Greetings from a new member...

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by aConsciousEffort, Aug 9, 2018.

  1. aConsciousEffort

    aConsciousEffort New Fapstronaut

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    Hello everyone, I joined the site almost a month ago but haven't been very active in that time

    July was a decent month for me but I lapsed yesterday - thankfully, I'm not being to harsh with myself over it because this is the best I've ever done

    I'm looking to meet others to learn from for guidance

    Truthfully, I'd like to win back my wife who left me in March and I know I've got a long way to go and that ultimately I need to do this for me more than anything else

    Thanks for listening
     
  2. aConsciousEffort

    aConsciousEffort New Fapstronaut

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    Identifying triggers is pretty easy - avoiding them is another issue

    Being home alone with my computer is pretty obvious, my brand was porn, phonesex lines and chat sites where I would chat with women

    Eventually this led to me having sex outside of my marriage and my wife leaving me - I'm uncertain as to whether she knows the full extent of my addiction but I'm sure she knows enough to make her decision

    As I continue my journey to self awareness through study, one issue remains unresolved: if my relationships have been lacking physical intimacy, is it healthy for me to remain in a sexless relationship?



    This particular TedTalk highlighted some issues for me to the extent that I even had some personal counselling with this speaker who seemed very sympathetic to people who engaged in physical intimacy outside their marriage

    Proviso: I take full responsibility for my actions and the consequences of my actions and I often play out conversations in my head with my wife about how I would do anything to get her back and that I can't just accept her "No"

    Obviously I can't go back to the way things were and that permanent results require permanent changes - I listened to Tony Robbins ultimate relationship program which suggested (among other things) that one person must commit 100% to the other person, giving unconditionally for at least 90 days before attempting to draw any kind of conclusion about the relationship

    I'd love the opportunity to try and maybe this whole situation is a blessing in disguise because this is the major effort I've ever made to address and attempt any kind of recovery

    I see the benefits as: the clarity and peace of mind that comes from honesty, confidence, better sleep, less time wasted, clarity of thought - really the most important for me is the first one, just knowing that I am on one clean and simple path and eliminate that secret dark side would be a huge relief

    Can anyone relate?
     
  3. RndyBm

    RndyBm Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

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    Welcome! You've come to the right place, trust me on that. Unfortunately I can't help with your queries, because I can't relate. So I will let another person on here do the honours. I'm sure there is somone here who can relate.

    The best of luck to you on your journey, and I do hope its worth all the effort and in attaining your end goal. The time to change is now! :)
     
  4. To be able to feel good about yourself again is priceless. It would always seem to be better if you were still together but even if not you might still be able to have a lifelong friend who supports you in what your doing and appreciates the new you as much as you do yourself.
     
  5. aConsciousEffort

    aConsciousEffort New Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your message

    I know we all have unique experiences and I don't expect anyone to address mine

    On the way to work I was reflecting one how I used to think "realistically" that 99% of humanity was incapable of effecting fundamental life changes to their personality, attiude, perspective etc

    However, as I read more personal testimonials from people in the NoFap, it's occurred to me that there are way more capable people out there than I give credit to and that gives me hope...
     
    RndyBm likes this.
  6. aConsciousEffort

    aConsciousEffort New Fapstronaut

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    I wholeheartedly agree, in fact, it was one of what I consider to be the top 7 takeaways from my therapy sessions:

    1. Do it for yourself: as much as I want others in my life, I am the source and the ultimate beneficiary of my recovery
    2. Think 24hrs at a time: my entire adult life has been spent racing to the finish line
    3. Aim for peace of mind: I used to think the purpose of life was happiness, fulfilllment or satisfaction but revised that with an aim to accept the challenges in life with grace and dignity
    4. Keep your expectations in check: of yourself, the situation, other people - don't set yourself up for disappointment

    These last 2 are mine:
    6. Focus on the Best Possible Outcome: for me, pessimism and negativity were a bad habit and if fortune is random, then let it be in my favor
    7. Happiness is a Choice, not a destination: take every chance at happiness, life's too short to deny yourself real Happiness
     

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