Girl describing a dude on nofap

I copied and pasted this from NoFap.com back in November 2018. It's a very interesting read and maybe it's the article you're thinking about. It's from a lady writing about a guy who was not on porn at first and his interactions with her. She shares the dramatic affect on him and those interactions after he started viewing porn. Long but I think well worth the read:

The Difference: A totally unscientific observation from a lady point of view



http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/26n170/the_difference_a_totally_unscientific_observation/



Thought I would share this story. Might be of interest, might not. I'm not making a judging on porn or porn use, but just an observation I had on a recent experience in regards to a fella.

So: I move in a shared house with two other people, guy and a girl. The house is pretty bare, and due to a mix-up with providers, we don't get internet for almost two months. Let's call the man K. K and I get on like a pair of things that really, really get on. We have so many 'in sync' moments ('hey, I have the back catalogue of Babylon 5 too!') it is slightly sickening. He makes me laugh. He laughs a lot. He looks me in the eye when he talks to me. He looks at everyone like he is interested in them, and listens intently to their thoughts and views. When he comes home from work (he works as a maths teacher) he talks with such enthusiasm about his job I can almost see the appeal of maths myself - no mean feat for someone who got an D at GCSE and still uses her hands to count.



Alongside all of this, there's almost an instant physical and incredibly powerful attraction. It's unusual for me to feel such an instant and strong attraction to a guy. There's just something incredibly and alluringly masculine about him, like he's set off some primitive hindbrain jabbering LIKE THIS MAN THIS MAN GOOD LOOK AT HIS MAN ARMS AND MAN CHEST AND MAN FACE MAN MAN MAN in my subconscious. Looks wise, he's kinda on the rotund side, glasses, slightly unkempt beard, and probably a bit too much skull for his face (he probably needs it though for keeping all his maths brains in). He's not objectively speaking, the most physically attractive of men. But for some reason he is to me. Everything about him leaves me smitten. Here's another thing. He smells really good, although I can't define the scent or put my finger on it. He doesn't wear aftershave. I think it is just something about him. I make excuses to hang out with him and be around him, which is pretty easy when you live within ten metres of each-other. And I think he might like me too. I'm an old-fashioned kind of girl, plus I know that any sort of relationship with a housemate is disastrous for a shared house, so my rational and controlled self stops me from flinging myself into his manly man arms but wow. It was kind of enjoyable - and odd as it sounds, wholesome - just to be attracted to someone in such a spontaneous and natural way.



Then we get the internet.



Over the next month or so, things change so drastically it is weird for me to think about how I used to feel about him. He spends more and more time in his room, door locked, getting up later and later for work. He doesn't look anyone in the eye - in fact, he doesn't meet mine or anyone's eyes much anymore. He doesn't laugh much or seem to take enjoyment in anything. The interest and enthusiasm he had when talking to people, or about maths, or nineties sci-fi has disappeared. He's made occasional but incredibly inappropriate comments about myself and my housemates to us that seem out of the blue and out of character. His skin looks grey and greasy. He was fast tracking his career and now he seems to be falling further and further behind. And for some obscure reason, streaming tv shows at about 8.30 pm becomes an absolute nightmare for me or my other housemate.



The indefinable attraction I felt for him disappears. He doesn't smell good anymore. His eyes look dead. In fact, my bodily instincts have taken a U turn - instead of encouraging me to scoot up to him they are subtly warning me to stay away.



This could all be coincidence, of course. He's still essentially the same guy and a good one, and I'm not suggesting porn has turned him into a bad person - just a less good and less attractive version of the man he could be. I'm not a scientist or psychologist or anything sort of 'ist'. But I don't think it is any accident there's a correlation between getting the internet and this undefinable aura of man-ness disappearing. It makes me think porn is capable of altering a person's body chemistry and bearing. I guess what I am trying to say is that I'm starting to realise how many people I'm surrounded by losing out, myself included, because of porn. I wonder how many missed chances there have been, because something is repressed or used up or changed by watching it.



