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Discussion in 'Off-topic Discussion' started by Iscarpia87, Oct 7, 2016.
@Ikindaknew thanks, but I've been hearing that for as long as I can remember. Don't really buy it.
It's sad. It worked for me. I found that I was making more mistakes and felt more depressed while searching.
@Iscarpia87 I have some words for you brother, some words that if you listen to them with an open mind may help.
After reading all your posts and thinking carefully on them for awhile i want to chat with you. I know tone and inflection are hard to determine over the internet so i want to tell you that i say the following out of the gentleness and kindness in my heart, to you. Your frustrated. You see through the illusion of "chase and bait" for the sake of inflating ones ego, you refuse to compromise your want for a real connection over cheap lust, and say your not going to compromise who you think you are, for it. I can only go off what is here i do not fully know you. But i know what i read and the underlying tone is primarily cynicism and self-doubt. (not said in a shunning manner) I want to state what i see and i feel you would agree with me hence the whole purpose of your post.
There is something important that must be said, and if you are not willing to listen, then you will do what you will. But if you came online to seek help put your ego aside for a minute know what i tell you comes from a place of compassion. Mr.Iscarpia87, you will attract the love you feel you deserve. I'm done with the pleasantries now so fucking listen up. This is not some bull shit cliche to make you feel better about your life, this is a fact of life itself. Every day you wake up and say these things to yourself>
"I'm convinced I will always be alone though, for a multitude of reasons that I won't delve into."
"I'm too damaged, have unconventional views about some things, and in the end just never a good match."
"Some people just aren't meant for love.."
You reaffirm it in your life. And you draw it into your life.
Your case is not rare, there is nothing wrong with you other than what YOU tell yourself is wrong with you. You even have the HARDEST part figured out already, the part that takes most people their whole life to understand, and many go to their grave not. And it's that love is not found in sex, and chasing a woman for the sake of winning a prize to have sex with is in the end fucking meaningless and leaves you more empty than you were before. You know this and i know you do.
What you don't seem to understand is that love, my friend, is not something that is given or taken. It is not a possession like your computer, or something that you give to the "right" person and then you guys are "in love". These are all falsehoods. Love is something that you ARE. Let me say that again.. love is something that is fundamentally a part of who you are, or it is not. [pause for a minute and take that in]
When you are operating from a place of love, because it is you will not be let down, ever! If you truly are ready to have no expectations and do this, you have a huge thing of a happy life figured out right there. But know you need to take a deep long look at yourself and decide this. Do you love yourself man? Do you? I mean can you look at yourself in the mirror and look deep into your eyes and say you really love who you are? No one can answer this question but you. And I'm not here to tell you how to live and no body can do that but you.
But see you say you don't expect anything, yet you are.. Your expecting you don't deserve love, you expect that you must play the chase game and expect the woman will too, you expect to be let down and lonliness. You expect, because you won't play games, that you will be alone. Guess what? Here it comes, lonliness, games, no love, sadness. Because you expect, and because your looking at love as something outside of yourself.
Your journey starts with becoming love, and really loving who you are, fully. You have gotten lost in the idea of love, and time and "failure" at the attempt to acquire it in a woman has left you cold and bitter. Because you do not yet possess the traits which you seek in another, you can not find a girl who isn't "playing games" with you. Yet it is you who is playing games on yourself. [pause, reread, breath. I'm not attacking you]
Every single road points right back to you.. And don't get it twisted, it does for everyone else as well. But let me tell you this from someone who was once blessed enough to be with a woman who was absolutely amazing and showed me love when i didn't yet have it for myself( i eventually lost her). When a girl like that walks into your life buddy, you will want to chase her. It is true when they say that when you know it, you know it, and you genuinely will just want to be with her, and her with you. It isn't a game and there is no shame in pursuing and displaying your interest and desire to be with her. But here is what it does require... Openness. totally. Love is a very vulnerable, open, and fragile place. You can't find love because lets face it, your walled off. Your guarded. Your not even willing to allow the possibility of it to enter into your life and its clear by the way you talk. WHAT ARE YOU NOT ALLOWING? and DO YOU LOVE YOURSELF? ARE YOU LOVE? Or is love a thing you think your going to find outside of yourself? So how can you possibly expect another genuine woman who isn't about games to show open themselves to you!?
Are you here to really listen to others and gain insight, or just here to bitch and moan but continue in your same ways?
In the end, what manifests itself in your life, the way people treat you, the places you go and what you do, are a direct reflection of your thoughts. Not the other way around.. Find out how to become love, for you. Then you can start to date, search, and find the woman that is made for you without being upset, cynical or bitter. Until then, your looking over a field of green for a key, not knowing that it's wrapped on string around your neck. And once you find the key to becoming love, and loving you. You then realize you never needed it in the first place.
I can only show you the door, you have to walk through it.
good luck brother
This is beautiful, man. I think you just blew everyone's minds. It's like what people say, "you can't love someone else until you love yourself." The part about love not being a thing or a possession is great.
