Getting to a Real Relationship: Reboot Log

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by LifeRunner, Jul 14, 2021.

  1. LifeRunner

    LifeRunner Fapstronaut

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    My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 10 months now and during that time she has taught me a lot about what it means to be in a loving relationship. She trusts me and does little things to make me feel loved and happy. A month ago we left university and started working in separate countries. We will be dating long distance for at least a year and a half until I feel okay leaving my first job and moving closer to her. Before she left, she told me that she feels hurt over how I did not put much effort into the relationship. She felt as if I did not prioritize the relationship. One example is that she would always invite me out on trips to meet her friends and family. I did not and would prefer just staying at home or going on walks. I realize now that I need to be a better boyfriend in order to keep her. I need to take her out on dates and cherish our relationship. She has been a wonderful person in my life and has taught me a lot about what it is like to be in a loving relationship.

    I think one of the reasons why I do not have the level of trust and commitment to the relationship is my porn addiction. While we were together, I still PMO'd about once every week. I think the porn makes it hard for me to feel as attached to her. It makes it hard for me to talk with her because I know that I am not a completely open book. Porn also intensifies my insecurities. I am insecure that my girlfriend is interested in other guys and that insecurity is greater now that she lives in another country. What I see in porn normalizes infidelity which is not great for any relationship. Although, logically, she has never given off any signs of ever being interested in other guys.

    So I am starting this reboot log to document my recovery. I have been watching porn ever since I can remember, probably starting when I was 10 years old. I want to recover from this problem so that I can give our relationship a chance of lasting. She is a wonderful girl and I want to stop hurting her. I also just want live a happier life. My time in University was overshadowed by constant depression and mediocrity. Now that I am starting my first job, I want to have a fresh start. The past four years have sucked, but the next four can be better. I want to be able to live without anxiety and to have a variety of close, relationships.

    Part of my strategy to overcome this problem is to fill my time with healthy hobbies. One of the hobbies is mindfulness meditation.I generally feel calmer and make better decisions after 5 minutes of deep breathing.

    Another hobby is exercise. Exercise reduces my stress and anxiety and makes me feel happy and hopeful about the future. I enjoy playing tennis, running, and walking and I hope to exercise everyday.

    Moreover, I would like to establish a stretching routine. Stretching helps to ease my back pain and helps me to relax.

    Another hobby is reading. Reading is an activity that I enjoyed when I was younger, but lost interest in as I grew older. But the reality is that reading helps me to relax and think about life from another person's shoes. I also think that being able to read and comprehend things quickly is an important skill in any job I have in life.

    I am interested in maybe learning how to play the guitar too.

    Another part of my strategy is to stop drinking caffeinated drinks. Coffee and tea are very alluring because they supposedly help me to wake up, but I find that even though I feel more awake. I feel a lot more chaotic. When I stop using porn, I feel a lot of anxiety. The caffeine heightens the anxiety and makes it more likely for me to relapse.

    I expect that for the first month of quitting, I will experience pretty intense anxiety and lack of sleep. My body wants me to go back to porn so it will make me feel as terrible as possible until I do so. Knowing this ahead of time should help me.
     
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2021 at 3:29 PM
  2. LifeRunner

    LifeRunner Fapstronaut

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    I went on an hour long walk which helped to ease some of my anxiety. I was still feeling the tension for the first 20 minutes of the walk, but afterwards it died down. It is now a couple hours after the walk and I am feeling happier and more settled.

    I would not recommend starting a committed relationship if you have not gotten past this addiction. If you are still stuck in your addiction, you may end up hurting your partner.
     
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2021
    Lilla_My and hope4healing like this.
  3. LifeRunner

    LifeRunner Fapstronaut

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    Meditation does not really help me with urges, but I think that in general, it helps me to think more clearly and to be more intentional with my time.
     
  4. LifeRunner

    LifeRunner Fapstronaut

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    I woke up this morning and felt terrible. Laid in bed for an hour, but once I got up and started moving things started to get better.

    I have found setting small, achievable goals as helpful for getting me to do things. For example, when I am lying in bed not wanting to do anything, I will tell myself that my goal is just to get out of bed and brush my teeth. Or when I have finished brushing my teeth, my next small goal is to finish a glass of water.
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2021
    hope4healing likes this.
  5. LifeRunner

    LifeRunner Fapstronaut

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    My gf and I have been up and down lately, but currently we are doing well. A couple of days ago I planned a long weekend where we would both fly to the same city and do some sightseeing together. It has renewed our spirits and I think we are both looking forward to seeing each other after being separated for a couple of months.
     
  6. LifeRunner

    LifeRunner Fapstronaut

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    I do not know if this is a common symptom once people start abstaining from PMO, but for the past few days, I have not been sleeping well at all. I go to bed and take about an hour to go to sleep and then wake up about 5 hours later and have trouble getting back to sleep.

    Despite being tired, I am still trying to hit my daily goals and am hoping that in a couple of weeks I will be able to sleep soundly.
     
  7. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I dont know if you're familiar with this thread but figured I would share it just in case you find it helpful. They talk about withdrawal symptoms and one is insomnia

    https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/p-a-w-s-what-are-they-cure-duration.231859/
     
    LifeRunner likes this.
  8. LifeRunner

    LifeRunner Fapstronaut

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  9. LifeRunner

    LifeRunner Fapstronaut

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    I know that the biggest urges should be coming up soon. Trying to keep myself busy and get to bed early, even though I often lie in bed without sleeping.

    I have also noticed that I make very impulsive decisions. I should stop doing that. I need to think about a decision for at least a week before I do anything.
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2021
  10. LifeRunner

    LifeRunner Fapstronaut

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    Still having trouble sleep, but I think overall I am happier throughout the day. I feel more confident trying new things.

    Feeling some pretty strong urges to view porn today. Overall, have been feeling very tired all day. I have felt light headed, and all I want to do is mindlessly use the internet.
     
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2021 at 9:13 PM
  11. LifeRunner

    LifeRunner Fapstronaut

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    I sense that my girlfriend is having trouble still believing in our relationship. I need to show a pretty significant change soon in order for her to stay.
     
  12. Does your gf know about your PA and your recovery efforts?
     
  13. LifeRunner

    LifeRunner Fapstronaut

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    No. Not sure if it is a good time to reveal it.
     
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2021 at 5:22 PM
  14. LifeRunner

    LifeRunner Fapstronaut

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    Was feeling pretty anxious and tired today. Did about 10 minutes of stretching and some of the anxiety has gone away.
     

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