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Going in for the big change

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Mewnam, Jun 12, 2021.

  1. Mewnam

    Mewnam Fapstronaut

    Hey,

    at first: my english might not be that good. Please excuse me, not a native speaker.

    I don't know if anyone will take the time to read this. But I can't speak to people about my problems. Posting sometimes helps.

    Im 22 and from Germany. Grew up in a violent household with no father and a mentally ill mother. 5 years ago I managed to escape the prison I was held hostage in with the help of the local youth wellfare office.
    The police was often at my place because my stepdad and or me were beaten by my mom. The beatings werent the worst parts. What my mum did to my mental health is a much bigger problem.
    Was misdiagnosed with depression a few years ago and took fluoxetin (Prozac in some countries I guess) which didn't help me that much, just fucked up the heat regulation of my body.

    Now I am studying and gaining my life back. Step by step. Taking Medikinet (Ritalin) for my ADHD and because it helps with my anxiety disorder and the symptoms of some kind of complex post traumatic stress disorder because the household I grew up in.

    I'm getting better and better at life, but some things are a way bigger issue than I thought.

    I have been watching pornography since I was around 11 or 12 I guess. My therapist knows about this, but we mainly discuss other things (that are more important atm).

    I managed to address this addiction pretty good I think. But just theoretically. I know what the main triggers of my urges are, I know the main reason why I watch porn, yadda yadda yadda.

    But I have huge difficulties to finally beat the addiction. I know that I have a pretty bad habbit there, and I had some other issues with addiction already (weed, something like nail biting, coffee, social media). But nothing is so strong and so heavily connected with my personality like pornography. I could quit EVERYTHING I wanted. I could go through the withdrawal of weed. It sucked but I had an iron will. Social media? My screen time went from 8hrs+/ day to around 2 or 4.I even deleted instagram and facebook completely. Everything was possible, but this pornography thing feels like it's a part of me and I am so tired. I tried to quit so many times, I read so much about porn, the brain, etc etc. But everytime I am too weak to stand a chance. I know I am doing something wrong and I just watch myself to fuck me up again.

    My longest streak ever was 3 weeks I think, this was right after I moved out, don't had to work and was living in my bubble, smoking weed and taking fluoxetin. But I dont want to live like this. I have a responsible way of consuming weed (only at the weekend and one month before my exam I take a break until my exams are finsished) so I don't want to smoke everyday just to stay away from porn.

    4 days ago I started with a lot of motivation. One of these "now I will do it" things. And today I relapsed. But instead of hating on myself I decided to make an account here, share my story, and talk with people which are fighting the same demons I am struggling with. For a whole decade.
    I am heavily disappointed of myself for relapsing 17 minutes ago. But I am still motivated. I have friends but I feel isolated and very lonely most of the time because some mental issues keep me away from bonding with people on an intimate level. I hope, that quitting porn also helps with this issue.

    I want to feel good around people like everybody else does, I want to to be the partner my girlfriend deserves, and I want to participate in life like most other people do.
    I am sick of who I am, but instead of hating on me, I try to do something this time. I hope that I will have the strength to form my life to be a life that's worth living, and I enjoy. I want to love my life, and don't be a prisenour of my own mind and my own past. I often recognize that I am capable ofdoing more things I know. I already tried to kill myself once and often I think about suicide. But sometimes, while I sit in my bathroom, sometimes with heavy anxiety, alone in the dark, crying my eyes out, sometimes too exhausted to cry because I heaven't slept properly for two weeks, I get those random energy boosts. Energy which makes me get up, clean my room and get some university stuff done.

    I think all of us are worthy to have a desireable life. I think every one of us has more energy than he or she knows. We just need to recognize and use our own strength correctly.

    I am proud of everyone who has an account on this forum. You are willing to make a change and I wish you all the strength and luck you need to achieve your goal. I am proud of you and hope that we can get on this journey together:emoji_raised_hands:

    Thank you a lot for reading this far!
     
  2. Julian Baker

    Julian Baker Distinguished Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    What an amazing insight into your life! Your English is amazing by the way. Don't knock yourself!

    Sorry to hear you have had such a tough life, but at least you know a lot of us here have, so you are in great company! o_O

    I know it's always hard to slip up, just try your best to acknowledge that it's par for the course of recovery and that it's just another opportunity for you to learn from your mistakes.

    Wishing you all the best in your recovery and looking forward to reading more stuff.

    Start a journal!
     
  3. Mewnam

    Mewnam Fapstronaut

    Tank you for your kind words @PeacefulmindFearlessheart !
    Looking forward to become the best version of myself together with all of you and to read some success stories
     

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