girlfriend never in sex-mood (while PM-reboot, O allowed)

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by TopBoys_Frontline, Jul 13, 2020.

  1. TopBoys_Frontline

    TopBoys_Frontline Fapstronaut


    i am writing cause i need a neutral view form others, which are in a similiar situation like me because of the no-pmo-rebooting etc... i want to be sure that my previous drug-like PMO-behaviour is not making those problems i will describe now and that i dont accuse my girfriend unjustified...

    i am now 157 days porn-free and 52 days MO-free, during the whole reboot and before in a relationship with a girl which knows all that nofap-stuff....

    now the problem is, in the last time she is nearly never in the mood for anything sexual, theres always household, going somewhere, going to sleep because too tired in the way... we often talked about the non existent sex and i have to be honest that i understand her when she says that my (PI)ED is a problem and made her feel unconfortable during the first stages in our relationships when i could not perform...

    though she was very supportive that "we will makes this together"... and also she has her own admitted problems with sex, like because bad experiences with men, father-complex etc... which she admitted is also a thing for her not in sex-mood....

    but now im making a sexual-therapy to heal ED and the guy said (like my previous general-therapist said too) it would be great if my gf could "help" me with ED and also PMO-urges with having non-penetrative sex and so on, but interestingly this really-never-in sex mood started some weeks ago as i started the therapy...

    nearly everytime she refuses (or says lets cuddle later, then later is tommorow, then tommorow is who the fuck nows when...) i get the feeling of beeing betrayed (like other things are more important) and sometimes huge anger, which also led me to tell her my feelings in a not so nice way (though without swearing or personal attacks - rather like): "im gonna find different sex-mates and i gave up the hope for us having sex", which she said hurted her

    she told me other things are not more important, my ED and her sex-traumatas and her beeing tired because her psycholgical patterns and medicaments, but this same "later, tommorow"-paterns keep repeating and im questioning our relationship slowly...

    i dont wanna use her for satisfying my (perhaps still existing) previous drug-like PMO-urges, i rather controll them now in a good way, and i can also live with my partner not having sex with me all the time, but you know its like i feel shes making excuses for just beeing lazy, thats how i feel and it makes me fucking angry...
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2020
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  2. James271993

    James271993 Fapstronaut

    Okay, so I don't know your relationship but I'll fill you in on a personal situation and maybe you can relate to some of it. My partner of 6 years left me last year and in the last six months of the relationship she was becoming more and more distant. We were not as intimate and didn't have sex very often even though I was suggesting it often. We got into a rut/routine of work without play and were both pretty miserable at the end of the relationship. I found out some months after that she was with someone new that I knew from my work gym. He was one of the Personal Trainers that I noticed towards the end of the relationship she was very friendly with. Not saying she cheated but it's possible. Not saying your partner is cheating or has had her head turned but seems like for whatever reason she isn't finding you as sexually appealing. If I had my time again I'd make more of an effort to make her feel loved and wanted. Not just sex. Buy her some flowers or gifts occasionally. Plan a day out to somewhere she really enjoys. Cook her dinner one evening. Let her know that you care for her and don't just want sex. I hope this helps. Good luck in getting the relationship back to where you want it to be.
    acosme and TopBoys_Frontline like this.
  3. StarRider

    StarRider Fapstronaut

    It sounds you live together with a woman you are in a dating relationship with. That's not a very smart idea. That's the reason why your sex life is dead now. Congratulations, you got yourself a room mate! Never let a "girlfriend" move in with you. That's a privilege only a "wife" gets.

    If in such a dating relationship sex becomes unavailable, the sexual exclusivity agreement got terminated by one side. It's the call for you to move on and get it elsewhere.
  4. Way to ignore all the nuance of this guy's situation and offer potentially damaging advice.
    Deleted Account, RIPZYZZ and tavla like this.
  5. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

    @TopBoys_Frontline just stand up for what you want. If sex is important in a relationship for you then if she is always "not in the mood" or "so tired" to do it, then is time for you to tell her that, and if she keeps with that behavior then you should break it up and go find another girl that also think sex is important in a relationship. never settle for less than what you want.

    Another point of view from this matter is that you turned her off with your behavior, maybe in this point of the relationship she is not that into you so she is not feeling to have sex with you. Woman that are totally in love with you can't wait to feel you, coddle with you and have sex with you. they want to feel your presence in every way, shape and form. If she is not, then she is not in love with you. From this perspective the only way to get things better is find the way to make her open up to you and tell you how she feels, what is on her mind, what you did maybe to turn her off.
    acosme and TopBoys_Frontline like this.
  6. @TopBoys_Frontline
    I hate to say this, but I think you should go to another forum with these questions. Even reddit or something. This site is not the best place for relationship advice - there are too many people who are messed up in the head and who have never had relationships so their advice will only hurt you.
  7. pavloo91

    pavloo91 Fapstronaut

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  8. StarRider

    StarRider Fapstronaut

    I think you expect too much from "anonymous relationship advice on the Internet" and you seem to hang on the illusion that it can be done better elsewhere (on the Internet).

