For the past month I have been dating a girl in my city, it started by playing games online and got more serious from there. I remember vividly after a dinner date waiting at her bus stop, it was cold and rainy, she was in my arms and I can still hear the sound of the church bells ringing. Never in my life but at that moment have I ever felt so at peace, in short, I caught mad feelings for her. Last night we were playing League and she told me she was feeling conflicted as there was a girl she was hanging out with who she also feels a mutual attraction to and she doesn't want to hurt her. We are still seeing each other but I cannot describe how hard this hit me, we did talk about it but I was trying so hard to hide my vulnerability in that moment. When she logged off I went for a walk in the park to try and clear my head, now not only am I an Atheist, but I am a hardline Marxist materialist radical and so on that cold dark hill the fact that I had a spiritual moment and tried to reach out to whatever deity may exist shows exactly how vulnerable I feel right now. In fact walking to the park I saw a rabbit cross the sidewalk in front of me and it stopped about 5 meters away from me, it was so surreal that I felt the rabbit was a representation of myself in that state. When I reached the hill I felt a strong urge to walk to a certain tree, look up into the sky and make some sort of pact that if she would be mine that I would promise to become the best possible version of myself that I could and today I've been working on that by reaching out to people I believe I had wronged in the past. Around the tree I placed a black comb which I had in my jacket pocket in the dirt and then a short stick beside it, on the other side of the tree stump I put a long stick. I interpreted the comb and the stick to represent me and her and the long stick obscured by the stump of the tree to represent whatever entity that may exist which could help us. I know this sounds really corny but all of this wasn't even meditated, I just felt an urge to do this little ritual. I could really appreciate some support right now.