Going for fidelity

I have a hard problem with this when in a committed relationship. Oftentimes my friendships with girls break down when I become romantically involved with someone. I get uncomfortable with myself and any scenarios with other women. Mostly because I am thinking about sex, not because the girl is actually being sexually forward with me. Even flirting is not necessarily being sexually forward. It is playful banter, and you do it with your bros too.

I have a friend though who seems to have lots of friends that are girls, and maintain a monogamous relationship. I am always in awe at how he handles it. It seems like he treats everyone the same. Guys, girls, whatever. Like he won't hold back telling a dirty joke to a girl he is working on a project with if he would also say that joke to any guys around. It's a subtle difference in actions. Essentially his motive is not to be sexually forward, but just to enjoy each others human company and get the project done haha. He makes it look natural. He will share stories about his gf with girl classmates, and stories about girl classmates with his gf. He doesn't have to worry about her getting jealous because it is obvious he has nothing to hide. When we have some dirty thought to hide, we often clam up and don't say as much. So yea, maybe the take away is to open your mouth and talk any time you find yourself caught in your head thinking adulterous thoughts. Just start talking about something real and now.

Hope that helps in some way haha.

 

Hey man. I personally have an immense more amount of confidence when I am in a relationship. The girls seem to flock my way nearly every day especially since I've been with my current GF of 4 years. The temptation to cheat is there often. I haven't cheated and I have never really understood why. I just don't do it. I would recommend not cheating if you really like your girl.

Sex to me has never mattered because I fapped. Now I am trying to rewire what sex means to me. So it's difficult not getting a porn sex in my current sex life I guess because it's not what I am expecting but that is going to take time to get over.

I guess my point is this. I have a shiny toy, I've played with it for a long time. It's been warn and used and it's been a great toy, but it's dulled down a bit over the years. A new shiny toy has emerged and is just begging me to play with it, but if I played with that toy, it too, will dull down and become warn. This would never end. There will always be another shiny toy.

On the other hand - I have a very nice car to ride in. This cadillac has molded to me. She fits me well. She knows what I like and I really know how to shift through the gears. It's a great feeling to have such confidence in my driving abilities day in and day out with no breaking down. The old gal' sure runs like a smooth well oiled machine and I love having it. There's no new sport car on the market that I feel could beat me in a race when I have that old gal'. And that's just a security you cannot get from a new car.

I am not sure if you'll understand all that. I hope it helps though.

 

Your friend really deserves a medal

 

mcnb

 

gwa

 

So I feel like I am coming to throw a wretch in the discussion.... in a good way

My gf and I have split and I am out of town on vacation. I am hanging with old friends, old girlfriends, new girls, new friends. Nothing sexual has happened yet except a kiss on the lips at bar closing one night from a nice gal.

Anyway, the more that I am looking at my desires, sexual and otherwise, and analyzing my past actions in regards to lovers and girl-FRIENDS, I am realizing that mutual monogamy is only one route, albeit the most popular, well-entrenched, and socially acceptable one for long-term relationships.

Like Adjoint's parable about shiny things, and good driving, I am realizing that some people like my friend choose their caddy, and others like myself might be happier in the long run with a weekend car, and the good ole commuter.

Open relationships seems to have a stigma, and "those things always fail," Is what I hear most. But when I also think that most marriages fail, I know something is worth looking into.

The term polyamory is big for me right now. To love multiple partners. Not have a relationship where you constantly have sex with anyone you can, but a relationship where it is open and alright to speak about your sexual, and emotional desires for others, and develop relationships alongside your "primary" one.

Anyway, polyamory is not a solution to relationship problems. It is a form of relationship that is bound to have it's own problems (more than an exclusive relationship even. There's more people!), but it is something I am starting to identify with, and explore.

 

gaw

 

I have been talking with several people in my life about my ideas and it is clear that the gf I recently split with would never go for polyamory. And because I do love her, and do not want to break her heart, I am not going to even suggest that. But what I am going to do is continue a friend relationship with her, and pursue a polyamorous lifestyle.

It is hugely important for me to care for, and respect the women in my life. I sometimes like to sleep around, but ideally for me I would like to be able to dance with, and kiss other girls, and only sleep with ones that pass the test of my other partner(s). There are so many ways to screw this up haha.

I think that no matter what, the issue we are all discussing here is how to develop, cultivate, and not go sexually overboard in platonic relationships with the opposite sex. Or in homo relationships, how to have platonic friends of the same sex outside your partner(s).

One concept that I was talking with someone about is platonic dating. It is rather unfortunate that our society leads one course - you hang out, date, get to know each other, have sex, married, etc. Why can't you hang out with new girls just to make friends? But try explaining that to your gf. "Hey hun, I want to date. But just to meet new people and be a well rounded person with female friendships. Nothing sexual." They wouldn't get it. Maybe because the word dating is wrong. Dating implies possibly and eventuality of sex. But I feel like in a relationship you are constrained somewhat to the girls you can be friends with. Your gf's girl friends, your friends from work, and maybe girl friends of yours you have known for a long time. Or gfs of your bros. But some other relationship has to tie you to that girl. To go out and interact with strangers outside your relationship.... it gets awkward.

Now that I've said all that, I've got to stress that that is through the lens of my life. Just like you said Schmutzigeskind. I am sure other people do not have these types of problems. Even so, I am excited by the idea of polyamory as a lifestyle choice to try instead of my f-ed up version of serial monogamy.

And Adjoint, I will look forward to your detailed thoughts when you get a chance. I looked up parable, and realized it is biblical as a definition. I didn't know that. I think the term I meant to use was allegory. In any case, I liked your story and metaphor ahah.

 

It's natural on this forum that we should be talking a lot about sex which is both a high status goal and also the source of a lot of our problems. However taking the long view there are lots of times in long term relationships where sex simply ceases to be possible or satisfying for either one or both partners. Times of illness, stress, pregnancy, raising small kids - all the rough and tumble of life. When that happens you need something else to pull you both through. And that's called friendship. For friendship to last it needs an environment of trust, utter reliability and confidence in each other. I am unconvinced that can happen in a multi-partner lifestyle. So as well as looking for physical thrills I think we need to build good foundations for friendship - then out of that may come the long term relationship that gives your life meaning. My wife of 33 years has in this past fortnight been going through a life threatening medical emergency. Hopefully we are now over the worst and I'm expecting her home today. What would I miss if I lost her? Well physical intimacy certainly but most of all friendship, companionship, love and trust. I'm not saying sex is unimportant but part of its magic is releasing chemicals that bind the couple together even more closely. And for me the goal is lifelong love. Sex helps build that but if you take it out of its proper context it's never going to be as physically thrilling or emotionally meaningful as it can be. Just a thought...