TL;DR Was smitten by man with invisible manliness hormones, internet



EDIT: Trousers! Thanks for all of your replies. I'll try and answer things more thoroughly tonight when I get home from work. To quickly answer a few recurring things:

"How do you know it's porn?" - short answer, obviously I can't know for 100 percent for sure, and I'm not sure shouting ARE YOU ENGAGING IN THE SIN OF ONANISM YOUNG MAN at his door is going to come under the auspices of 'reasonable behaviour' on our housing contract. However, I can say a) he's not actually a big computer / internet user and he doesn't play computer games. b) It's mostly instinct...he just seems....off and kind of repellent in those times - like he stumbles out of his bedroom, won't look me in the eye if I'm in the corridor at the same time, and rushes into the shower. c) when I have gone into the bedroom asking about general housemate stuff (always knocking first) I can him him hastily clicking and the screen is always a blank webpage when I go in...while he is sprawled with his laptop on the bed. Maybe he just has a thing for blank webpages, who knows. d) my housemate has picked up on the same 'vibe' e) his poor computer is riddled with malware, I keep offering to fix it (I work as a tech monkey) but he won't let me near it. In my experience fixing computers, most of the time people get lots of malware and viruses is through porn pop-ups or internet incompetence. f) zombie eyes, weird 'smell'.



A bit more explanation: I'm not making a moral judgement on porn or porn watching, or masturbation. It's actually something I don't think about much. I don't look at porn but I guess that lots of people do either in the form of videos or erotica. For my own personal reasons, I haven't had sex and I'm not sexually active in any way, as mentioned, I'm kind of old fashioned. Although there are always challenges to that, I'm actually very happy, and waiting for the right person and right situation. A note on the attraction I was trying to describe: I'm a bit concerned that some people are suggesting I tell him I was 'super horny' when I first met him and he should give up porn so we can get together. That's a bit much. As weird as it sounds, the attraction wasn't exactly a sexual one (although I'm sure it would have been the essential element developing sexual attraction), it was even more basic. It felt natural and non weird and very instinctive, operating, to invert a phrase, a 'Me Jane, You Tarzan' level. It was very much "You smell good. You are nice. For some reason I am besotted with all your manly manliness. Look, I'm wearing a dress, it's nice, I like you. Look, I made you something with potatoes in. You smell good. Hi." Obviously, I like his personality and had fun with him when we were hanging out, but I'm talking about something at a super basic level - something you could almost 'smell'.



Edit 2: Work break! Some comments have asked how do I know about r/nofap? I read r/getmotivated and it was mentioned. I remember reading some threads on here and being fascinated by the male perspective on it all. Then I forgot about it, had this experience, and decided to post about it. I'm also starting to get interested in what internet pornography might be doing to the current generation in terms of relationships and attractions between the sexes.









*Edited by me only to separate the paragraphs*

 

I didn't do any editing on this that last sentence is from the original author.

Also I think this section is particularly interesting:

"Then we get the internet.



Over the next month or so, things change so drastically it is weird for me to think about how I used to feel about him. He spends more and more time in his room, door locked, getting up later and later for work. He doesn't look anyone in the eye - in fact, he doesn't meet mine or anyone's eyes much anymore. He doesn't laugh much or seem to take enjoyment in anything. The interest and enthusiasm he had when talking to people, or about maths, or nineties sci-fi has disappeared. He's made occasional but incredibly inappropriate comments about myself and my housemates to us that seem out of the blue and out of character. His skin looks grey and greasy. He was fast tracking his career and now he seems to be falling further and further behind. And for some obscure reason, streaming tv shows at about 8.30 pm becomes an absolute nightmare for me or my other housemate.



The indefinable attraction I felt for him disappears. He doesn't smell good anymore. His eyes look dead. In fact, my bodily instincts have taken a U turn - instead of encouraging me to scoot up to him they are subtly warning me to stay away."

 

''Eyes never lie''.

 

Excellent read.

 

Honestly think this thread needs to be pinned at the top of somewhere.

