I just realised that a big part of my problem is that I am not serious enough. really. As in in general. As in I think I feel that I am evading to face things head on. Kind of hoping it will just go away in some weird way. And not porn. The thing that makes me go to porn. It is an act. For me this so called addiction is an act. Just an act so I do not see the reality I do not want to see. That is what is so addictive to me. The fantasy. Instant, stupid fantasies. Weird fucked up fantasies. Not so much the sexual impulse. I wish it were so easy for me. Not facing the true reality. That is what porn is really doing. And if am not willing to see that reality, with all the will I can muster, than no therapy, not medication, no nothing will ever truly help me. Oh sure it could create another false surrogate, another mind numbing defense mechanism, but that cannot really work. Eating rocks shaped as potatoes is not eating potatoes. So I may have help, I may get help, it might truly be enough for me, but only if my will, no matter how feeble it is, is directed into facing, feeling, acting in reality.