Girlfriend knows of my c*ckold fantasy. Should I be worried?

[+TenPercent]

***Trigger Warning for anyone triggered by cuckold fantasies or infidelity in real life***

So, when I first started dating my girlfriend in 2019, I told her that I was recovering from sex addiction - which, of course, raises a lot of questions and concerns.

I assured her that I'm not a big STI risk as my addiction mostly took the form of porn, fantasy and masturbation. I told her how part of my recovery involved abstaining from porn and masturbation. And . . . I mentioned how my addiction fed into some pretty twisted fantasies, like being a cuckold, and that I was working on healing that.

(btw, I am still in recovery and doing pretty well, but not perfect. "Progress, rather than perfection")

God bless her for keeping an open mind. She said she was not okay with porn, but had no issue with masturbation. One of her big concerns was that she did not want to get into a sexless relationship. That's when she told me flat out, "I like to fuck." Having learned about Karezza, I envisioned that there would be plenty of love making and was thrilled to hear that she had done a similar tantric practice with another man in the past where he was practicing semen retention but it was okay for her to have an orgasm . . . Perfect! As long as I could do my thing (hard mode) and she could still have orgasms, it seemed like a match made in heaven.

Truth is: we have an incredible relationship and are very well matched!

One catch, though: we almost never have sex and when we do, I often PE. As it turns out, she felt embarrassed having orgasms with me when I was not having them with her. This caused a lot of friction as I tried to persuade her to let me not have orgasms! Eventually, I caved and endeavoured to have as few as possible.

Trouble is - every time I orgasm, I crave porn and masturbation. My fantasies flare up! It's easier to avoid sex.

And, when we do have sex, I am able to control myself, most of the time anyway, as long as we go really, really slow. But, as soon as she can start thrusting, she does

Spoiler: Trigger Warning

and she seems to be craving real sex, not gentle love making. I mean, she did say that she likes to fuck,

and I will ejaculate within one or two thrusts as soon as it switches from love making to screwing.

I do want to be able to screw her like that. But, I lose it every time.

Now, my girlfriend is great and tells me she loves me all the time. She doesn't hide her cell phone from me and doesn't seem to keep secrets. (Though I did see her actively try to avoid some guy at the grocery store one day and when I asked her if she knew him, she said she didn't. Then I caught her trying to avoid him again. It was clear that she was lying to me . . . and this really triggered me).

I don't have any reason to suspect her of cheating. But . . . should I be worried?

This woman is in her sexual prime and I only make love to her about once every 4 weeks. And, then, as soon as it starts getting good (for her), I have PE and it's all over.

She has shown zero interest in talking about my addiction (it makes her uncomfortable) and she has completely stopped trying to initiate sex with me. I have not brought up the cuckold fantasy since that one time at the very beginning, but surely she hasn't forgotten. And it's hard not to get awkward whenever infidelity comes up in movies or TV shows.

Any thoughts, suggestions or experiences to share? As always, I would love to hear from men and women on this. Thank you for reading all that!!

 

[nayexcuses]

Here's what I think could be going on. Your cuckold fantasy is triggering your PE. When your girlfriend "wants to increase the pace", you likely create some kind of dialogue in your head: "She probably wants to be with someone who can do this "better" than me". Cuckold thoughts/fantasies ensue and PE follows.

I think it would be a good idea to examine what you are doing to continue to fuel these fantasies. For example it seems like even your decision to create this thread is likely "fanning the flame".

 

[kropo82]

I think there are two things going on: one is your worries about your cuckolding fantasies, and the other is mismatched expectations of sex. I think your worries about the first, that she may be cheating, are all in your head. As you continue your porn-free streak I think that worry will fade.

For the second problem, mismatched expectations of sex, I would recommend giving up on hard mode and tantric style sex and enjoying the kind of sex she loves. The downside of this, as you mention, is the chaser effect. But you know that is coming so you can beat it. Lots of us married men go for a normal mode reboot because of the importance of sex to our marriages.

That's just my thoughts though, good luck!

