Going nowhere in life

Hello people, I feel like I want to stay anonymous due to my own privacy concerns, though I would like to introduce myself and tell you about my background.

I am young super slim guy (around 50kg, 178 tall), 23 years old and here's the story...
It all began when I was around 11 or 12 years old when I first time in my life realised that touching my penis can make me feel good. I haven't watched porn (I didn't even know about it) or didn't know how it's called, but I have masturbated that day and I found out that it really felt good. So I decided to repeat it the next day after... And as you could guess I started fapping every single day before I go to sleep and sometimes in the middle of the day too.

Very soon after I started this "practice" I have found porn on the internet and that was the point when I became totally addicted to fap. In the period of my life between 12 and 16 years old I have watched all possible verities of porn like lesbian, rape, exhibitionism, facials, group sex, humiliation etc. Every time I needed more and more sick shit to get turn on. At the same period I was attracted to girls very much but I wasn't successful because I didn't know how to behave with girls and was too slim and shy to do anything. So hardcore porn and fap were my ways out and having a good time. Also when I was 16 I have discovered that I have phimosis (if you don't know what this is - please google) and I cannot even properly have sex. First time I was sad and scared because of it but then I was like "fuck it, I still have porn". So I was masturbating even more, sometimes up to 5 times per day.

By the age of 18 besides of the usual porn and fap I have also tried pleasing myself through anal, masturbated in my school (in toilets and even a few times while the class), in public places. It was really giving me high I needed to cum.

At the age of 19 I met a girl and felt in love with her, it was really the love of my life. I loved her so much I literally forgot about fap and porn for 2-3 months, as I was too busy building relationship with her and first time in my life - it was SUPER SUCCESSFUL and she loved me too! Unfortunately life can be really cruel. Her family moved to another country that was half a planet from my country (like distance between Russian and USA) and taker her with them. I was desperate and depressed. I started masturbated again. But still we were having relationships on the distance.
What happened in this period is I started stealing my mother's lingerie and masturbated wearing it. I was really into having sex with my mother, and she turned me on as hell, I have cummed on all of her lingerie many times and she even caught me masturbating on her, one time I even touched her tits. Besides of this I started fapping while wearing make up, dresses, stockings and going out like this on the street.
I told about this to my girlfriend, she was shocked, but loved me too much and said that she will still be with me and help me get through. We were having a sex via Skype and she even taken pictures of me dressed as a girl and masturbating and was sending them to our friends etc because I asked her too, it was making me really high.
And it went even further. Dressed as a girl I have masturbated on the train many times, on the street so that women could watch me doing this, in my university and in any possible public place there is.

I started smoking. Life felt like it was a dream (like everything around me is not real), I've had no friends, no communication with my family, I was shamed of myself all the time and was just chasing up this high.

But no matter how hard it was, I am a strong person by nature and I have found strength to run my own business and finally move to the new country of my girlfriend to be with her. I have been sponsored on a visa and I got a good job in a big company.
And finally - I was together with my girlfriend!

I thought it is done with all of my perversions, but no... I was already 20 years old and in this new country I have masturbated in public, was crossdressing, streaming myself on the internet and been blackmailed, I lost a job because it was found out about my perverted stuff and I've had to change my visa and work out how I can stay in the country.

And here I am right now. I live with my girlfriend in our unit together. She works 9-5 Mon-Fri, I'm - not. I'm trying to study in the college to get some education. But I am still masturbating up to 4 times per day, I already got used to wearing only girl cloth like leggings, shoes, tops, dresses and make up almost every day. I want to be a sissy slut and be fucked and suck cocks etc. All this sissy bullshit. I know very well that this is a deception. And I want out because I feel like don't have any life energy at all, I don't know where I am going in life. And I want better life for my future wife.
Thank you for your attention, hopefully I'll find some help here.

PS: Sorry for the typos, too much confessional text for me

 

Thank you for your nice words.
I appreciate it.

 

Thank you.
I don't have any strategy. I was researching the spiritual source of the problem (not Christian one, more like buddhism) and I found out one interesting thing.
This thing is when you are trying to prevent PMO from happening and have such intention, your inner "PMO entity" (you can think about it as like it is a real person or individual) have counter-intention which makes your crave for more and more PMO. And the more strong intention you have, the stronger this desire is. Those "I don't want to do this" and "I want to do this" at the same time - ARE THE SOURCE of the inner conflict and the actual problem which makes me and many more people suffer.

I was trying to keep myself from doing PMO many times before, but every time I fail and do AN INCREDIBLE amount of PMO. Maybe I am too weak or trying not hard enough.

 

Thanks everyone for your help!
I have just decided and started a hardmode 90 reboot, here's the link:
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/90-day-hardmode-on.96475/