must treasure her and woo her, the same way I did when we were dating. This is my challenge.

    How is everything going between you and your partner? Have you implemented any of the dating strategies you mentioned above?
     

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