Girlfriend just split up with me

Hello all,

I don't mean for this thread to go anywhere particularly, but I just felt the need to get this out of my system and hear some supportive voices on the forum. Sorry if that seems a bit needy.

My girlfriend just came round and broke off our relationship. We'd been together nearly a year and had had amazing times together. We'd fallen deeply in love - but a few months in, she found out I was bi from my computer: an old username had given it away. (I'd chatted to guys online when I had been single). I hadn't come out to her; stupid, because she's open-minded, liberal and totally cool with it. But I also confessed to having watched gay porn, to never speaking about my bisexuality to anyone except my parents (and then only really on the occasion that I came out)...She was supportive, so reassuring; I'd never felt so loved and accepted.

But the porn thing was a major trust-breaker for her. Our relationship stuttered on for the next few months, but we weren't getting on as well as before. I didn't know what was going wrong and why we didn't seem as at ease in each other's company. I'd kept things from her: about myself and about my previous relationship. That I confessed to planning never to tell her about my bi-sexuality was a big issue. We went to see a great counsellor recently and talked some things through - but issues came up there that seemed unresolvable. I guess I'd felt that the last few months had been cancelling out the good times beforehand, as if maybe we had lost our heads when we first met - whereas she thought that that was the true us and couldn't understand why I wasn't fighting for it more.

I'm so sad that it hasn't worked out, even though things hadn't been going well. We had something amazing - something truly spontaneous and intimate and very rare - and I spoiled it. The person I've become through watching porn, hiding parts of myself and burying my own issues emerged eventually; my true worthlessness was revealed, despite my attempts to make a new start and become a new person. I've hurt her so much; she just didn't deserve that. I've lied about myself and my past. I wish I'd been completely honest with her from the start, but I lacked the courage. It was partly cowardice, but it was partly a mistaken belief that I could forge ahead and build a new me by repressing things and pretending.

I guess this is one place you end up if you resort to porn.

I need to learn from this experience, address my issues, get clean from porn and start to rebuild myself properly. In the past all I've done is bury things, hate myself, or pretend to be someone that I'm not. That simply doesn't work in the long-run.

Andy

 

Thanks guys; your support means a lot

 

Thanks everyone. Nice comments from you all; I appreciate it.