GOT MYSELF IN A DEEP HOLE AND NEED HELP!

Alright so I am going to be up front and honest. I have been trying to quit porn for 4 years now. It has been a rough journey since the beginning. I have never really gotten very far nor have I made much headway. However that was until the start of 2020.

Earlier this year I started to actually make progress. I would be able to abstain from PMO for 14 days sometimes even longer. I felt like maybe I would finally be able to get off of it and recover but then summer hit and quarantine did not help one bit.

Ever since June I have been stuck in this relapse hole that I have dug myself and really haven't made any effort to stop. I keep telling myself that I need to change but I actually don't put in the effort to do it. However since my relapse earlier today I am really aggravated with myself. How did I let myself get to a point where I literally feel like I cant control my addiction? How did I let myself get so deep in this hole that I have had to use many sources of porn just to get me to feel good. I am really ashamed that I have let myself get here.

So just to clarify where I am at in my life. I am basically relapsing every two to three days sometimes everyday. I watch multiple genres of porn even stuff that I am not really into as a person. I sort of use porn as my coping mechanism for stress. I have gained a ton of weight. Like I am starting to get back to the weight I was when I started this weight loss journey in 2018. I have become incredibly lazy. The funny thing is its only at home when I do this. I am a completely different person when I am at work or hanging with friends. So I got a couple of questions for you guys and I would like to have honest answers.

For those who have been in my situation... How did you get out of it? What was your breaking point to want to quit? How did you stay motivated to get far? What are some things you do to ignore temptations? Please help me guys......... I am honestly getting desperate and I am glad that I have taken the steps to reach out and get the help I need.

 

Hi there.. first step, admitting it so well done. You story is so similar to my own. This year has been terrible to help stop pmo. Back in March I was at 90 days free from any of it and then, the same as you, lockdown and stress and anxiety hit and I consciously (yep, I admit that too) went back to it for some distraction and relief. And I went back to it harder n way deeper than before too.

My breaking point was the same as my first... being unable to O with my wife any more. Ironically, she got far more into sex this year so the sensible thing would be been to be with her but I was down the destructive rabbit hole instead. My paranoia came back, I was lazy, not achieving at work, irritable, ect ect.

How to stop.. sounds silly, but just stop. There's only you can do that for yourself. Yes put mechanisms in place and alternatives and do good things like exercise and eating well and focusing on goals. But even with all that, you'll still have opportunities to act out. For me once I reached 10-14 days it becomes a bit self perpetuating and I can keep going easier. But there's still times I want to go back, even now at 60 days.

Last night was horrible!! I began so many times to search and was on my ISP page ready to unblock everything and was thinking of all the fun I'd have. There wasn't anything to stop me other than me. And I failed a little. A couple of those searches were triggered before I caught myself.

I'm lying here now the morning after a very restless sleep consisting of some very messed up dreams. But this is another day now, and onwards we go.

I wish you well on your own journey, remember it all starts with a single step. That's the easy bit though. The tough bit is to keep walking.