Namaclature is right. You do have expectations. They are just negative expectations.
I used to think like you do. That I was meant to be alone. It's a system for staying single. You program yourself this way so that every time you feel anything for someone, you shut down. I know because I've done it.
Here's the kicker though. If you do that, what if the perfect woman for you comes along and you brush her off because "you're meant to be alone." That's such a load of shit when I read it coming from someone else.
How the hell do you know what you're meant for? Have you seen the future? Did the ghost of Christmas future come to you in a vision and show you how alone you are when you die?
Ok, now that we have established that you're not a time traveler or someone that tripped balls and saw a creepy ass ghost... we can get down to the real shit.
There is a line from a song, it says, "It's so cute how you think that your experience of the world is the world." That's you, you think that the world is cut and dry. It's not and neither are the people in it.
There aren't people that are meant to be alone and people the are meant to be in relationships. Jesus H. Fucking Christ! Get over it, you think you have the world figured out because you've put yourself out there a few times and got burned? Join the fucking club, I have a gold membership.
None of this is meant to be harsh or mean. It's meant to wake you the hell up.
Women want a man with confidence. A man who is confident has power and energy within himself - he is strong on his own. You have to have an edge - you can't be too nice with women (shows weakness), but at the same time you don't have to be a douchebag/asshole either.
Women want a man who is legit, who is strong, (inwardly and outwardly), a man who is doing his thing in life, creating, and who can lift them up and take them to new places. All of this comes from having deep, powerful confidence.
Confidence doesn't wait around - it acts now.
You can cry about women no liking you but that will never help you. The only thing that will help you is developing core confidence and then exemplifying that in your life.
@NamaClature14 Wow, thank you for that lengthy and thoughtful reply! Some days I'm cool with myself, other days not so much. I suffer from clinical depression and have seen the other side of Hell through my journeys. Self-harm, chemical addictions, mental hospitals, rehabs. I'm clean from all of it now (sans PMO) and have been for years, but it left a mark on me. I literally carved the word FUCK into my leg when I was 23 and the scar is still there and readable. I'm not (as) depressed anymore, but I feel like damaged goods. I understand what you're saying, but I'm still pessimistic about these things. Yes, I wrote my original post to bitch and moan. I wrote it because a girl was recently fucking with me, baiting me, then turned it around and rejected me. I don't know what she wanted from me, but I wasn't misreading signals and she said yes to a date, but I think in the process of getting to know me better decided, no, she didn't like me. Fair enough, but she continued to fuck with me after that. So yeah, I'm a little bitter and jaded when it comes to these things. I was talking about how I just need to not have any expectations, that I may very well never meet someone, cause I can't keep my hopes up. I'll continue to be myself, I'm nice, empathetic, and compassionate. I'll be honest about anything with almost anyone who's interested, but I'll keep my wall up for my own sanity. I have a saying "Guard your heart, guard your mind. Let your farts shine." But thank you again for your reply, it's all true, but I have difficulties applying that to myself.
@F50C137YZ Your reply made me LOL. No, I don't have the world figured out. But everyone's perceptions about the world are based on their own experiences which is where one derives their own personal truth. It's why there's 7 billion different opinions on one thing, cause there's 7 billion people living their own truth. So yes, my own truth is that. Should I change that? Probably, but it doesn't happen over night and I don't have any personal anecdotes that would make me change that opinion drastically. So I'm left where I'm at. I want to learn to be okay with my situation, cause you gotta be okay with being alone and never rely on someone else for happiness. I'm really good at being alone.
@Son_of_Iroquois This is the kinda alpha male and gender role bullshit that makes me want to vomit. I'm confident in my own way and I'll damn well show "weakness" cause that's who I am. I don't want a girl that wants that shit, fuck that. We all have insecurities, even the most confident men out there have insecurities. I don't care if mine show a little. If that's why I'm not scoring chicks, okay, I'm cool with being alone. All these traits that "real men" are supposed to have, but a girl just has to be good looking and be submissive. I want no part of that. I know you're just trying to give advice and help, thanks for that at least.
You're putting words in my mouth bro. Never said you can't have insecurities, nor that you can't show them. BUT there is a point when you share those with women, and it has to be communicated in the right way.
Women have their own insecurities, many times very deep ones. They can't have a man who is weaker than they are, they want a man who at the end of the day can support them with strength.
If you're going to wear your weaknesses on your sleeve all the time you're going to get friend-zoned every single time. If you're cool with being alone then OK, but I thought the purpose of your post was to figure out how to change for the better.
@Son_of_Iroquois Was just venting, thanks for the advice.
I'm glad that you saw the humor and good intent. You're right, there isn't one single way to see things.
I suppose that I see a lot of myself in some of the things that you were saying. I know how I felt when I thought like that and I wish that no one ever had to feel like that. As long as you are ok with where you are... that's what really counts.
