Giving up the reigns.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Vixen, Feb 7, 2019.

  1. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    My husband wants to get rid of the accountability software. He says I need to let go of the reigns. Our conversation spiraled into argument fueled by suspicious passion on his part. He claims it’s not a real relationship and I have all the power. I just want to protect myself from wasting more time in a relationship where my husband isolates, expends his sexual energy in front of a screen and leaves me in the dark.

    The argument escalated into a diatribe where he villainized me for not letting him have friends. This is when he shares that women coworkers have invited him to hang out outside of work and that he’s having a going away party at work which he had decided to keep a secret from me until now. This does not inspire much confidence from me, especially in light of my concern he will hide things from me. For the record I encourage him to hang out with the guy friends he has and even try to get him to make more guy friends. Yet it’s too convenient for his proclivity towards pity parties and gaslighting that his career field is predominantly women and I am the scapegoat for him not spending time with friends outside of work.

    And then at one point when I rebelled as he was trying to bulldoze me, he physically asserted himself in a position over me. (Previously we were both laying in bed talking.) That plus calling me a c*nt and after I told him I was through talking to him he decided to bring up my mom. I have now left the room.

    So that was unacceptable and I’m wondering how far to read into the fact that his fight for independence snowballed directly into him blaming me for not getting to spend time with other women (“friends.”)

    And all this while I’m still trying to recover trust after the trauma of discovering in September that he had ongoing cyber affairs and lies during the whole duration of my marriage.

    We were doing well but I was starting to wonder if we hit a plateau. Smack. And now here’s a ravine...
     
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  2. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I'm so very sorry. It sounds like he's gas lighting you to hang onto his addiction in any way he can. Personally, I'd tell him to move out. :(
     
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  3. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    Are they reins or simply
    supports and bandaids on
    the bond of marriage
    to make trust again?

    Reversing the actors,
    How would he feel,
    If you did the same?

    Would he care?

    Unless you are British,
    or something,
    the c word;
    Really?

    B. O. U. N. D. A. R. I. E. S.

    Does he even have a program
    of any sort?

    Detachment and consequences
    Does show us much.
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2019
  4. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    I totally get this.
    This is so manipulative and childish at the same time. Step one: Try to make you feel bad about a boundary you have because it is preventing him from doing something he secretly wants to do.
    Step two: Then reveal the real reason he wanted to relax that boundary. I remember trying to do this to my dad when I was a kid. So discouraging.
    Of course "friendship" is a total red herring.

    Him: "I want to spend time with friends and you won't let me!"
    You: "Go for it. Spend time with friends as long as they are male. The restriction around women friends is important though, given the MASSIVE MARRIAGE-KILLING problems we've had as a result of your previous involvement with other women.
    Him: umm, I didn't think this through...sputter, sputter..."Wah! You don't let me have any friends!"
     
  5. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    This is exhausting and soul-killing after a while. So sorry about this. And obviously, the physical and verbally abusive stuff is absolutely unacceptable.
     
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  6. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Exactly!

    Another thing I forgot to mention when distilling my frustrations last night... During the mix of him complaining about accountability software he asked me if I was having an affair "because when people get really suspicious it often means that they are having an affair." o_O Projecting projecting? Ughhh Stupid DARVO

    He adamantly said he's never cheated on me. (In real life, mind you.) I told him that doesn't mean a lot considering if he had cheated on me he would NEVER tell me. The only ways I've learned of his transgressions in the past is by detective work. He has lied to my face relentlessly in the past.

    Ugh it is disconcerting to drag up all these concerns again. I don't want to be the paranoid "controlling" wife that he's painting me as..... but on some level I know it's a manipulation. Or a delusion. Or both. He says "I don't like having to tell people at work I can't hang out because my wife doesn't like me to spend time with other women." Good to know that he's still villainizing me to other people. I'm sure he won't take initiative to tell them WHY I don't like it and what HE did to foster this environment. There's really no reason to throw me under the bus at all. Why wouldn't he just say "No thanks, I need to spend some time with my family."
     
  7. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Yes! Thank you! I'm so tired of him making me the bad guy.
     