    Any forum reply regardless of the topic is about picking up the factoids presented in the post and working with them. It's neither about being a psychic "reading" the original poster, nor about taking sides with people not even present.

    I treat every forum post as an example made up to discuss the topic. The most value in a forum is for non-involved readers anyway.
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2020
  9. ElizabethManning

    ElizabethManning Fapstronaut

    updates: I had a date with the girl, it was cool.
    +TenPercent likes this.
  10. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

    I guess you can look it like this: is your GF worth having till the rest of your life when she behaves like that? If the answer is YES keep her, maybe try to talk to her about it. If NO... well you will have to do some hard decisions.
    TopBoys_Frontline likes this.
  11. You say she is on meds? Are these meds meant for her psychological health?
  12. Envoy-ofthe-End

    Envoy-ofthe-End Fapstronaut

    I´ve had this happen before and it´s because you lose sexual attraction from your partner. Sometimes you can get it back (some guys have said that they have regained their wive´s love, while others not so good.) by being a more masculine guy thanks to NoFap. Women like tough men that speak their mind regardless of feelings, using your common sense even if not a popular opinion. So if you feel you´ve made progress with NoFap, use your balls and talk to her. Tell her that you want the relationship to work, and part of a relationship is sex, other than that ya´ll are just buddies living under the same roof and she´s probably getting her fix somewhere else. Be upfront with her and ask her to do the same. If she doesn´t cooperate move on, part of being a man is letting people go to find bigger and better things.
    TopBoys_Frontline likes this.

    RIPZYZZ Fapstronaut

    Question to OP: have you had any dates with her, like when you first started dating?
    Girls want to feel desired, and if you're just living together and you just try to have sex with her she might feel taken for granted. Also girls are often not in the mood for sex if they're stressed/worrying about other things in life. Maybe you should plan something romantic for her or do something sweet like make her a nice bath, cook her favorite food, give her a massage, tell/show her how much you appreciate her, or take her out on a nice date. Imagine how you would try to win her if you met for the first time.
    I'm not sure if this applies to you, but it's worth thinking about. I've had girlfriends stopped wanting to have sex when I made it a big deal/ put pressure on her. Taking a vacation together/ enjoying eachothers company without focusing on sex made her turned on/horny a lot.
  14. holy fuck dude dont talk like that to any woman, how would you feel if she said, if you dont sleep with me im going to fuck other men, you may not see it like this but saying that is childish attempt to manipulate sex, sex that is going to be bad sex if she doesnt want to do it and even more damaging for your relationship.
    if shes on meds like SSRIs its totally understandable that shes not in the mood they kill your sexdrive and numb emotions if shes on that get her off that shit.
    fucking hell man like wow do you have any respect or trust for this lady and what good is a relationship if you dont have that.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 7, 2020
  15. TopBoys_Frontline

    TopBoys_Frontline Fapstronaut

    thanks everyone for advices… sorry, i was 3 weeks of nofap-site to think about all I wrote but also i somehow felt bad for what I wrote and couldn’t confront myself with this thread…

    the first thing I did after I wrote that (the morning after) was a guided meditation for transferring anger – god this anger was intense… as I try to practice buddhism, my view is that this anger had to do more with myself then anything outside my mind or other people’s behavior…

    after I was calm and relaxed, my gf and I did actually have some sex – so just analyzing myself (ignoring for now my gf’s behavior) i came to the simple conclusion: if I am in this angry-mode – no sex, if am relaxed – rather sex… that’s the natural way it is, nothing can be achieved by pressure…

    I know what some of you mean by “having balls and taking what you want and not settle for less” – I am completely for that (as I view this as alpha-behavior), but what if an PMO-addiction is fooling you in “what you want” – maybe you want sex and use your gf for stimulating those drug-like “needs”….

    as i also was hooked on shemale-porn, I think that this unconsciously is also influencing my ED (as my heterosexual real-me unconciously is freaking out) and then influencing her sex-mood negatively

    then my (more or less past) PMO-behavior was caused by low self-esteem -> complexes -> anxieties -> narcissism -> stress -> overwhelming -> that all caused (PI)ED and what can you expect then if you cannot penetrate a girl – i have to heal that problems – which I do, but I think im not completely there yet….