 

[modernstore99]

***Trigger Warning for anyone triggered by cuckold fantasies or infidelity in real life***

So, when I first started dating my girlfriend in 2019, I told her that I was recovering from sex addiction - which, of course, raises a lot of questions and concerns.

I assured her that I'm not a big STI risk as my addiction mostly took the form of porn, fantasy and masturbation. I told her how part of my recovery involved abstaining from porn and masturbation. And . . . I mentioned how my addiction fed into some pretty twisted fantasies, like being a cuckold, and that I was working on healing that.

(btw, I am still in recovery and doing pretty well, but not perfect. "Progress, rather than perfection")

God bless her for keeping an open mind. She said she was not okay with porn, but had no issue with masturbation. One of her big concerns was that she did not want to get into a sexless relationship. That's when she told me flat out, "I like to fuck." Having learned about Karezza, I envisioned that there would be plenty of love making and was thrilled to hear that she had done a similar tantric practice with another man in the past where he was practicing semen retention but it was okay for her to have an orgasm . . . Perfect! As long as I could do my thing (hard mode) and she could still have orgasms, it seemed like a match made in heaven.

Truth is: we have an incredible relationship and are very well matched!

One catch, though: we almost never have sex and when we do, I often PE. As it turns out, she felt embarrassed having orgasms with me when I was not having them with her. This caused a lot of friction as I tried to persuade her to let me not have orgasms! Eventually, I caved and endeavoured to have as few as possible.

Trouble is - every time I orgasm, I crave porn and masturbation. My fantasies flare up! It's easier to avoid sex.

And, when we do have sex, I am able to control myself, most of the time anyway, as long as we go really, really slow. But, as soon as she can start thrusting, she does

Spoiler: Trigger Warning

and she seems to be craving real sex, not gentle love making. I mean, she did say that she likes to fuck,

and I will ejaculate within one or two thrusts as soon as it switches from love making to screwing.

I do want to be able to screw her like that. But, I lose it every time.

Now, my girlfriend is great and tells me she loves me all the time. She doesn't hide her cell phone from me and doesn't seem to keep secrets. (Though I did see her actively try to avoid some guy at the grocery store one day and when I asked her if she knew him, she said she didn't. Then I caught her trying to avoid him again. It was clear that she was lying to me . . . and this really triggered me).

I don't have any reason to suspect her of cheating. But . . . should I be worried?

This woman is in her sexual prime and I only make love to her about once every 4 weeks. And, then, as soon as it starts getting good (for her), I have PE and it's all over.

She has shown zero interest in talking about my addiction (it makes her uncomfortable) and she has completely stopped trying to initiate sex with me. I have not brought up the cuckold fantasy since that one time at the very beginning, but surely she hasn't forgotten. And it's hard not to get awkward whenever infidelity comes up in movies or TV shows.

Any thoughts, suggestions or experiences to share? As always, I would love to hear from men and women on this. Thank you for reading all that!!

1. If you did a hardmode reboot, 90 days is plenty long enough. 190 is more than enough. You should be having sex frequently whenever you are comfortable in order to rewire. You should not be restricting yourself now. You shouldn't be having sex every time you get horny (or else you'll have an unhealthy expectation for sex) but you should be actively rewiring with normal, organic, PIV sex. That's the best thing for you right now.

2. If you're getting porn cravings and urges when you orgasm, you need to work on being in the moment and focusing on your girlfriend during and after sex. Look at her in the eyes. Take in how she feels in your hands. Remember how she tastes and smells. Feel her warmth and curves. Actively block out thoughts about porn. After sex, if the urges are strong, just close your eyes and cuddle her. If the urges come up later, have sex at night or before bed so you fall asleep without thinking about it. Practice mindfulness and being in the moment, before and after sex.

Having urges for porn after sex is what we call the "chaser effect". I will provide articles about it and another things down below. Basically, once you start having orgasms again, your mind "remembers" what used to make it cum, and pushes you towards that. If you watched a lot of porn and have only had a little bit of sex, your mind will think of porn. If you keep having a good time and cumming during sex, your mind will start to crave THAT more. Block out the porn thoughts, keep having mindful sex, and the chasers will go away in time, or lessen at the least.

