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Girl Friend's Addiction(?)

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by qq_kk, May 1, 2020.

  1. qq_kk

    qq_kk New Fapstronaut

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    Hi there, guy here.

    My GF and I share pretty much everything. I have struggled with porn in the past so I can definitely relate to her. Currently on NoFap/No Porn for 234 days and it's truly changed my life and relationship the better.

    She has masturbated with porn since her teenage. There was a time where she would masturbate twice a day with porn for over a year. Right now she does it about 3 times a week.

    When we got together we even pooled money in and got her first vibrator as it was fun and she wanted one.

    Problem is, she cannot get off without porn and has to use porn each time. And now with the vibrator she can't get off with her fingers anymore as the intensity and pleasure is just not the same.

    And here's my dilemma, she doesn't know about NoFap or the damages related to porn even in "moderation". I think she sees it as a guy only problem.

    She does know the harmful affect it had on me (Death Grip) and we even talked about it and she's really understanding. Her suggestion was for me to get a Fleshlight, but I decided to cut off PMO altogether.

    Now I'll admit I'm not the most familiar with the female body.

    In her case, is this the female version of death grip? Does desensitization exist for the clitoris and vagina? I couldn't find any articles on this, is there any research done on this?

    And is porn the same level of damage to women as it is to men?

    Can anyone advice me on how to approach this matter? Or is this normal behavior?

    I only know experiences from a guys point of view and definitely do not want to make her feel guilty or ashamed. I love her very much and want to keep her happy and satisfied.

    Thank you in advance!
     
    Last edited: May 1, 2020
  2. Lucky you! That's a good relationship factor :)

    Well done! Proud of ya!

    It's a long and maybe from the beginning of the expression of her sexuality addiction then. I used to just pmo once every couple of months or less. Still couldn't o without it and started to have issues with my partners and o with them without p. It doesn't matter how little you pmo, if you can't o without it, you are addicted to it. If you can't stop when you want to, you are addicted to it. I am just like someone who does it 10 times a day. My pain might be soothed in other ways in addiction to p. That's the only difference.

    She's addicted to p

    Vibrators usually desensitise women's genitals in the long run. Better not to use them.

    Introduce her to nofap, ask her to read the getting started guide, and to journal here everyday. Talk to other women and other men will help her. Once you've asked and introduced her to it, it's her choice what to do.

    This is a patriarchal issue. Women's sexuality is not known. It's a person's problem, not just a guy's problem.

    Why?

    If you love her and if you are a man into women sexually, please read books by women on the female body and sexuality. And then have conversations with her about what she likes and prefers. Explore her body gently to know her body better.

    You can also have those conversations with other women, if respectfully and not looking for any sexual interaction with them.

    It's called 'dead vagina'. I don't know why, the vagina has only a stimulation input, it'd be better to call it 'dead clit' or 'dead rub'

    Yes it does and it happens mainly with p and similar.

    yes with the addition of shame and guilt, because 'ladies don't touch down there' or 'ladies aren't sexually active, they are passive, and that'd be a disgusting sin' (eye roll)

    I don't even know what that word means any more 'normal'. It is not something that everyone does. It is damaging. If that's what you are getting at?

    Just make sure you don't shame her or blame her, just talk to her about it as a coping skill and as the high you get when you drink a coffee and then get on doing the things you don't want to do at work. More or less the same, but different context and content.

    She'd be happier rid of this damaging addiction and more satisfied without having to chase the dragon of the high of pmo.

    Pmo doesn't satisfy you. It numbs you.
     
  3. My advice is to show her what helped you get rid of your issues that you have discussed with her already. Send her the link to get started on nofap after telling her that nofap helped you with your issues and you'd like her to know how, if she could have a read through it. You could also say it'll help your relationship to be even happier. Then you might approach the subject about her having an issue with p as a possibility. Also let her know it's normal for a lot of women to have that issue just like guys do. Show her compassion and empathy and that there's nothing to worry about because you two have each other to deal with it and life.

    That's my humble advice. I hope it helps
     
    recon117, qq_kk and ....... like this.
  4. @ttotal is 100 percent right.. Don't have anything to add.. :)
     
    recon117, qq_kk and ttotal like this.
  5. qq_kk

    qq_kk New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you @ttotal, I definitely don't want to scare her and basically have her start hiding it from me.

    At the same time I realize she'll relaspe and that's perfectly fine. I know our intimacy can increase many times fold if she realizes how it's affecting her. At the same time I can attest to the other benefits (less brain fog, better mood, etc), which I do say affects her.

    You're right that it makes you numb.

    I've tried looking up articles and most of the time I see non-academic articles actually debunking the damage of porn use in women and desensitization of the vagina with sex toys (sadly, they seem to encourage it despite the risks you mentioned).

    She's a actually a PHD herself, so I'm hoping I can share those with her or some sort of article based on science and not popculture. Would appreciate you or anyone else to share!
     
  6. I hope you don't, but sometimes fear is not triggered by you trying to help her, but her own fears and history. You can only take the risk and navigate that fear with her, if she lets you in.

