Gf found out, tells me we are no longer a team.

G

Galak

New Fapstronaut
Hi everyone,

First time posting here. Today my gf of 9years caught watching porn despite having told me it makes her feel uncomfortable several years ago. I've been experiencing PIED since the start of the relationship because I watched a lot of porn in my youth, but I only started connecting the cause and effect a few years ago. I tried to battle it out on my own but nothing seemed to stick and finally she caught me for the 3rd time in our relationship today.

She's already separated our stuff in 2 different rooms of our appartment and she told me "You've lied to me just like my dad used to do. We are no longer a team since I can not trust you and you'll never touch me again."

We're both eachother's firsts which means neither of us have ever had a sexual relationship that wasnt impacted by PIED and now its seems we'll never get to.

I honestly feel like she'd be better off if I had never entered her life. I downloaded a tracker app to start a reboot but I feel like my life is already ruined anyway.
 
Galak said:
Hi everyone,

First time posting here. Today my gf of 9years caught watching porn despite having told me it makes her feel uncomfortable several years ago. I've been experiencing PIED since the start of the relationship because I watched a lot of porn in my youth, but I only started connecting the cause and effect a few years ago. I tried to battle it out on my own but nothing seemed to stick and finally she caught me for the 3rd time in our relationship today.

She's already separated our stuff in 2 different rooms of our appartment and she told me "You've lied to me just like my dad used to do. We are no longer a team since I can not trust you and you'll never touch me again."

We're both eachother's firsts which means neither of us have ever had a sexual relationship that wasnt impacted by PIED and now its seems we'll never get to.

I honestly feel like she'd be better off if I had never entered her life. I downloaded a tracker app to start a reboot but I feel like my life is already ruined anyway.
Click to expand...

Hey man. Don't give up, dont beat yourself and try to be the best version of yourself. I'll explain.

You fucked it, you broke her trust to you and she's probably devastated by this. She definitely meant what she said and that's something you have to accept. BUT it's important to realize, that even if she feels like that right now, she will always feels that way. And with high probability she'll forget about it, if you show her that you're her support, man she can trust. And of course, prepare yourself that if you fuck up anything, she'll remind you what you did. That's the price for messing up. But if you try, you'll earn her love and trust. So first advice - don't give up.

There's no reason for selfpityness. Yeah, you feel like bag of shit, she rejected you, everything is the worst. Well this attitude don't get you anywhere. If you'll be self-pitying chicken, she'll be even more mad at you. You need to show her that you apologize for your behavior, but you don't feel sorry for yourself. Show her that you are the man who can keep his head up and back straight. Faces his mistakes with no fear. So don't beat yourself.

And the last part is self-explanatory. She hates you, because you broke her trust. You have to apologize to her, but she won't admire you for apologizing and beating yourself over your flaws. You have to show her that you're strong, reliable partner. It'll take some to win her heart again, but you have to try it. So be the best man you can.

Hope this will help. I know how shitty this situation is and how bad it feels. I do all the mistakes I just warned you about everytime I get in fight with my wife. So I know it doesnt work. Good luck.
 
Disagree with foxhole. You’re done in this relationship. Best move on and out. Spend time on your own and deal with your addiction, stop PMO, and regain your male health. Unless and until you have reached those goals you are short changing yourself and a potential new partner in a relationship.
 
Galak said:
Today my gf of 9years caught watching porn despite having told me it makes her feel uncomfortable several years ago. I've been experiencing PIED since the start of the relationship because I watched a lot of porn in my youth, but I only started connecting the cause and effect a few years ago. I tried to battle it out on my own but nothing seemed to stick and finally she caught me for the 3rd time in our relationship today.

She's already separated our stuff in 2 different rooms of our appartment and she told me "You've lied to me just like my dad used to do. We are no longer a team since I can not trust you and you'll never touch me again."

We're both eachother's firsts which means neither of us have ever had a sexual relationship that wasnt impacted by PIED and now its seems we'll never get to.

I honestly feel like she'd be better off if I had never entered her life. I downloaded a tracker app to start a reboot but I feel like my life is already ruined anyway.
Click to expand...
You have my sympathy. You're in a rough spot.

First, about you. Your pain, grief, shock, and regret is appropriate. With time you might experience other emotions; anger, at your girlfriend for making such a big deal about this or at yourself for letting P sink its claws into you. You might try to weasel out a compromise, trying to find a way to hang onto the addiction. That's normal, but the only solution where you have a chance at good mental health, whether or not she stays, is to get rid of the addiction. It's not easy, though. I strongly advise starting a journal, perhaps finding an accountability partner, and learning about replacing triggering thoughts etc.

About your girlfriend. She is right to be angry and nothing she's done that you described is inappropriate. She made a boundary and you did not respect it. You did lie, and it sounds like she has a deep history with particular kind of lie. It's good that all of this is out in the open. She had a right to know. She also has a right to end the relationship, and the ethical thing is to respect whatever choice she makes. However, your life isn't ruined, and the relationship may not be ruined. You have nine years with her, and it sounds like you've strong history with one another.

