Going on a 50 day streak

100%,
In a cruel fight against pornography if you have the slightest doubt in your mind you already lost the fight

 

THE VANQUI JOURNAL
Day 18 (06/05/2023)
THE STREAK CONTINUES!

GENERAL - Just over 6 months since my breakup with my ex. I think about her and how I used to love her. And now it's to a point where I have to leave the country I live in to get away from all the memories. Some days I struggle with understanding reality and my own existence. I see myself as a failure in reality. I don't have a career, my mates are all doing something they love and I'm just bouncing around doing different things because I can't settle into anything. I would love to have a partner but I realise that I need to spend time with myself to find my feet and solidify my own identify. I go to the gym because I love to workout but also to think about all the poor decisions I made based on emotions rather than rationale.

One of my main issues is letting go of the mindset of me being a rugby player a few years ago just as I ruptured my ACL. So grateful to not need an operation just yet but it means no sports that involve multi-lateral movements around the knee joint. I'm no longer unhappy or depressed but the hardest part is realising that I am my own biggest enemy. My own mum is disappointed in me for deciding against going to university this year. I'm just not ready. I'm not 100% committed to studying. I'd love to just make money, help retire my parents so they never have to work again if they didn't want to. People say do things for yourself but my personality is 'people pleasing' so I'm quite unselfish and I have everything in terms of materialism but that does not satisfy me. Spending time with people I care about will always be no.1 for me.

I have so much potential and I could easily be so consistent and wonderful at all the things I do but my energies are too divided and this means that my focus is inconsistent so I only deliver on some occasions. When I wake up tomorrow, I'm going to wake up, wash my face, eat breakfast, brush my teeth and begin organising my notes for the week ahead. So tired of not reaching my potential. Final push for the next 5 weeks. Going to enjoy it to the max.

This isn't even about PMO anymore. This is obviously a wider issue and I need to tackle it to the best of my abilities. One step at a time and I'll get there. I don't want to seek validation but obviously a part of me when I write this expects other people to read this and relate to an extent. Honestly, just venting this out in itself helps. Thoughts converted into words is such a tricky concept to execute but this is the best I can do today.

I'm a young lad moving solo to a foreign country in a few months time to speak in a language I barely know. I guess I am scared but I'm ready at the same time. You know, the question I hate to answer is "What are you going to do when you get there?" And I reply, "Learn the language and get a job" then they say, "What about a career?" And I reply, "I don't know." <- Everyday I think about this.

PMO - No urges. Nothing even close to PMO. Just resentment for my ex. Anger for myself and frustration for not reaching my potential.

 

Maybe going abroad gives you a breath of fresh air! Exes take time to forget and you need to give these feelings a place in yourself. Divert your attention from your attention to your goals. Just like you do with PMO.

And about your energies be too diverted to keep a job or build a career, everybody's life is different. You don't have to please your parents and do something you really don't want to do. But what I've noticed is that I usually don't know how right my parents and partners have been. If I would've given it a chance, I probably would have made different choices. Then again, you only live once.

 

Day 31

I met with my GF yesterday. We celebrated my 30 day sobriety by becoming intimate. It felt great and I felt really connected with her. I was fearful that it would set the door open for all kinds of shit, but nothing appeared.

Work out:
Did a brief work out yesterday before going to bed. Just to maintain some muscles.

Netflix:
Watched 40 minutes of Netflix yesterday. Started watching Archive 81. Such an awesome show. Very difficult to not watch more of it.

Meditation:
I did a 15 minute relaxation meditation. I tried to fully relax and stay with my attention in the now.

Your Brain On Porn:
Read 1 page in it and it was striking to read how all the former addicts which were in the book all got joy in their life back. It went of course up and down, but all of them stated that their life has improved immensely.

Sleep:
I started my routine a bit later, but I had a relaxing time preparing before going to sleep.

 

Lasted 6 days, relapsed again.. got no words for what I'm doing anymore.. I can hear that inner voice of reason but I ignore it anyway..

 

Its all good my friend, those 6 days have taught you something that will help you avoid PMO for 12 days the next time and so on

 

Day 32

I slipped up yesterday. I came back from running and had extreme urges. I typed in something explicit in Google, but didn't press Search. Too close for comfort. Spent lots of time talking it through with my GF.