    You'd not have her hiding from you. Her addiction would. Just reassure her that there's nothing to fear and nothing wrong with relapsing. It's part of the process. She might not like to make mistakes (none of us really do) and not tell you, because she might not want to see her situation for what it is. Allow her the delusion and forgive her when she tells you she did, but didn't tell you. Sometimes it's hard to admit some urge is stronger than you are and has that power and control over you. As long as she does open up and tells you at some point and keeps trying, both of you have nothing to worry about. Journalling is always advised for her to process the emotions she's putting the wall of p between them and herself. Do never read her journal. This is very important for her healing. I mean her private journal. She can also journal here and it'd benefit her.

    I do think it will and that's enough reason to tackle this together.

    Sex toys were created by male 'therapists' to cure 'hysteria' and some sexual 'anomalies' in women a long time ago. However, my opinion is that they were created to overstimulate and 'satisfy' women in a very lazy way that causes desentisation in the long run. Just like p for men in the beginning. And as long as you are o, you get the messages intended imprinted powerfully in your psyche and and o and the chase of it keeps everyone busy and numb. Just like drinking coffee in the week and alcohol in the weekend keeps everyone in the rat race and hamster wheel producing wealth for someone else. P keeps everyone from rise up and be aware of their deep disconnection and disatisfaction. Some of these articles might be written by p PR's and by p addicts or sex toys industry PR's.

    I'm not too keen on science and I know this is increasingly an unpopular position. Science and data can be skewed by the sponsors motives and it's never objective. I think nofap is a good source of data from actual addicts, if she's into researching data. I'm not the right fapstronaut to ask for academia. Hopefully someone else can help you better with that.

    Having said that, here's some

    https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/28933950
    https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/2158244018786640
    https://www.researchgate.net/public...riage_and_the_Family_A_Review_of_the_Research
    digitalcommons.uri.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1073&context=dignity
    https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-porn...es-in-pornography-use-in-couple-relationships
    https://www.sciencemag.org/news/2016/08/divorce-rates-double-when-people-start-watching-porn
    https://neurosciencenews.com/neuroscience-pornography-brain-15354/
    https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/fullarticle/1874574
    https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1029&context=intuition

    Most have combined data of women and men, but that's all I could find. I think one of them is on women solely.

    Is that not enough evidence?
     
    Last edited: May 2, 2020
    qq_kk likes this.
  7. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    I don't use a vibrator myself, but according to my girlfriends, they can't get off without it anymore (even the penis is not always enough).

    Porn desensitize women just as much as men, if not more. We share the same reward system, and some studies have even showed that women loose interest in their partner faster than men does, if porn is present.
     
  8. qq_kk

    qq_kk New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much. The articles you linked and the points you raise are extremely valid. I've never seen it through this lens and it makes so much sense.

    I'll be approaching her on this matter soon.

    That's my biggest fear. I know the sensations are strong and the one we got has 20 different vibration options and several hours worth of battery. When I first turned it on after a couple of minutes my fingers started to get numb. I can see why anything after that won't be able to compare.
     
    ttotal likes this.
  9. Sorry to break it to you, but the penis has never been enough for women's pleasure. It's only an accesory for those women who are into men. Dildos are the same for women into vaginal stimulation.
     
  10. My pleasure.

    I hope you do and I wish you all the best with your girlfriend.

    The connection, the engagement of the soul, the body, the heart, the mind in an o with the person you love and the person who loves you are exhilarating, when freed from the overstimulation of p. Believe me, they can't compare with the cold plastic of a strong vibration focalised on a single part of your body, but in a different way of how you are viewing the comparison.

    I can tell you love her. Your love has nothing to fear from a vibrator.
     
    Last edited: May 2, 2020
    qq_kk likes this.
  11. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Unpopular opinion perhaps, but for me, the penis is enough to make me orgasm. I'm sure I'm not the only woman on earth that are satisfied with regular intercourse, although I'm acutely aware of how mundane it sounds.
     
  12. It surely is not the main pleasure and cause of o for most women. It's enough for you, but might not be the only way to o for you.

    You are for sure in the minority. Not the only one for sure.

    Intercourse can be satisfying. I never said it can't. But for most women it doesn't make them o, they need an extra clithoral stimulation.
     
    PornSux2019 likes this.
  13. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    I never said penile penetration was the only way for a woman to orgasm, neither did I say that penises are the be all and end all of female sexuality.

    However, I don't agree with the fact that penises are a mere accessory and, according to you, "has never been enough for a woman's pleasure". It's very possible to achieve clitoral stimulation in certain positions, and I'm fairly certain most sexually active women over a certain age have experienced that at some point (not every time).

    The notion that regular intercourse isn't enough for women is, according to me, bordering on sensationalism, as I know several women who share my experience. The female sexuality is in great need of being demystified; it's all about comfort and patience, and yes, a dick can certainly make a world of good for the one who learns to use it correctly.
     
  14. If it's not the be all and end all of female sexuality, it is an accessory. And I stand by my statement. A penis has never been enough for a woman's o or pleasure.