See, from a female perspective, when I see people getting frustrated about this, I don't see the women as the problem. You're right that the imbalance is a problem, but I think the solution isn't for women to lower their standards. I think the solution is for men to raise their standards. You shouldn't just want a woman who is pretty and submissive.
To be clear, I totally agree with everything else you said about that stuff being BS. All the "alpha male" crap, women who want men to be perfect and not show weakness, etc. That's all stupid, and women who have that attitude need to change.
But anyway, just food for thought I guess. I think both sides of the coin have flaws. Women may need to lower their standards sometimes, but I think men should raise their standards as well and respect themselves enough, as you seem to (which is great), to want more than just a pretty face by their side who will make them food and give them babies.
Actually, scratch what I said about women needing to lower their standards. Women who have the attitude that has been described in this thread need to CHANGE their standards, not lower them. Because choosing a man who shows weakness and has human emotion and flaws over an "alpha male" is not low, it's better. I'd take weakness over arrogance any day.
my brain farted and i couldnt hold it in when i saw the title of this thread so enjoy the smell of the videos it jsut blasted out
doodZ please don't mind fart in other people's threads, come on dude like we told you little man please play nice people can't all be like you.
Don't mind if I share an image though this thread title is asking for it excuse me for not even bothering to read the original post,
Shit, that's a lot of videos, guess I should make some popcorn. @StepsReborn I hate gender roles and what's expected of each gender in society. Don't get me wrong, I'm a dude and do a lot of conventional dude stuff cause that's how my hormones and brain chemistry has dictated me to be I guess, but I just hate black and white gender conforming. I think everyone should raise their standards, but have a realistic grasp on what those standards are. We're all different I suppose. I don't know, I just spout a bunch of BS to try and sound smart, but to be honest, I'm just a confused passenger with nothing to show for my self absorbed intellectualization . "Trust those who seek the truth, but doubt those who say they've found it" - Andre Gide.
@Connor MacManus Depressingly true, but some would probably call me an indifferent asshole as well.
@Cantkeepmeaway Wow, just wow. I may be a virgin, but I haven't lived under a rock for my 29yrs. You do you and I'll do me. I want no part of what you're about. Thanks for, uh, the "advice" though. "Kid"? lololol
@Cantkeepmeaway I'm not a virgin for lack of opportunities for sex, but by choice. Good for you, go get your dick wet and kiss unspuspecting girls if that works for you. I'm looking for something that isn't superficial and a relationship that has a power balance. Just because I've never had sex, doesn't mean I'm socially inept. The fact that's someone's done it does not making them smarter or better than someone who hasn't. You call me "kid" yet I'm 8yrs older than you. You gave me that advice unsolicited like you're the biggest player and God's gift to women. Go ahead and live in your delusions and I'll live in mine, cause that's all anyone has.
@Cantkeepmeaway And the Alpha male shows his true colors!!! Live and let live dude, chill out!
Edit: I never asked for advice, but was just venting in my original post. We all have opinions and live how we want, more power to you. Don't go giving advice if you can't take criticism yourself.
Oh man, why you so angry?
You tell much about yourself with a reaction like this, because of basically nothing, mr. gunprofilepic.
Are you done?
Telling someone to go jerk to porn on a porn addiction recovery website? Are you serious, man? Come on. You're better than that.
Please don't go around insulting people here. If you can't think of anything helpful to say, don't say anything at all. You've been warned.
Ignore those who are yet to go beyond the barrier of outward appearance. I'm proud of you for not trying to demean him like he tried to you and staying in your truth. I'm glad you listened to my post and actually took it in, you seem like a wise person and one who has overcome alot of pain in this life. Congratulations by the way. your on the path to self empowerment and I can read it in your posts. That is where your power is going to be, those with the biggest difficulties in their young life have the most to gain in their later years. I truly wouldn't be surprised if you meet a woman who is everything you've ever wanted brother, but one thing. and you know i'm gonna say it.. You have to let that guard down. You have to, or you won't find her. I meant it when i said that love isn't something you find, it's something you are. You exude it and willfully give it, because that is what love is, sharing and kindness. If you can slowly begin to let those walls down and put yourself out there, i have no doubt you will find her.
I hear you completely with being frustrated about a girl leading you on. It just happened to me a few months ago with a beautiful girl i've known for years and she constantly led me on for years, games and games and games. Even kissed me, sat on my lap all sorts of stuff. It hard to say bye when they are beautiful like that, don't i know it. But in the end she was ugly on the inside and she had no respect for me- constantly leading me on while she had a bf, and i was showing i had no respect for myself by allowing it. So i cut all ties. And even in that there is a lesson man. Everything that comes our lives has something to show us about ourselves. Even this conversation. It's not an accident.
SO test the waters dude! Find what temperatures you like. Put yourself out there, let those guards down, become love. No more anger and resentfulness toward this whole love life idea. Expect nothing, love you, take chances! You've got this.