Going Hard Mode (unwanted) and feeling miserable

Hi
I'm kind of new here. Been reading posts for a while and finally decided to sign up and share my story. Looking for support and maybe some guidance.
I'm 34, married with no children (none of us want them). We've been having sexual issues for a couple of years now. The beginning was great, as always, having sex every day, then started fading away, had a couple of situations when I felt my wife was feeling oppressed/abused, for me of course it was not the case, I was just trying to make love to the person I love.
This situation kept ongoing, I've never cheated on her, I have considered having sex with someone else on my darkest moments but understand is not a solution. Instead I gave myself to porn. PMO was not new to me even though I didn't know about the whole NoFap. I hve masturbated to porn all my life, odd ocations in which I've done it on my own but always relaying to porn. Every time my wife rejected me I ended up PMO. This got to a point where I will take any moment alone to discharge, always with porn.
We have been seeing a counselor for almost a year now, not much progress rather than a space where we can communicate our worries and frustrations with a 3rd person involved to avoid mayor conflict.
I don't believe I am addicted to porn, instead I believe that porn has deepened my sex "addiction" or "neeed" by creating this a false image of lust and desire always being correspond and wanted by both parts.
I informed my wife during a session that I was going though a process of masturbation abstinence, I believe here is called a reboot. She felt relieved that I was considering that there was something within me also affecting the relationship and not putting all the blame on her for not getting aroused or wanting to have sex.
I'm about 7 weeks in, no masturbation at all, not interested in watching porn, just as horny as always. I decided to keep track of everything on a calendar to have a better understanding on the process. We had sex 3 times in these 7 weeks, I aslo started writing down my failed attempts of sexual intercourse, not sure if this is helping but proving a point.
I am not feeling good about the whole abstinence situation, mentally struggling to get through it, blaming my wife (in my mind of course) for not being supportive and doing her part by being a little bit more sexually open. Even though I don't openly share this feelings with her because I dont want her to feel responsible for something that is wrong within me, I still cannot avoid this affecting my mood and my way of reacting to her. My balls hurt, not as much as in the past where I could masturbate and get rid of it, surprisingly, but still an awkward feeling of disconfort down there.
Has anyone else gone through this while rebooting? Is there any advice you can give me?
I don't want to renounce to my sexuallity, but I feel is the only way to get through all of this and keep sharing my life with the person I love.
I feel lonely and desperate, pretty hopless right now.
I don't see how keep on going like this for 90 days will change the way I'm feeling, but still will give it a try, at the end of the day, I have nothing to loose.

Sorry for the extension of this post. But any healthy advice will be kindly received.

 

Thank you. I know this won't be something that will happen overnight but it gets really frustrating and I feel really alone during the process. But at the end of the day, it's my process alone, so I guess it's understandable.

 

Hi Penitent
First of all thanks for your time and your words.

It sounds as simple as it is, only that across the years the gap grew bigger and bigger, where I have the same sexual needs as I always had and she has less and less.
She has been through situations in the past where she felt forced to have sex with someone, not that much by physical abuse but more as a social mandate, where if you are seeing someone and that someone wants ta have sex with you, is your duty as a woman to please your man. It took me some time to understand that I was also acting the same way.
So there are a couple of factors that keep her from being aroused. At some point I also think there is some lack of interest (now and always) and that the fact that now I'm seeing and accepting that my mind is fucked up by porn, gives her some more space to relax and do nothing about it, this is my journey. But again, this is too recent and there are just too many things going through my mind and too many changes. I'm not in her mind and mine is quite revolted atm, so it is a work in progress.

 

Hi happenstance
I'm not sure if my wife ever considered me watching porn as cheating on her, more like disappointment for a weak manly behavior.
I also keep on my statement that I don't consider myself as a porn addict, if we go to the definition of the addiction, I don't have the main symptoms, which doesn't mean that it hasn't affected my life and conditionate the way I understand, see, and feel sex. I think that is my main issue and the reason why I decided I wanted to quit it. So yes, there is a connection.
As per the blue balls, is both mental and physical. You can prevent it from happening by not getting aroused (mental) if you know that there is no chance of having sex (do I know? I always hope the outcome will be positive but I'm only 50% of the equation). This is basically caused by your scrotum getting filled with blood that is retained there waiting for an orgasm (physical). So if you don't get aroused, it won't hurt, but how do I not get aroused? and, do I want not to get aroused? this is part of my fear of renouncing to my sexuality. Maybe giving up on seeking for sex and accepting that it will happen once in a while will sort out most of the problems, but I'm constantly questioning myself, is this the life I want?
I don't know, I'm going through a rollercoaster of emotions and I'm glad to have this space where I can share with strangers, hear their stories, be heard and get feedback. Even though we might see things differently, I truly appreciate your words of courage.

 

Thank you for your words. It feels good to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way. I wish I was the only one, cause I honestly don't wish this feelings to no one, but it seems like it is all part of the process and I'm glad that I finally decided to share it and found that I'm not alone.
I wish you the best on your journey and to be strong. I'm also trying my best.