    I have reached o by having intercourse. I still prefer other ways to o. I'm not saying it's impossible. It's just not the majority.

    Sensationalism would be to say that regular intercourse is enough for most women. Research backs me up in this case.

    Sorry to challenge your phallocentric view, but no dick will make the world of good for anyone who is not interested in intercourse, especially if they're not into men. This statement of yours is ridiculous.
     
    PornSux2019 likes this.
  15. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    I have a feeling that those who are not into men (or intercourse with men) would know better than to decide what heterosexual women likes in bed.

    Your use of the word "never" implies that no woman in the history of the world have ever been satisfied with a penis. So for your hypothesis to be semantically proven false, it's enough that just one woman have been satisfied...

    ... And here I am. I don't consider myself a freak of nature for being sexually satisfied by the anatomy of a male, especially not when this is the norm in my female community.

    Vaginal orgasms are a bit like baking. You need the right ingredients, a sufficient amount of time, the correct heat and practice to make it happen. Some never manage, but enjoy bread in other forms non the less, and it is obviously nothing wrong with that. What I do find wrong (or should I say misguided) would be to burst into a bakery and claim that no one has ever managed to bake, when the shelves are lined with an array of very visible loaves.
     
    Last edited: May 2, 2020
  16. I see another fruitless debate coming up that will end up being ignored.

    Who says women who are not into men are deciding on what heterosexual women like in bed? You are the one talking about women in general, not just heterosexual women.

    Some heterosexual women are not into intercourse with men.

    I'm not saying some women are not satisfied with a penis. I'm saying that a penis has never been enough for pleasure. Unless you are bit weird and cut a penis off a man and just plunge it in your vagina without any fantasies or touching anywhere else or use any other of the 5 senses to be aroused before and o just by it being inserted in your canal. I mean if you are going to be literal, I will be too.

    You are not a freak of nature at all. There are many women who think like you and that experience what you do or say they do. There's nothing wrong with you for being satisfied by a man not just his anatomy.

    This sounds like the fallacy of Freud saying that some women are just inadequate because they don't o via intercourse. Please don't judge what you don't know.

    Where is the bakery of vaginal orgasms and the very visible loaves of intercourse o's? You lost me there
     
    PornSux2019 likes this.

  17. Firstly I believe its kind of a problem if she cant get "off" to you. If she directly needs to use porn every single time. What could mean she has that high sinked into her mind. Honestly I'm worried about you my friend if she has to look at porn every time shes with you. If that was the case in my relationship if I had one. I would be the one talking it out to her or breaking it off. Because I want her to feel a connection with me personally. If its getting off towards someone with a bigger dick on a screen then that would turn me off completely. I'm just wondering on how you are keeping up with this situation? I know you guys love each other and of course explore sex but with that kinda problem I would be breaking it like I said.


    Secondly if she is using a vibrator for intensity instead of her fingers. I believe that is huge sign of desensitization. I believe it has a impact on both males and females. We both have skin of course and if we tend to rub or irritate a certain part of our bodies of course it will get irritated or red. If males masturbate frequently of course our shafts will need to recover after a period of time to be itself again. For females of course they will need a recovery period for sensitizing again.


    My friend can I just ask you if you two are serious about your relationship and how long have you guys been together?
    If its bothering you this much to post something on nofap. Let her know from your heart that its bothering you and if she is willing she will talk it over with you.

    Good luck and I hope things work out with the two of you. :)

    ~TrueSaiyan
     
    qq_kk likes this.
  18. Just a little insight from a woman. It's not about how big the dick on a screen is. It's about the fact that you are watching something that doesn't happen in real life that often. It's about the excitement of watching sex on screen. It's not on our friend here. It's on the high of doing something 'naughty' and the fact that is sex and stimulates your genitals as if you were the one performing the act, without the hang ups of having actual sex.
     

  19. Yes your right and I do realize that its not just the Penis on the screen as it was just a idea. It's more stimulating of course and because there is someone your attracted to on the screen, acts. etc. That's why I mentioned a bigger D. It's more about the fantasy that goes threw your mind while watching it and feeling more fulfilled. Since sexual intercourse doesn't happen so often for many people. Why so many go back to watching it because of the fix they get. On the other hand some people get lucky and experience it every day without a problem. If your in a relationship I would prefer to get off a partner instead of the acts of online actions.
     
  20. It's not more stimulating because there's someone you are attracted to on the screen. Most male p actors aren't that attractive. And imo neither are p actresses. Maybe they are for men.

    It's not about feeling more fulfilled. It's overstimulation of your sight sense and your hearing sense and what goes through your mind without having to worry about your insecurities about your body and performance put up on a screen. It's watching people having sex when watching people having sex in real life doesn't happen that often.

    It is not a lack of sexual intercourse. Have you read the numerous posts here of people who are sexually active?

    Some people's ultimate goal is to have intercourse everyday. It's not everybody's goal.


    You are you. Have you seen the numerous posts here of people who have a partner?

    P addiction is not about being single and not having sex. The getting started guide of nofap will give you a good insight into what is about.
     

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