You have to apologize. Don't blame, and don't make excuses. You can tell her you didn't understand the magnitude of the betrayal, but you recognize it now and you are sorry. You can tell her, if it's the truth, that you had tried to quit before when she asked, but did not know it would be so hard to do. You have resources now, and you are actively working on it. Don't ask for her to come back. You don't have the right to ask her back.
A lot of SOs do not understand the hold P can have. They have a lot of misconceptions about how we interact with it, both culturally and chemically, but right now it is not in your best interests to try to explain. All you can do is tell her you are making an effort to quit, and show her you are making an effort to quit.
 
tonyk1982 said:
Disagree with foxhole. You’re done in this relationship. Best move on and out. Spend time on your own and deal with your addiction, stop PMO, and regain your male health. Unless and until you have reached those goals you are short changing yourself and a potential new partner in a relationship.
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Disagree.
Of course, depends on the relatioship, but I am really impressed how everyone giving up on relationships like it's an old pair of socks. "I don't like your new haircut, lets break up". And while I understand, that some relationships just dont work I dont think that breaking up with first signs of disagreement is a solution. This way you will end up changing partners without any need to evolve. And ends up where you started.

Should Galak first "regain his man health" before he get in a relationship? It depends but generaly I dont agree with it. We are all broken in many ways. I am porn addict, have low self-esteem, have terible relatioship with my family, I am not really asertive, my wrist aches, my breath doesn't smell great I tend to judge people in my head, I drink too much coffee... Should I divorce with my wife, fix myself and start new relationship after?

Life is a messy place and we'll never be perfect. We have to do our best to fight for stuff that worth it.

So unless the relationship is shitty by itself (and not because yoh got caught), it worth fight for it.
 
tonyk1982 said:
Disagree with foxhole. You’re done in this relationship. Best move on and out. Spend time on your own and deal with your addiction, stop PMO, and regain your male health. Unless and until you have reached those goals you are short changing yourself and a potential new partner in a relationship.
Click to expand...
Geez, I mean they are together for 9 years. You really think they should break up because he got caught playing with his willy?

Move to a desert with other nofappers and practice semen retention, cold showers, positive affirmations and bikram yoga until he got the ability to move objects purely with a strenght of his mind?
 
Meshuga said:
You might try to weasel out a compromise, trying to find a way to hang onto the addiction.
Click to expand...

Thats what I was doing while I was trying to quit in secret. I'd tell myself I was overreacting or imagining things. But when I saw how much the lie hurt her, I understood that the only solution thats ever gonna work is to totally eradicate my addiction.

About not expecting her to forgive me. Thats the assumption I was laboring under because even if I do go on this magical life changing journey and become a better man, I dont see how she could stop perceiving me as some kind of deviant or sex pest.

We had a talk yesterday. She explained why she was upset and I apologized sincerely making sure she knew that the only one at fault is me. She now knows im on a program and what my goals are. She said she doesnt know if she'll ever be able to trust me ever again. We had this verbal agreement as a joke that if I cheated on her i'd have to go one one of those rides that slingshots you into the air because im afraid of heights.

We both know I didnt actually cheat but Im guessing its time to face my fear of heights lol.
 
Foxhole said:
Move to a desert with other nofappers and practice semen retention, cold showers, positive affirmations and bikram yoga until he got the ability to move objects purely with a strenght of his mind?
Click to expand...

Haha. I feel like its part and parcel of a 9yr gf/bf arrangement. People assume we're just not serious because we didnt get god or the state involved.

But seriously though, I dont plan on giving up on this relationship. I just hope fixing our trust is even possible at this point.
 
Galak said:
Hi everyone,

First time posting here. Today my gf of 9years caught watching porn despite having told me it makes her feel uncomfortable several years ago. I've been experiencing PIED since the start of the relationship because I watched a lot of porn in my youth, but I only started connecting the cause and effect a few years ago. I tried to battle it out on my own but nothing seemed to stick and finally she caught me for the 3rd time in our relationship today.

She's already separated our stuff in 2 different rooms of our appartment and she told me "You've lied to me just like my dad used to do. We are no longer a team since I can not trust you and you'll never touch me again."

We're both eachother's firsts which means neither of us have ever had a sexual relationship that wasnt impacted by PIED and now its seems we'll never get to.

I honestly feel like she'd be better off if I had never entered her life. I downloaded a tracker app to start a reboot but I feel like my life is already ruined anyway.
Click to expand...

Your situation reminds me a lot of my own. I hid my P use and my relationship definitely suffered from PIED.

At the start of my recovery process my wife was ready to leave me and I fully believed that she would go through with that. I got started with NoFap, did hard mode to begin with and wrote a journal entry every day. I put a lot of effort in to trying to improve myself as a person and rebuild our relationship stronger.

My PIED improved significantly, going from me having issues getting erect and not being able to finish during sex to actually being able to finish from her hands. My wife went from wanting to leave me to us deciding to have a child together.

I got complacent and have messed up since then but the point is that if you are serious about getting clean and you can prove that to your girlfriend there is potentially a chance to make things work. This is a long term process but just focus on getting through each day to begin with. Be open and honest about how your recovery is going- that's a mistake I've made too many times and I'm paying for it now.

Best of luck starting out on your journey!
 
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