  8. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    I think this stems from him feeling powerless and trying to put that on me.

    Probably goes back to his narcissistic selfishness and lack of empathy to how this affects me. He has the emotional memory/humility of a goldfish it seems.

    Yes, it's terrible. Today he sent me a random link as if nothing had happened. So I respond:
    "Are you just pretending last night didn’t happen? Things are not okay. Your behavior towards me last night was unacceptable."

    He responds:"I'm allowed to have friends. I'm allowed to privacy. I'm allowed to ask for reasons and explanation for things I don't agree with. I said mean things last night and I'm sorry for that but I want to not feel like I'm not allowed to have friends. I like spending time with friends. You are allowed that. I am too."

    I have not responded to him yet. I don't really want to waste energy messaging him right now.

    Yes, that's how I imagine he should respond. Again, empathy-less selfish goldfish.

    I am concerned. Not sure if it's indicative of him up to something bad or if he's indulging in narcissistic behavior. Or both.
     
  9. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    You know I did present him with this hypothetical last night. He was very dismissive. Said that if I was engaged in similar online sexual behaviors throughout our marriage it would have been merely a single conversation. As if my reaction to this whole thing has been over the top. It makes me feel like he doesn't really care all that much. Detached much, indeed.

    He is adamantly against groups or things that involve "higher power". (Not something he and I share in common since I am Christian). He went to a counselor for a few weeks but I don't think that did any bit of good. (I'm suspect he villainized me to the therapist.) His general mentality has been that he simply resolves to stop behavior -- and it seems like he has for the past few months. But history does teach me that things are not always as they seem.
     
  10. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Ha! That would be astounding! Certainly an amusing concept!
     
  11. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    Sometimes people use the meetings as a higher power itself and can’t bring themselves to say many or any of the prayers.

    Meetings help us to decentralize our recovery from all about ourselves.

    If nothing else suggest he could maybe help somebody else with his experience… :)
    Nothing like seeing denial in another...

    Some find the meetings of great comfort and constructive to hear others in a similar boat working to recover.
     
  12. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    I had to look this up. Gross. I'm so sorry.
    Right. If he doesn't like telling them that, he could try telling
    them the truth instead.
    Gaslighting + minimization for the win!
    Totally missing ALL the points.
     
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  13. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Beautiful. This is similar to what I demanded when we disclosed to our female therapist. My husband had to be the one to go in and disclose that there was a good chance he would objectify her, fantasize about her, perform for her and that his therapy might be compromised by his sex addiction behaviors. Otherwise it would have been, "We can't do this because my wife is uncomfortable with it." To his credit he did it without objection, in spite of it being very uncomfortable.
     
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  14. The old saying...
    “It’s not paranoid if they’re really out to get you”
    ...comes to mind.

    Until someone shows over significant time that they will be rigorously honest, I wouldn’t trust them either. Trust is EARNED.

    Takes one to know one and I’m a recovering addict.
     
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  15. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    I feel for you in all this. My bf has alot of female friends too. Many of whom he dated or had a thing for, before me. One of his female friends, who was engaged at the time, kissed him at a party right in front of me. I had to threaten to tell her fiance before he'd end the friendship. He sometimes brings it up and says that I dont let him have friend. My response is always the same. Cool and without emotion I say "you can have whatever friends you want, but I won't be with someone who is friends with people like that" then he says, "So if I'm friends with her, I can't be with you?" And I say yep. You got it.
     
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  16. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    I have never understood PA who resent accountability software. Personally I find it liberating. Since it tracks all of my online activity I am freed from having to prove that I'm still clean. Perhaps, however, it is because I am the one who proposed using the software rather than having it forced upon me. Nevertheless I am very grateful for it, and the safeguard it provides.

    As for female friends - I would never contemplate hanging out with female friends or colleges without my wife. It just doesn't make sense. I too have worked in a female dominated field (at one conference I regularly attend I was once one of three men out of 150 attendees). When they had social events as part of the conference I always brought my wife with me, and when possible our babies too. But I'm also somewhat introverted, so maybe that's different. I hang out with coworkers all day, I don't have much desire to hang out with them after work.
     
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