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Hi brother. Glad you're here.

I know I am responsible for my issues with porn, but with my wife's low sex drive, I always justified it since I have zero interest in cheating on her.

I think pmo is a form of cheating even though it's not with a live person. And, it's harder to quit because it's so available and there are so many options (fetishes, etc) and since we're not doing it with a real person we don't have to worry about what the other person thinks or wants in the performance or frequency of it. They can be anything we desire to fulfill any fantasy that strikes our fancy and are available 24/7.

 

It is hard. I have been in the same situation.

For me, the key is realizing that I am not "owed" sex, and that I cannot "earn" it. So I have to be patient, sensitive, and not feel entitled. Being aware of that helps.

A second thing that has helped me is to expand what exactly counts as sex within our relationship.

Spoiler: Trigger Warning

For example, when she is pregnant, recovering from childbirth or nursing she looses a lot of her sex drive. However, I have talked to her and she says she is almost always willing to give me a handjob. Is it the same thing? Not really. But it really REALLY helps me to stay committed to making sure that O is something that only happens with her.

Finally, I would recommend considering a "sex fast" or a "hard mode reboot". At one point when I was constantly being turned down for sex I was feeling not only frustrated, but also unloved and frankly like a failure as a man. I felt powerless. I know all of those feelings can combine to make a relapse a very likely possibility. So, I turned it around and talked with her and told her that *I* was choosing to not have sex for the next 6 weeks. It was liberating for it to be my decision, and we were able to get onto a more equal footing and then resume the relationship dynamics once things had balanced out more.

We are still struggling to figure out exactly how to make all of this work (especially since we plan on having one more baby in the next year or so). But there is hope!

 

Hey man -- glad to see your post -- I'm also glad to have this group and see the support that comes from it.

I've been married 17 years, had to work through a lot of this -- my wife and I are have always been at (very) opposite ends of the sex-drive spectrum. Like, incredibly opposite ends of the spectrum.

We've come a long ways, and I can say I'm super-happy with our sexual relationship now.

Some thoughts:

• First, even without PMO, sex-drive differences are hard for couples, period. And common. In my case, we never had a period where our drives/desires just naturally aligned
  
• In my opinion, I think a PM reboot is necessary to really even approach the discussion. For years after I was PM-free, it was still difficult to talk about sex with my wife. I think a large part of that is due to me not knowing how much of what I wanted was residual PM effects or not. For me at least, it took some years to heal to the point where I could approach sex-drive discussions and feel I was being objective.
• Like @Tannhauser mentioned, I agree that you have to accept that you are not owed sex -- that can be a hard hill to get over. As my wife's and my overall relationship has improved, so has our sexual relationship. Trying to put the needs of your spouse ahead of your own is difficult, but necessary. If your relationship grows to where you're both doing that, then there you have it!
  
• Also, I agree expanding activities is helpful. And my wife and I have explored our sexual relationship more and expanded things, it has gotten much better and much more fun. And for the sake of not being explicit, I'll leave it at that for now ;-)
  
• There are some good books for couples out there that can help on this -- especially for wives. But a couple warnings: they're likely triggering, and you'd have to choose to go down that path together -- I'd recommend reading them reading them in the same week and discussing them. Like I said before, it was some years for me before I felt I was at a point where I could do this without it triggering regression into PMO, unhelpful fantasies, or having it cause additional relationship problems or resentment. I'm religious, and there are some good resources that approach the topic respectfully and are also very straightforward. You can follow up if you want more details.

If you're comfortable doing so, keep us updated on what you do and how things go!