Getting porn out of my relationship - reflections

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by blacktea, Sep 23, 2021.

  1. blacktea

    blacktea Fapstronaut

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    Hi everyone, just posting a journal about how my porn addiction has affected my relationship.

    I am a porn addict who has had fairly good success with being porn free and was porn free for quite a few years. Unfortunately I broke up with my previous partner, and went to porn for comfort. I stopped again, and then got in a new relationship. However, unfortunately I fell into the trap of pornography again.

    I am writing this today because I realise the bad affects it is having on my relationship, and to help give me accountability to stop this compulsive behaviour.

    As for most people on here, pornography isn't really something I enjoy. It is used as an escape when things get difficult, a maladaptive response which is easy to go to, and easy to hide. However it seeps slowly into many aspects of our lives, with relationships being one of those things. In my relationship it sometimes brings me to have bad thoughts and misvalue what is important in a relationship. My brain craves women who look like women in pornography. The women in pornography are women who have had a lot of plastic/cosmetic surgery and of course shot in all the right angles. Not very close to real life.

    Needless to say, my partner isn't a porn star. By using porn it is making me think my partner doesn't look good enough because she doesn't live up to this. This leads to lots of problems in my relationship and makes me not value my partner. I need to sort out this issue as I will never be satisfied.

    It also undervalues the emotional connection with a partner. The real connection which love is based on is an emotional/spiritual connection. Pornography has distorted this value and has taught me that love is based on image only.

    As well as this, I see porn as a form of cheating. There is a lot of guilt and shame associated with this.

    I had a moment of weakness earlier and during a discussion with my partner asked if they would work towards being more my type. This was a horrible thing to say, and caused my partner to question if I truly love her.

    I haven't been able to see my partner for a while due to lockdowns - unfortunately this is also contributing a lot to my mental health and making it a lot harder to stop using pornography.

    My partner is quite attractive, and we get on really well. However my porn usage is clearly getting in the way of the relationship. I hate pornography and don't want it to be a part of my life.
     
  2. blacktea

    blacktea Fapstronaut

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    Day 2 of my journal.

    Today I realised my mind set wasn't in a good place last night and my brain was craving porn to feel better. It was then projecting this onto my partner because my brain was thinking that pornography is the thing that will help me.

    I managed to go outside today (due to reducing lockdowns) and I felt a lot better. It made me realise the lockdowns are really eroding my spiritual and mental wellbeing and making me almost a different person. This loneliness and depression really triggers pornography for me. I think it is important to continue to take opportunity of decreasing restrictions and enjoy a more normal lifestyle of being around people and going outside.

    When I went outside I found my eyes being drawn to women walking by and was having to consciously stop my brain from doing this. Part of me thinks this is good because it says I find normal women attractive. However, having a partner I shouldn't be doing this so much, and I was very much seeing them partially through a 'pornographic lens'. It probably doesn't help I am unable to see my partner at the moment due to lockdowns, but I think this behaviour is a residual of 'needing porn'. I'm hoping and expecting over time this will reduce and I am able to concentrate my sex drive at my partner. I'm also worried this is my porn brain looking for 'new excitement'. Porn allows access to such variety which isn't possible if you are seeking a healthy relationship. The idea of being with one body type frightens me a bit and I am scared of not being satisfied. This is when ideas of doubt pop in my head about whether my partner will be able to satisfy me. I hate having these thoughts, and as I said, not being able to see her allows my mind to doubt itself. I hope this doubt goes away. I think in any relationship I am in this will always be a problem if I continue pornography.

    I've found with porn there is a complex entanglement with normal love and sex that has been distorted. I'm hoping I can pull these apart over time and have a healthy love and sex life.
     
  3. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    It’s incredible that you understand and acknowledge the damage pmo does to your relationship. I want to point out something though. If you are only with someone because of their body type, or for sex alone, you will very quickly tire of them. If however, you find someone you’re attracted too and they have the qualities and values you yourself have, you will not grow bored if you are not using porn. I looked at my husband yesterday. He looks nothing like the man who walked down the aisle. His black hair is almost completely grey. He’s 50 pounds heavier, has some love handles. He was talking, then stopped and said “ what?”? I said “ man you are attractive right now, you are gorgeous”. Then he said “ no, you are the beautiful one, I love you so much”.
    We’ve been together 35 years. Married almost 30. I love him more today than my wedding day. Once he gave up pmo and got into recovery, our relationship improved 1000%. Pmo ruins relationships and destroys who you are. My husband is incredibly different when he’s using. Three years ago I told a counselor I was just trying to figure out how to divorce him without hurting the kids or hurting him too much. No one is a selfish as an addict, and a porn addict also devalues their partner. The difference in my husband is mind blowing. I never knew it could have such a devastating impact on him as a person. He is still attracted to me and we love being together, which is saying a lot since he retired last December and we’ve been somewhat locked down.
     
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  4. blacktea

    blacktea Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the insight Psalm27:1mylight. As someone who is addicted two minds are in combat, one which says body type/sex is the most important thing, and one which says love is a lot deeper than that. I was lucky enough to meet my current partner when I wasn't under the influence of porn, and the love was created on something a lot more true. However, because unfortunately I went back to porn these thoughts are put in doubt and instead body type/sex has gained more influence. It hasn't helped seen I haven't been able to seen her in person due to lockdowns.

    What you have said really helps give strength to the side of me that says love is a lot deeper than just body type/sex. It seems like common sense, but when the addict brain is in full power you forget common sense. I will continue to be strong and porn free so that I can appreciate love for what it is.

    I think me seeing my porn brain come out and say hurtful things to her really shocked me, and it hurt me to hurt her. It is very selfish when someone else gives you their love, but you don't appreciate it and instead look at other women. And all the changes you mention - you really do become like a different person. The person I was when I said those hurtful things compared to me now are very different.

    I really appreciate your encouragement and wisdom!
     
  5. blacktea

    blacktea Fapstronaut

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    Day 6 of my journal

    I have been going pretty well the last few days without much temptation due to being busy. The thoughts and obsessions have been calming down.

    However tonight I was a bit less busy and felt a bit lonely and came across some suggestive imagery which set of my porn addiction. I removed myself from the imagery, looked at a picture of my partner and moved somewhere else. The combination of loneliness/wanting love and imagery are my main triggers, with porn being a false substitute for love.

    I feel more in control when my porn brain starts churning and telling me 'I need it'. I am able to have more power against the thoughts and take action before they become overwhelming. I am still wary because once something triggers me it is not only difficult in that moment, but often for some time after. I just have to endure this feeling of loneliness for the moment in recognition that pornography will only be shooting myself in the foot. I already have a loving partner, and should be focusing on that.

    I'm still not sure if there is a better way of dealing with it for the duration after. I can't go out at the moment, and my usual stress relief strategies can't be done due to lockdown. I could maybe call a friend quickly although people are probably tired from work due to it being a week night.

    I know my weakness is around bedtime and late at night, so I will make sure I remove electronics from my area.
     

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