Girlfriend, rocd and PA

Hello,

I am new here. In fact this is my first post. I am struggling with PMO since early childhood. I can't really remember, I think I was 11 when I discovered M. P came later along with high speed internet. I remember I couldn't stop for years to watch porn. I finally stopped when in my religious community I suffered the consequences of doing that. I had to step off the privilege I had. Since then, I never came back to porn websites or to watching some explicit materials in any other form.

So what am I doing here? Well...although I did not watch pornography per se, I never felt fully recovered. I often masturbated, watched hot videos on YT, fantasized etc. Sometimes it got worse and I was engaging myself in asking girls for sending me their photos or I was having a relationship with a girl simply based on making out. Also, I have ROCD which makes things worse. Is there any connection between these two things? PA and ROCD?

I am now in a serious relationship with a girl I thought I like. Why uncertainty? Because (as always) the day we committed to be together I started to panic and have negative thoughts pointing out her imperfections (ass too small, boobs too big, shoulders too wide, chin to wide etc) I hate myself for doing that. I wonder if the reason for that is my past addiction to P. That is why I recently decided not to M and not to engage in any other artificial stimuli. What scares me (probably because my ROCD) is that I don't have any feelings toward my girlfriend. Till now I blamed ROCD but now, when my obsessions are not as strong as at the beginning (we are in 6th month of a relationship) I still feel nothing. Numbness. I worry because she is really great for me, she is supportive, sweet, caring, intelligent, wise, we share goals, we share interests and I use to thing we were a perfect match (of course ROCD made we worried we weren't). Now I have few questions and was hoping that you kind gentelman may help me find the answers.

1. Should I abstain from any physical contact with my girlfriend in order to reboot? (if there is a reboot for me or maybe I am healthy and that's it).
2. Can growing up with pornography cause man to be unable to feel intimacy or love?
3. Am I seeking reassurance as a ROCD sufferer by posting this?

I would really appreciate an advice of somebody who is also an ROCD sufferer. But of course everyone is welcome. I am truly desperate because this woman I have I just amazing. She is making me a dinner as I write this down.

Ps. As you might have realized by now, I am not a native English speaker.

 

ROCD is a relationship obsessive compulsive disorder and PA is porn addiction. I actually thought this is the way you guys communicate as I noticed few other posts with those abbreviations.