Going back to old behaviour

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Recovering PA, Jun 2, 2018.

  1. Recovering PA

    Recovering PA Fapstronaut

    Beware triggers present in this post

    I've been abstinent for quite some time now, my SO has been suffering mentally and now diagnosed as bi polar2 which is more down than up. Her appetite for sex has disappeared and mine is rampant. A few days ago after temptations I suggested to my SO about 1 masturbation to get rid of uncomfort and increased libido knowing she doesn't want it. This went amazingly badly and put the relationship back as she saw me going back to the old person I was. As it happened last night we talked and cuddled and she saw to my needs with her hand and she was happy but still unsure where we stand. I really want to get to a normal sex life with my SO and be free from the monster in my head.

    I would appreciate advice from SO's as I don't fully understand women's heads. @Kenzi and @BetrayedMermaid if you could help I would be very grateful.
    BetrayedMermaid likes this.
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    So.... You have been in reboot for 140 days.. Yeah...
    OK, first, your true libido isn't even fully back yet, I wouldnt mess it up with M.
    That's setting back the clock.
    Of course she's upset.
    Her libido isn't less than yours, yours is still adjusting.
    So nobody at this point can say, not even you what it is or if it is less. It will ebb and flow until it settles.
    So there is that.
    Her BT will ebb and flow too, and suggesting M to relieve yourself isn't making her want to jump into bed with you.
    You did that and you have to take responsibility for it.
    Once probably wonT' be enough anyway because anytime she's not in the mood, you can ask (to M) and then a pattern will emerge. Of course she is upset and of course, this is your mistake.
    At least you asked, granted... But the very idea is not good and is in fact, the "monster" PA.
    What Trappist said is good... But why isn't your SO on NoFap and getting support?
    Depression is lonely.
    Does she have friends? Is she going out?
    How are you supportive?
    What is she doing for self care?
    How do you make her feel beautiful?
    Sex isn't ONLY in the bedroom.
    The foreplay begins long before.
  3. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

    I’m not sure I’m going to be much help because I don’t feel like I am ”normal”.
    And I’m not sure what normal even looks like.

    Here’s my experience- not sure if it will help.
    If didn’t feel my husband was improving or trying so hard or if he had had a relapse I don’t think I would’ve felt safe enough to have sex with him the few times that I have since Dday. My husband’s Goals and parameters were no porn, no masturbation. But he and his counselor made a plan together that his only sexual outlet would be sex with me but he didn’t expect it so soon. I tell you the honest truth that I did not feel pressured at all because I’m his only outlet. This is because I feel like he would be completely patient with however long I took- it was over 60 days for our first sexual experience... it’s not typical- Typically You’re supposed to wait 90 days to reboot. The reason we had sex is because I simply wanted it. He really did nothing to try to get me to have sex with him And he wasn’t expecting it, but of course he went with it because that is his end goal is to only get sexually aroused by me and have sex with me. He didn’t have any chasers and it didn’t make him want to go to porn so he says. I was a little bit concerned but honestly not enough. If I’m going to be totally honest I didn’t give a shit if it made him experience the chaser or not. If he had a chaser and failed that would have told me a lot. I don’t have the best attitude I know.

    My husband will tell you that if anything it made him want to be with me more. Here’s the problem. I don’t believe him. He swears it’s true but because he has lied so much I just can’t believe him.

    His sex addiction counselor told us- it’s better for me to go to him for my sexual needs than elsewhere.

    I think PA’s need to be patient to whatever their particular SO needs. Some might take a long time to feel safe enough... In my case it wasn’t really that I felt so safe it was because I am able to dissociate which isn’t very healthy either.
  4. Recovering PA

    Recovering PA Fapstronaut

    Thank you very much for your help.

    I have shifted my focus a couple of times after starting my journey, firstly to my SOs recovery and professional treatment and now to fighting for my alienated children. I had a shock and was told I was going back to old behaviour.

    Since writing this post we had a day or 2 not connecting properly but now we are getting past it connecting really well spending a lot of time together naked and cuddling, even had full sex once although SOs still not completely aroused and wanting sex. We are getting better together, I just have to be mindful of my thoughts and actions. I'm going to set reminders to get on here once a week to check in.

    My SO struggles going back on here as it puts her healing back as it is a trigger to my old self and the pain I caused. She has her new meds now and has turned a corner, although she has a long way to go. She even said a few times that she wants to marry me again :).

    I will check in again over the weekend.

    Again thank you Kenzi and all of you for your advice and support I need to keep on focus and everyone here helps. I do get the most from SOs as it helps me gain focus on the damage I have caused and the ways to improve my behaviour, my SOs and my recovery. That's not to say the PAs are not of help

    Talk soon
    Trappist likes this.

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