Work out:
Went for a long run. Did 4K. A good step towards my aim of being able to run 10K this year, but I'm not there yet. Also did a brief work out yesterday with a dumbbell.

Netflix:
I watched Netflix and was able to stick to my allowed hour. While talking things through with my GF, I realize that things are about making the choice. You do it or you don't do it. If you do it, there is no space to convince yourself to Netflix all day, because you've made a choice. Otherwise there will always be a voice that can persuade you to do something different.

Meditation:
I did a 15 minute meditation and tried some things out. It started with a breathing meditation and changed into self enquiry. What do I do? Why do I do it? Do I know what my actions cause in my GF? Do I see what she is going through?

Your Brain On Porn:
Read about all the different scenarios where P fucks up your brain. The great thing is that your brain heals completely. Don't think this will easily happen. The people in the book spoke of a period of up to 6 months before they were completely PMO + fantasy free.

Sleep + evening routine:
Started my evening routine on time and spent quite a lot of time reading Your Brain On Porn and thinking about the talks with my GF. Felt so good to have this routine in my life

 

THE VANQUI JOURNAL
Day 19 & 20 (07/05/2023) + (08/05/2023) Day 20 unlocked.
THE STREAK CONTINUES!

PMO - Day 19 was crazy. When I was sleeping I had so many explicit thoughts, I was in a dream where I somehow accessed Phub. EVEN IN MY DREAM I KNEW THIS WAS NOT OK. I have a very long way to go. Although, urges have been minimal which is good. Finally reached day 20, I'm very proud of this achievement but I have a long way to go before I can get to where I need to be.

GENERAL - Forgot to write last night because my friend & I smoked three joints. Walked at least 12km so we got plenty of cardio in! Didn't get back home till 5 and I didn't sleep till 05:30. The world is so peaceful at 5am I love it. Watching the sunrise high is actually so relaxing. Anyway, I won't be smoking again at least till I finish this course. Tbh, I should really quit permanently but we end up on some crazy adventure in the city and it's always a blast so it's difficult. Watching drunk people while high is so strange. Drunk people look schizophrenic from a high pov. Also, so many drunk people kept breaking glass bottles everywhere and general littering whereas us high people didn't break any. 1-0 to weed. Very interesting to think that alcohol is legal and it *could cause people to be incredibly violent whereas weed is illegal and it just chills people out (well, some people get paranoid too, those are bad vibe energy people).

 

Congrats on the 20 days!
One thing at a time my friend I was once addicted to weed and let me tell you shrugging off P is way harder, mainly because its available at all times, unlike a physical substance.

Keep going you the man

 

Day 45- half way to my current goal 3 months.
Things I have learned this time around:
1. It doesn't get easy, and I shouldn't expect it to.
2. Focus on the wanted positive outcomes not the negative (what I want to achieve and not what I want to leave behind).
3. It is possible to be happy most of the time, but it takes difficult sacrifices along the way.

I am really thankful for sharing this experience with @JoeBimbo and @vanquiii , you guys hold me accountable and I I'm learning alot from you.

 

Yes. Great stuff. 45 days! Woop woop!

I like point 1 the most. It doesn't get easy, and don't expect it to. When you think it will get easy, P will overrule you in a matter of seconds. Keep the door closed and keep yourself motivated.

 

Awesome I am starting from today Day-0

 

is wet dream count on that?

 

You can't help having a wet dream, so I wouldn't consider that a relapse. But when you MO after you wake up, you're back at square 1.

 

Day 33

Decided to do a thought experiment after the slip up two days ago. Whenever something enticing already remotely would appear to happen, I would think of the most disgusting thing I could think of. In this way, I associate P thoughts with disgust. It makes it so much easier to deal with upcoming fantasies. Needless to say, I had absolutely no urges today! How do you deal with your fantasies? Do you do something similar?

Work out:
Did a brief work out yesterday with a dumbbell.

Netflix:
I watched Netflix for an hour, but was really captured by the serie Archive 81. Difficult to pause.

Meditation:
I did a 15 minute meditation and did self enquiry. The questions started in the mundane and became more and more life questions.