 

Bloody good read. I as a man having issues with PMO, have made this experience myself. For some reason people just know. It's not just women it's other men too. I feel like I am less respected in general when I am on PMO. I am pretty sure that it influences us in a subconcious way which changes our behaviour and bearing. It may also be chemicals and nonverbal cues. Doesn't really matter though. The point is, people will treat you differently. You will not be yourself when you are on PMO.

 

so basically,
he faked it till he almost made it
wanted to bang her
failed, lost his chance
slowly slipped back to his default state
neckbeard.

 

Very interesting, and definitely very encouraging story.

After seeing some of the things described I'm thinking it's very likely that porn is to blame.

 

The girl who posted that piece made a follow up post. Very interesting read, including comments at the end.

https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/2gmec3/the_difference_a_totally_unscientific_observation/



Summary: Moved with a manperson. Felt utterly besotted on a very basic level. We get internet. He gets porn. Things change a lot. Makes more sense in context of original post that I am too lazy to go into again.

Anyway, thought I'd write a follow-up post to my original one. Wow, three months. It's astonishing to read over it and think...I once felt like that about this guy.

I think K has turned into, or already was, a chronic porn user - although probably not any more so than the average 30 something guy with highspeed internet access. The burgeoning attraction I felt for him at the start (it seems so long ago, and I can barely imagine it now) is totally dead. In fact, it has gone the opposite way. Something about him makes me feel slightly repelled and squeamish. It's very weird, because I think he is a really great person. We have lots in common. He's funny. He's the kind of guy that if I met now I'd think, "wow, I wish I was attracted to him, he's so nice and etc etc and we have so much in common...but we just don't have that spark." The very weird thing I know we did have that "spark" in the old, pre-internet house, and it - hneh- turned off so dramatically and suddenly at pretty much at the same time the router turned on.

Summary of how I felt about him then:

ME three months ago: OH MY GODS I MIGHT HAVE TO MOVE OUT HOW WILL I RESIST HIS MANLY CHARMS i've just surreptitiously smelled the jumper he left on the sofa oh no i am being a creep. i am a jumper smelling creep. a creepete. maybe i should look at other houses. oh he is back! better hand him back his sofa jumper so I have an excuse to look at his face, HI FACE

Summary of how I feel about him now:

ME [now]: Why is he washing so many socks? Seriously, who wears that many socks in a week. Maybe he has some secret feet I don't know about. Oh no, I hope he doesn't do that thing where he brushes past me in the kitchen. Dislike dislike dislike.

The 'scent' thing is really striking to me. He still smells 'off' - even though he showers daily, has good hygiene and wears some kind of man aftershave thing. He nests himself in his bedroom pretty much every evening and his bedroom, should I ever go in to give back a book or talk about something etc, has a really weird, queasy 'funk' smell to it. I'm a night-owl and he's on his laptop until 2 or 3am, then gets up late for work, looking grey and exhausted.

My housemate (female) feels the same way. I also notice that she talks to him in a less respectful way than she used to - almost like there is an edge of (subconscious) disgust and disrespect in her voice. I'm not saying this is due to his porn habit, and could be everything to do with a clash in personality, but it is interesting as he has been complaining, for the last three months, that his (male) boss and (male) co-workers also don't seem to respect him as much as they used to - he's lost out on funding opportunities, job advancement stuff, etc, and he feels they treat him in a slightly weird way - somewhat dismissive and disrespectful. He said something interesting to me, 'It's like my boss [married older guy with children] is a little bit disgusted by me.' (He is totally baffled by this). To note, this guy was immensely popular and the 'ideas man' at his job about six months ago and very well respected. A connected phenomenon?

The obvious question is, why should I care? More to the point, why should I take it upon myself to note someone else's porn use?