3. Having PE with your partner after a reboot is extremely common. The trick to getting over it is to just keep having sex. Two things will happen. First, if you frequently orgasm, you'll be less "loaded up" each time, and definitely last longer. Have sex as frequently as you feel comfortable, and you'll see improvement soon. Secondly, instead of trying to hold back your orgasms by going slow or clenching you pelvic muscles, just focus on your gf and cum whenever it happens. Just let it flow. You don't need to thrust as fast as possible, but don't hold yourself back. As you keep having sex, stay mindful of the speeds, angles, and spots that really set you off. Over time, you'll become more in tune with your arousal cycle and orgasm setoffs, and slowly be able to control your orgasms. In as little as 3 months, you'll be in very good control of your orgasms.

I used to have the same exact issue as you. After my reboot I could not control my orgasms at all. Sometimes sex did not feel good and would take more than 25 minutes for me to cum with constant thrusting, and other times I could only go for 2 minutes with little thrusting. After about 1.5 months of rewiring, sex felt fantastic everytime, but I still could not control my orgasms, being only able to last 3-4 minutes of fast thrusting. Slowly as the weeks went by, I became more aware of the speeds, angles, positions, and sensations that made me cum. I got good at getting able to to veer really close to those sensations without hitting them on the spot, allowing me to have sex for as long as I wanted for long periods of time with maximum pleasure. After a while, I also got really good at finding the positions/angles that felt really good for my gf (but not enough to make me orgasm), and used those techniques on my girlfriend(s) and partners; in my experience continued thrusting in one position that hits the spot feels the best for women and brings them closest to vaginal orgasms. Depending on the mood, our current needs, and our schedules, I was able to last as long as I wanted, from 2 minutes of slow thrusting to 30 of continuous pounding.

If you keep having sex and just stay mindful of what sets you off, you'll be able to control your orgasms and pleasure as well. Just keep having sex, and it'll get better over time.

4. It probably wasn't a good idea to tell her about the cuckold thing. Definitely don't tell her about anymore stuff you watched. I have not encountered a situation or thought of a scenario where it could help. For me, telling my ex and current girlfriend that the stuff I watched was "scary, disturbing, sexist, and just not good" was all they needed.

Anxiety and other negative emotions, such as humiliation and shame, can actually increase arousal and sensitivity. You may be getting flashbacks still because you are still wired to the porn you watched, and you keep rewiring through fantasizing. You need to let go of any fears or shame you have about your girlfriend having sex with another guy. It's not good for your relationship, and it's not good for your mind. I know it's paradoxical, but the less you care about her getting with another guy, the less arousing it'll be and the less you'll think about it. Personally, I dealt with pretty bad gender dysphoria and sexual confusion from frequent use of sissy porn. For a while, I was completely not sure if I was gay/bi or if I was trans or this "sissy gender". I had to accept MAYBE I might be, and just let go of the shame and fear. After letting go and doing a reboot, I found all those thought were completely programmed in by porn, barely even original thoughts on my own. Ofc I never tried to hook up with any guys or get gender surgery, and you should not let your girlfriend get on dating apps and see other men! Let go of the fear and anxiety, and the arousal and thoughts will cease long enough for you to rewire, after which they will be less strong.

5. If she hasn't been initiating sex, ask her about it! She's the only one that knows, not us hahaha. Figure it out with her.

6. She should know the basics of your affliction: that you have a problem with PMO, you need to take breaks from stimulation to heal, and that you need a little bit of a running start when it comes to sex. You should say things like "I was having really bad urges and distractions today" or "I was feeling really anxious today, can we cuddle?" or "I had some intrusive thoughts today and don't feel great". Don't say things like "I could not get the video 'Triple Inter-Racial Gabgbang Bukkake' out of my mind" or "I couldn't stop thinking of you getting pounded by some massive construction worker". Those are definitely a no. Get your feelings out, but there's no need to describe everything in detail, leave those for us.