Your Brain On Porn:
Didn't read the book, but read online research about M and the numbing of androgen receptors. When you MO, you kind of close your androgen receptors to testosterone which means that there is less testosterone that you take in. This can result in low libido and indirectly in all kind of anxiety issues.

Sleep + evening routine:
Fell asleep quite early, but was able to pick up my routine after waking up. I did my walk, did some research, did my meditation and went to bed on time!

 

THE VANQUI JOURNAL
Day 21 (09/05/23)
THE STREAK CONTINUES!

PMO - Last night while sleeping was dreadful. I had an 'explicit fantasy.' While I was sleeping I had an explicit fantasy and the urge was so strong that I thought I actually came in real life. I woke up and checked but there was no signs of M. I don't know if this common to others but this isn't the first time this has happened. Fortunately I didn't M and I think it was just pre-cum. Anyway, I'm disappointed in myself because even though I didn't fail I feel slightly deflated today. How is it possible that my urges when asleep are so strong? I've not consumed P since I started these new habits and I haven't MO either. Last night while being asleep was definitely a close encounter to M&O. I've realised how fucked up my mind and thoughts are. If anyone has any advice on how to manage this let me know. This is the most time I have gone without PMO this year so I don't know if this is just an obstacle that I need to climb and it'll be fine or if this is a re-occurring issue and I need to re-wire my neurons. *Could the weed have made my self-control weaker and more vulnerable? <- Just a thought. As well as this, I keep having small panic attacks every night while reading books. I don't know why either, my own existence and death are two concepts I cannot get my head around to understanding. Perhaps I have been evading reality for such a long time with P & sexual thoughts that it distracted me from thinking about other things. I am genuinely convinced that I lack clarity in my life and mind due to consuming too much P. But, this is about to change as I am now on Day 21 heading to Day 22 . I will say that I am much happier not consuming or watching porn but there are now other 'weeds' that I need to pull from the roots in my mind and remove them to allow room for new plants (new habits) to grow. I see my mind as a botanical garden. It needs plenty of work done and that is what I am doing.

The mental strength & mental re-wiring needed for this task is definitely a long-term project.

I'm going to meditate after writing this to relax the mind before studying.

 

Coming back on your writing, I've read that wet dreams are very common during the reboot. It is your brain that is processing the porn you've watched. When you're asleep, it has full access to your subconscious. Very good that you didn't finish it off when you woke up!

Concerning your weed usage, it might have set the door open for fantasies. Only you can know for sure. If you've used weed in the past and experienced increased urges before, chances are big that there is a link.

 

Hey buddy, well done.

I think that understanding and doubting everything you know is so healthy, and it sets the path for your advancement. I found the path through Buddhism, for you it night be that, might be anything else, but the important thing is that your eyes are open.

You are not the only one confused, you are not the only one struggling, we all are from time to time and it's a never ending journey.

 

Indica calms some people, though for me it just makes me feel really weird at best and paranoid at worse, I don't like that body high much. Sativa afaik (haven't tried) can make people do some pretty stupid (dangerous) stuff though. Also long-term addiction to weed can trigger schizophrenia in some people. So I don't agree with your perception that it's basically harmless. All drugs take something back for what they give you, be it conventional psychoactive substances or other mind-altering shit like porn. I get where you're coming from, I used to think that substances can actually be helpful if you use them properly, and maybe when people are lucky they are, but after various experiences with them (no horrible ones, mind you) I feel like sober, clear mind goes the longest way.

 

Seems like I'm falling deeper and deeper instead honestly. Wasted 20 hours on porn today, gotta be a new personal record. Perception is twisted, thinking really weak. I wanna finally live but I can't stop... somehow I don't care about the real world much again (I know it used to be like this when I was very deep in the addiction). I feel like crying just writing this, but when the urges come again it's as if none of that despair ever existed. I don't even know how I got here, I believe I turned the PC on just to check a completely unrelated website (which even wasn't necessary but I'm addicted to screens as well), then got convinced to look for something mildly porn-related but that wasn't explicit (I don't remember what it was), besides that is brain fog. An entire day wasted, but I know next time I would do it again. Right now I regret it as much as I can, but once I am aroused again I won't remember or feel like this time it will be different or (even "better") that it doesn't matter anyway. I really don't know what to do to stop it anymore.... HELP