    so yeah maybe i did turn her off with my behavior: ED, stress (seldomly free time or time to relax, pefectionism, efficiency... but stress kills your relaxation and so ability to have sex and then maybe its was transferred to her unconciously...), narcicisstic behavior... she often mentions that i am not present in the moment and off on some thoughts and so on...

    i mean i am full for achieving goals in your life, though i think i bit got over the top with it, and in the same way her with her medicaments sleeps alot and motivation is abit low... there is this theory of "BIG FIVE" characteristics of personalities - so maybe weve got two contrary extremes so to that combination is a bit problematic

    yes those are some SSRIs for depression and so on...
    thats "her part" (not her fault) making our problems too but yeah maybe i should try more to help her out as i have experiences with it... i also have taken SSRIs, medicaments for anxieties but i managed to cut them all through confronting emotions and practicing buddhism, meditation, reconnecting with my inner child...

    i dont know i take any advice where someone can take a neutral point, but i think i know what you mean... as i described above my mind is also messed up by porn, and also i have not much experience with girls due to anxieties, porn etc... so i dont want to start to influence my relationship negatively from a pmo-messed-up-mind..

    yeah i should more take her out and do romantic things, but my stress prevented me often... no we havent dated really, we were basiclly just friends and went on a trip together (where we both were relaxed, not stressed, had a good time) and we got in love and she slepped over at my place and so on and things happened....

    :D in a way i think youre right... yeah maybe we did start to live together too early, that’s what I also was thinking and saying to her too, because than, if you have not a stable connection (in our case sex) allday-things get in your way and it stresses your relationship… but again, if i wouldnt be so narcissistic in life, i think i could handle that better.. if i wouldnt have ED i would not let this to be done do me by a girl but you now ED is a cancel from my side...

    ill try just to be in a good mood with me, just go for your sexual arousal, etc... and then you can more relate to others, not if you have anger or needs, you suck other people out... an alpha-male also just can give, he doenst have needs (motivation yes but not on basis of fear, rather on inner peace), girls will do what he wants because hes already in peace with himself, able to give, and unindependent of anyone - thats hugely attractive...

    you see, I came to the conclusion that I rather concentrate on improving myself and if I am completely on common ground with my self, then i will take a good desicion about whats exactly the problem and how things are going to be in the future...
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2020
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  16. Serotonin receptor antagonist do often have the effects to lower the libido to zero. I agree with you that people shouldn't be on meds but sometimes it is neccessary for a certain period of time. Depression do is a real illness and needs proper treatment. So I think understanding and accepting the stand point of your girlfriend is important here if she feels tired or numb.

    Nevertheless, I did enjoy to read your last post because it seems you took the time to reflect on your behavior and realized how your acting can influence your whole surroudings. And it seems you made a huge step forward in your recovery. Wish you all the best mate! :)
    TopBoys_Frontline and RIPZYZZ like this.
  17. n7elite30

    n7elite30 Fapstronaut

    Definitely sit down with her and have a serious but civil discussion about it. This hits really close to home for me because I lost a really happy relationship mostly due to a very similar issue. We lived about an hour apart and were both in school so we couldn't spend time together as often as I would have liked and, towards the end of our relationship, it seemed like she was never in the mood for anything intimate when I drove over to see her. I loved her a great deal and hated arguing with her so I would accept her decision but I would go home really disappointed and frustrated. Sometimes I still wonder if we could have fixed things before it all went wrong if I had taken the time to actually talk to her about what I was feeling, instead of arguing or giving her the silent treatment. It definitely didn't help that she basically gave me the green light to keep PMOing as long as I quit if we ever got married.

    In your case, tell her your side of it in a way that is calm and well thought-out and then ask her why she is acting that way. Don't be accusatory or hurtful. Just be honest. If she's right for you, she'll be willing to work through it with you.
    TopBoys_Frontline likes this.
  18. Sorry man. Women never want full disclosure. Either she has some problems herself (related to her meds?) or it's over.

    It's never a good idea to move in with a girl that you are seeing. She knows about NoFap? That's too much information. If you care what a random stranger thinks, I would pack up your stuff, go and finish your NoFap goals alone, and then when you're ready, go and find a new girl and never speak of this forum, or your past PMO situation, to her. Ever.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 9, 2020
    TopBoys_Frontline likes this.

    RIPZYZZ Fapstronaut

    OP, I disagree with this statement a lot, living together is not always a terrible idea, and if you love your girl you shouldnt dump her just because of NOFAP.
  20. StarRider

    StarRider Fapstronaut

    It is always a terrible idea to live with a woman you're not married to and ready to start a family.
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