Going back to old behaviour

So.... You have been in reboot for 140 days.. Yeah...
OK, first, your true libido isn't even fully back yet, I wouldnt mess it up with M.
That's setting back the clock.
Of course she's upset.
Her libido isn't less than yours, yours is still adjusting.
So nobody at this point can say, not even you what it is or if it is less. It will ebb and flow until it settles.
So there is that.
Her BT will ebb and flow too, and suggesting M to relieve yourself isn't making her want to jump into bed with you.
You did that and you have to take responsibility for it.
Once probably wonT' be enough anyway because anytime she's not in the mood, you can ask (to M) and then a pattern will emerge. Of course she is upset and of course, this is your mistake.
At least you asked, granted... But the very idea is not good and is in fact, the "monster" PA.
What Trappist said is good... But why isn't your SO on NoFap and getting support?
Depression is lonely.
Does she have friends? Is she going out?
How are you supportive?
What is she doing for self care?
How do you make her feel beautiful?
Sex isn't ONLY in the bedroom.
The foreplay begins long before.

 

I’m not sure I’m going to be much help because I don’t feel like I am ”normal”.
And I’m not sure what normal even looks like.

Here’s my experience- not sure if it will help.
If didn’t feel my husband was improving or trying so hard or if he had had a relapse I don’t think I would’ve felt safe enough to have sex with him the few times that I have since Dday. My husband’s Goals and parameters were no porn, no masturbation. But he and his counselor made a plan together that his only sexual outlet would be sex with me but he didn’t expect it so soon. I tell you the honest truth that I did not feel pressured at all because I’m his only outlet. This is because I feel like he would be completely patient with however long I took- it was over 60 days for our first sexual experience... it’s not typical- Typically You’re supposed to wait 90 days to reboot. The reason we had sex is because I simply wanted it. He really did nothing to try to get me to have sex with him And he wasn’t expecting it, but of course he went with it because that is his end goal is to only get sexually aroused by me and have sex with me. He didn’t have any chasers and it didn’t make him want to go to porn so he says. I was a little bit concerned but honestly not enough. If I’m going to be totally honest I didn’t give a shit if it made him experience the chaser or not. If he had a chaser and failed that would have told me a lot. I don’t have the best attitude I know.

My husband will tell you that if anything it made him want to be with me more. Here’s the problem. I don’t believe him. He swears it’s true but because he has lied so much I just can’t believe him.

His sex addiction counselor told us- it’s better for me to go to him for my sexual needs than elsewhere.

I think PA’s need to be patient to whatever their particular SO needs. Some might take a long time to feel safe enough... In my case it wasn’t really that I felt so safe it was because I am able to dissociate which isn’t very healthy either.