The easiest and more honest answer is probably that it is a mixture of fascinated nosiness but also genuine compassion, even pity. It's kind of sad. My instinct is to look up to men (well, this is somewhat literal, as I'm midgey) as protectors, and initiators, and fighters - I don't mean necessarily as muscle-bound soldier or superhero but in the quiet heroism of getting stuff done, or not backing down from what is right or good or difficult, or doing every-day tasks with single-minded determination, like incredibly hot thing you do where you look over your shoulder while parking a car with your eyebrows furrowed and then park the car perfectly.* That sounds ridiculously corny and I'm anxious not to come across as regressive. But I think that instinct is wiped out - probably in ways we don't even consciously detect or articulate - by when confronted with a man who seems the slave rather than master of himself.

In any case, it's an observational stance, not a judgmental one, although I admit that I'm now leaning towards 'dude...if you knew how off-putting your porn habit was making you to women...I dunno if you would do it'. I'm not his wife, or mother, or girlfriend, or anyone who has any personal investment in it, or might feel the need to 'police' him (not that I'm saying wimmen should do those things, but you know what I mean). I'm just his housemate and friend - but it is fascinating to me to observe the difference, from a few months ago to now, in both my reactions to him and the way he comes across, acts, puts forward a work ethic, smells, etc. He seems to have lost motivation, he's put on weight, his skin looks bad, he spends all his evenings now neither socialising or with his hobbies but just holed up in his bedroom with his laptop. Which is, incidentally, riddled with malware. frets for laptop It is sad to me because he is my friend. But I am sad, and then I feel a bit gross, because he will make some inappropriate comment, or come out of his bedroom looking dazed and greasy then rush into the shower, and it is just...kind of ick.

So there's my rather sad follow-up. Nothing has changed and it has got worse. I genuinely believe porn has made him less appealing as a person, not just to members of the opposite sex, but on an every-day, prosaic level - to his co-workers, family, friends, etc. It seems to act like a drug. It is sad that someone with so much talent, and innate funniness and kindness and intelligence, hangs out with porn instead of people. The whole experience has been really eye-opening for me, too. Once you start seeing the signs....welp...it's incredible how omnipresent porn seems to be in the average guy's life.

I'm moving out in a month. I really do wish him well, and I hope he finds happiness.

*shh don't question this

 

Damn son......the thing that I feel is the most crazy is that the dude was being thirsted over by a girl and he missed his chance. It is very rare that you find a girl who is heavily attracted towards you. If I noticed that some girl is attracted towards me, I would totally take up that opportunity and make out with her.

Because of porn a man lost his potential true love of life. Sex is supposed to be something divine but porn completely annihilates its true meaning.

 

Really? I don't find it's that uncommon though.

 

Well, in my experience, girls rarely ever talk to me. So that's why I said that.

 

Well, understandable if you are 17. Just try to become the best version of yourself. Have fun living you own life and build your life up to where you can really enjoy it by yourself. If you are at a point were you genuinely live the good life friends and girls will come to your life naturally. Often people also get to know girls over their circle of friends. So chances are you don't have a big circle of friends, which is totally okay. Quality over quantity is a fine approach. However, maybe you will be able to meet more girls who are interested in you if you have more social connections in general so.

 

Wowzers! Thanks for posting this follow up!

 

Damn... good read, very insightful and a big warning, pure nightmare material to me, it even makes me remember some similar events....wtbh...this is just the most motivating thing I can ever read as I'm the kind of person that runs away from hell instead of trying to get to heaven, if you know what I mean...

 

This post might be the most motivating thing I have read to help keep me focused on my nofap goals. It honestly is terrifying to read how this guys life changed and when I look at my own life I realize that I am him. Grey, anxious, and just unmotivated. However I do think there is a positive to take away: Look at how happy, motivated, and attractive this man was before he started PMO'ing. So if this guy, who was described by the author as not being the most conventionally handsome dude, was able to affect her like that while also killing it in his career and seemingly just being happy and content overall, why can't I also reach a similar state after a some time spent away from PMO?

Idk, but I think this is a powerful story and it needs to be shared with more people. Thanks for sharing it here, it really has helped!

 

If you think thats bad here, in Japan it´s much more worse, the man has to watch out for porn on the internet and on the TV, case some shows get preferential treatment and air at teen time schedule (thats how hikikokimoris become such a big issue)